Help with Sleeping Through the Night Please

Have you mentioned to him how much crying there will be when the kids wake and you don't give them the bottle the first time and the second time and the third time, etc.

Do you have special blanket, or bears for them? How about pacifiers? (I hate to say the word.) How about holding them for a minute but that is another trap of quicksand.

How much is he willing to help you help teach learn to sooth them self. The three year old has different needs than the 15 month old.

SuperNanny has a technique for this. She says to calmly put the toddler or preschooler back to bed without saying anything. Keep doing this until they know they have to stay in bed. Since this is in the middle of the night I think that giving her a reassuring hug would be helpful. But don't give her a bottle. If she doesn't already have a "lovey" perhaps you could shop with her for a special stuffed animal to take to bed with her. Substitute the "lovey" for the bottle. Do the same with the baby. My daughter had a doll that would light up when you pressed on it.

I've read that this training only takes a few nights if you consistently stick with it. I wouldn't let a child cry hysterically but a little crying can be self soothing and help her go back to sleep. If the crying gets serious and lasts more than 5-10 minutes, I'd go back and reassure her, hand her the lovey, and leave. You could put her pacifier where she can find it herself. Perhaps under her pillow. Tell her you know it's hard to go back to sleep but you know that she can do it. There are some stuffed animals that play music when you push on their ear or paw. Perhaps that would help her.

It is a manner of training or allowing them to learn self soothing ways to get back to sleep. Your daughter has you trained to get up and give her a bottle. I understand that doing this is easier for now but in the long run it is not. It would be good for you and your husband to get a good nights sleep. To have that is worth a few nights with less sleep while you help her learn how to go back to sleep by herself.

This may be difficult for you to do. Is it possible that you are over protecting your sensitive child? Do you try to "make things a certain way" for her? If she cries do you give her what she wants? I wonder if you're overly sensitive to your overly sensitive girl. Babies and children sense when their mother is anxious which makes them more anxious.

Is it possible that the 15 month old wakes her up by snorting or snuffling or whimpering just a bit. Perhaps he's the first to cry. Would it be possible to have him sleep in another room to see if she sleeps better? That's tricky to do and might not be a good idea. It could disrupt his sleep pattern. He also may need help in learning how to self-soothe.

If they don't already have a night light put one in. You could try "white noise" that would cover up the night sounds. My daughter slept best with a fan blowing on her. She still gets too warm during the night and still uses a fan even tho she is an adult.

It's possible that she's having "bad" dreams. To help prevent this be sure that the night time going to bed ritual is soothing. do the same things every night at the same time. Especially read a happy book or tell a nurturing story before turning off the lights. My daughter plays a sleepy time CD after she leaves the room.

My granddaughter had difficulty getting to sleep. I think she was about the age of your daughter. She and I would make up a happy story together. I always put soft floating clouds into the story. She nearly always put a rainbow in. We included flowers, soft cuddly animals, and little girls like her. She was usually in the story too. I ended the story with suggestions that the characters where safe and sleepy. "Now it's time for you to sleep." Hugs were important. Sometimes she wanted to talk about something that had scared her. Sometimems we put that into the story and made it turn out alright. Other times she just wanted to talk about it.

I also gave her a soft cuddly teddy bear. She hadn't been sleeping with any one thing up until then. She still sleeps with that bear part of the time. She's 8. She vomited on the bear and washing it turned it's fur rough looking and not so soft. I bought another one like that one but she rejected it. I found the bear at the Dollar store. It was floppy and easy to snuggle with.

The goal is to help her learn how to self-soothe herself back to sleep so you can get some sleep.

My children are spaced exactly the same, only sightly older, and they share a room (one's in a crib, one's in a bed). Fun, isn't it?

It sounds like a big part of your problem is that you have two children with two different sleep issues, and because they are in the same room there is the added complication that they wake each other up with their sleep challenges. I love having our children share a room, but sometimes it presents difficulties.

When we have had sleep challenges, we have put the "baby" in a pack n play in another room (or a hallway -- wherever) so that we can help each child without compromising the other child's sleep.

As far as the specific issues, I definitely agree that the 15 mo is probably unnecessarily dependent on the bottle and should be weaned off of it, which requires a combination of patience, nurturing and "crying it out". I don't have any suggestions for helping the toddler... surely others have had experience with that.

Good luck!

Your 3 year old is doing this because you are allowing her to. Put her back down and tell her it is sleep time. Every time she gets up put her back into the bed until she stays. This could take and hour, but you will get the message across that she is to stay there. She is old enough to understand that. You don't have to talk to her after the first time, just keep up the repetition until she is tired of the game.

My now 9 year old son used to wake every night at 2 am and I would give him a bottle to get him back to sleep (he was a bottle baby anyway). I realized that, with plans to have another one on the way, I had to stop this habit, since that's what it was. He didn't NEED the bottle; it was familiar (and easy, and tried and true).

He was about 18 months when we put the bottles away for good, so he must have been around 16 months when I decided to nip the mid-night wakeups. It was hard, but I just stopped giving him the late-night bottles altogether and kept putting him back to bed with lots of love and hugs. It really didn't take long for him to stop waking completely at 2 am and I was able to get some good rest before we became pregnant with our youngest.

I would NOT put up a gate, since that seems like a cage. Just be firm and have the resolve to get both of your kids back to sleep without external soothers. I know, it is easier said than done, but once you set your mind to it, you'll accomplish your task in no time at all. Unfortunately, this means some discomfort for both of you for a couple of nights (could be a couple of weeks before you beat the habit), but it is well worth it for a lifetime of comfort. Best of luck to you!

My daughter kept getting up in the night until she was about 17 months, and I knew it wasn't good for her for me to keep going in and rocking her with a bottle, but I didn't want to NOT check because what if her diaper was messy, or what if she was cold or scared.......So I started walking into her room, making sure she was alright (without taking her out of her crib) and handing her a sippy cup of water (since it's okay to have water in bed, but not milk) and leaving. She cried a bit the first few nights (15-20 minutes) but then she stopped waking up at night. She's almost three now, and she does wake up every now and then, scary dream or thirsty or something and we just have to reassure her or get her a drink and she'll go back to sleep. Falling BACK asleep on their own is a very important skill to learn, since your daughter isn't in a crib it's going to be a bit harder, but you need to shorten the amount of time you spend putting her back to bed, don't give her a bottle, give her a sippy cup of water(three year olds don't need bottles) that way if she's truly thirsty she has something, and if it's just a crutch then she'll learn to do without, and then keep putting her back in her bed, with minimal talking, as many times as it takes. I understand not wanting to make her cry, and there's nothing wrong with sleeping on the floor in their room for awhile if that will help, just make sure you're consistent about not getting out of bed.

Dear J., be encouraged--you're the parents, you set the boundaries. My eldest daughter is quite sensitive as well. My second daughter is very strong-willed & was an even worse sleeper. For us it took sheer repetition & confident, loving consistency to set a routine with no "crutches" or comforts. Let them know, night-time is good, sleep is good. There's nothing to be afraid of, their beds are a safe place, there's no action they're "missing" during the night. They look to you to define the world around them, so YOU are creating a reality of simple peace & rest, instead of the other way around.
Our kids when they're young trust us so much. Bedtime can be a such a sweet time to really establish their trust in our love for them, as they Take Our Word that night-time is gonna be ok & steer them away from External Comforts.
I think appropriate, love-filled boundaries (not just at bedtime) make deeper familial bonds & more centered, confident kids. It still took a lot of going back in the room (for several months) when they woke up, just to briefly sooth with the same words of love (we would try & keep it short & let them fall back to sleep on their own after calming down). And they WILL cry as you change the routine.
Whatever you choose to do, don't give up! And don't feel guilty--you DO love your kids, even if they fuss at you for changing things up.
Bless you!
p.s. My girls have shared a room since they were 4yrs & 18 mo.

Go you for being so sensitive to your children's needs at night! You must be tired. :)

It sounds to me like your kids do have that "suck to sleep" association, and it can be changed if that is no longer working for you. Check out the book "The No Cry Sleep Solution For Toddlers" by Elizabeth Pantley. She has too much great advice to paraphrase here. You can definitely help your kiddos change their sleep habits without resorting to having them scream. It won't happen overnight, but it's much gentler on the entire family. I'm a huge fan of Elizabeth's books. And maybe if you are following a "plan" to help the kids sleep better, your husband will be more supportive. Hang in there, and good luck.

I agree with a lot of Marda's response. Your children have "learned" these nighttime behaviors. I don't blame your husband for being grouchy--it is rough to have two toddlers who won't sleep through the night. It's even harder when you have friends or family who have youngsters who sleep through the night (knowing it's possible, but not happening in your house)! Part of his irritation might also come from your behavior, he may view it as "coddling" or "giving in" when he is ready to move on and let the kids be more independent. For the sake of your relationship, it's probably important that you, and HE, start to resolve this family issue.

As soon as my husband and I knew our daughter was old enough to sleep through the night, and she had been but stopped, she was around a year, we did CIO. It felt cruel the first two nights, but the third night she fussed and went back to sleep. By the end of a week, she didn't even fuss. BUT, she was younger and according to our pediatrician, after they hit a year, every week makes it that much harder to "un-train" the nighttime behavior.

Unless he has something that makes the middle of the night bottle medically necessary, a 15 month old can make it through the night without a bottle. Most pediatricians recommend getting tots off the bottle altogether at 12 months, so this might be perfect time to transition away for good. If he's thirsty, sippy cup with water.

Call your pediatrician, let them know exactly what you have said here. They might have some good strategies for your family to try. We had the Pantley book, and although we did let her cry it out, there seemed to be some good strategies for older kids. The Ferber book had lots of strategies for older kids, and he isn't a barbarian that forces kids to scream for hours, contrary to popular opinion.

Have you thought that perhaps you might also "need" the middle of the night time with your kids? It seems that you don't seem to mind all of it, but "blame" your husband for minding. I work full-time too, and the quality of my life increased big time when our girl started sleeping through the night!

We just weened our 23 mo. old from the bottle and I was concerned about the sleep process with this new process. My husband and I had a talk with her and told her that bottles are for babies, and since she is a big girl she doesn't need the bottles any more. We have a special time where she has her milk (although messy, she has this milk in a cup with no lid to make it more grown-up) and we read a book and say good night to all of her babies and then to her. So far so good with this techinique. Maybe you could get your 3 year old on that track. Explain to her that she is the big one and needs to show the little one the way to be a big kid. I think the kiddos are always looking for ways to make you proud and to demonistrate their independence. We also at times give our daughter a sippy cup of water to go to bed with (espically when the weather is hot) so if she gets thirsty in the night she has something to drink. Good luck!

As I am sure your pediatrician would tell you, your 3 year old should certainly be sleeping through the night now, no soothing, no bottle (all with her own self-soothing skills)...as is the same for your 15 month old. To help find strategies that work for you and your husband, I would highly recommend that you read the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. Lots of great research, no one-way solutions, many examples and cases to share. You will be able to form a good approach to the sleep challenges you have.

Dear J.,
There is a difference between "crying it out" and the sleep training method, which initially may have some crying, but doesn't mean that you don't respond. It means you respond with a calm comforting voice, but don't pick them up or talk, or turn on lights. You can prep your children that things are going to change and that sleep helps us grow and stay healthy and that when all of us don't get sleep we are more easily grumpy and drained. You can explain that when Mom's and Dad's are drained they don't have the energy to be as fun with their family and so we are going to work on getting better sleep in our house. Children who wake up will start to learn how to put themselves back to sleep. You have to make decisions about pacifiers and bottles...the sleep training phrase that we used and must come from Ferber, but I don't know I didn't read it, was, "I love you, I know your safe, I know you can put yourself back to sleep and Mom and Dad will be here to take care of you." Good night.
Two books that we found extremely helpful. Weisbluth's Healthy Sleep Happy Baby and Pacifiers, Blankets and Teddy Bears or something like that...that book talks about the importance of comfort objects and the importance and how to, to bring them to an end.
Best of luck.
Mary
Mother of 5 1/2 year old fraternal twins, work part time and very happily married.

Oh my goodness you must be one tired Momma. Your children's sleep issues are so common so don't fret too much. Talk to your pediatrician to make sure there are no medical issues and then put a plan together. Either with your ped or they may refer you to a book that they like. My favorite is the Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth. It will give you step by step help on many different sleep issues from newborn through adolescence and even some special sleep problems like allergies, nightmares, . It also gives you the option of No Cry, some cry, or extinction(cry it out) so everyone can use what works for them. This book has been a blessing for our family since our now 2 and 3 year olds were infants (they share a room also). We rarely have sleep issues but when we do I know what to do, that in itself makes everything better, and they learned how to go back to sleep by themselves. I hope you find your solution soon so that everyone can get some much needed rest!

My sister in law switched to water in the bottle and after a week of waking up and getting water in her bottle rather than breast-milk, her daugther stopped asking for it. I have to say I agree with your husband on the gate idea. Kids will follow the rules if they're enforced consistently. It may be hard for a few nights, but I bet you'll be surprised how quickly she gets used to it.

There is a book called "Sleeping Through The Night" by Jodi A Mindell.

It is a great book to read for helpful tips to help your child sleep through the night. It helped us out and our 3 year old is the best sleeper ever. J.

J.,

Your kids have had 3 years and 15 months, respectively, to get into this habit. It won't change overnight, and it won't be easy.

If they're just waking up because they're thirsty leave a sippy cup within reach of each of them and see what that does for the night wakings.

We use a modified cry it out method in our house with my 17 month old, and did the same thing with my 5 year old too. We give them about 5 minutes in the crib fussing to see if they can sooth themselves back to sleep. If, at any time, during that first five minutes the crying changes to a demand instead of a protest we go in immediately. If they are winding down at that five minutes we give them another five minutes to see if it will end. Again, if the protest changes at all we go in immediately. This seems to work well, and most often they are quiet again in five minutes or less.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

You can always throw out all of the bottles and replace them with sippy cups (just say these are our new bottles). They'll adjust if it's the only option.

I can't imagine lettng my daughter scream it out. She's only 1 year old and already knows how to play the game. Just last night my husband woke me up at 2am (he works evenings) saying that he couldn't get her back to sleep...she'd fall asleep on him and then wake back up as soon as he put her down in her crib. Mama to the rescue! There was no way I was going to sit up with her (she wasn't ill of course) Here's my trick...as long as she stay's in her bed she doesn't have to be asleep. I give her a picture book to look through, put on a classical music cd and turn the hall light on. Works like a charm. She wimpered just a couple times, but never cried and eventually fell asleep before the CD was even finished.

With 2 in the same room that's a challenge. If there's a 3rd bedroom being used as an office or something I'd say it's time to convert.

First of all, you should never put your baby down with a bottle. Also, three is way too old for a bottle. Your husband is correct, they are dependent (though it's hard not to see a 15 month old as a baby, and I'd probably still be nursing him or her when they wake at night or giving a bottle to put them to sleep). Does your home only have 2 bedrooms? If not, is it possible to move the baby out into a different room? My 12 month old slept in our room and often woke 2 to three times a night. Once I moved my 14 year old out of her room and stuck the baby in there, she slept on through.

Three years old is too old for the type of coddling you are giving her. She needs to build independence, but it needs to be done slowly, imho. Letting them cry it out won't work if they share a room--they will feed off of each other, and the 15 month old is too young to understand why mommy isn't coming. That and I think the CIO method is cruel at any age. Putting up a gate won't stop a three year old, either. When my daughter was 3 she'd wake up at 3am and go traipsing about the house, gate or no gate. Finally, I bought a door alarm that would go off if the door knob was touched. It scared the poop out of her the first few times it went off, but after that, she stayed in her room.

I am sure you have gotten a lot of good advice (haven't read it yet) so I will stop here. Personally, I bet if you had separate rooms, they would not wake up as often. If that's not an option, I'd slowly ween them off of both the bottle, and the night waking, don't turn on lights, talk, sing, coddle, etc. Just walk in and quietly lay them back down and leave.

Good luck! :)

It seems that you are forgetting who the parent is and the one in charge. As long as you give in to your little ones they will continue to control your nights. When people do not change the situation the outcome will be the same. In the night children do sometimes need to reasured. Go in tell them it is still night time and sleep time, cover them up and tell them you are going back to bed. period. or better yet do not talk to them, cover them up, pat them and go back to bed. Ask you husband what he sees as the solution, and listen. You both need to be on the same page with this situation. Before settling for bed let your precious ones know there is going to be change, no more food or drinks in the night, reasoning with children is possible and enpowers you. Best of luck. I was a perfect parent before I had children, then did the best I could.N.