Don't Put Us in the Middle

You don't have to be invited to a funeral. If you know when it is and you want to honor the deceased, you go. The gatherings after, that's different, but the service is open as far as I know.

And if I had a loving relationship with that person and wanted to pay my last respects to them, I would go, and anyone that didn't like it could kiss my sweet patootie.

ADD: I agree with the other mom - visit her NOW - you also don't have to be invited to the hospice either, and it means more to visit someone when they're alive - even if they aren't aware, you can make the connection.

Didn't know invites go out for deaths. If I loved my grandmother, wild horses could not keep me away from giving my respects. I would still ignore the drama and go.

First of all, We also had a grandfather who was in and out of Hospice for over 9 years.. amazing.. so in some situations they can get better, but NEVER count on it.

He needs to do what he needs to do. If in his heart he needs to go and see her.

Is she alert at all? If so, he should cal the Hospice and ask them the best time for him to visit. I will warn you, sometimes, they will ask you NOT to speak or touch the patient.. It depends on what they are dying of. So he needs to be prepared for all of this.

Then he needs to promise himself to not get pulled into the drama. He needs to go and either be prepared for them to be there in the room, or to ask te nurses to clear the room, so he can have some privacy.

Then he needs to be as gracious as possible. Be better than all of the others. say hello, not ask how they are.. and then just hold his tongue and get out as soon as he feels he has had enough time.

I have family members that thrive on drama. They are so ridiculous, I think they must live in their own minds and do not recognize reality at this point. I am polite to them. I say hello, I am polite but I also try to not get drawn into their games and their words.. It can be done.

I am sorry all of you are going through this. I wish there was a way to help these people, but I have just learned to stay away and not get drawn in.. It just makes it worse.

I don't think you have to be invited to a funeral. A funeral is held to honor those that have passed away. Your husband should go to the funeral if he wishes to say goodbye to his family member and not worry about those other family members that would be bothered about it.

You don't need an invite for a funeral. If he wants to respect THE DEAD, then he should go, keep a low profile from those that want to cause trouble and respect his great grandmother's life. If other people want to make her funeral about themselves, then that is their choice, but it is sad and pathetic.

People are really dumb when it comes to death. Friends' family is currently having issues with an uncle who didn't like that the "fair process" the kids came up with doesn't give him everything he wanted so he brought in an appraiser to make sure he gets what he wants. I would stay out of the drama of her will and focus only on what is really important and leave the hyenas to themselves.

Funerals don't come with invitations. To me it comes down solely to paying last respects to his great-grandmother. If your husband wants to pay his last respects, then he should go to the funeral and not give a second thought to anyone else in his family. If he does not wish to do so, then he should not go.

Love family drama - NOT!

My grandmother had a severe stroke while I was on a cruise last week so I found out days after it happened. She is in rough shape, but I'm fully aware she can go on to live for years the way she is. No one is planning her funeral or assuming she is going to go quickly.

I do not care for my grandmother for lots of reasons, but when she does pass, I will go to pay my respects, regardless of if anyone else thinks I should be there or not. There is no invite to those, you just go if you want to go.

Funerals are for the living.
1 - To pay respects.
2 - To comfort family members.
3 - To reminisce about the deceased.
It's a final rite of passage.
Generally there's no invitation process for funerals.
If your husband feels a need to be there - he can be there.
If he feels his presence will interfere with any part of 1,2 or 3 and/or he doesn't want to go - he doesn't have to go.
In some families - a death brings out the vultures - people begin wrangling about inheritance, funeral expenses, etc and so forth right in front of the coffin.
If his family leans that way - well - I'D skip it - he can always visit the grave at some future point in relative peace.
As far as your husband being caught in the middle - he can refuse to be a part of it.
If he's often hurt by it - it would do him good to walk away from it and put it behind him.

No, you don't have to be invited to a funeral, but it is important to remember that they are really for the living not the dead. If you know it will cause hurt feelings and problems for the living than you shouldn't go. IMO having the attitude that I want to go to pay respects (to someone who is DEAD and won't know I'm there) even though it will cause pain to the living people mourning is very selfish. If you want to pay respects so badly go see them before they die. My inlaws were married for 35 years before they divorced. When my FIL's mother passed away last year my MIL talked about going to the funeral because they had been close while she was married to FIL. We told her no way - the divorce was her idea and her presence would cause nothing but pain for the family, it was inappropriate for her to attend. In your case the lady's not dead yet - go visit her! Pay respects by being respectful while she's still here, then he can have peace when she dies if it seems compassionate to avoid the funeral to avoid conflict.

I think that grown people that truly don't want to be in the middle don't have to be. Carry on like you normally would. If you want to show up, show up. If you want to call, call. If somebody gives you a (hostile) message to relay, say no, that you do not want to be in it. Nobody can put you in the middle of anything against your will. That is how I handle my family drama.

You're not "invited" to a funeral!
You go to pay your respect out of love.

I wouldn't need an invitation to say goodbye to a grandmother. And I'd try to see her before she's gone.

(P.S. your husband should have let his mother do her own dirty work--asking for keys back!)

There are no invites to a funeral. I hope he goes and makes amends.

Why is everyone assuming she's going to die? There are plenty of older people who have strokes, go to hospice and recover - they might not be 100% but SOME do recover.

As to funerals? No one is invited to funerals. They are typically open to the public. So yes, I would go and ignore the drama around me to pay my respects to my grandmother.

As to the other stuff? Oh sweet mother of God...for adults they sure are acting like elementary school children. Not sure what their major malfunction is - but you and your husband are BOTH RIGHT to avoid that drama!!

IF ANYONE wants this resolved - it sounds like someone needs to sit them down in a neutral place and say - okay - you are upset about what? let them state their case - then the other affected party needs to state their beef - and settle it. THEY ARE FAMILY!!! Life is too short.

Invited to a funeral? I've never received an invitation to a funeral. I've just seen the announcement in the paper and went. I'd say that you need to stay out of the drama and not take sides. These aren't your battles to fight so no reason to get pulled in.

As far as hubby great grandmother in hospice I'd send cards and flowers. Even if she's not really with it someone can read her the card and the flowers will brighten up her room. Hospice is a wonderful place staffed by angels who make it much easier for those of us left behind.

Focus on what started the fight-not the fallout. It seems as though the line in the sand has been drawn-but what caused the division? Does anyone even know or remember? Good luck!

You should go. You may regret it later that you didnt get a chance to say goodbye. Families always argue but you will always be family. I have had my share and get stuck in the middle too. This is a choice you have to live with because its a one time event. Think about it and if your comfortable not going then dont but dont let the other family members make your choice. Sorry about the great grandma. Good luck to you.

As far as the house keys goes, they should have just changed the lock instead of putting your husband in the middle of it.

As far as the funeral goes, all family drama is left outside the door. Meaning, you go for the remembrance of the deceased person, not because everyone is fighting about some b.s.

You don't have to take sides. You continue to see the family you want to see and not get involved with the rest of it. I know its easier said than done, but when I was facing turning 40, it really hit me how short life is and since I got rid of everything and everyone that was negative in my life, its gotten so much better. JMO. Good luck!

Your husband can stay out of this mess...if he wanted to. To often we allow ourselves to be dragged into family squabbles and drama. Sorry to hear that the grandmother is not doing well. When and if there is a funeral, just go, pay your respects and call it a day. If people act inappropriate at the funeral, let that be on them, not you.

You don't have to go to every fight you're invited to. As others have said, you and your husband don't have to get sucked into the drama. As for the keys, MIL could have written her dad a note and asked for the keys to be sent back, or paid for a "if it fits, it ships" postal carton to be mailed to him with her return postage on it. Or she could have ignored it. Or changed the locks quietly. She really just wanted to stick it to Grandpa and involve your husband as her agent. Your husband didn't have to go but maybe thought it would be faster. In any case, that's over.

If your husband really wants to know what's going on with Grandma, he's going to have to call the hospice center to find out. If these crazy family members have limited who can get info and who can't, then your only option is to google Grandma's name every day to see if it appears in an obituary, or to check the funeral home website (assuming you know which one will be used). Either way, you will find out the date, time and location of the funeral. Then go or don't go, but don't involve everyone else in getting information and then offering up opinions about whether they are going or not going. Funerals, once posted, are public events. Anyone can go. No one can stop you. If anyone causes a disturbance in the funeral (either calling hours or the service itself), then that person can and will be removed by either the funeral home staff or a member of the church/synagogue/etc. where it's being held. We had a potential situation in our family with a funeral and also with a wedding, and that's how the houses of worship told us they would handle it.

If asked, your husband can say "Today is about Grandma and nothing else." And then move on. These people are making it all about themselves and their issue. You can't control them, only your own response. As one other poster put it, one does wonder if anyone really knows the cause of the original argument and estrangement. But that's not for you to solve.

Good luck. I know it's hard to stay on the outside when you want to be their for Grandma.

Absolutely go to the funeral if he will harbor any guilt in the future about not going. He can go, say goodbye and then be with his thoughts for a little while.

I bet once she passes, many people will come together again. But if not, he should go anyway - just for himself.