Friend and I Not Bonding

Why bother with her? You are only civil towards each other.She is not a friend to you, you are not a friend to her. Move on.
You don't need a ton of friends, just a few who care.

It doesn't really sound like Susan is looking for a friend in you. Seems to me she sees you as the mom of the kids her kids play with. And not very often at that.

If you REALLY want a bonded friendship with Susan, you are going to have to make more of an effort. You did say both of you are reserved. You're going to have to reach out a bit more.

It doesn't sound like the kids are really that friendly either. So, I would dispense with the playdates and perhaps you just invite Susan out to lunch or coffee or dessert or whatever so the two of you can get to know each other better and leave the kids home with their dad's.

Good luck! I hope you find the friend you need!

Some friendships remain superficial. It takes something special for two people to bond, as you put it. I suggest that you accept this friendship the way it is. If nothing has happened to bond you in 2-3 years it's not going to happen.

As difficult as it is, I suggest you focus on getting to know other moms. Perhaps arrange play dates for your daughter with classmates. Or take a continueing education or a Parks and Recreation class. The more people you interact with the more likely you're able to find one with which you can have that bond.

Your husband is right - she is not a friend. Time to let it go.

If you have not bonded yet, it is not going to happen and besides your kids have grown apart.

Not everyone is going to have that friend chemistry - so I'd let this other mom situation die out. Your kids don't bond either.

Get yourself involved in causes that are dear to you. Maybe breast cancer research organziations, a food pantry, classes at the library, your local church? Our church has a Women's Bible Study - of the 130+ women who come probably at least 1/3 of them don't go to our church - but what a great way to meet other moms. You are also still mourning the loss of your sister - maybe a grief group - lots of church and other organziations have them. If you keep yourself busy and try not to focus on finding a friend you may stumble across one. I prayed for a good friend and I met a mom whose kids were the same ages as mine and our kids just began hanging out with eachother. It was wonderful. It's been nearly 8 years and we have busy times when we hardly see eachother - then we'll have times that we get together frequently. I'm not one to hang out in big groups - so having this one special friend and then a few other women friends who've developed through church over the years is a nice thing.

Good luck mama. Pray - God cares about the details of your life.

You're not really friends with this woman. I'm sorry. And it sounds like you really don't have the chemistry it would take to get closer or bond.

So it's time to focus your energy elsewhere. Call your closest friend, your "bestie," and get together. You don't need "all the friends you can get," you need one really great friend who loves you.

Sometimes you just don't click with someone, even when you want to.

The woman who started the Moms & Tots group at my old church is a perfectly lovely woman, with sweet kids, but we just don't have that spark that I have with a few of my friends. It is ok. We're not going to click in the same way with everyone we meet.

While I didn't become besties with the woman who started the Moms & Tots group, I did become close friends with 2 of the other women in the group. We have each other's kids over, we meet up at the YMCA or play cafes, park playdates, etc. One of them is more introverted, like me, but the other one is exhuberant and very extroverted. I do well in a blended group of personalities.

What have you tried to make friends? Do you belong to a church or other community organization? Have you tried Meetup.com to see what groups are around your area? Do you have neighbors with kids of the same age range? I had to go out of my way to find friends, since I live 400 miles away from where I grew up, and where my best friends live.

I also am hesitant to have people over to my house, but when my next door neighbor suggested we start bringing our 3 yr old boys to each other's houses to help them break out of their shells, I didn't hesitate to say "yes." Knowing that I will have a guest every Monday makes me better able to keep my house in "company ready" form. No, not as nice as I would have it if I were having a big family gathering, or if the Pope was coming to visit, but enough to not feel at all embarrassed.

ETA: My sister is my best friend too (and I'll come right out and say that she's even above my husband in the friendship realm). I can't imagine the pain you are feeling from her loss. A beloved sister is irreplacable, but I hope you can find someone to bond with.

She's just not that into you. You don't have to throw that friendship out but most likely it's not going to change. Keep searching.

I have a friend that even though we had kids about the same age and they enjoyed each other, she would never let it go to the next level of familiarity.
I had a bad day with my father dying of Cancer and ask her over but she just wouldn't take that step. I think part of it was that she was raised with 3 brothers and a neighborhood of boys and really didn't understand the beauty of a friendship where you don't care if they see your milk crumbs in your refrigerator and nobody cares and where you just hang out and be there for the other person. We still see each other, even on Christmas. We are just not close.

I have another great friendship that I made through a moms prayer group when my youngest was in K. We clicked. That's seems to be a better time to make good friendships that don't immediately involve our kids. While you may search for a while, it is worth the effort. And make no mistake, it is an effort.
Try another moms group. Try a group at church. Try a greif counseling center. Volunteer, when you get a moment. You will find someone who values your friendship. I understand where you are coming from.

I'm very sorry about your sister. :(

As for this "friend"? She's not.
Some "mom friends" are just that--friends by child association.
Some ARE friends.
But I think it's time to stop beating this particular horse.
It's dead.
Doesn't sound like your daughter will miss this friendship much either.
Win/Win.

There are LOTS of other potential friends out there. Go find them!
Good luck!

First, I am very sorry for the loss of your sister. Losing a loved one is so hard; losing your best confidant is too.

Moving along to your particular question: your husband is right. Stop putting in effort when there is none returned. You don't seem to particularly care for Susan and your daughter sounds like she's moved on too. Best for both of you to step away from something which you seem to find rather unfulfilling.

What I would do, if it were me in this situation, is find something interesting you like doing and volunteer. If you are a SAHM, consider finding something to do in your children's school. You will meet so many more people that way, and it's very low-risk emotionally-- you aren't 'putting yourself out there', you are just *there* and it will be natural for some people to interact with you. I'm pretty introverted (I can pass for extroverted for short periods of time) and I chose to volunteer at the school library. Mary, it is *awesome*. It took a few months, but now I've developed a friendly relationship with a couple of other volunteers, the librarian and the staff. One mom and I giggle over our kids, the books they like, make light jokes and tease each other. ("The Rainbow Fairies books are all checked in... I know you were just wanting those soo much.")

The other reason I suggest volunteering, Mary, is that it is low-risk for a reserved person. No one expects you to be entertaining, the life of the party, or exciting. We're all just *there*, we have an instant 'something in common' (the activity we are doing) to talk about, and it creates a sort of organic camaraderie which I find is really quite pleasant. It gets me out of myself, out of my shell-- it didn't happen right away, either-- and I do not worry about those relationships or if I'm 'doing enough' because these are other people who have low expectations of those interactions. It's not about *us*. :)

That's my suggestion. I hope you find a friendly face in your world soon enough. I've also learned, over time, that my husband is my best friend, I have a couple close friends I spend time with, and mostly I just enjoy having lots of friendly interactions with a wide variety of people--even the same familiar faces at my local grocery store. We just take a minute to ask after each other. Nothing profound or in-depth, but very good all the same. That, to me, really fills me up.

I think this is twofold.

1. You had a major loss so you are sensitive to other "losses" or perceptions of loss of friendship and want a connection with people. It sounds like you were never very close to this person, with or without Monica, and will not find that connection now.

2. Not everybody your kid plays with will also have compatible friends for you. Further, not every playmate will be good to play with forever. If your child is kind of meh on the whole thing, then politely decline the playdates. Say you are busy or point out that the girls do not seem to be enjoying each other's company the way they used to or, if it's Monica's kids, suggest something without her. Two might be fun but four's a crowd?

I think overall, you should not feel guilty to move on from this relationship if she's really more of a good acquaintance than a friend. Consider a regular activity for your child or simply go to parks and libraries where you are likely to run into similar minded kids and parents. There are Meet Up groups for kids/parents. Look at what the park and rec program has to offer, etc.

I'd personally rather no friends than bad friends.

I'm sorry to say this but you can't drop a friend you don't have. This woman is not your friend. A friend makes you feel good about yourself and helps you get through times of trouble and pain.

I am so sorry about your sister and other friend.

I am sorry about your sister.

I agree with the others. She is not your friend. You are just acquaintances. It sounds like your daughters are no longer friends either. You can not force a bond. With some people, you hit it off right away and develop a friendship and with others, you don't. Two very nice people with similar interests still may not ever move past the acquaintance level.

I would invest your efforts in someone else.

I'm sorry to hear about your sister. You will never be able to replace what you had. Not ever, not with anyone.

It sounds like Susan is meant to be a friendly acquaintance, and not a close friend. That is okay. Don't spend any more time over analyzing it.

What you have is a mom that you sometimes see at a park when she is with her friend. That's all the relationship is, and all it needs to be. There is no reason for this to upset you, as she hasn't done anything wrong.

I don't know about "dropping" her but I think it might help you to accept that it's okay you are not bonding. You can still see her from time to time when it is convenient but do not have expectations of a friendship depth that does not exist. Since you are not bonding it really isn't that weird that she did not do much with your sisters passing. She doesn't know you that well it sounds like and most of us don't really understand what it is to go through grief unless we have had similar experience. Even best of friends do not always know how to help a grieving friend. Grief can be so lonely.

I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the heartache of losing a sister. It's unimaginable. I am sorry you do not have friends in Florida and feel alone right now. This will be hard, but I would encourage you to find ways to make friends.

Ideas: Start chatting with other mom's and see if there is an interest for a bunko group or a book club. Be the organizer and test the waters with friendships this way. Try and invite in Mom's you get a good feeling about.
Join a club.
Join a church.
Take a yoga class.
Chat with Mom's at the park.
Volunteer.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss and your vulnerable situation. You might even consider a grief support group to help you through this rough time.

I'm so sorry about your sister. Unfortunately, I think it's time to move on from this particular friendship as it does not seem to be working for you or your kids.

Not everyone you meet thru your kids will be your buddy. Sometimes you meet someone in a strange place and then be ome good friends. As far as the death of your sister, I am so sorry for your loss. As for your friend, some people really do not know what to say or do, so they do nothing.. Been there. I understood why support was lacking from some good friends. Never changed our relationship, I just understood that we all handle things differently.

It sounds like you are acquaintances out of convenience, so that your children could have a playmate, and that you aren't and never were really true "friends". I am not BFFs with all my child's friend's parents and that's okay with me. I have taken the time to form my own small circle.

As far as your sister dying, I am very sorry for that. A true friend would've been by your side. Maybe this needed to happen, so that you knew where the relationship stood. If you're not bonded after several years, it's definitely not going to happen now.

Time to move on and broaden your horizens. Having been a quieter type in the past myself, and being a busy adult, I understand that it's hard to meet and make friends. You HAVE to put yourself out there, go out of your comfort zone, invite people over, call them to say "hi", initiate plans and make time for all of it, happily and willingly. You will never make friends if you don't try and will never make friends if you sit there waiting for others to find you. Sometimes when you're quiet, it makes you seem unapprochable and stuck up when that's not the case. Think of how you carry yourself and your openness and approachability. And remember that the first person you meet may not be long term friend material. It's sort of like dating, honestly, so don't be disappointed. I have had to dump many a toxic or disappointing "friend". Don't latch onto the first person you find.

Also, your child's playmates' parents aren't always going to be people who are friend material for you. It's better to find your OWN friends that are not tied to your child(ren)'s social life. Take a class, join a group, do something to get out there.

The problem is very simple you are going about this all wrong. You know people, you form a bond and that bond is called friendship. You don't pick someone who meets your criteria and then say you are my friend, lets bond.

That is just unnatural and bound to fail.

I'm sorry, she doesn't sound like she's friend material. She sounds like she's too self-involved to care for others. If she couldn't make it to your house, she should have attempted to reschedule/take a raincheck, or have you over to her house instead. I wonder if she really is busy or just doesn't want that close of a friendship. The reason I say this is because of Monica. Maybe she's so attached to Monica that she won't do things without her, like coming to your house, but she had no way of getting out of it unless she pretended that she was busy last minute. Come to think of it, I do find it rude to constantly include Monica without talking to you about it. It's sort of like the guy who keeps bringing his friend to a date. Does he really want it to be a date if there's a friend there? Do you see what I mean?

Have you ever allowed her to reach out to you or are you the one always reaching out? This is another way to test the friendship. If you're the one always putting the effort, you will realize it is one-sided. If your kids aren't even liking each other and your friendship is shaky, why even bother? What do you all have in common? It seems like nothing. If the kids got along at least, it'd be one thing, but if she's not making an effort to see you AND your kids don't bond, there's nothing keeping this friendship going, especially if she and Monica are so close, and so are their kids. I guess she doesn't feel comfortable with you alone and that is why she brings Monica, and the same can be said for her kids, who want to play with Monica's kids. Maybe she feels she has more to say to Monica, and their kids get along, but with you and the fact your kids won't even play with each other, she feels awkward? Regardless, you ARE being treated like third wheel.

You mentioned that your sister died and Susan didn't do much in order to console you. That alone is the proof you needed that she's not really a friend. A real friend calls to check on you, tries to keep you busy and cheered up, offers to help you at home, whatever, to get your mind off of the passing of your best friend. A generic "I am sorry" on Facebook is b.s., the equivalent of a Facebook acquaintance saying hi to you. That's not a sign of friendship. If she had said "I am sorry, I am here for you, call me", it'd be different...I'm sorry, she doesn't sound like she's interested in this friendship and I agree with your husband that you need to move on. Keep her as an acquaintance if you'd like, but you have tried for YEARS to become close to this woman and she hasn't reciprocated. I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope you find some REAL friends among your group that DO care about you and your loss and care to keep you cheered up.

Hi, I am sorry about your sister as well & can't begin to imagine how hard that is! You are in my thoughts.

Everyone here has had great ideas, you will find people at places you enjoy (like the gym or a craft or volunteering)... I also live in the Tampa area (but that is such a huge area, so I would recommend checking out www.meetup.com & search for a playgroup near your zipcode (there are hundreds in just our area). I am in one & "20 minutes away" is a long distance for friends you meet at the park. Once you make yourself go & decide who you DO click with, then you can decide on the drive...

Florida is different for making friends, people are more transient & some people met when their kids were tiny. Just keep trying! I do :) I wish you the best of luck & hope you find relationships that make you happier!

I am so sorry for your lose!!! I know that's very hard!!!!

Honestly she does not sound like a friends anyway. If she has to invite this other person along. And if your kids don't even play together I would just cut your losses with this and not worry about her. I know it's hard when you don't have many close friends. I am in the same boat but I woudn't want to feel the way it sounds like she makes you feel!!!

I am sending you a great big HUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!