How Do I Say No

My daughter has a similar friend. I suggest you invite the little boy over and let them play in your house. My daughter's friend is from a broken and terribly messed up home, but when he plays with her he is polite and respectful. Give him a chance to learn the rules of your house. Tell him "we don't use bad language here because it is disrespectful, and if you want to play here you won't use it either." Give him clear boundaries and let him know what the rules are and what the consequences are for breaking them. If he deliberately breaks your rules, send him home and let him know he can come back when he can be respectful. You don't have to let your kid play at his house! But you might be suprised how responsive kids from chaotic environments will be when they have clear boundaries and straightforward consistent discipline.

Can't hide from her forever, but you can be "busy" if and when she asks to come over. Also, if you would decide to let the boys play together, set up some gorund rules for your home and stick to them. If this little boy should swear or be disrespectful in anyway, tell him that he can no longer come over and play with your son until he follows the rules of your household. That way you're not jugding him directly and it also allows for your son to see the consequences of when rules get broken

LIke nike says Just do it! There is no reason for your child to be exposed to this kind of behavior. He also doesn't seem all that concerend with playing with the child. If the stepmom comes around looking for a play date make something else up to do right now. OR just tell your son that this child is naughty and you don't trust his parents and you would prefer if they didn't play. Remember, you are the final word no matter what.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

This might sound harsh, but... Do not say yes to those people if they invite you for a play date. If you run into them at the park again, invent an errand that you have to go on in a few minutes and leave. When you see them, head in the other directions. Be polite to them - you certainly don't want to have any confrontation with them. Don't discuss it with your son, he is too young to understand anyway - just change the subject or say something vague about those people like, maybe sometime we will play with them ...

Find another Mom whose attitude is similar to yours through your son's preschool and invite her and her child over for a play date. if not at school, join a MOPS group or MOMS Club, or enroll your son at the YMCA where he will meet other children his age. Our local library has a free story time where there are lots of Moms and children. Surely from all the Moms and kids you will run into at these places, you will find one or two that can become play mates.

I belong to the MOMS Club, they also make you two weeks of meals when you deliver your new baby!! BONUS!

I agree with Terri. You can't pick your children's friends forever so since he is so young, I would exercise my right to choose his friends as much I could. You have the right to not let him associate with children who do not have the same rules or values as you do. It is a tough part of life for your son but he is better off in the long run.
My son's are now in school all day and I can't beleive the things they learn from other children! They know where we stand on certain issues and are able to clearly (with our help) discern between what is right and what is wrong. Keep up the good work of drilling into your child the values that you and your husband have agreed upon.

J., I really, really feel for you...here you are trying to bring up your child to be polite, respectful and decent and there is the exact behavior you are trying to not expose your family to, living across the street. I totally agree with some of the posts that suggest playdates at your house with your rules, but that doesn't speak to the fact that doing so further exposes you and your son to the horrible life choices those adults have made (using foul language, allowing disrespectful behavior, lack of ambition and general irresponsibility).

I also agree and learned the hard way that you should never say anything to your child about another child that you don't want to say publicly. My daughter was kind enough to tell her friend, who also lived across the street, something negative that I had said! It made living in that neighborhood for the next 4 years pretty miserable.

Instead of making up "busy" excuses, that could possibly end up blowing up in your face, consider killing 2 birds with one stone and really being busy by signing your son up for a bunch of interesting classes that would expose him to kids more like him and you to parents more like you in a nice, neutral environment. Then you can take your time and learn more about their values before jumping into playdates or frienships, and if you don't like someone then, you only have to see them once a week while your son is occupied with the class. Also, take your son to a park farther from your home. And invite other friends over to your house, even if it means you have to drive to get them, and have a 1-friend-over-at-a-time rule. It's going to be tricky, but like someone else said, they'll hopefully get the picture, or at least stop trying. And you shouldn't have to do this for long since your son will be going into Kindergarten soon enough.

Unfortunately, in my experience this will come up again and again in your lives...it's the price of having high standards and morals. Don't ever feel bad about that. Expose your son ONLY to those people/behaviors of which you approve.

Hi J.,
I can tell you what people do in my neighborhood. They only allow kids to come to their house. My two boys are polite and have very good manners and yet no will let their kids come to our house. I am not from around here, so I am not accustom to the oveall attitude here, but I am trying to understand. Anyway, I suppose it is good in case you run across situation like this. If the Step momther asks for a play date, then have it at your house, where your rules apply and you can keep an eye on them. Also, if he doesn't listen to you either, then you have a reason for not allowing it anymore. You can say to the little boys in front of the mom, what behavior you expect and what consequences there will be. That way the boy knows what you expect and the so will the mother. I would just avoid it as often as possible though. People do get the hint. Good luck

Wow! that's gotta be a really difficult situation. I would probably not straight out tell the mother you don't want your child to play with hers. Just go about your business and try to avoid them, but if you do find yourself in a situation that you feel you can not get out of don't freak. let your little one play with him but try to explain what it is later on that he was doing wrong. It might give him some insight into what he shouldn't be like. If it escalates to a point where you can't avoid them or his behavior is really rubbing off on your son then i would resort to telling the mother that it is just not OK with you. Best of luck, i hope this works for you and congrats on your pregnancy.

You don't. You should never lable a child "bad" to another child. It is a tough situation and one that everyone finds themselves in at some point or another. If the child wants to come over to see your son and play with him you should do a couple of things. 1. Explain to the child that if he wants to come over and play he has to follow the rules of your home. If he doesn't he goes home. Also tell that to the "mom". 2. Explain the same to your son. Your rules are to be followed always...no excpetions and if his new friend can't follow the rules he will go home and will not be able to return until he can follow the rules. You might be surprsied at what happens. Just because you don't know or like the child's family he might just be a great kid looking for structure and good people to be around. You never know how much you can influance a child or their family just by being honest and being yourself. Stand up for your beliefs, and be the better person. In the long run...everyone will learn important lessons...

I tell ya, this is a hard situation. Mainly because you will forever run across people different from yourself and your family. Its just how the world is and it will not stop here. I think avoidence is an easy way out which may be what you need right now dealing w/ the pregnancey and the busy day to day life you probably have. The thing is, do you want to tick this person off and have them think you are rude? even tough im sure they are the one w/ rude tendencies. I would over all not persicute the little boy for his families short comings and include him in any activiies at your home but shy away from his. Good luck to you.

Perhaps you could involve your son in some sort of activity where he can meet other kids his age and potentially make new friends. Maybe if he has other friends to play with he'll forget about the bad neighbor kid. Yikes. Good luck to you!

Hi Jenifer,
You are your son's Mom and if you don't want this kid playing with you son just say no. If this lady tries to set up play dates be nice but tell her your reasons why you would rather them not play. Don't beat around the bush. You do what's best for your son and that is it. I may sound mean but I would rather be mean than have my son start acting the way that little boy has acted. If she is a good step-Mom she will understand and make some changes. If that happens then you can try a play date down the road and if nothing has changed stop the play dates again. Good Luck. I'm sure you will do what is right for your son.
T.

I would try avoidance. Don't mention the other child to your son. If he brings him up, tell him he is busy or you have something else to do. If the stepmom attempts to set something up, have something else to do. Even if it means that you suddenly have plans to throw a blanket on the floor, make a big tub of popcorn and watch a movie just you and your son. Just tell them you have plans or special plans.

Also, see if there are any organizations like the MOMS Club in your area that would allow you to participate in things such as playgroups and field trips with other Moms and their kids who are around the same age as your son. If your son has other friends to play with, he might not care what the kid across the street is doing and if he wants to play. Of course, you have to resign yourself to the fact that you live across the street from this child and on occasion you may find that you and your son are in the same location as the child and one of his adults. On these occasions, don't point it out to your son. He may decide for his own reasons that he doesn't wish to associate with the other child.

Good luck.

Hi, what a difficult situation you are in, since you are neighbors with this family. However, I can't help but to feel so bad for that kid who has not met any boundaries for what you tell us. I wonder if there is any way that you could help or give hints to the step mother in terms of what she could do to modify the little boy's attitude?
this is really a tough one. But if you are set to keep your son away, I'd keep him busy, at home as well as with playdates so that he has someone to play with.
good luck,
M.

I just read Mel's response and that makes such good sense! (I'm taking notes too just in case I should come to be in this situation)