How Can I Be More Assertive with My Daycare Lady?

We had a situation like this. To be fair, my son can be a handful, but we'd been with the daycare for 2 years before encountering this teacher and she was the first who did not have an effective way to deal with him. Sadly there are some teachers out there who aren't prepared to deal with children who test their boundaries.
I tried being assertive but she just got nastier and nastier to us. Ultimately I solved the problem by going to the director, telling her there was a personality conflict, and asking to be moved to a different classroom.

If she had said that to me, I would have told her that I didn't appreciate that comment, and that when she sat down that night and thought things through, that she needed to remember that her job is to take care of children - not to brow-beat their parents.

And I would have walked out the door and gotten into my car with no more discussion.

Regardless of whether she gives you an apology, I would find another situation for your child. If she is talking to you like this, she is SURELY talking ugly to your child and most likely CAUSING some of the trouble that your daughter is giving her. I simply would not wait until you have another job.

Wow . . . if she says that to your face what does she do/say behind your back?

My kid would be out of there ASAP, job change or no.

JMO.

It is YOUR JOB to lovingly reconnect with your child at the end of each separation. It is the day care lady's job to set up appropriate routines and expectations for your daughter's day at her house, and handle problems effectively. Every time the day care provider says "you daughter did ....." You immediately ask, in a kind, curious tone "and how did you handle that?" Every single time! Make sure your voice is curious, not judgmental. Occasionally ask "Oh dear, did you try_____or ____ to prevent ______ ?" (For instance giving a warning to deal with transition problems) It is her job to effectively handle toddler and preschool behaviors. If she has a great answer for all your questions then she is a great daycare provider and you need to work with her and schedule a meeting to listen to her advise. If her answers just show her frustration with your daughter's behavior, or inappropriate expectations, and do not show strategies and behavior management techniques then you need to find another place for your daughter ASAP. Most three year olds with adequate supervision and patience can be redirected and manuvered into behaving appropriately!

Consider asking for a meeting to discuss your child's behavior and for you to decide if this is something than can be fixed or not. Friend had very limited options and was frustrated that the daycare lady would make snide comments on her parenting. Mom finally got very upset and asked that if the daycare lady had something to say to her, that she say it to her directly and that Mom would be willing to take a meeting to discuss any concerns the daycare lady had, but she was tired of the drive by pickup/drop off comments in front of other parents. Things got better.

YOU are her employer and YOU are your child's mom. You might learn a thing or two from the daycare lady, but she is not the only expert on YOUR child. Stand up for your child. You can ask "Is this something we need to discuss further/in private?" You can also tell her, "I understand you had a bad day. If there is an issue with my child, I'm willing to address it with you. However, I do not feel that a comment not to "coddle" my child is productive."

If it cannot be resolved, try another caregiver. Friends were told their daughter was horrible (while she was undergoing treatment for sleep apnea, which affected her behavior) and were actually asked to leave the center. New center worked with them, knowing that the child was going to have surgery and all is well. Sometimes a provider no longer fits a child and a change is necessary.

Anyone who thinks a child who has had a bad day does not deserve a hug is not someone to be watching children. Day care is a very difficult job and all people do not have the disposition and patience for it.

What should you do? Find another child care situation right now! this is your child, so don't wait until it is convenient, change care givers right away. I would not trust her with my child.

please change you daycare asap. i have been there..not happy with daycare and although switching was a hard decision, it was the best move we ever made! you need to be feel 100% confident with whoever you leave your child with...they are our babes!! good luck!

As a childcare provider myself, I would suggest that you meet with her without your kiddos around. Call her and set up an appointment for when she is without kids. She is busy during the day and trying to meet with her while she is watching kids is unfair to everyone.

She sounds very frazzled and may not realize that she is so frustrated with your child. She may just have decided that your child is the problem and then perpetuates the issue with her prejudice.

Honestly it happens to all of us. It is easier to blame someone else than to face our own issues. I had an adorable little boy in my care and he thrived here for months and then things got hard. I started to be frustrated more easily with him than the other kids. So I sat down and accessed why. I finally realized it was because I did not have a good working relationship with his mother. I felt that she was constantly taking advantage of me and my feelings were spilling over to the child.

The good news is that most of the time this situation is easy to correct once someone points it out. So I would suggest that you meet with her and talk things out. If you cannot find a happy solution or if she continues to blame your child, then it is time to move on.

Good luck

coming from the other end, as an inhome provider, this is a no-win situation.

Your provider has stories to tell, complaints to share, & feels it's part of her job & duty.

You want "happy", & anticipate reconnecting with your daughter. It's part of being Mom.

Yes, she was rude. Yes, she seems out-of-control. Unfortunately, she over-stepped her boundaries. It's up to you to make sure it never happens again.

The fact that this is an inhome daycare as no bearing. This is simply a disconnect between the provider & your child. If she doesn't share the issues with you, then how are you supposed to help? Childcare should be a partnership...a viable entity....between all involved.

Try a one-on-one meeting. Ask about discipline policies. Ask about specific examples of your child's behavior. Ask how the other children behave. Ask about the daily routine. Ask if your child is developmentally on the mark. .....all of these questions will direct you into a better understanding of the issues at hand! Good Luck!

We had this situation with my oldest. She was great when she was a baby, but once she started walking and getting more animated things like this started to happen.

My daughter was always so sweet and good natured it always caught me off guard. When she started saying that we coddled her too much and she needed to be more independent. She was 15 months old for goodness sake. After 2 months of this, I started looking for a new day care and we ended up moving her to a center where she just blossomed and all we heard was what a sweet and good natured child that I knew she was.

Now today she is not so sweet and good natured with her, 8 year old attitude that she can do anything she wants, but that is a another bag of worms.

First of all, when taken aback, don't feel you have to say something right then and there. You don't have to say anything. You can think about it a minute, then say...... hmmmm, Not sure how I feel about that. I'll think about it. Then you can decide whether to bring it up later or not.

I'm not much on telling a child they are "naughty." I'd say, "I didn't like what she did today."

Right now you are on a short timers attitude with that daycare. I'd suggest getting your daughter out as soon as possible because my bet is that this situation is going annoy you til you do. I'm not sure a big confrontation would be worth it.

Now if it is bothering you then go talk to the lady about it in a friendly way. Ask her what she meant by coddling and listen to see if she has anything of value. Then let her know how YOU feel. It's not too late to assert yourself.

I am a daycare provider and while the actions of my clients sometimes irritate me I certainly would never say anything like that to them.

You are right, there is not much you can do about the way your child is acting while at the daycare. You could tell her that she needs to do what she is told etc. but while she is in the care of the provider it is the providers job to keep her in line. I would and have told my clients that "we've had a rough day". Parents need to know what is going on while they are away.

I think I would have said something like "I'm sorry my parenting skills are not up to your superior standards". (Very sarcasticly of course.)

I'm glad to hear that you plan to move your daughter. I think your provider has done some real damage to your professional relationship.

M

Perhaps it's time to find another in-home daycare facility. But not because you're ticked off.

If you're usually friends enough with this woman, perhaps you will be able to say, "Wow, I was really surprised the other day. Do you really think I'm a rotten mother, or were you having a rotten day?" Pay attention to how she responds - her looks and her attitude as well as her words. If she actually thinks you or your daughter are rotten, or her emotions are running too high as she answers, you have a clear indication what to do.

I agree that any move should be well thought out. But sometimes a move can't wait for you to get all your ducks in a row.

I'm all for treating employees like real human beings, because they are! However, if you have a voice in your head saying, "You can't afford anybody else, so you'd better be nice to this lady or you'll be up the creek without a paddle," then you're afraid of being assertive.

I am a home provider of 15 years (a nanny for a family for 8 previous to this and 2 years right out of high school in a health club child center FT). Thats 25 years and the only FT jobs I have ever had. Plus I am a Mommy too.

I would, and have never, said anything like that to a parent. There are much more constructive ways to work with parents and get a point across without belittling someones parent skills or them personally! Gee whiz!

Parents have been away from their little monsters & munchkins for many many hours all day and all week. They do NOT want to hear you attacking their kid or their parenting when they walk in the door. They want a snuggle and reconnection. So does the child. No matter how horrible of a day I might have had with a child, or how mentally exhausted I am from working thru things with them, it will never be the first thing out of my mouth.

It sounds to me like this gal is just not up to the task? I dunno...just totally out of the realm of what I would ever do, no matter how big of a doozy the day was with a child! And this week has been a doozy for me!

Best wishes with this!

Don't worry about it. Just continue to parent and do things as you see fit.

If you need to say something, try, "I'm sorry you feel that way." or, "I'm sorry you had such a hard time handling my preschooler."

It might put things into perspective for you...and it also reminds her that she is your employee, not your boss.

Honestly, this would upset me too and I am also the type of person who has a hard time thinking of the "right thing to say" when put on the spot.

I would encourage you to find another care environment. If this caregiver is talking to YOU like this, imagine how she is talking to your child when you are not there...

I have worked with children for years - kindergarten teacher and day care experience and I can not imagine laying into a parent like this caregiver sounds - and I have had children hit me, and REALLY be sassy. I have been told I have the patience of a saint, but I know that is not a quality every early childhood professional possesses (unfortunately!!).

There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with greeting your child with a smile, hug, pickup, etc. That is NOT coddling. Once you have greeted your child, if you hear she has had a rough day, then I would use a firmer voice with the child, but like you said, you can't do anything about it after the fact. That was always my motto with my students if they had a bad day - I reassured parents that it was taken care of and consequences were given during class, etc.

I would be blunt with the lady and if she says something about coddling again, I would simply state, "Excuse me - I just got done working a long hard day. I would like to greet my child with a hug and a kiss because I have really missed her today. I am going to love my child even on her sassy days. Clearly you have had a long, trying day as well, but I would appreciate not being attacked with statements regarding how "bad" her day was the instant I walk in the door!"

Don't be afraid to stand up for your child AND YOURSELF! If this care situation is not working - GET OUT OF THERE!!! :-) Good luck!!
PS...just because she is the provider, doesn't mean she necessarily knows more about how to handle kids...what are her credentials? Experience is good, but good providers also are educated...and child care is a TOUGH job with a LOT of burned out caregivers...and a burned out caregiver is NOT what is best for children. :-)

I believe that no one knows how to handle their kids better than their mama! I'm sure you are doing a great job with instilling good values, its hard to control a little person and what they do especially when they are still learning themselves. There is also a thing called professionalism and she needs to learn it. Good or bad she is getting paid your hard earned money to watch and take care of your child and thank god you are moving hopefully you will find daycare more suited to your liking and all kids have good and bad days ask her if she has any kids because if she doesnt then she has no business running a daycare. GOOD LUCK!!

Yikes! It is one thing for a caregiver to let you know about the misbehavior but to tell you how to interact with your child in her presence is stepping way over bounds! In her defense she obviously was having a bad day herself but it still needs to be addressed. You need to let her know that while you appreciate being informed about your daughter's behavior, it is to be left at that and her telling you "not to coddle" in her presence was inappropriate. Hopefully she will apologize and you can let her know you had a talk with your daughter about how to better behave at daycare (3 is such a challenging age since they are asserting their independence and such!) If she doesn't acknowledge that she was wrong in the way she handled things then you may want to jump ahead to find another daycare sooner since by your post you implied this wasn't the first incident.

Wow. I have worked in daycare 12 years and Never have talked to a parent that way. It sounds like she is trying to control how you discipline your child. I would for sure move her in a more preschool setting soon. A good teacher talks to the parent in a loving way and offers suggestions in a positive way and not a way that belittles you as a parent. I highly recommend moving her soon, but make sure to interview the director and teachers...you will get a feel of it. i recommend a public daycare.

Woah. That's crazy style. Her telling her what she doesn't want your parenting style to be is bizarre. Sounds like she feels you don't discipline your daughter enough, and for some reason, thinks it's acceptable to say so. Doesn't everyone know that is taboo ESPECIALLY DAYCARE PROVIDERS?
Guess not.
Just proceed with plan to move your daughter.
Or crack back somehow like, "I know you don't approve of how I parent, but____" during a conversation or something. Or leave it be. You can't really change her personality.

You may want to give her whiplash by killing her with kindness and saying in a kind, sincere way, "Any tips for me on how I can help my daughter get up to speed with the other kids' behavior?" And be man enough to take it. She may be moved by your desire to improve and she may even have some tips. But if you really don't want to change what you are doing and you want her to have LESS power, not more, I'd leave it alone.

Once I had a friend who was always like "What am I supposed to do when junior___? All I can do is______" and I could tell she didn't really want me to jump in and say, "well you could also_____"and I DIDN'T. Then one day out of the blue when I was busy "not saying anything" again, she point blank asked me what I would do if my kid did what hers was doing, so I told her. Not only what I WOULD do, but what I HAD DONE which is why my kid wasn't acting that way. Her eyes were as big as saucers, and she certainly didn't take my advice, but she also understood my perspective, and she stopped the "There's nothing else I can possibly do" routine :) My point is, the provider may know how to help, even if her style is annoying and out of line.

With out knowing more about your child's behavior it is hard for me to judge whether this lady is just overwhelmed in general, or if you child pushed her too far that day.

I'd move her asap. When the provider is clearly frazzled, stressed and unable to have a respectful conversation with you as an adult and as the mother (who is also her employer), who knows what she's like when you are not there? How is SHE contributing to the behavior? What is preceeding the behavior and what is she doing in response.

The bottom line is that you are the customer and the provider is providing a service to you. Your daughter is YOUR child, and you are allowed to treat your daughter as you wish. Personally, at the end of the day, I don't want a litany of all the things my daughter did wrong. If no one was hurt, nothing was broken and the place is still standing, then I may not need to know much about it. You pay the provider to provide care for your daughter on both the good days and the not so great days (or phases). At the end of a long workday away from your daugther, you have the right to greet her with a hug and the reassurance of your unconditional love. The provider expects you to refuse to nurture your daughter because she's pissed off at your kid? Maybe the reason she's having issues with your daughter is that she's withholding the nurturing and affection that your daughter needs. She's obviously showing her anger and frustration, which is very unsettling for kids and can spiral their behavior downwards vs correcting it. I'd have a lot of concerns about that situation.

I would not put my child through a change just yet. I would say that if she was in danger that I would move her regardless but since she is safe, just annoying her care giver, I would just hurry up and make the move.

She will be going through a lot of changes in the near future and she does not need to start that now and then in a few months change again, along with a move and all that goes with that.

As long as she is safe leave her there and make the moves as soon as you can.

You didn't say how long you had been with current daycare provider. We went through a similar thing - our daycare provider had to stop watching kids, so we found another option. Our (at the time) sweet 2 year old turned into a crying, rotten mess. There were some other things that I wasn't comfortable with at the new place, so we switched....and got our sweet little girl back! Turns out the kiddos weren't getting enough attention, outside time, etc. I would seriously consider looking elsewhere for care! Good Luck!

Like you, I consider myself assertive, but I am awful at quick responses, and probably would have had the same reaction as you at the moment. I would however, suggest getting back with her about it soon when you've had time to think through an appropriate response. "remember the other day when you made that comment... Could you be more specific about what behavior you think is the problem?". Also the word Coddle Means to treat with 'excessive' care, and holding one's child certainly does not qualify. Now if you picked up your child and smiled sweetly at her and asked her if she had a fun day when she knows she was bratty, that would be coddling. ;).