16 answers

How Do I Tell My Daughter I'm Getting Married?

I'm a single mom. My 4 and a half y.o. daughter never met her biological father and he has no interest in ever having a relationship with her. I very recently met and fell in love with a wonderful man, he wants very much to become a family. We decided to get married next April. I'm trying to gather advice on how to help my daughter understand and deal with these life changes. He and I haven't been together long at all (less than 3 months) so its all kind of sudden. I don't want her to feel like her whole world is being turned upside down. I have been taking plenty of time to let her know that no matter what I love her and will always love her. He is going to be moving in May 1st. She's met him and spent time and adores him. He plans on adopting her and being her dad as time progresses and that relationship becomes more natural. Just need some ideas.

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So What Happened?™

Well, I certainly understand not everyone can understand and support different decisions. I did ask not for reassurance or in light of second thoughts but just for some ideas to build on my gut feeling of knowing when the right time to bring things up is. She actually has been showing me when she wants to talk about things. I believe in short, simple, honesty for her. I will say that we all have the complete, enthusiastic support of all family. Thanks for your honesty, words of caution, concern and support.

More Answers

Sorry, I wouldn't do it. At the very least, pass on the move in situation. I do not see how you can bring in a man who is a virtual stranger into your home with your daughter. You are a Mother with a responsibility to protect your little girl. At the very least, date seriously so this is not such the surprise for your daughter. You are both grown adults, no need to hurry for a wedding date. Lily, I am sorry. Please reconsider. I am sure you are a great Mom and I believe you thin you are in love with a great guy. Please, for the success of all relationships involved, WAIT! Good Luck!

2 moms found this helpful

Lily-

Way to fast way to soon! What's the rush? My child would be my first concern- I really find it hard to imagine that after 3 months you know everything about this man. I still learn things about my husband for gods sake! If you two truly love each other than time should be your friend. I also think by you asking for advice on this subject that something must not be sitting right with you- Best of luck to you. I really do wish you well.

1 mom found this helpful

WAIT!

If your new hubby-to-be is moving in already on May 1st, the best thing that you can do is to wait and let her adjust to that. If you tell her about your marriage plans, she will feel like it's all coming at her so fast and she won't have a chance to adjust or even get to like the situation. She may even resent you for making so many quick decisions...which even you have admitted to.

My best advice is to let her get use to you guys being "a family" and let her see how good it can be and then, when the time is right, ask HER if she would like things to be more permanent. If she says no at that point, you can either try to "show" her why it's a good idea or you can heed her warning that she might be seeing something that you aren't. Your plans for marrying next April give you enough time to do it right. So, I implore you...give her a chance to adjust before springing it on her.

Best wishes.
N.

1 mom found this helpful

This has the makings of a Lifetime movie feature. Please please please do not move in with this man so quickly. It sounds like it's a move of either financial help or convenience (as in, maybe his rental contract is up?). It is so far from what you need to do for your daughter. I do not know you so do not know if your making a snap judgment, but i do suggest you wait until you've known him at least 6 months. Do you know his family? How he treats other women (waitresses, his mother, sisters, co-workers), his past, his friends? It's not that every single event like this turns into the Lifetime movie, but more often than not. It happened to my sister and she ended up spending 13 months trying to keep her temporary restraining order in force because he started beating her. I guess my coming from a family of chicago cops doesn't help me to trust men any better, having heard the worst stories about the women who trust too much and allow these men into their lives only to seriously regret it later. Sorry, I really am, for this advice, I am sure you do not want to hear it, but maybe get to know him for 6 months (more like 9 months to a year), which is usually when the honeymoon phase ends and real life starts making it's way back into the relationship. Good luck to you hon. In the end, it's your decision and you sound like you know what you are doing when it comes to the welfare of your daughter. :)

1 mom found this helpful

Hi Lily!
My name is K. and as to the previous advice..you're a grown woman you know what and when love is there. Me personally... my husband and I didn't get married till last year. After being together for almost four. BUT.. when we first started dating everything went really fast. We were together for only two months and I found out I was pregnant with my first child (6 wks. pregnant to be exact) It was really scary for me cause I was just starting to change my life by dating men. Well happy to say we have two beautiful boys and are living our lives together and I don't see him going anywhere. If you feel in your heart this is the right thing to do then your daughter will see it also. All you can do is be her mommy and let her know that nothing between you two will change. And she will now have the daddy that she has been deprived of ( I can relate with her on that) Wish you all the best!

I agree with the others, however, you take my advice with a grain of salt. The main person in your life may be your new fiance, but to your daughter, you are all she has. 3 months of courtship seems a bit hasty to start talking of 'moving in.' What if something goes wrong? Your little girl will become even more confused. Children thrive on stability and little changes. Instead, plan events and get-togethers with your fiance where your daughter can continue to get to know him as a future step-dad. By the wedding date then, they will both have created a bond together. Things just seem to be going really fast and I think you need to slow down, that is all. Put yourself in her little shoes.

L., I was wondering if your marrage was successful and blessed?

I have to agree with the others. Why do you have to move him in so soon? I can't see a reason. Let him come around a little more, take it slow, esp. with a little girl's heart. I'm sure she likes him a lot already but even more time will make her relationship even stronger.

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