Need Advice on Ex-wifes?

M.-
You are trying to do what is best for the children and that is what is most important. You can't control how other people think or what they do. You will go crazy if you try. If their mother's boyfriend is hitting the children (or even just treating them badly), the children need to get out of that situtation. Just be sure not to say anything negative to the children (or around the children) about thier mother.

Keep the children's best intestest at the forefront and keep the faith.

Good luck!

M.-

I went through the same situation- I have been married to my husband for 12 years now and the kids are still suffering the wrath of her! It was one of the most dificult situations to be in! Through it all though we learned that the most important thing is the happiness and the well being of the children. We are adults and we can defend ourselves and make sense of others who do not make much sense, but the children are the ones who end up suffering if we don't play our cards right. I never tried to be friends with her as a matter of fact wherever she is I make sure that I am not just avoid any confrontation! I try and tell myself that if the shoe were on the other foot maybe I too would act very territorial BUT OH MY GOODNESS this one is beyond territorial (a real nut job) My husband and I made a whole lot of sacrifices for the kids- just until they could make an adult decision themselves. We never talked badly about her and as a matter of fact when they talked badly of her we would correct them- I guess my long drawn out advice for you is to DO WHAT"S BEST FOR THE CHILDREN! Try not to scar their lives like my step childrens mother has done to them. My step children are in college and are still haunted by the mistakes that their mother has made-

My .50 cents

Good luck to you and remember the innocence of the children-

J.

Hi there-

While I can't give any advice, I wanted to write and give you kudos for stepping up to the plate to help these children. Go you!

Best wishes,
N.

Hi M.,

I am going to deviate from what everyone else has said and give my 2 cents.

I don't think you should do the custody battle thing, the divorce has already emotionally scared the children, shouldn't that be enough? Children are interesting and they tend to tell the stories that will pit parents against one another or will break up the relationship that they they don't like. They also tend to feed off of what the adults around them are or aren't saying. Right now my brother is dealing with the ex of his fiance and the children make their dad seem like a "God", but he doesn't really do anything for them and he makes it seem as if its their mother's fault that he's not still with her instead of his own fault and choice. I'm not saying that your step children are lying, I am simply saying that all the facts should be weighed and give it some time. Don't rush into court for this battle, it will be the longest, hardest and most draining battle that you could imagine and if you have a new marriage, it could possibly destroy that by adding to much strain financially and emotionally. If the two of you live near the mother try to work out an arrangement where you all have the children more often, volunteer to "watch" them when she wants some "me time" to hang with her new boyfriend. And this bit of advice might seem strange, but don't stop the child-support payments or try to have them altered, that seems to make women like her more furious...one of my ex-boyfriends lost his son because he wanted to solidify the custody arrangement of his son and stop the child-support payments since he had physical custody, but it was obvious when he asked her to go to the court and have the child-support reduced and/or rescinded that she was only interested in the money and not really the welfare of the child. It may seem like a large sacrifice to make, but in the end what's more important the money or the sanity and safety of the children, your husband and yourself?

As for telling the children, we don't give our children credit for being as intelligent as they are. I am very honest with my daughter about how I feel about her father, I tell her that he loves her and made sure she did not absorb my feelings for him and I let him destroy himself in her eyes all on his own. She decided that she didn't want to see him anymore and expressed why just as clearly as you or I would and she was only 4 or 5 at the time. Sometimes protecting children from the truth actually scares them more than telling them the truth without including your personal feelings and there is a big difference.

I hope what I've said help, even if it's just an inch!

--K.
P.S. Whatever you do when/if you decide to actually take the matter to court, make sure that on the day that you go to court you and your husband have physical custody of the children. The courts tend to leave the children in their current location despite previous arrangements & IL is full of dead-beat dads so be prepared to fight hard to get them. And finally keeping the diary is a good idea, that's how my friend won her custody battle with her ex, it does weigh in much more than you think!

Even though your husbands ex wife is not a very good mother to the kids she still is there mother.
My husbands kids call me Mommy S.. If I were you I would go for full custody. It may be very costly but what kind of life will the kids have if all she wants to do is be with her boyfriend. Sound like you can give them all the love and wonderful memories of being a child. good luck

You and your new family are in a hard place. When I was in divorce court this year I watched a young woman go before the judge. She lost her son because her new boyfriend the pediphile was more important then her son. She would not leave him. She could only she her son under supervised conditions. It was awful to watch.

My children are my life. No one has a better relationship with me. They are both very close to me even more since I had a cancer scare. God gave these two people to me so I could help them become who they should be. I cannot imagine having two wonderful children that are not mine in this situation. I know it is tearing all of you appart.

Do you have a lawyer? It maybe hard to get the kids away from her. I would definately got in counseling for all of you. The change will be hard and stressful. Get a disinterested party to take pictures of injuries. Call the police when he hits the kids. Get DCFS involved to help you. Call a SAFE PLACE and other agencies to get help with what to do.

Remember you will be the bad guys no matter what. She will probably hate on one hane and like it on the other. NO win situation. Good luck!!

Think about the kids and stop worrying about what the ex-wife thinks. The most important thing here is the safety, health and emtotional well being of those kids. If she's stupid enough to be with an abusive man and let him hit her kids, then she deserves to lose custody. Again, don't even concern yourself with her. What sort of mother lets anyone touch her kids???? I'd give her a piece of my mind if I were you..but that's just me and I can't stand to see people neglect their kids in any way.

Do you think your husband should talk to her about the new boyfriend and the hitting before you start the full custody process? See if there is any improvement in the situation first? A custody fight is a big deal and maybe the boyfriend will be a passing situation.

L

M.,
Its a hard situation, but like the previous moms have said, you have to do what is best for the children.

My husband and I have been together for 11 years and there is almost always some issue with his ex. In some ways it was easier when my step daughter was little (she is 17 now) and in some ways its easier now.

You can't reason with his ex. You just can't. She may be nice to your face, but will talk all kinds of trash behind your back. Do what you need to do for the kids.

Keep telling the kids that you love them and that you are doing your best to make sure that they are safe. Let the courts handle the rest.

Best of Luck.
B.

well seems to me now that she has a bf he is more important the her children are. Which should never ever happen. I am sure that your hubby has told his ex that their children want to call you mom and she does not believe him (I had the same problem with my second hubby being called daddy by my oldest daughter). If she is not doing her parental part for these children then she should no be a parent. Go for full custody.

I would.and I did. My daughter is now 23 and we are great. Married to my gregory now almost 20 year and 2 more girls with him. Perfect everything!!

J.
www.noahbyjodi.com