Help...get 8 Mo. Old Out of Habit of Sleeping with Us Before It's Too Late

the best thing I ever did was let my little girl cry it out. My husband and I established a bed time routine and stuck to it. I think it was between 6-8 months and my daughter was still wanting that midnight feeding and we had 2 pediatricinas tell us that she should be sleeping through the night and not need the bottle. They both suggested to let her cry about 30 minutes. If she was still crying after 30, go into her room to soothe her but do NOT pick her up. The first2-3 nights were hard but she learned quickly and started sleeping through the night. At about 8 months she started sleeping about 12 hours a night and still does. There are a lot of people who disagree with letting them cry but it truly does work and it honestly doesn't damage the baby emotionally. My daughter loves me as much now and she did when she had to cry it out. Several people I've talked to that did the co=sleeping thing said it was so hard to break the longer you let it go on. I know 2 sets of parents who have kids between the ages of 5-7 and one of them has her own bed in the parents bedroom and the other wakes in the middle of the night and crawls in bed with the parents. I also know of another set of parents who go to their baby at every peep...their 15 month old and 3 year don't sleep through the night...

Sounds like she is not ready to give you up yet. She still needs you. Go with the flow. If you give her what she needs at this very young age she will learn that you are always there for her, and that you trust her to make her own decisions. Love, respect and trust are the most important things you can share with your daughter. If you nuture those things now, you will always have them. Society is telling you she needs to be somewhere else, but she is telling you different. I don' t see this as a bad habit forming. I see it as a bond that you don't want to break. I am not perfect by any means, but I am a mother of five and have seen children leave the bed at all different ages based on their own needs. There is a point that you can start subtled directing them out, but that is not until you are sure that they are ready and the bond will not be effected. This is usually around 24 months, but does vary depending on the child. Good luck and congratulations on you new bundle of joy!

Have you had her ears looked at?

My 16m old did this when we went back home for christmas. I would go and sit next to the pack n play pat her back and say nothing. she was fine with that. it did take awhile for her to give up, but she did. then a few nights ago i had to do the same thing. I sat next to the crib rubbing her arm and leg. As she got more confortbale I moved to the rocking chair. She did fall back to sleep, but it took a good 45min. it beats taking her to bed with us. I to like the others suggest the fisherprice crib toy. first thing my daughter does is turn on that toy. good luck

Dear Amiee,

I'm having the same problem. My husband and I have had our 7 month old Mason in the bed with us since the Christmas holiday. When we visit my Mom Mason sleeps with me, so ever since then he thinks that is how it should be. I've tried warm milk, a massage, reading, the works, but he just cries when he realizes he is in his room in own bed. I don't know what to do either. We've even considered getting another mini-crib for our room.

i'm a believer in co-sleeping, so I say, if she wants to be with you night, let her. I wouldn't call it "a bad habit", I call it human nature.

We still have our 3 1/2 year old son in our bed. It first started with breastfeeding, then he was sick alot at your babies age. The only thing I could suggest is put her in the pack-n-play in your room or move the crib in your room. She may just need to be closer to you. That worked for us, we still let our son sleep in our room and when he wakes up he gets into our bed. H.

Hi Aimee!

I am a mother of two beautiful girls and we had the same problem with our first child. A family member told me about a book called The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems (By Teaching you to Ask the Right Questions)it is by Tracy Hogg and Melinda Blau, it was a life saver! I will tell you that it is hard to do...I am such a softy that my husband had to take over most nights because I wanted to cave. Good Luck!!

Do not pick her up! You know she's dry and not hungry, so check on her without touching her! Keep to your 15 minute time limit. It is very hard to sit and listen to them cry, but it will only take a few nights and she will stop. Be tough and be persistant ---- don't let an 8 month old be in charge!!!!! You think it's hard now, wait until she's a teen!

Hi Amiee....Congratulations on your beautiful daughter! I am compassionate to what you are dealing with right now. My husband and I have a 6.5 month old little girl who has captured our hearts in every way!

What happened with us, like with you, is that she got a bad cold over the holidays. Each night, as she struggled to breathe/sleep, we would bring her into our room or hold her in the glider while she slept...she slept better that way. But once she was well, she expected it and missed us.

In the end, after almost a week of this, my husband and I decided to let her cry and soothe herself back to sleep. We have a video monitor and so we were able to watch her as she cried. It took three nights and she cried the first night for about 30 minutes and then less the next two nights. Sound sand feels like an eternity!!!! But then fell asleep and slept the rest of the night. By the fourth night, she was sleeping soundly through the night with no wake ups. But those first few nights, I was so, so upset while she cried. My husband was very supportive and helped me stay strong and remind me I was not being a mean mom. I stayed glued to the video monitor. Interestingly, she would cry out and look around to see if anyone was coming...there were no tears! She showed no signs of distress at all. Just mad that no one was coming in to see her!

Each morning, even after crying herself to sleep, our daughter would wake up happy, happy in the mornings because SHE WAS WELL RESTED (and so were we!). Sleep is so important to everyone...mom, dad and baby! When we are well rested in the morning, the days and activities together are so much more enriching for her and us. If you can remind yourself that you are helping her to learn how to soothe herself and not abandoning her, it may help you get through the first couple of nights. By night three you will be convinced that what you did was the right thing.

In the end, do what your heart tells you is right. Sounds like you are a great mom, or you would not be worried about any of this! Good luck and sweet dreams!

I agree with Merry about the Ocean Wonders crib toy. My 18 month old has had his since he was about 6 months and it does provide him some soothing time while he's watching the monkey play peek-a-boo and the fish float around in his bubbles. Only downfall about it is that the batteries dont last very long and it requires 4 d batteries. It does last 15 minutes and setting range from just music or music and the characters moving about. It catches their attention and helps them self soothe. I however disagree that she is not doing this just because she enjoyed the comfort of you and daddy and doesn't prefer her crib anymore.Its not a trick tact. but a comfort thing.My 4 yr old slept with me and my husband until birth...I had to literally hold his hand and fake being asleep until he knocked out and then pray I could sneak out of the room quietly enough. I slowly broke him from that and he's down to falling asleep in his bed and making his way to ours in the middle of the night.I got lucky enough this time with my 18 month old who has slept in his crib since birth and will not fall asleep anywhere BUT his crib.And I too had a laps with him when he got sick and got use to me holding him. I had to end up letting him cry it out for a few nights and he readjusted himself. Some dont believe in letting the baby cry it out but the trick is to go in and do something like rub her on the tummy and talk sweetly to her and tell her night night and blow her kisses and leave briefly. Dont drag it on and dont sit by the monitor.Just check in every 10 or 15 mins briefly and do it for a few nights so she can learn to self soothe again...and buying that crib toy will help.

My first child, now 6, never had problems sleeping. I never put her in the bed with me, always going to her room to nurse in a rocking chair. When my second child, now 2, was born, we lived in a two-story house and I got lazy. I'd occasionally put him in the bed with us. So, when he was seven months old, I experienced the exact same difficulty as you. I got every book there was to figure out how to undo what I'd done (and read them while drinking a big cup of coffee). Terry Brazleton is my favorite pediatrician / expert. He doesn't subscribe to the cry it out but does stress that you put the child down in the crib before she's asleep. You now have to teach her to fall asleep on her own so when she wakes up she can soothe herself. Since I hadn't done this but rocked him fully to sleep I couldn't exactly go back, but now I know for the next one! I finally would just tell my baby, after his nightly routine which is key, that I would not come up if he woke up crying but I woud see him in the morning. I let him cry about 5 days; it would take several hours and was horrible for me and my husband. But the baby learned how to fall asleep and has been a great sleeper ever since! He sleeps in a big boy bed and goes right to sleep after books, etc. I would also talk to him about how well he did in the morning, even when he was eight months. . . about how I heard him crying but I was so proud he finally went to sleep! Good luck! Remember, like everything, it's a phase and will get better!

I can understand what you mean, but letting her cry will not hurt her. My daughter from the time that she was 3 months developed an ear infection every two weeks. At night I would hold her until she fell asleep then lay her in her crib. She would wake up and cry as well, but I would go in and rub her back or tummy until she settled down and fell asleep again. I got a music box for her room and when she would wake up in the middle of the night I would turn the music box on to see if that would settle her down. Sometimes it worked sometimes it didn't. Have you tried one of those crib toys that you can turn on and she can play with? I cried many a nights with her because I felt helpless. Honestly you have got to break the habit now or you will have a 5 year old sleeping in your bed - doesn't quite give you and your hubby the alone time you need. She will be fine. You can also try letting her sleep in your room (not your bed) and gradually get her out of your room.

K.

You don't say if your daughter goes right to sleep being in your bed or plays. If she is sleeping alright in your bed, you are going to just have to spend a few nights toughing it out with her loud crying. It sounds harsh, but she is at the age where she is developing habits and this is not one you want to encourage. You could limit some of her naps during the day, and keep her up later, by playing with her and maybe feeding her a little something extra - make it a happy time in the evening! Then put her in her own bed. Eventually, if there is nothing wrong, she will figure out that she is not getting her way and go to sleep from being worn out.

I am very saddened by all the mothers on this board that honestly believe that they must let their babies "cry it out" for the best results. Does no one stay up on current medical research? It is a misconception that a baby is not harmed by crying.
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.asp

Here is an excerpt from an article from BabyCenter, a popular mainstream parenting site:

Expert Answers
Martha and William Pieper, emotional health and well being experts

You're so right to be alarmed about the negative side effects of letting a baby cry himself to sleep! There is a popular but unrealistic and, ultimately, harmful notion that infants should not bother their parents at night and that responding positively to babies who are having trouble sleeping teaches them to take advantage of their parents' caring and deprives parents of sleep on a regular basis.

Anyone who advises you to let your baby cry until he gives up and falls asleep is focusing on the baby's behavior (going to sleep all alone) and not on how the baby feels in the process. The problem is that when infants are left to cry themselves to sleep, they are forced to conclude that they are not lovable enough to engage their parents' desires to comfort them. If they actually stop crying, it is because they have abandoned all hope that help will come. The meaningful question, then, is not, "What will make my baby go to sleep with the least attention?" but "What will enable my baby to put himself to sleep with the self-confidence that comes from feeling happy and cared about?"

The answer is that if you offer your baby relationship pleasure rather than relationship deprivation, you will help him go to sleep secure in the conviction that you love him and want him to be happy. You can put him down when you think he's sleepy, sing to him, rub his back, or find other ways to comfort him, and then leave the room. If he cries, you can return and calm him and then leave again.

Although in the first year you may have to return many times to your baby's crib to rock him, give him the breast or bottle, or stroke him, your baby will learn both that you can be relied on to respond to his needs and also that he can put himself to sleep in a contented manner (and not out of despair). Over time, as your baby learns that his cries will be responded to, he will need less input from you to feel comforted and sleep.

A baby who is responded to in this way will become a child who is a sound and reliable sleeper; and you will be rewarded with many peaceful nights as the result of your efforts in your baby's first year. Sleep-deprived parents of crying babies often feel very tempted to let their infants cry themselves to sleep so that they, themselves, will be able to get some rest. We ourselves know from experience how exhausted parents of infants can become. But we also know that you will be repaid later for the extra effort you make for your baby now. Your baby cannot perceive that you are tired and need peace and quiet, so when he is left to cry himself to sleep he has to think that you are choosing to leave him feeling helpless and miserable.

Once you see that you were right to worry about leaving your baby to cry and that the interruptions to your sleep caused by tending to him are both beneficial to him and time-limited, then, even though you are tired, you will have more reason to make the effort to go to your baby and try to help him to sleep comfortably.

While our approach to helping babies learn to put themselves to sleep is more time-consuming than the popular prescription to let infants cry, it will make your baby happier now and will also lay the foundation for his future well-being. Just as parents rarely balk when they are told they have to get up in the middle of the night to give children medicine or take their temperatures, we have found that when parents understand the healing they cause by responding to their infants' cries, they usually will accept the interruptions to their sleep as reasonable and necessary. We applaud your wish to help your baby put himself to sleep in a happier way and wish you well.

She just got used to sleeping in the bed with you. It's more secure to her and she likes that feeling of saftey and doesn't want it to go away. She also might be a little afraid of the dark. You can try to put a little dim light by her bed or stay in there and talk to her until she falls asleep. Music helped my little one fall asleep. If nothing else works then it's just something she's going to half to grow out of.

Before I say anything let me say I'm not trying to be judgmental, just speaking from the other side of child rearing and would hate see you start out on the wrong foot with your baby and on a simple(r) issue than those that lie ahead.

Sorry if I sound hard, but one thing always helped me break or stopped me from creating bad habits or not giving in was: How cute will this (shrieking and screaming for her own way) be when Susy/Jimmy is 2, 4, 8, 16, an adult? Not so cute then = not cute at all now. If she can suceed at manipulating you now (yes, that is what that sweet bundle of love is doing), you've just invited a life long struggle on your hand. Give her all the love and assurance she needs before you put her down, have a bedtime ritual (maybe include bedtime only song) so she knows that this leads to being put to bed. Be sure she is fine and won't hurt herself. Tell her what you are doing, put her to bed and then stick to your guns. After all, she really wants to sleep and not cry; she won't do it for long. Understand though, you have already taught her that 15 minutes is your breaking in point, so she may have to cry 30 minutes before it sinks in that you're not taking into your bed. You can even try stroking her, patting her to relax her to get to sleep, but she stays in the crib and don't start another bad habit trying to make it easier on yourself to break this one. In the morning praise her for sleeping her bed, repeat your praise a few times during the day in your conversations. Trust me, she may not have the vocabulary, but she'll understand and you will be laying the foundation of how you communicate with her. She'll get used to it, respond to it, expect it and accept it.

If I had anything I could call my parenting "mantra" it is this - "There are no unruly children, only unruly parents who refuse to discipline themselves to discipline their children." In other words you are the one who will have to stck this out if she is going to learn to sleep in her bed again.

Now lest you think I'm just beating you up and think you are the worst mom in the world, nothing is farther from the truth. I am admire young women today - you have so many more challenges than we had raising your generation yet here you are rising up to it. I tip my hat to you and tell I believe you really do have what it takes, it really is in you. Will you make mistakes? Didn't we? Just don't make the real unnecessary ones -like dumbing down the strengths that are in you that your daughter needs to cultivate the strengths that are in her.

A litte about me:

I am a mother of 4 grown children with grandchild number 7 on the way. I love my children and grandchildren and enjoy a wonderful relationship with them all. My adult children are now my peers and equal as well my children which to me is an out of this world perk. One of the most rewarding things any of my children have ever said: My 30 year old son told me one day, he never knew what little he had growing up because the house was always so full of love - that coming from the child who tried me beyond what I thought I had in me and who now regularly thanks me for setting boundaries and sticking to them.