Did I Handle This Situation the Right Way?

All things considered, I think you handled it 100% correctly. I would have done the same! It sounds like she needed a reminder about taking this sport seriously if she wants to continue. Now, the important thing is to follow through. If you observe her goofing around again (or the coach tells you about it), then pull her from the meet as promised.

Does she miss her old gym/team?

Is there an Xcel team program?

Sounds like she is coming to the realization that she is not going to be 'the best' since little kids are passing her by in this sport. It is tough on her self esteem. She may have been used to hearing "Wow, I have never seen a 7 year old do X (some amazing trick)!" Now she is one of the older girls and might feel ordinary.

My daughter was a competitive gymnast so I understand how it works.
I don't really get it when parents get so emotional over their child's sport performances, but I've witnessed it many times.
I always let the coaches do their job and stayed out of it.
If she was behaving as poorly as you THINK she was then her coaches would have spoken to her about it. Our coaches were very tough and never would have put up with goofing around at that age.
The coaches also would NOT have appreciated a parent deciding to pull a gymnast from a meet. That's absurd! She's on a team and it's up to the coaches whether or not she's ready to compete, not her mother.
Yes, I know you pay for it, but part of what your paying for is the coach's experience and instruction. If you don't trust them to do their job then find another gym.
For what it's worth it sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on your daughter and for what? It's a hobby, that's all. An expensive one for sure but if you truly don't want to pay for it any more just say so and stop making your daughter feel bad about not having the maturity and commitment of an Olympic athlete.

The main purpose of extracurricular activities is for the kid to have fun. If the kid is enjoying it, regardless of how good s/he is at it, or whether s/he is winning at competitive events, let him/her keep doing it.
How "seriously" does she need to take it? She isn't training for the Olympics.

It sounds like she's losing interest in it.
At some point soon you both might think about exactly how long she wants to continue doing this.

"I also told her gymnastics is not cheap and the sacrifices I make as a parent for her so she can continue to do the sport she loves.".
While true - you kind of dumped a heap of guilt on her - and her 'love' of the sport might be over and now she does it out of a sense of not wanting to waste/disrespect your 'sacrifices' - and by itself - that's just not a healthy reason for her to continue.

It's perfectly ok to try something else.
It's not 'failing' or disrespectful to have another interest.
Swimming, dancing, taekwondo, etc - anything that keeps her moving and active is and should be fine - it doesn't even have to be anything that's competitive.

well, first off i commend you for recognizing that you handled this poorly. many many moms would have been here hoping for validation to keep harping on their child.
good for you.
it's unlikely that your daughter is going to be the next nadia comaneci, so yeah, you need to back off. when the extracurriculars start being about winning (usually disguised as 'doing well' or 'trying her hardest') it's time to find a new extracurricular.
yeah, of course we all want our kids to try hard and do their best all the time, but guess what? they're kids. your daughter is only 11 years old. she wants to have fun.
learning a sport is a big part of sports. having fun with friends is at least as important a part.
and your daughter already has an injury that might follow her through her life. gymnastics is famous for being brutal on growing bodies, and her you are encouraging her to ignore her pain signals and wreak further havoc.
if you're not okay with your daughter doing gymnastics for fun and goofing off from time to time as children do, you either need to pull her or have someone else take her.
you don't mention the coach saying anything. it's her job to keep the kids on task. let her do her job.
i'm betting you don't give 100% effort 100% of the time. let an 11 year old have some fun. if she's truly not committed, by all means pull her out, but it sounds as if your daughter wants to participate, has fun, and has some valid reasons for having an occasional off night.
i never think it's a great idea to hit our kids with 'the sacrifices i make so you can do xyz.' of course as parents we all do, but that's what we signed up for. it shouldn't be a guilt whip we use to beat them over the head.
let yourself off the hook for having a bad night, but think carefully about how you're going to proceed. don't permit yourself to become Monster Mom.
khairete
S.

ETA: Sorry - I forgot to add that you did a great job in showing her clips on her best work.

I have two boys - one in LaCrosse and Baseball and the other in Soccer. My daughter, who is now an adult, didn't go for travel sports.

WHY did you change gyms??

I know with my boys coaches for LAX and Soccer? If they aren't on the field training and playing? They don't get to play in the games. If they have time to goof off? They have time to train. And Training CAN BE FUN!!! And to top it off? Their coaches will NOT tolerate goofing off....

Is she REALLY hurt? Take her back to the doctor and get clearance. I know when kids lose their confidence because of injury? They need to go back one step to gain two.

Well, she is clearly not going to the Olympics, so what she should get out of a sport is fun and physical activity. The whole concept of a sport being so competitive at age 11 that it is stressful and not fun seems crazy to me. The idea that parents are pushing their kids and inducing guilt about how much it costs - crazy too. Plus she already has an injury - will this be a chronic problem for her?

It seems that you presented a recreational league as failure. It is not but the way you are phrasing it, there is no way your daughter can gracefully opt into that level of sport. I never even considered putting my son into a competitive football league. Those people are certifiable nuts. He plays in a recreational league. The coaches know that school and family come way before football. How many hours a week is your daughter doing gymnastics?

I don't think you did anything wrong. The fact that you feel badly tells me that you generally do a great job of keeping perspective and keeping your cool- you felt like you lashed out a bit. But you didn't say anything mean- you called her out, but it sounds like you wish you'd handled it differently. But for what it's worth, it sounds like it didn't scar her for life. :-)

My DD plays competitive softball, and I've seen the process you seem to be describing. It was all fun and easy-going when we were a rec team. Then we went competitive and suddenly the coaches and parents went crazy-serious (not saying this is you...). This is when we saw the kids who did not want to make this their whole life drop out. Then there were kids who really liked the team and the fun parts, but not really the work. One of two things happened- either they eventually got tired of getting in trouble by the coaches and dropped out, or parents pushed them really hard. The hardest thing to see is the kids who made softball their entire identity and life come to the point where they just couldn't compete or play at the next level. They were lost puppies for a while once they stopped playing. For older girls, it's even worse- they have no idea who they are without their sport.

I think you are doing just fine, and you seem to realize that gymnastics is not the be all and end all, so you're already in good shape. Your daughter seems to be at the time when she will need to choose to work hard to compete at this level, or realize that she loves the girls and team but not really the sport. And she's lucky that you seem like you'll be fine with this. My advice is to make sure that she is well-rounded and has other interests. If she steps up her game and commits to gymnastics- great. If she realizes she doesn't want to put in the work and you won't put in the money, she'll have somewhere else to land. I think if you just plant some seeds during this process of transition, she'll be just fine. It's not a failure to stop doing gymnastics, she maybe just outgrew it. Or maybe she'll surprise you and the coaches and really step it up!! Good luck!

We all have days when we screw up. Step one is acknowledging it and Step two is reaching out to other parents for a reality check.

Step 3 is to tell your daughter that you are sorry. You didn't handle it well and you apologize. Resist the urge to add (as we have all done), "It's just that you make me so mad when you...." They only remember what you said after "It's just that..." and nothing you said before. Tell her you should not have threatened to take away the meet - that's between her and the coach or meet organizers.

The next thing is to realize that kids have ONE coach, and that's not Mom/Dad. She's 11, and she needs to learn to work with her coach or primary instructor. Just as you don't intervene and provide every communication with her teachers at this age, you have to let her have an athlete/coach relationship that doesn't include you. Redirecting her to her coach (or a teacher, or a scout leader) to work out disputes, improve skills and share concerns is a really vital approach to developing an independent and confident teenager, college student and adult. It's also their job to intervene if she is fooling around. The coach can tell her to practice, tell her which vaults to work on (or beam or bars), and tell her what level she should be at. The coach can reassure her if she's worried about 9 year olds. The coach can teach her that different people have different skills and it's not always about being the best all the time. Please don't add to it by saying those same things - please be her mom, not her coach.

As for doing her best, well, sure, we all hope kids will learn to work and to try. But it sounds like your daughter is feeling tremendous pressure to be the best, to work all the time, and to work through injuries. She's 11. She's not going to the Olympics. Why all this pressure? So, just as you had an off day, she's going to have one now and then too. You have to force yourself not to care that much. You have to allow her to not "do her best" every single time. She's not going to give 100% every time - nobody is. That's contributing to the stress. Let her coach handle this.

Sit down and reassess what your reasons are for having her in gymnastics. Is it for physical activity, being part of a group, being with friends? Those are all good reasons. So letting her dance around now and then with a hurt foot is really okay, it's part of being a kid who is not a professional and obsessively dedicated athlete. So if your goal is to provide a physical activity that is enjoyable, your discussion with your daughter should be, "Is this still enjoyable?" If it isn't, if this is a competitive environment and she's not that into it, why can't she try something else? She should finish out a session if it's paid for, but then why can't she give it a rest? You have not wasted money on this - it is an investment you made willingly to give her what you thought she wanted. She wanted it at one time. Give her a break, see if the enjoyment returns, and if it doesn't, let her find something else to do as long as it's not sitting in front of the TV all day. She can do ANYTHING for physical activity - it doesn't have to be organized. We have 2 neighbor families who are involved full-tilt with gymnastics, and it takes everything they have in terms of time and dollars. They do what you do - sit for hours watching practices and meets. We have other families whose kids enjoy other things - swimming, running (team and individual), casual bike riding, and karate - and that's fine too. Kids learn what they want when they get to try other things. You told her she could "just take a rec class" like there's something wrong with that. Is there?

What if she has other interests she hasn't discovered? Drama class, clarinet lessons, volunteering at the animal shelter or the senior center? You will have a much more well-rounded child, and a happier one, and one who is not so h*** o* herself and her body as a teenager, if she's allowed to find her own outlets.

Believe me, I understand the expenses involved. I understand what it's like to drive a kid to practices and then try to get dinner and homework and a shower accomplished. My husband and I spent many hours sitting outside at track meets, driving to those few schools with indoor tracks when multiple meets were being held, and we know what it's like to sit and sit (or freeze outside at a cross country meet) to just catch a glimpse of our kid as he whizzed by. So I know what it must be like for you to watch a 2 minute routine after dozens of hours of waiting and driving. But that's part of parenting that you have willingly undertaken. You really don't want to throw that in your child's face, do you?

It's very hard to be in these competitive environments without allowing the pressure to take over your own life, I get that. But you're an adult. She's 11. It doesn't have to be this stressful. And you have to be the rock that she comes to when she's having a hard time - but not her coach.

It's okay - today's a new day. You can start again!

I would have done exactly the same thing you did. I don't think anything was wrong.
If she doesn't want to be there and put the effort in, I wouldn't want to keep paying for it/going. It's a waste of both of your times in that case.
So I literally would have had the (have had) the same conversation in the same circumstances.

Not sure why that makes you a bad mom.

If my kids don't do their best, there are consequences - especially if it is costing us money.

Remember kids are immature. I think you got your daughter back on track.

What's her coach saying?

Our thing is you're only as good as the effort you put in. Some weeks are off. Sometimes kids lose some confidence and have a set back. We see this in hockey and also piano. My son was having a hard time with one piece he needed to learn and we just saw him not want to practice at all. Even the pieces he enjoys playing for fun.

Reminding them to not give up and try harder when they hit a plateau is a good thing. Maybe talk to coach if she/he is allowing the goofing off. If this is a competitive team, it seems odd that would go unnoticed.

I don't make empty threats. So just be sure if you say there are consequences, then there are. I make them fair. I try to encourage them first, I even sometimes force them (just as you would if they had a project at school they were putting off), but after that it's up to them. If they're not going to try - then consequences.

I think it's good you just listened and she came forth with what was really bothering her. I am trying that more - the listening part. Being understanding (as you were) makes you a good mom :)

Good luck let us know how it goes

If my daughter (12 year old competitive dancer in the advance level) were to pull something like that, I would assume one of two things. Either she was truly very hurt and unable to do the required moves, or she didn't want to do it anymore.

My daughter's dance instructors wouldn't put up with her playing around and goofing off, they are sent out of class if they are disturbing the other girls. Or if they are all messing around I have seen the instructor walk out for a few minutes. These girls have been dancing for 10 years as a group, 7 of them competitively, and they know better.

It sounds like your daughter is the same. I absolutely would not pay for something my kid wasn't taking seriously, didn't enjoy, or wasted my time/money. My standard statement to my kids is that their activities require a lot of time and money from the whole family...we support it as long as they like it. Once they no longer like it, or it becomes a fight, it goes away.

Nothing you did was horrible. You went on a bit...but no harm in over-explaining and you already feel bad..I mean for goodness sakes you are allowed to "say something!!" lol...I would have come down way more harshly on the disrespectful playing around during class. My kids have always been told playtime is NOT during classes where it distracts others from learning and disrespects the teacher. I was about 11 when I stopped gymnastics. I was a super amazing little gymnast when I was small. But even though I could do all the most difficult things with perfect form in all events in practices, I HATED meets. I would get stomach aches from fear and dread. To this day I hate competing. As I got more accomplished and started going to higher level meets, I started trying to escape class by using the bathroom a lot (goofing off was not tolerated by the coaches or parents back then) and the coach reprimanded me for using the bathroom too much..anyway. The coach, my parents and I had a powow. My parents struggled to afford the classes and it was a far drive to take me. I confessed I hated competing and was starting not to love class. The coach stated that I would be "too big" in a year or two to go to extremely high levels anyway (True, I'm 5' 9" now, lol!) and we all decided it was time to move on. So off into other team sports and stuff I went. I wasn't in love with or amazing at any of them, but it was just customary in our house to do "something" :)

I wouldn't pay or enable her to mistreat the classes. It's OK to lose interest in something and stop going. But don't just pull her from a meet and disappoint the team! Respectfully stop the classes or participate properly.

She's over it. She is there to be social. She loves her coaches, that isn't a good sign. Sports like gymnastics are a competition against yourself. If she isn't trying to beat her own persona best, she is over it. I cried and cried when I came to that realization with my own daughter. But, she found something else and is a very active, healthy, well rounded adult now.

I'm in the middle of that with my boys and handled it the same way. The family makes sacrifices in order to have a competitive gymnast. I don't care what their scores are as long as they are dedicating themselves and putting in full effort and are enjoying the sport. I've witnessed some practices where one of mine were goofing off or would avoid drills on pommel - he'd just bounce from one line to the other and avoid actual practice. He was given the same options you gave your daughter, and he chose to stop goofing off. Warning them that gymnastics is no longer an option if they aren't fully in is not a bad thing, in my opinion.

She probably has a crush on one of the guys in the class or a teacher. It happens. I remember when my granddaughter noticed one of the local cheer squad guys. He was really really really cute. Blonde hair that just moved like a fan was hitting it, black eye brows, bright blue eyes, and a muscular. He's one of those kids that all the girls fall for. He was so sweet and kindhearted and a good assistant coach. But suddenly all the girls forgot how to tumble and do tricks. My granddaughter was 5 years old.

I knew it would pass and it did.

I'd say that she is trying to be "cute" for the one that she has a crush on. It's normal. All the girls go through this. I think you need to listen to her though when she's telling you that she is feeling like this.

She told you she's embarrassed because she is the oldest and the worst. She moved to a gym where everyone is more advanced than she is.

I'm NOT saying her old gym wasn't adequate.

I'm NOT saying all these new kids have more talent than she does either or better teachers now.

I AM saying you need to be up front and present. First of all, speak to the person in charge of this class. Let them know that you've noticed your daughter has too much time between turns since she's acting like that. Let them know she's used to a more rigorous class time. Ask them to please make sure she's working on her skills at every practice.

I'd also ask them if they'd like to see her previous videos so they can see what she is capable of and what you are expecting her to be doing.

Paying the amount of money you are paying for a girl who obviously has the talent and love for this sport shows that you have faith in her.

It's hard to be in a new place and be the low man.

It's more than hard to be the long time kid and your coach decides to cut back his involvement. He's been the best coach over the years but he's getting older. The new person he hired in has a cheer squad that wins every where they go. They even go several states away for competition. They win, everywhere they go.

She opened her business in our gymnastics studio recently when she moved here. All her kids tumble better than the older kids that have been on our exhibition team. We don't do competition anymore. The owners are done with that.

My granddaughter was able to do so many things a couple of years ago and as the coach aged he slacked off, not a lot...but she wasn't working on her skills like they had been previously. The work several hours per week and she was right on target until he had some injuries and needed to slow down.

The new coach came in and he turned the exhibition team over to her. She put all the kids that have been there for years into basic tumbling so they could learn tumbling correctly. So my granddaughter has not only lost skills she is doing basic basic tumbling.

She was able to do front flips, back flips, tucks, aerials, fulls, 2 person cartwheels, and more. Now she's doing back flip after back flip with a tuck on the end. That's it. All the little cheer girls are working on fulls and more right in front of the older kids. It's humiliating and hard. So don't be so h*** o* your girl. Keep her talking and get that coach on the ball. If they're not working them in different areas so they're all working all the time then they might need to split their time better.

In our gym the owner is doing the stuff on the springboard floor and the cheer coach lady is working them on the tumble trak. The kids move from one area to the other. We don't compete anymore so they don't work on anything else. We have beams and uneven parallel bars and more but the exhibition team only works on those 2 areas now.

Her dance teacher is expecting her to tumble in recital in May in a hip hop dance routine. She's literally not going to be able to do the tumbling because she hasn't worked on a standing back hand spring on the floor in 2 years.

She is happy and loves going and being part of the team though. I've tried to get her to drop it but she literally loves it. So I take her. I decided to accept the changes and let her have this time to do this. It's not going to amount to anything that will do anything for her in college but she is exercising and enjoying herself.

On the surface, I think nothing you said is out of line. She's coming to terms with kids younger than her being more skilled, and that is not limited to gymnastics. In life, sometimes you aren't the best and sometimes you are. You called her on her antics and she needs to understand that this IS a sacrifice for you - your time and money. I had a similar discussion with my DD about dance. Either she shaped up or she didn't continue. Nevermind if another kid was goofing off. SHE was responsible for HER behavior. She shaped up and we continued the next semester. I made it clear I was not going to shell out more $ for something she wasn't willing to participate in, and she had til the end of that level to prove to me she understood. Something else I told my DD is that she needs to think about her teacher that she likes so much and how frustrating it is for the teacher when the kids don't act right. She hadn't thought about how much of the teacher's time she wasted and she didn't want to let her teacher down.

So now your DD knows that you pay attention, that you expect her to be HER best, and that if she doesn't want to do gymnastics or doesn't want to try (and wastes other people's time and lets down her team) then you'll pull her out. FWIW, we made my stepson finish the season when he wanted to quit wrestling, since his quitting would affect others. I'd let her finish this part of it and then if there is no improvement, don't sign her up for any more.

In the future, she'll be told by teachers, bosses, partners...that she needs to do x or y. You would have let her down if you hadn't taught her a lesson about respect - for herself and others. And those future bosses will thank you for addressing her behavior as a child. Yes, she is only 11, but an 11 yr old can understand what you are trying to convey.

The higher levels of gymnastics require practice and discipline which her coaches should be pushing on her. The only problem is that her new coaches don't know her skill level and she's taking advantage of it by slacking. I think at this point you need to sit down with her and ask the big question: Is this something you love and still want to do.

If you want an eye openers watch the documentary Trophy Kids. Its on instant watch on netflix. Should be manditory viewing for any parent with a kid playing spoirt.

It depends on what you were trying to achieve and at that only time will tell. My daughter was recently spoken to by her coach about all her parents do for her and she can't mess around at practice. With that, she has been working harder and other parents and coaches have mentioned how great she is doing.

Since this is what she seems to want to do and you don't seem as though you really wanted to pull her, I am sure you handled it just fine.