I am a mom of a 14 yr old girl from a previous relationship. My husband had two daughter from his previous marriage. I am worried about some of the behaviors that they are showing. The 9 year old has a fascination with sexy bras, lingerie, wigs and make up.I was once a child and remember playing dress up too. Somehow her fascination seems too grown up and a little inappropriate. Its hard to explain but its not the "I wanna play dress up, can't wait to be a grown lady" its very overly sexual in nature. One day we picked her up and she had on maroon lipstick. SHE IS 9!!!
The 5 year old tells us that her moms friend that lives with them is their babysitter. She says she hates her and that she is mean and gets drunk when her mom isnt home. One day i heard her call her sister a "slutty girl" while playing pretend.
How far is too far. We tell their mom we have concerns but she gets defensive and says we are trying to make her look bad. They 9 year old told me their last visit, she doesnt feel safe at home sometimes. My husbands ex wife keeps telling their kids that he is cheating on her because they are still married and he is dating me. Divorce is final, they were seperated for 3 years and divorce was dissolved (dissolution of marriage)by court. We have been married since June 09! Why is she telling them we are DATING! the kids seem confused and now with these stories they are telling us.... I wdon't know if i should call authorities of DFCS. As a mom, I would hate that to happen to me but as a step mom, I don't want to seem that the nosey new wife, as a human being I AM SO WORRIED. What should I do. My husband feels the same. What should we do?
Thank you all for your help, concerns and points of views. My husband and I have begun to journal everything. My 14 year old also had shown some concerns and stepped up to see if she could be a listening ear to the 9 year old. We are going to keep providing the loving home we have. We have never talked negatively about their mother in front of them. We are taking steps to make sure our presence is known at school, counselors and any events they have. My husband has had to have several talks with his ex since my email. She began bad talking my daughter to the girls. My 14 old sophmore in high school, straight a student. She tells her daughters that she is a bad influence. We only laugh because we know the opposite is treu. This looks like it will be an uphill battle but one worth fighting. We are waiting for a court date for when they go back to finanlize visits. My husband went the mediation route but know he needs to do this in front of a judge. I will keep you posted.
When she is with you, you have every right to discipline her and tell her how things are. Sounds like she is wanting attention and thinks she has to look sexy to get it. She needs to understand she is to young and that if she dresses like that now, boys and perverted men will do bad things. Good luck!
S., I come from a blended family & I am a step mom myself. Communication is key! I learned from my mother at an early age to keep the lines of communication open. When we had problems during our childhood, my "moms" would get together (without us around) and hash things out. They would find a solution that was best for us kids.
As an adult & a step mom, I've instilled these values into my relationship with the bio mom. We have come to a decision to back each other in the best interest of the kids.
The kids live me full time, but that doesn't discount their mother.
I was the one to approach her. She had some insecurities about me. After those initial lines of communication were open & we sat & spoke woman to woman, she understood that we were looking out for the best interest of the children. She no longer put myself or my husband down to the kids, & she backs me on everything.
I was able to forge a friendship with her & that makes life truely beautiful.....
good luck :)
As a stepmom myself, I would say that the best thing you can do is just be supportive to your husband. Encourage him to take a more active role in his children's lives. He needs to spend 1:1 time with each of them without you being present. It sounds like there is some confusion about your marriage. I would not be confrontive to the children or show them documents about your recent marriage. It is hard enough for children and parents to go through a divorce. It could be that their mom had a lot of difficulty accepting the divorce and is having problems accepting your new marriage. I would not attempt to "make friends" with her, in the event that she may have issues of her own (mental health problems of some sort or other issues going on). That is why your husband, and NOT you, needs to deal with all of this. It sounds like if you attempt to take a more active role about your concerns about the children, the ex wife won't be receptive if it comes from you. You should just discuss whatever your concerns are with your husband (without any of the children present) and if you are on the same page, then HE needs to address things with the ex-wife. You also need to keep in mind that sometimes kids will say things in order to gain attention. It could be that they feel like their mom and dad are not paying enough attention and so they say things like they are to gain attention. I don't think you should call DCFS...let your husband do so after he investigates things further. Is he able to return the kids to their mom's house and meet the friend who is the babysitter? He needs to go over there, not just talk about things on the phone with the mom. They need to sit down and talk without the kids around so that they can get on the same page about what is going on at her house, what she is telling them about his new marriage, etc (whatever his concerns are). Also, you might want to encourage him to discuss with her the possibility of counseling with the kids just so they can adjust to the new marriage. Also, you did not mention anything about how your 14 year old is adjusting, which concerns me somewhat. How does she get along with the stepsibs? You need to spend 1:1 time with her, so that she can discuss whatever concerns she may have in general about her life.
Divorce and remarriage is never easy on any family. It is not all wrapped up in a tidy bow like it is portrayed on tv. Bottom line is take care of your husband and be supportive to him and your own child. The other two children have a mom, so the most you can do for them is be supportive of their dad and their relationship with him and have a conflict-free home. Let him discipline them if needed and always be there to listen to them. Never ever say negative things about their mom to them.
Best of luck.
Unfortunately, the situation you're in is very difficult. I don't know what the story is of the divorce, but it looks like your husband's ex-wife feels that they are still married, even if by law their marriage has been dissolved. I know that for me that would be the case. If I was to divorce my husband I would probably never re-marry because in my religion and culture we are legally married, but we are also married under God, until death does us part. This doesn't mean anything to many people, which is probably part of today's problems in society.
People seem to see divorce as an easy way out. I'm not saying that people are wrong by getting a divorce, but perhaps marriage means something different for different people.
Perhaps the easiest way to help the girl's is by helping the mom get her life together. If your husband is concerned about their baby-sitter, perhaps he wants to offer help in this area by paying for a better baby sitter or enrolling the girls in after-school programs designed for young girls who are in need of guidance. There's lots of programs out there!
Children of separated parents tend to use parents to get what they want by making them feel guilty etc. and it is hard for parents to discipline and guide children who are confused.
It looks like these girls need attention, (their daddy's attention), girls need to feel that they're daddy's princess so that they do not go trying to get boys attention. They need to feel good about themselves so that they do not try to do things that other girls would not dare do in order to get boys attention.
I'm not an expert, but I have a step-daughter who I used to baby sit since she was a baby. My husband and I knew that it was difficult for her mom to meet her needs and so we stepped in and helped as much as we could. My husband paid for her child care during the week and I baby sat on the weekends because my husband worked on the weekends.
It is not an easy task, but when there are children involved, we need to make their needs a priority and children need to see that they are important to their parents.
Good Luck,
M. Almeida
Hi S.,
I grew up with a blended family and it was not pleasant. My half sister's Mom did much of what your Husband's Ex is doing. Telling her I was the reason her parents weren't together, when they divorced while her Mom was preggers and we were five years apart. And telling her my Dad didn't love her because he had me and my sister. It is awful when grown-ups don't realize their own petty issues don't need to be forced on their children. The girls are lucky to have someone to listen to them and if they trust you enough to confide in you then I hedge and suggesting you keep doing that. Be the one they CAN come to and be open with.
Encourage them to journal and keep track of their feelings, this can be used as evidence in court or mediation. Keep a journal of times you find behavior concerning or they tell you things that don't add up. If you can get them into see a therapist, not sure your court order will allow it, but having someone who can speak on the girls behalf who has nothing to gain from the situation will be good for showing their home life with Mom is not healthy.
Get Dad on board. If he doesn't already, suggest Father/Daughter days where they get to hang out and make sure he encourages them to be open and honest about their feelings. If Dad is really worried he needs to get involved and talk to their Mother about the issues and keep track of how often he brings the concerns to her attention. Get legal advice on what steps you SHOULD take and how they will eventually effect a court change to the currrent Family Parenting Plan. If you can show there is an unhealthy living environment for these kids then this will be more beneficial than heresay.
Some people no matter how much they love their kids are just selfish and don't see the big picture. It's sad, but they don't get it and will not until something wakes them up. While calling the authorities might work for a time, it might not change the court's decision immediately. It also might disrupt the good communication the girls have with you, if they see you as their go to person for reason and then this is done to their mother it might be cause for disruption to that trust. (just a thought)
Oh and regarding the dress-up...I used to steal my Mom's pajama shirts because they were frilly and soft. I also used ALL her makeup one day trying to make myself look beautiful. It's normal to a point, but again if you are feeling at all like this is not right and your Husband agress I would take action to get proof now.
Good luck and keep up the good work.
From having been a 9 year old girl, who not only loved "pretend" but was uber sensory (lingerie is SOFT, SILKY, & PRETTY! -and occasionally oddly scratchy...lace!) Soooo much more interesting on so many levels that cotton underwear. (I was also an artist, and women's curves are fascinating, both from an aesthetic...and a "what will I look like when I grow up?") They're also vaguely mysterious...WHY wear something pretty that no one else can see? (answers: either because YOU know you have them on and you feel pretty down to your skin... or because someone is suppose to seed them. Both pretty fascinating answers).
So I would chalk up the 9yo's lingerie & makeup fascination as fairly normal. (My mother was strict about no lingerie/makeup, but some of my friend's mom's were encouraging, either as a teaching moment, or for pretend... so I got to experiment at their houses... and when my mom was gone).
The rest, I would agree is concerning. And I'm afraid I haven't been there... so can't offer anything except that *I* would be confused and worried, too!
Hi S.,
This is definately a touchy situation to be in. But ultamately, it is your husbands decision to make. (with your obvious support) It is also his responsibility to sit his children down and explain his marraige to you. The air needs to be cleared once and for all.
Why in the world would the mother endanger her kids by leaving them with a drunk? I'll just never understand how a parent would not want the best for their children!!!!
About the 9 year old.....She is obviously under the influance of a person who is feeding all that stuff to her. I would start documenting everything. Anywhere from the comments and behavior of the 9 year old, to times where the babysitter has been drinking. When your husband decides that it is time to take action, then you will have everything in order. Documentation is very important in court. These kids don't sound like they are in a stable enviornment at their mothers house. Fight for them, and give them that loving home they deserve.
Good luck!
When it comes to the girls behavior, you have the right to tell them what is allowed and not allowed in your home. Just continue to be the example and tell them of what a true woman is to be. Confident, loving, and true to herself. When it comes to what is going on at the other parents home, it is up to your husband to make those calls. They are his children with her and if you step in, it will just make things that much harder because she will be defensive and start to manipulate. It is his job to protect them. Keep records (diary) of everything the girls tell you and things that happen. Maybe your husband can contact the courts and change the custody situation. Good luck to you. Also, just love those girls, they will eventually see who did them right.
A child's conveyance of worries/problems & confidences to you or your Husband, should be taken seriously... ESPECIALLY if the children feel unsafe... and/or the Adult who is supervising them, gets drunk etc. There is a parental obligation to protect them. AND... what if they ARE hurt somehow? What if there is "neglect" when the kids are at this woman's home? What if, what if, what if?
The GOOD thing, is your Husband AGREES with you. To me, it does not seem that telling his Ex-wife will get anywhere or solve anything. You already tried.
The thing is: is a child's safety is at stake... then as a citizen you "can" call CPS. But as you said, it seems severe to do this. So, what then? Well, not much you can do.... you can't change the stripes on a Zebra, in other words.
Sp do you wait? or not?
BUT, the 9 year old is coming to YOU and your hubby... because she feels she needs to and probably trusts you.
I would DOCUMENT EVERYTHING very carefully... anytime the kids tell you/Hubby anything, AND your own observations as well about the Ex's behavior/what she says/what she does etc. Just in case.
try sitting down with the children... you and Hubby and talk with the children about "why" they don't feel safe there??? And take notes.
That 9 year old is reaching out.... I would believe her over the Ex, who seems "looney." Sorry.
all the best,
Susan
Being a step-mom is tough. I imagine it's worse with girls. I have 2 step-sons, 9 and 14. I have been in their lives for 5 years and my husband and I have been married for 3. My biggest struggle is remembering that we have no control over what happens at their mom's house. If there is a serious question about their safety though... something needs to be done. Is their custody agreement court ordered? If your husband and his ex can't come to an agreement on things to assure the girls' safety he should take it to court. Make sure the girls' aren't exaggerating. Also at issue is if they just have the "feeling" that they aren't safe.
It's not easy having your kids somewhere part-time when you just don't really know what's going on. Make suer everything is safe in your home and they feel comfortable. Don't talk bad about her. She is their mother and the kids will figure things out on their own as they get older and form their own opinions.
The "sexy" dressing up... watch TV. It's everywhere. Makes it really hard to keep it out of your house when it's on the tween shows on Disney (Miley!!) and Nick.
Dear S.,
Talk to the children, independent of each other and make a decission based on what they say. Share it with your husband and then decide what action to take. You have a sense that all is not well, and is bette for you and the children to take some action than do nothing.
Good luck
Hello S.,
wow 9 with lipstick and all that is way too young for her to be acting that way. My daughter is 12 and she is ot allowed to wear make-up..Not that she wants too anyway. I can only suggest for you and your husband to sit down with the girls and express your concerns and for your husband to put rules in his shouse..like, no make-up no inapproriate clothing and so on. If you feel that they are in some sort of danger then I would say the father has the right to do what it takes to protect them.
Best of Luck,
E.
Have your husband deal with it. They are not your children and if you do it you will seem like the nosey trouble making new wife in my opinion. If he is concerned, not just because you say he should be, then how could he not react to it, they are his kids! Having a drunk sitter is a serious allegation that needs checking in to. Good luck.
call DFCS GOOD LUCK A. NO. HILLS
Sounds like the children are in an unsafe home with an apparently unstable bio mother.... do your husband and his ex share equal custodial rights of the children?
It sounds like you know in your heart and head what you must do...
Just think if something were to happen to either of those young children and you hadn't done anything...
They are minors and need the protection of adults that are looking out for their well-being.
Hello, First of all, does your husband have a copy of his divorce decree? Also, do you have your marriage license handy? I would show them this in a matter-of-fact way. I woulnd't make it as though it is to show that their mom is lying, just so that they don't lose respect for you or their dad. As far as the make up and dress up items, I would get some of the child type makeup and some appropriate dress up clothes for your house and allow her to take them with her if she wants.
Are you and/or your husband available to babysit when the girls are with their mom? Maybe you could offer to do that so that the time with the "roomate" is limited. It is not safe for them, but, you should take a step back. I know it is hard when you are concerned for their safety, but, as the stepmom your advice will not be taken with the good will you might mean for it to be. Let your husband deal with the ex.
Just show the girls that you love them and are there for them and they should turn out fine.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.
Sounds like you need to go to court and get custody modified. It will come down to proving these things which might be difficult...
S. B,
Blended families have a hard time adjusting and this can often be caused by the fact that children don't fully understand. You sound like an understanding woman. Let your husband take the lead, if he feels that his ex is doing the children harm, then the two of you should keep a journal of all the incidents and if you need them use them. Many times one parent won't accept the fact that they were left for another man/woman. I would suggest some counseling and get an assessment from a licensed counselor before proceeding to a court proceeding. This will either give you ammunition for a court case or the counselor/therapist can suggest some steps to take to change the situation.
Currently my youngest boy is having this same problem with his ex who is constantly being beaten by her current boyfriend in front of my grandsons. I too am concerned, but there is not much I can do as the grandmother. I told my son to seek legal advice, and get proof of these happenings. You and your husband should do the same, consult an attorney and a counselor (for the emotional assessment of the children) and proceed from there. This will save you some legal fees and more trauma to these children.
Good Luck to you and your new family.
S.,
As a step mom to two boys that came into my life when they were 2 1/2 & 7 I can relate to some of your issue regarding the mom. Since she is giving the girls false info and confusing them I would suggest you show the 9 year old the documention of the dissolved marriage and the proof of your marriage and explain in very simple basic terms. Then send your husband to the ex next time he drops off the girls and tell her that she is confusing the children with what she is telling them, so you have set them straight with the proof of documentation and the girls now understand so tell him to say he is warning her to stop discussing it with the children. Hopefully that will work for that issue. But as another mom wrote do not ever bad mouth the mother. That's very good advice and the same goes for Dad. The kids will find out the truth when they get older. When our kids became teenager and started asking their father questions he told them when they were 21 he would explain. That's what he did. At 21 he showed them all the court documents and what we went through. Your second issue is a lot more difficult as far as the kids not being happy at their mothers and her drinking friend. We found out that my husbands ex had a boyfriend who was a drinker and drug user. We did not really know the extent but one weekend when the kids stayed with us and spilled their guts my husband decided to play hardball. He called her and told her what the kids were telling us and if she did not get the boyfriend out of the house he was not going to return them home. It's a fine line here. It worked for us. She put her kids in first position cause she knew if she fought us on it she could lose the kids anyway. She kicked the druggie out and we returned the kids by the end of the weekend when we were convinced he was out. If there is shady stuff going on at moms house it may give you some leverage if she thought that information were to go before the courts. If your really worried I would gather as much information, journal everything the kids tell you and try to get proof. (We were able to get into her house and take pictures of the mess.) Then take it to court to try to get more custody. That's probably the best way to try to protect the kids. In the mean time love the kids as if they are your own and show no favoritism between them and your own daughter. They will come to love you and appreciate you and your home if it is loving and so much more stable than moms. The courts will start to listen to the children when they are 12. If by the time the 9 year old is 12 and you haven't solved the problem you have today, you might be able to get custody if that's what the daughter wants and they would probably send the younger one along with the older one to keep them together. Good luck. Your a good step mom for being so concerned.
C.
I think you should continue doing your best to keep open lines of communication with evryone involved, if they are willing to do the same. Stay positive about the situation and do your best to be honest with the children, and teach them how to be young women who respect them selves. Show them by example and aplaud them when they are responsive.
Unfortuately, some poeple don't want to see other people happy so, just keep in mind that this is an attack on your happiness and the peace you want for your family. Prayer is always in order, for everyone who's involved. Trust God, be wise, and expect good results. The process will pass after a while.
God bless.
