High Expectations, Big Disappointment

It's so hard to be patient, especially when you're young, and I feel that our culture often glorifies the "overnight success" story way too much. There of course is no such thing.

Maybe plant some seeds so that she can see how gentle care and time are required before they bear fruit or flower. Read her stories of people who have become successful because of their hard work. I'm sure every biography of an Olympic athlete will mention how hard they have to work, how long they have to practice, and how much time the entire process takes.

I'd maybe try to de-emphasize "winning" when it comes to her goals and switch the focus to learning. Like "Let's see if we can film five minutes without the camera shaking!" Take a break from entering competitions, because clearly she's focusing more on the results than on the process.

If she does seem to thrive on a competitive atmosphere, maybe try to get her in team sports, so she also learns cooperation and patience. It strikes me that so much of what she is into right now is focused on individual glory, and it's easy to quit when it's only yourself you have to worry about.

I always hate to advocate video games, but there are a lot that require you to reach certain levels before you reach the ultimate goal of whatever it is.

Good luck.

It takes 10,000 hours of practice to become a "professional" level at any skill...golf, dance, piano, etc etc etc.

So at two lessons a week at one hour a lesson that is 104 hours a year. That will take a little over 96 years to become professional level. That is why girls at 8, 9 and 10 years old who want to be professional dancers are in the studio a minimum of 6 hours a day...six to seven days a week and still practice at home. Same with gymnasts and ice skaters...pianists, violinists...name a talent 10,000 hours of lessons and practice.

It is tough to make it...you are doing the right things, not letting her quit...but she needs to really decide if she really wants to put in that much time and effort to that type of career.

She's still a child and doesn't understand the real world. It will get better and she will realize one day. It is hard seeing your little one broken-hearted and giving up. Let her dream... one day, one of her dreams will come true...

I have big feelings about this. I think her thinking is a product of valuing product or end result rather than valuing process. Its a is a result of wanting instant gratification rather than understanding that the merit is in the working towards. Ask ANY one who is at what appears to be the pinnacle of their profession, entertainment or otherwise. Are they happier now that they have what they have, or was/is it the journey? There is no such thing as an end point.

This is from our schools who give grades unstead of valuing learning, commericals that tell us will be happy if we have this, that and the other, celebrity culture...

I would step back and let your daughter want all of these things. Wanting is fantastic! And let her have her own journey of frustration.

Ask her why she wants what she wants. Ask her what would be great about it. Honor that we're great at somethings, not so great at others. Value her effort and help her define success!

You need to make sure she understands... to be really good at something takes at least 3 years of constant practicing, constant learning and constantly keeping up with whatever it is.

If she cannot learn patience and hard work - she will never get great at anything.

I was really entertained reading this! What a little lady you have there! You're doing all the right things but providing the opportunities, explaining, patience, and not letting her quit.

Over time, she will learn it takes more work. It sounds like she's a little too aware of the end product in pop culture. For instance, has anyone been nudging and oohing and awe-ing over these things with her? Do you guys make a big deal about famous people? I was sort of worried America's Got Talent type shows would send the wrong message to little kids (we did watch them a little) so I didn't go nutty over the contestants and said things like WOW! Do you know how much practice that took? My kids loved Prince Poppycock, so we would talk about how he came up with his ideas and worked hard to do what he does. I'm always sending the message about the "work" people do.

Somehow she knows it would be great to be famous. This could be osmosis from school and friends etc, but just keep stressing people's work, not their fame, in case anyone is making a big deal over celebs or something. My daughter has not made a connection that some people are famous with the fact that she has to practice her piano and violin every day. I keep it about her day to day work, not the end result-which to me is up to her to decide later. But she's only 5, so who knows how she'll be at 10. We just don't keep a lot of mainstream media imagery around. We actually haven't had cable since the prince Poppycock Season of America's got talent. :)

Also it sounds a little too easy for her to pursue whims if she will get rid of them that quickly. I'm guessing she didn't buy the camera, and now it's in the trash. Maybe if she works harder in the early stages of things, or does "less" things based on knowing the work in advance, that could help her focus on a process.

But she may just be an impatient type, which maturity and experience will deal with in time.

I would start by getting her some celebrity auto-biographies both show business and sports. Maybe if she reads how many times they tried and failed and tried and failed she may understand the amount of work it takes to make it. Olympic athletes often get up at 4 AM so they can practice and get their school work done, they have to maintain high grades and a standard of excellence to compete.

Read up on the actors who have made it. They study and train for years and go to auditions over and over just to get a one line walk on part or a commercial. They take roles that are horrible hoping to make a good impression on a new director or producer and be remembered as talented and reliable and hopefully get a part in their next production. Unknown actors often have to beat out ###-###-#### others to get a commercial, truly they are talented actors working on their big break.
And just because they don't get the part may have nothing to do with their talent. If the call is for a commercial for a new food item and the script calls for a family sitting down to dinner and every one else has been cast and they are all blond with light skin and your daughter is a brunette with olive skin, she won't get the part. She just wouldn't fit into the 'family' already cast.

Dreaming big is a wonderful attribute. Learning to take baby steps to that dream is the hard part.

Beyonce had to start at the bottom on Star Search with 5 other girls. 3 of those girls went on the join her in Destiny's Child. 2 did not. Now she is a solo artist. The others from Destiny's Child have talent of their own but are not the one name Diva that she is.

Bono from U2 just spent years and millions of dollars writing the Spiderman musical that has finally opened after many many rewrites and reworks, including rewriting some of the songs that Bono wrote.

Some of the best songwriters are not strong singers. Some of the most famous singers are not the best actors, and some don't dance at all.

Look at Project Runway. Those 20 designers are all good. They beat out thousands of other hopefuls. Yet each one has a strength and a weakness. Each week someone flops badly. Does that make them a complete failure as a designer? No. Does that mean that creating a dress out of recycables is not there niche? Probably.

I would say try to help her take her dreams and just have fun with them. What I mean is it seems all of her disappointment comes when she doesn't "win" or excel as she wants to. Try to de-emphasize the competitiveness of things and encourage her to sing, dance, etc etc just for fun. I don't have great ideas HOW to do this specifically but it sounds like a recurring theme in what you have written....good luck!

She sounds like a perfectionist - If I cant do it as well as I see on TV, etc. then I wont do it at all. It's a tough sell, but I have a feeling she's going to be miserable alot until she reframes her thinking. Teach her how to do something and excel at it for the love of the activity rather than being the best in the world. If she wants to qualify for the Olympics or be a Pro at something, then she'll need to apply herself fully to that task. Too many kids right now are "fame junkies". My son has a goal to post a video on YouTube and have it go viral like FRED . . . really.

My friend teaches at an alternative school at a tennis academy - The kids practice tennis 6 hours a day and they spend the rest of their time at the onsite school and doing homework.

I wish I knew. She sounds a lot like myself, my husband, and my almost 11 year old. Sometimes the work is so much more time consuming and costly in money or effort than the idea of success is worth to a person. It's easy to get an idea in the abstract. But the reality is almost always way harder than imagined.

It's just that sometimes a person simply has not found the area that they were born for. I have started many things and quit when it was too difficult for various reasons. But there's just one thing in my life....Well 2. I haven't quit my marriage and I haven't quit my daycare. Dealing with the financial end of running a daycare or confronting people that want to take advantage is not easy. Cleaning up vomit, changing well over 100,000 diapers in 25 years, wiping noses more times than a person could ever count is not exciting or especially rewarding. But I've been given a certain grace and ability to deal with it all. It may sound like it's hard when I talk about it on here and it can be. But I'm in my element. It works for me in a way that nothing else in my life ever has.

Try and be supportive and helpful and realize that she does NOT have to take every idea to completion. She hasn't found what God created her for yet.

IMO this is a normal part of growing up - I struggle with this with one of my 9YO twins who was all ready to send her handwritten pencil-drawn comic book to a publisher - it's hard as a parent to explain that a story or drawing that is really good for a 9YO, or even for a grown up, is still often not going to be up to the standards of a published work. At this age it's hard to understand just how rare it is for ANYONE to do art, music, or sports at a professional level and to realize that the 99% of other people who do this activity without being professional-caliber still think it's fun and worthwhile.

I wonder if it would be helpful for her to read some biographies of individuals in her fields of interest to give her a fuller understanding of how much effort and perseverance is involved in developing a skill? Your local library ought to have a good selection. Good luck!

Well, she is 10. She is still a little girl so I wouldn't worry too much.

I do believe each of us is born with certain traits, etc.. and sometimes we can "improve" but really can't change who we are. She is too young to chalk her up as an impatient person. She may learn patience, but it's probably not something you can really teach. Life experience will help.

If this is who she is then you I'd advise you to be careful about fighting against it too much. That just might make her feel like a failure. I think you are right to make her finish something she has started, but don't expect your little girl to be you. This is likely the biggest challenge for a parent..... accepting their child for who they are, and doing your best to embrace it.

To answer your question....... keep trying to help your daughter understand that if she wants something she can keep at it and try her best to be patient. I DO think it will get better. She only has the life experience of a 10 year old. Most people do their best learning through life experiences..... which include a lot of failures. But also, yes......just wait it out. I think it will most definitely get better...... especially if you are patient too.

(laughing) You just described ME.

And no, it wasn't just a "kid thing", it is built into my personality. I want to be perfect at everything, and when I'm not, I'll decide I'm a failure and give up. OR I won't even try because I'm scared of failure.

*sigh*. I gave up some great opportunities because of this thinking.

What is helping me, is to fall in love with the process. I'm trying to give up my heartbreaking attachment to the destination, and allow my expectations to be more flexible. This endeavor, in and of it's self, looks pretty messy some times. I'm not nearly perfect at it ;-) and I've been working on it for years.

Small example. My house will be a mess. I'll wait until I have three days to clean, paint, scrub, redecorate (and run myself ragged doing it) rather than just do a little each day. Compulsive much???

So now, I have to baby talk myself. "You can't clean, paint, and redecorate the WHOLE house today, but you can clean the kitchen. Why not start by JUST emptying the dishwasher." "You can't write a book (that will fly off the shelf) tonight, but you can get great pleasure from writing a small essay on your neurosis (ha ha ha).

I am learning to take pleasure and passion in the moment, rather in the final product (IF that even comes to fruition). I am learning that perfection is an archetype, and while I can stride towards it, I cannot reach it (probably ever). I CAN rejoice in learning and becoming more who I want to be.

Life ISN'T actually failure vs. success, it's how and what I can learn.

Dream big, Ephie, but don't get wrapped up in the results or another's standards. Live and connect in the moment, and bring my best self forward.

Good luck to you and yours!

You described me as well. I just hope I'm not that bad. No offense!!

It is built in, something I will never fully outgrow. Although, I am getting better. Except mine is a fear of new things and knowing I will fail, for the most part. I do tend to give up easily on stuff that I can do (if I put in enough effort) as well.

I grew up in 4-H. We did projects that focused on our interests and talents. If we won at the local fair, we'd move on to the State fair etc. (should be about time for your local fair, ours is next week). But it has to be something that she's not allowed to quit, she can do a different project next year if she chooses, but for this year, she needs to finish what she started.

As for her Needing to be a Pro at figure ice skating. Tell her she can take ice skating lessons (assuming you're willing to pay for them), but no competitions until she can pay her own way. Also, limit her American Idol shows and what not, immerse her in stuff her age.

Do you often make suggestions about where a certain interest might lead? I would be very careful about that, and maybe not talk so much about any of her interests anymore, but just listen. I could be wrong, but maybe you (or her dad, other adults she knows) are often extrapolating big future ideas off her interests? It's ok if an interest is just for the moment, and never extends to lessons and practice, and a career and success and medals.
For example, she gets the Flip--it's a fun toy, and you say "why don't you make a movie?" Big project! Just smile and wave at the camera a little more, instead of challenging her to big things.
I'm not saying you Are doing this, I can't tell, not really, from the little bit you wrote, just that it's a possibility, and it's something you could change, about yourself, since you can't change her.
I think this will pass, and that she sounds really passionate. Dabbling like this, instead of just committing to one thing, could help her keep looking till she finds a hobby that is really a great fit.