It's sort of complicated. Actually, I had sent out a question back in March about how to handle a rough 4 yo play mate. Well, this is the same family. After March, the situation kept getting too hairy, with the mother, the 4 yo rough son, and the 7 soon to be 8 yo rude and manipulative daughter. Let's just say, I avoided the whole family, kept my kids at a distance too. The mother started to almost remind me of a stalker. Where ever and what ever we were doing, she was there with her kids. The kind that would corner you and if you couldn't committ to anything she would keep trying for another day or another something. She's a very busy mom, that works out of her house, has 2 adult teenagers and 2 young ones.
My main issues, 1. I hate confrontation. 2. I don't care for her parenting style. My son would be over for a play date and I would call saying I'm coming to pick him up and she's telling me that perfect, she will be out of the shower by then. My son was 4 1/2 at the time. Your leaving your rough son who doesn't listen and my son alone, while you take a shower, without your supervision? Which I didn't think I had to worry or question. Never left my son again over there. 3. Whenever my kids are around these kids, they always pick up bad sassiness. Her daughter will talk to me this way as well. She's rude and devilishly precocious. 4. All around, herself and her children make me feel uncomfortable.
Most the time I feel she sees in me an opportunity to rely upon for her kids and their entertainment, because mine are the same age and same sex. She does offer to have my kids come over but I know she is not watching them. So, I always used to take them and have them at my house. So I could supervise!
I believe she is using them to occupy her kids so that she can do what she needs to do while at home.
The problem: How do I tell this woman all of this above? I don't think it's right to "talk about" another ones kids or to say anything directly to the mother; how bad and awful they are. Unless of course it was seriously dangerous behavior, etc. But, my reasons are I just don't like them or have any interest in getting together or being friends.
Then there is my daughter who likes the daughter. My son, he could care less about the boy. He finally realized it wasn't fun to play with the boy because of how he played.
So, just recently, she cornered me and wanted to know what was up. And, she threw in there, that she noticed how I have play dates with other mothers in her neighborhood but I keep cancelling on her. I buckled. I didn't know what to say. I was so caught off guard. So, I am left with her invite to have my daughter come over for a morning play date. I need to handle this and just have it over with. But, I don't know how to approach this. In these cases, I have no spine. I don't want to hurt another ones feelings. I know. Just grow up and be an adult but I don't know what to say to her. Please help? :)
Thank you so much everyone. Great responses. Oh and I forgot to mention the invitation for a play date tomorrow, was because I was being pressured that moment while talking to have one that same afternoon so, I offered the next day to have the daughter come to our pool. 3 minutes later she says oh, we can't do that but how about your daughter comes over in the morning. I have a neighborhood babysitter coming then, so they will be watched.
So, to Sue H. I'm not sure if you actually read through my question. More encounters with the daughter have left me feeling uneasy because of her rude attitude to me as an adult and a parent. Not what I want my daughter to pick up on. I feel terrible that I may be the one deciding for my daughter that this isn't the friend for her; while I still can. Yes, she will still see her in school and my daughter has a lot of other sweet and caring friends. And, sorry to keep directing towards you but I just want my case to be clear. Entertaining anothers kids is fine, if the parents are available. She leaves them all to their own accord because she is teaching in another room and doesn't want to be disturbed. That doesn't make me feel safe leaving them there. Again, to occupy her kids from bugging her while she works. I'm not "dissing" or "dumping" on a friend or neighbor. I was concerned about hurting her feelings. And, yes, maybe I would lead her on by saying yes and then cancelling. It was easier for me to do so. But, I don't think that's rude. What is rude is not putting another in an awkward position to say yes or no right there. This mother is out for herself and is avid about getting things lined up for her kids.
So, I will let you all know with an update how I tend to grow a spine in spite of feelings. It's all about my kids anyway and their well being.
I would not have it out with her. You will feel worse and she will get mad.
It is irrelevant what you and other mothers do. You could always tell her you have a lot of friends and family and you have to cut back in order to have time to see them. A woman told me that and even though I later found out it was a total lie, I felt better than hearing all the things she disapproved of about me and my parenting.
Don't worry about being blunt with her. SHE confronted you about having more playdates with other families than with hers (there is something oddly junior highish that she would even make that comment) SHE is the one who put you on the spot, so tell her the truth. "My son doesn't enjoy the rough-housing type of play that your son likes. We're feeling like they may not be the best matched playmates right now. Maybe that will change when they get a little older. My daughter does enjoy playing with your daughter, but she is old enough to make her own decisions about how often she plays with which friends. And she does have a lot of other friends in the neighborhood. I'm sorry I don't have play dates as a tit for tat babysitting exchange, it's about who my kids seek out to spend time with. Maybe you should open your kids circle up a bit if we aren't on the same page." What's the worst that can happen? She gets mad at you? Oh well. She pretty much told you she wanted to be told the truth rather than "just take a hint" so don't be shy about telling her kindly. It may be uncomfortable, but it's more honorable than making excuses and canceling just for avoidance.
Wow! She cornered you demanding you tell her what you have been up to and why you are playing with other families!? That is crazy to me.
You don't owe this woman any explanation. Her behavior, her kids' behavior, and how she allows her children to behave are all indicative of her outlook on things. You don't owe her any excuse. She doesn't dictate your life! Just tell her your schedule is not conducive to play dates with her. Leave it at that.
Since you say you have no "spine", your best bet is to avoid. I would recommend you stand firm in your avoidance, however, or it will continue to backfire. She will eventually get the hint. If she doesn't, it really is due time to tell her the truth, because at that point it would be getting a little creepy.
Good luck!
Can't you just do the standard "Been crazy busy...maybe next month when xyz is over..." thing?
Seriously, it either that or you're going to have to say something that's going to hurt her feelings. And it sounds like she's already getting the hint.
Bottom line: if you are uncomfortable sending your kids to her house don't. If you're OK with sending your daughter over AND your daughter wants to go, just set start & end times & go pick her up when it's *over*. As for your son, clearly he is not interested in spending any more time with her son, so I wouldn't have him over. It's still OK to call & say that Sally would like Jane to come over to your house, etc.
Tell her that your kids prefer to play with "so and so" and you are leading your kids to make choices of their own and encouraging them to choose who they play with.
Maybe try "The last time my child played with yours she came home and acted very sassy towards me (which we don't allow). So I warned her that if she acts sassy again then her play dates with your child will be on hold for a while."
Or (a lie) to get her thinking about her children's behavior:
"I told my child about the play date and she didn't seem too excited. I am not sure why but will try to speak with her some more to understand what is going on. But do you have any ideas on why my child would not want to have a play date with yours??"
I cant wait to read what other mamas post as I have been in the same situation!! uuuggghhhh!!
I don't blame you for asking for advice on this...it's a tough one! I think honestly, you just need to say that your children are learning some undesirable behaviors when they are around her children. Apologize up front, telling her that you know that this is going to hurt her feelings but that she has put you on the spot one too many times so you are just going to have to tell it like it is. Also tell her that you are uncomfortable with the children being left unsupervised for any length of time and that you simply have different parenting styles so you don't want to plan any future play dates. Then apologize again and tell her you are not judging her, you are just not a good fit as friends. Then say goodbye & hang up the phone :)
Good luck!
I'm guilty of being super busy. "Oh, yeah we need to get the girls together, but later, when things calm down a bit. It's just been so hectic!"
Or blaming it on my child. "Zaya goes through his stages. Right now little Johhnie is his bestest friend in the whole world and the only person he wants to play with. I'm overbooked on playdates but they're all with johhnie, sorry, you know how funny kids can be" Just don't do that one while your child is standing there or they will correct you! "No, I don't mommy" :)
I hate these kids of situations. I am like you... I don't like conflict and I never know what to say. But in the case of my kids, I usually find a way to overcome my uncomfortableness and say something.
I would be inclined to say that you really feel as though your parenting style and hers don't match and you'd rather not have the kids play together anymore. If you don't want to say more than that and she pushes, I would just say.... I'd really rather not go into all the details, Jane... you're a nice person and I don't want this to cause a problem, I just feel that it's better for us (me and my kids) if we don't have play dates anymore.
I would also write a script for yourself and do it over the phone. When I have to talk face to face with people for tough conversations like this I get self conscious and tongue tied and I forget what I wanted to say. If I write it down and talk via phone, it's much easier for me to keep my focus and intention clear.
Good luck!!
Tough question! I would probably just keep making excuses until she gets the hint. I feel the same as you, I would feel so awkward to say something! I am so curious what other moms will say on this...I had a similar situation but not so bad, with a mom whose kids were too rough for my kids and I just avoided her and declined a couple of invitations until it whittled away. But she was not super close to me, and did not keep pushing so that was a little easier.
Do you make plans and then cancel? It sounded like it from the recent conversation but I don't know if that is her words or what happens If so I can see plans changing due to schedules, illness etc., but if you are doing regularly to be nonconfrontational, that is rude in my opinion. That's not to say I don't understand but you need to say no in the first place. If she pushes you for a reason you can ask why she needs a reason. Or you could let her know that while your daughter gets along with hers, your son has other friends which makes scheduling hard. Kids get to a point where parents can't really chose their friends. If your daughter goes to the same school as this girl you won't be able to control their time there. My daughter is about the same age and I talk a lot about how other people act and that necessarily means we act the same way.
Go to the playdate and don't mention it. The next time she calls, just tell her that the playdates aren't working out for you right now and you are spread so thin being busy with everything and other kids your children want to also play with, you are having to spend your time elsewhere. Tell you you will call if you need anything, but then say it probably won't be for a while. If she harasses you or corners you or keeps quizzing you, just tell her upfront she is making you uncomfortable and that is one of the reasons you are distancing yourself. I had to do that once, it was awkward, but worth it.
You can tell her "the other day you asked me what was up, and you took me off guard. but I'm wondering, do you really want to know?". She might give a hearty "yes" and to that you should reply "I'm not sure you might like what I have to say so I'm hesitant in telling you". See how she is after that. If you can tell she takes it down a few levels, then I'd tell her one or two things that are bothering you.
It might help if you write things down a then read from the paper. It might seem impersonal but it will get the point across and you won't have to be looking at her the whole time.
gl
I think you can be kind, firm and honest all in the same way without offending her. You can tell her that you loved the kids coming over and having playdates before but they are growing up now and are into other things and have outgrown the friendship. Wish her well and tell her it isn't going to work out to have any more playdates. When she asks why---you say....My kids are interested in other things and don't have much in common with yours anymore. We are moving on...GL and hope this helps.
M
You sound like a nice person. I understand you dont want to intentionally hurt this woman feelings. Good for you. I would tell her the next time the subject comes up. Practice what your going to say dont cower down. Look her straight in the eyes when you have this unfortunate situation. Try to have someone there with you for back up since she sounds like a confrontation person. Its her problem dont make her lack of social skills become yours. I am not good at these type of situation either. However this is the type of person I try to stay away from. Tell her point blank that you dont have much in common and your busy. You dont have to go into more detail you dont owe her anything. I would be polite. Dont say it more then once. Dont look down have eye contact the whole time. Dont apolize, dont repeat yourself. Good luck. Let us know the outcome.
I understand where you are coming from. You can either have a spine and get it over with, or not have a spine and deal with the discomfort. I don't mean that to sound rude, just how it is (using the word spine because you did). She did ask you what was up and pointed out how you have play dates with others and cancel on her. That is the perfect starting point to get your issues across to her. Get your issues organized in your mind and what you want to say about each one. It helps to write things down and sort of rehearse before you actually talk to her. Personally I would rather do that than live on and on with the awkwardness.
