How Do You Make " Girlfriends VS. Aquantainces?

Share something personal.

I had the same issue as you - no "real" friends. (I'm not the most social person). Even after getting sober - I just didn't seem to 'get it'.

Then I found that when I shared some personal secret - the other person did too! And that was the foundation - the first step.

After that, the normal defense mechanisms of acquaintances seem to fall away and are replaced by the open arms of friendship.

But somebody has to be the first one to let their guard down. :)

I think most people are in the same boat. I wouldn't read too much into her calling you "the girls she plays sports with". Sometimes people introduce each other that way to give context. I went to a baby shower recently and I was introduced as someone she used to work with. We are definitely friends, but that is how we met versus friends she met from her hometown, sorority, gym etc.

I became a SAHM mom two years ago and prior to that much of my social circle were actually work acquaintances. Once I stopped working, there were very few people I kept in touch with. I found a club in my town that has women of all ages and sponsors special interest groups (playgroups, knitting, crafts, outdoors, social, etc). I joined a playgroup and a running group. Although many of the people I met are still acquaintances, I did find a few people I actually connected with. Many of the events I see these people at are still club or kid focused, I do think there are a few people I could call if I were in a jam or needed someone to talk to.

Believe it or not, my circle of friends is predominantly people I went to high school with. We have spread out some, but still try to get together at least a few times a year. I call those people when I really need a friend.

Good luck!

"One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible."
Henry Adams

Well, you know what they say--if you have O. or two true friends in your entire life, consider yourself lucky!
I think (especially through the kid years) the acquaintances number goes WAAAAAAAY up because of kid friends, activities, sports teams, etc.
IF you feel like you really do "click" with O. of these acquaintances, then kick it up[ a notch and ask if she would like to go xyz with you (grab dinner, catch a show, etc.)
And I agree with Mallory and I think that those "little circles" are mostly made up mommy play groups! A.K.A "Cliques"! LOL

I read some of the responses and I am truly surprised that so many women struggle with this. I honestly thought I was a minority but it's clear this is something a lot of women go through. My best friend lives in TX, we've been friends since 1st grade. We've seen each other ONCE in person since 8th grade! Our husbands have never met, but have talked on the phone. She and I have talked about this as well: it's really hard to make friends as adults. Many acquaintances but not many true friendships can make life for a SAHM lonely. It's nice to be able to come and go and be independent but it's also nice to know a lady friend or two to go out with from time to time.

There was a lady at my grocery store I really liked. I stopped to talk to her every time I went grocery shopping. We exchanged our names but over time I got the feeling she forgot mine but as we continued talking over several months, I thought I would really like to be friends with her. I just didn't know how to make it happen so my best friend suggested that I make a batch of cookies (this happened to be just around Christmas time), give her a card with my name and other contact info on it and give it to her. It was that little gift that initiated the friendship that she and I now have. We call each other, email and she's since had a baby and quit her job since that first gift I gave her and now she and her husband are preparing to move but it's little things like a gift of cookies, or an invite to your house for lunch or coffee that can take that acquaintance to a friendship level. I am guilty of saying, "Oh, we should get together too," but nothing ever becomes of it. Sometimes we just need to make the first move and see what happens next. You are not alone, though.

Hi, One:

When I was growing up on a farm in Stony Creek, VA, we were farming folks. We did every thing either manually or with mules and tractors. Everyone had to watch the same TV channel. A party line telephone. We were a community. There as no computer or cell phones.
Everyone worked together. We were friends. True friends.

Now-a-days, we live in a fast pace world. Everything people do is individually. There is no sharing from the heart. People are in their thinking brain, not in their emotional brain.

Relationshiips are superficial and people are no longer important. Life is all about money, money, money. It is not about forming relationships.
There are a few people who want relattionships, but very few. Love your family, and those who respond to you.
Good luck.
D.

I think it is based on experiences you share together. It doesn't happen overnight it takes time. You say that you mention getting together sometime but have you ever initiated anything? Try to actually schedule something...coffee, happy hour, dinner...or invite her and her family over for a BBQ. Are you social in these settings? Try to initiate conversation. Sometimes you just have to take the first step.

It took me soooo long to make friends when we moved. I was so lonely for the first five years here. Then I joined the PTA, scouts, hockey board. Out of the that I have made 3 really dear friends in 13 years. I picked and chose who I would like to get to know, dumped the crazies, drama queens dumped, heavy drinkers dumped, mean moms dumped and what I found were 3 wonderful moms who liked the same things, such as cookouts, laughing, family outings, clean fun, kid stuff, kind hearted women. I am still friends with them to this day.

It takes a little while to weed through who you would like to spend time with. But I did it. So can you...and don't feel bad if you start to get to know someone and they are not your cup of tea. Move on to the next person and give them a chance to show you what kind of person they are. That is what I did. Someone who fits into YOUR lifestyle and likes to do things that you like to do. Everyone shows their true colors at some point, its up to you if this is the kind of person you want around your family. Good luck!!

You are not alone...I am the exact same way. I know tons of people but really have no "group" of friends. Will be watching your replies on this.

I'll chime in as a person who has a so-called "circle of friends" and burst the bubble right here:

I see that 'circle' about once a year, at my husband's and my birthday party. We invite them, we all have a good time, and some of them, I might see once before the following October, and likely at one of their parties. They have other, closer friends, and I have friends I see more often as well. I love seeing them, but to be truthful, I have just three 'regular' girlfriends... and we all do not usually hang out together.

I'm very introverted, so one-on-one relationships feed my soul so much better. I have two 'older' friendships that are born of circumstance: one is my girlfriend from high school, where we were misfits with wacky families; one I met in my very early twenties, where we were misfits at our church, so to speak. My last, newest girlfriend is a mom I just 'clicked' with, and you know, it took a long time for this last relationship to deepen outside of the mom's group (which I rarely participate in anymore...too busy).

A big part of what made all of these relationships happen was follow-through on my part. It meant calling just to see what's up (which isn't easy for me at the onset of a new relationship) and really putting myself out there.

There's also the flip side, which is to say that I've met many other women I thought would be neat friends and suffice it to say, it didn't pan out. Within my 'circle' I previously discussed, there are only one or two couples that make an effort to get together aside from the once-a-year events. A lot of the reason we get together is because I make it happen, make the calls, schedule, reschedule if need be...

and so this is what I will hand back to you: if you like a particular person, try taking it one step further. Keep calling for those good playdates and then try to expand them for a picnic outing, a hike or some other common interest. Don't just mention that you want to get together for coffee or go out for a movie or drink, call and ask specifically "Hey do you want to go and get a cup of tea on Tuesday night" or 'Brunch on Sunday' etc. Also, most of my mom's group acquaintances do have a harder time getting out, which is why you might see something that looks like a circle of friends... but behind that was an email that went out three weeks before and even still, not everyone could make it... do you get what I'm saying? It's mostly about circumstances, recognizing opportunities and making an effort for it to happen.

For what it's worth, I wouldn't focus negatively on the descriptor of 'being the girl she plays sports with'...it sounds like this person really appreciates that she can do this with you, and it gives more information than 'oh, she's a friend'. But I can understand why it stings a bit. Just wanted to say the grass isn't always greener...

If there are a couple of acquaintances that you hit it off with, I would invite them to do something. Time to put your hostess hat on! For example, invite two or three at a time to get together to go walking, go to a movie, go have coffee, go get a drink, host a Scrabble night. Ongoing contact builds friendships. It is hard, but sometimes we have to initiate. Also, keep setting up playmates/ mommy dates with the ones you click with and see how it goes. It takes effort but it so worth it! Keep at it even if you are the only one initiating. It can just take time! Also, maybe find a Moms group on Meetup.com or MOPS.
Blessings!

I feel the same way as you, but I really don't do much to change it. In fact, when I meet another woman and she wants to "get together" and actually tries to make plans, I avoid her calls. And then a few weeks later I wish I had someone to go get a pedicure with, go figure. I consider myself a little bit of a social retard. There is a book that I own (and have yet to read) called, "MWF seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend". Maybe you could read it and let me know if it's worth it! Since I'm too lazy.

I think you need to try reaching out more to the acquaintances--you won't know till you try, right? I'm am sort of the in the same boat, so I'm preaching to myself too.

But, the girl you play sports with, suggest that after the next game/practice you grab a bit to eat. The acquaintances you feel you might connect well with, suggest a playdate with your kids, or invite them to do something (go to the fair, "escape the kids and go to a movie" or etc.). Yes, sometimes they say no, but keep asking (them or others) till you get a yes.

casually mentioning "getting together"....doesn't work.

You have to take the initiative, make definite plans, & do a full-frontal invite! Be prepared for "no's", remain flexible & open to other ideas. & you should be on your way to a new friendship!

It's hard! I'm trying to break out of my self-imposed (& I love it) hermit existence. I am very happy in my world, but know that I need to expand my horizons. With my older son, I did it all...with a baby in tow. With my younger son, he's very confident & self-sufficient....& I stay out of the way. That's one of the perks of being an older mom & 9 years between my sons. :)

My best friend & I have talked a lot about this phenomenon lately. We rely on each other too much, & are trying to break the habit. We love each other, but have relied upon our daily conversations for "social life" a little bit too much! Hard habit to break....when it feels so good! :)

Good Luck to you!

Try meetup groups (www.meetup.com) specifically designed to make friendships. Seriously, I had the same issue. Many women are not up to making new friendships, are very picky about "who" they want to hang out with or are toxic. This has been my experience. Recently, I've outgrown the moms' group stage and have moved into trying meetups and it's worked out well. I hope this helps!

Time, trust, effort, things in common, it's that unexplicable connection that makes a "girlfriend". There is no magic potion to make it happen. I think the biggest reason a mom might not have friends is because she doesn't make the time to make it happen. At least, that's how I see it.

You have to make yourself vulnerable a bit - declare your interest in being real friends, express the potential you see to deepen the friendship into something that is more than transient. Hopefully the person or people you are considering have already demonstrated they are trustworthy...

I think most people don't really have a perfect little circle of friends though... I have a few real friends, but they don't really hang out together or anything. Don't reach for what you think other people have, because from my experiences, hanging out with larger groups of people tends to generate more conflict and drama than it is worth.

I am sad that there are so many women who feel this. I think Facebook makes people depressed too- it LOOKS like everyone is having so much fun with ALL their friends... but if you think about it, for the MOST part- people are posting the fun stuff/ the good stuff. Not the depressing stuff. (I mean you might get that one person who only posts overly personal TMI sad stuff)...
I am thankful to say that I do have some great women friends - and you can too!
I work full time but in a male-dominant field and try not to be too close with people I work with just so that I can project a professional demeanor.
However- I also have two kids (preschool and elementary). It takes work to start- you have to put time into it.
I was fortunate enough to be invited into a book club that meets at a different person's house every 6 weeks and there are 15 of us. Over the years, and over drinks and food and books we have become a great bond. I am much closer to some of the women than others but feel a great connection to all of them. We discuss the book but we also reflect our lives in the books and share a lot.
I have suggested to a few friends that they start a book club. It's easier than you think - so many women want to join one! Put some feelers out to some mom friends. It is best if you can keep it within a one mile radius or so - because it means you guys and your kids likely will cross paths. Aim for like 8 women to start and take turns hosting. We usually have wine/ soda/ light snacks provided by the hostess. It's usually 7:30-10:30 or 11 on a Friday or Saturday night.. Eventually you might grow to 15 like we have by word of mouth or a friend invites a friend. You can find book club book lists easily.. Water for Elephants/ Hunger Games/ some historical, etc. The hostess chooses the first book, sends out the evite and voila!
Inbox me if you need more help with this. :) or if you don't know how to start, or who to ask...
I also go to the gym 4-6 times a week and one of my closest friends now ended up being one of my instructors who just made me laugh all the time so I invited her for a quick drink and we have been friends since.
Also, i have another small group of friends who hang out because we all volunteer on the same things in the kids' schools. :)
Finally- if your kids play sports- you meet a LOT OF MOMS that way! Some of my friends are those moms and we all go to lunch or go to one of ourhouses after to have bbq hotdogs or something... If your kids are NOT in sports- try to join one. Soccer, bball, swim.. and GO to the games and practices. Ask a mom about her kids. Some will be instant on the NO list.. But some might be warm and friendly. You can open up and ask about them- people like to talk about themselves (not in a boastful way but we have a lot of life experience!) Ask if they belong to a book club, because you are thinking of starting one.. Ask how they joined, how they choose books, any tips they can give, etc. It gets them talking and feeling comfortable. Or ask if they are reading, or how long they have been doing sports with kids, etc.. Get them to talk about themselves on a light topic. :)
ALso, do not casually mention stuff. ASK! If you genuinely think they are up to getting together, don't leave it open ended! "Hey- what about going to (insert place) on Friday? They have a great happy hour food special!" or "let's meet up-where are the best places to go? (let them suggest, ask what's good) and say "Hey are you free on Friday or Sunday night?" if they say no then say " when do you like to get out".
You WILL notice there are SOME people who say yes but mean no. We all get that so don't feel like it's you! Keep trying. You have to put yourself out there. Don't share too much too soon. Be fun! Fun people draw people to them. Are you not fun? be interesting! be well-read! be a good listener! but don't be a bummer. :) Everyone already has their own issues and it's not fun starting a NEW friendship with someone who complains a lot or just doesn't seem to LIKE anyone or anything. Look and make sure you are projecting your best self and GET OUT THERE! :) Good luck!
ALSO- I noticed below that some people say something like "it's no big deal, who wants to be friends with a bunch of catty women." You have to NOT assume women are catty. PEOPLE can be catty. PEOPLE can be awesome. It's sexist to categorize us all one way. Everyone deserves a chance- Everyone has trials and tribulations, struggles, flaws, strengths, crosses to bear and advice to share. Some will rub you the wrong way- it happens. But there are more GOOD apples than bad!