Helping My MIL Prepare for My FIL Death --From Afar

I would take the whole family to Ireland for a couple of weeks. Stay with family or in a hotel. Let her have her space and maybe hubby can stay with her a night or two so they can have some quiet time. I can't imagine not going to a funeral if we had the means. It's a time to say goodbye, see family and regroup and reevaluate life. I'd go and take the kids so they can visit the home land and see family. I think in other countries kids go to all the services too. Take them and follow the lead of the others that will attend the services.

J.:

I'm truly sorry. Pancreatic cancer took my mom in 5 days from the time they "caught" it. Be thankful for all the time you've had.

I don't know the ages of your children - but taking them before he dies? Not a good thing in my opinion. Why? because if they have ANY memories of him - the picture they will have in their head will be that of the dying man - not the fresh-faced, Fun grandpa they had before.

You need to make sure your MIL is aware of what is going on.

* Paying the bills
- when the mortgage is due
- credit cards, etc.

Caring for the house and car -
- does she know the local mechanic? or is this something her husband has always taken care of?
- what about heating and plumbing?

Life insurance - is there any?

Final expenses and wishes - does she KNOW how he wants to die? In the hospital or at home? How does he want to be medicated? My mother FLATLY refused morphine, etc. A DNR was put in place when she left the hospital. We were instructed by the Hospice on how to care for her - we already knew - but it's those little things like changing the "diapers", medication etc.

Burial or cremation? Yeah - it's a tough thing - but the conversation MUST happen. She needs to understand what is happening and what is changing in her life.

My dad was spoiled by my mom. While they did everything together - paid the bills together, took the car for maintenance together, my dad was in so much grief over the loss of his wife of 56 years and the W. he'd loved for 60 years, he was "lost". And cooking? Yeah - he's been doing a lot of eating out since I left! LOL!! After she died, I would hear him crying in his bed at night - usually a few hours after he went to bed - because he turned over and she wasn't there....needless to say - I didn't get a lot of sleep.

Taking care of the funeral arrangements is a hard task. doesn't matter that you know what they want - it's the finality of it all.

I would NOT have her make any huge decisions for at least one year. She needs time to grieve and process her life. I think it's great that you want to have her in your home. However, please don't force it and don't be offended if she says "no thank you".

Make sure she knows what's going on. What's where. Who to pay. What to pay. What his wishes are.

Best of luck to you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Cancer sucks

I just wanted to say that I have a friend who had pancreatic cancer that spread to his liver. Everyone thought that was it - he wouldn't survive. His clients even quit paying their bills because they assumed he was going to die anyway. Well, lo and behold, after two surgeries and chemo, he is still with us, working every day and just happy as heck to be alive. So, don't count your FIL out yet - miralces do happen!

i dunno, i think your husband has the right idea. some people might enjoy a 'distraction' in that awful time, but many (like me) would just feel piled on. and your husband knows them best. it may be that some quiet time with her beloved son, all to herself, is exactly what she will need.
and having her come stay with you as soon as she's up for it will be the best medicine. THEN she can enjoy her grandkids, and all the care you are so able and willing to heap on her.
doers are so wonderful. the world would not turn without people like you! but sometimes even a doer has to let things be for a bit.
khairete
S.

I am sorry that your FIL is so ill and that you are having to deal with this from a distance. Why don't you find out if there are hospice services in Ireland? Find out all the details and gently suggest that they sign up for hospice. That will help them quite a bit by providing medical care and comfort to him and caregiver relief to her. Some people postpone these services trying to postpone the inevitable, but they would benefit greatly from working with hospice earlier in their journey. I would help my husband plan the trip now. The prognosis for pancreatic cancer is very poor and sometimes patients pass quickly. Then he will be able to visit with his father and get a better assessment of what you can do to help. He can deliver the care package from the kids. I think I would rethink the long visit for your MIL. Discuss it with her. That will be a lot of changes for her-- losing her husband, leaving her country, living in a different country with a whole family that she doesn't get to see too often.

I'm so sorry but glad you have a small amt of time left to let him know how much you care.

I would let H go by himself. If H feels that would be best, honor his wishes. It's his parents. You did see them after the diagnosis and left them wonderful memories and gave them to your kids. Let that stand. It's an honorable and substantial gift. Don't dilute it by trying to replicate it. It won't work anyway. Let this time be about child and parents.

H can take the money he saved from all of you coming and set up for meals, house cleaning, transportation when needed. He could find a local resturant they like and arange a tab or gift card. Same for the grocer.

I'm not an expert on the Irish medical or legal system and I bet most aren't. While he is there he can consult an equivalent to an elder care lawyer or social worker and get more info as to medical hospice there.

As for you and your kids, packages are a treat to those who live isolated lives in the country. I remember when the highlight of the day was the mail!
You will be an expert at it, I know. Love will lead you. Even if you sent something from the Internet. They can find them!

May God guide you.

Listen to your husband's wishes...it's his father. Sending a care package and keeping in touch with the family is what needs to happen. Unless you are the spokes person for your husband (on behalf of his family matters)....please let it be.

England is very near Ireland, so the other kids need to pick up some slack. It's like from Los Angeles to San Francisco - it takes several hours, but it's more doable for them then for you.

If they belong to a church, perhaps give the church a call and ask how you can help long distance. They might be able to give you some ideas. Perhaps there's a service that could cook/clean once a week and you could set that up with MIL's approval. Ask MIL what she needs that you can do long distance.

Skyping and talking and dumping love on them may be the best thing to do. Hugs to you all!

I would listen to your husband and stay back. End of life care is a hard thing to witness - better to remember him in better days.

I would for sure send gifts from your 5YO often. And just let your husband go and handle things. Sounds like he can cook so that is a start. Just be there for anyone and remind everyone that you are there to help in any way they may need you. And get a room ready for her. She'll need family interaction.

J., I'm so sorry. It's a rough time for all involved, but I guess that I agree with your husband. Let him go and handle stuff for his mom. I can't imagine that she doesn't have someone else who will cook and clean for her. And after she gets his affairs in order, come stay with you all.

It might help your husband to bond with her during this hard time without the family as a distraction.

Get on a plane and go visit while He is still alive! Take the children. Please.

Yes. This is immediate family time. Give your husband back to his parents for this time.

I would have both of you read a book by David Kessler. Its called Visions Trips and Crowded Rooms. I purchased days before my FIL passed away for myself. Your little boy sounds like a kind child. I would do a care package asap. I would also have the whole family before the funeral. It would be nice to say goodbye and hold him one last time. You will never have that oppurtunity again. I believe its important for the whole family to go together. Go soon let your son comfort his grandpa one last time.
Regarding the book. Its about people that are just ready to pass on to heaven. They always receive a visit from a deceased family / friend who passed.
What prompted me to purhase this book. The conversation I had with my fil. His home nurse called me because she couldn't get ahold of my husband or brother in law ( brother was wonderful to his parents very attentive.. this time they were on vacation) my husband was in a mtg. So my fil.spoke to me. I will never forget the conversation for the rest of my life. He was at home. He said " J. I am ready to go home. "( we were on phone) the nurse said Kermit we are home. I said " Do you back in Virginia with your parents...who have been deceased sinced 1972. Yes I am ready to home now. I told my bil and husband they need to get over there so their could have closure.

I wouldn't take the kids they are too young to see him that way send little care packages and after he has passed then fly over seas and go to the funeral