Help with Almost 6Yr Old

Children can be as stressed as adults. What does her classroom teacher say about the behaviors you are seeing at home? Talk to the school's psychologist/social worker. Also, I would take her to doctor to rule out a medical reasons for the pain and even for the behavior.

First of all, you should take your daughter to her pediatrician just to be sure there's nothing physically wrong behind all of the problems she's having. Assuming she's OK physically, it sounds like she just feels miserable and doesn't know what to do about it. You say she's almost 6... has she just started all-day school? Is she having problems there too? A lot of kids get bossy and act like 'know-it-alls' around that time, but only at home. Are there any other big changes in her life? From what you've said, she knows that she's misbehaving and feels bad about it. It's good that she has a sense of right and wrong but she may be afraid she can't control herself. Maybe she needs to know you still love her even when she's 'mean, mean,mean', but that it's your job to teach her to behave better. She might be relieved to know it's not all up to her.

T.,

You seem to have gotten a lot of great advice from the other moms that have posted. You mentioned your daughter's self-esteem seems to be suffering right now, and that is normal for her age. But, you can help her see her abilities by the way you phrase praise.

For example, when she brings home an art project with a cow and a tree and shows it to you, instead of saying "Wow! That's really great, you are an amazing artist!" you should say "Wow! I really like the colors you chose and where you placed the cow and tree. Will you tell me more about your painting?"

By phrasing your praise in such a way you are pointing out her strengths. When you just say "You're a great artist," the statement can remind her of all the times when she wasn't a great artist and actually create more anxiety the next time she shows you a painting. She may unconsciously wonder if you will like her painting as much as the last time? What if you see the mistakes she made? Will you love her less if her painting is not as good as the last time?

I recommend you go to your local library and check out the book "How to Talk so Kids will Listen, & Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. This book is a great resource for all parents!

C..

T.

I don't think sticking your daughter in the 'naughty chair' (as one response went) is the simple solution to such a complicated problem. It sounds like there are two issues, one is physical and one is emotional/mental...but the two could possibly be related.

Coincidentally, my daughter went through some similar issues at the same age (physical aches, nervous picking, and being h*** o* herself). It was not until she was seven, however, that I really started to find connections. Every child is different, but my daughter's situation may be helpful. She had aches and pains constantly and would get 'stuck' on issues. When you said your daughter had made up that new song, it struck a chord. My daughter was always beating herself up too (even though she was acting out like most kids her age do...most children don't beat themselves up). I realized she is a "thinker" and almost-obsessive about certain/selective thoughts. Being of the age where she was learning so much right vs. wrong (peparing for her First Reconcilliation/First Communion), she was verrrry aware of how she was fitting into the "right" or the "wrong". And if she acted out toward me (I was really the only person she would be that way with), she would then beat herself up about it like she was such a bad kid. She wasn't acting out any more than other kids, and is actually a very sweet good kid, but is more of a thinker/dweller than my other older child.

On top of that, she had a really hard time concentrating in school, which prompted me to get her tested for food sensitivities (was not willing to try medication). She also had a couple of tiny patches of eczema, belly aches, leg pains, etc. Come to find out she was sensitive to wheat, egg and dairy (yikes!!). We took her completely off those foods for about 3 months. Within the first 2 weeks, her belly aches vanished, her eczema went away and she was no longer complaining about leg pain (?). She was less irritable with me and was a happier kid---hard to believe because she has always been really happy. She also seemed to stop obsessing quite so much. We did reintroduce each of the foods after 3 months (one at a time), and she is now able to eat them all again. We do have to eliminate dairy for a couple days here/there if her belly starts hurting again or she 'feels' itchy. But for the most part, those foods affect her differently now. This has also (coincidentally?) been a somewhat better year for her as far as concentrating at school.
She is still a thinker, but I try very hard to teach her (without her knowing it) that she can be more "who cares" (for lack of better description) about most of the things she thinks about. I try SO hard to keep that in mind when I, myself, am obsessing about my 'selective OCD' things.
Let's face it, we all have our own things that really matter to us but that may not matter to other moms/families...and we can all tend to get a little obsessive. I know people who think I am too uptight about the 'germ' thing while they would send their child to play a soccer/bsketball/etc. game with a fever as long as the child felt ok. Yet thse are the same people who are uptight about other things that I could not care less about (houses being immaculate, or their children making it onto a certain team/in certain club, or their children getting straight As, etc). The point is, that we can---as parents--all make things worse for a "thinker" child if we do not show (by example) our kids how to also take things in stride. It sounds like with all the nervous picking habits she has, she is quite a thinker/worrier...my daughter' nail picking faded in the last year.
I am not so sure about leg cracking-food connection? But the best overall advice I could give would be to go to a doctor who is open to testing for food sensitivities/other alternative practices besides the stereotypical tunnel vision most pediatricians have. Also, the fact that she sounds so tiny for her age brings the question of celiac disease (gluten intolerance) to mind. If she is intolerant but still eating it, she is not absorbing any nutrition/not developing properly because it has physically damaged her intestines. Don't flip out at that because it is just a thought, and that can be reversed too if she happens to have it. But again, the point is to talk to a doctor that is "open-minded" about conventional AND alternative analysis/treatments. Let me know if you would happen to like the name of the one we saw in West Bloomfield for my daughter.
Best of luck!

I think the current clinical term is Obsessive/compulsive behavior.

Have you implemented the naughty chair? When you tell her to stop doing something, and she defies you, put her in the naughty chair! for whatever her age is, in minutes. And when she stays there, explain why she was there when her time is up and exact a sincere apology from her with a big hug between you. Watch Supernanny! Great ideas here.

I would also get her examined to see what the problem with her bones could be.

Hello T., These are all signs of a child who has experienced trauma or great stress. I can't say what, but something major is going on. Please show this letter to her doctor, who will be able to help you best. Your daughter hates herself and she is only 5! Think of what it will be like at 15, she will be suicidal. This is more than you can handle by yourself. Please reach out for professional help. Good luck.

Read some books by Dr Kevin Leman. He is a Christian counselor and author. I am sure you'll find info to help in there. Good Luck

Hello,

I really feel you need to have your daughter see someone to talk to. Ask your doctor first, as it sounds like there is some stress-related issues going on. As a CMT, I do know that even young children deal with stress in the home, school and even daycare. (My son was traumatized at a daycare and I removed him immediately after the incident as he suffered night terrors from it.)

Just like adults - children will find unhealthy outlets for what ever is bothering them (and finally I saw a report about it on the news, so I was happy that someone else agreed.).

As for the joint-cracking - you should check with the pediatrician... Make sure her diet is well-round and that she is receiving all nutrients and minerals. There could be an underlying condition, but as a CMT and a parent - I feel we cannot diagnose or tell you what that is, only a doctor would be able to.

Good Luck and hang in there!

Hi T.! I hope I can help you with some of your daughters "issues"
1. My oldest boy used to do the same thing, come to find out it was due to the fact he was under a lot of stress. How to fix it??? Well, for us we used consistancy and soap and water. I would repeatly tell him to keep his hand off the scab, (He'd dig at them until the were big and infected.) I'd even at one time took a wash clothe with soap and water and scrubbed the area, this may sound cruel, but he'd gotten it as big as a small childs hand it was infected. Believe it or not, he quit picking after that. Now he only does it when he's extreamly agitated. (He's 16 now)
2. Sibling fighting is going to be a constant battle. You can nip the bossing her sister in the bud by reminding her that she is NOT the adult and it isn't her place to tell her sister what to do, and make sure the punishment is prompt, (find something she doesn't like and go with it) My 14 yr still seems to have the no bossing your siblingss around problem. I remind him that he is not the parent and it isn't up to him to make those decisions.
3. Once again this is when the punishment comes in, she can't listen to mommy and daddy, or any adult for that matter, then it's time out time, (or whatever punishment works for her.) Punishment is exactly what it sounds like, she's not suppose to like it, it will let her know you don't approve of her behavior and she needs to change it.
4. Ok this is a tough one, you don't want her feeling bad about herself, but then you don't want her using this method to make you feel bad for punshing her. I wouldn't exactly ignore this, I just wouldn't make a big deal out of it either. Tell something along the lines that you know she's not a bad girl, and that you love her, but don't let her fool you into letting her out of her punishment.(Just hope you don't go through the "I HATE YOU!!!!!!") stage!
5. You know, my 13 yr old daughter has the same complaint, everything hurts, most of the time I contribute the hurt to growing pains, but if the same spot hurts her all the time, it can't hurt to have it checked out.
My daughter seems to "crack" a lot too, ankles, wrists, knees, etc.... I also contribute that to growing up, but to ease your mind you can have a doctor look at her.
I hope I helped a little, one thing to remember is that this is another one of those "stages" that children go through. I have 4 children and at least one of them have tried one or two of these things growing up. My youngest son is going to be 11 on Monday, in a couple of years I'm going to have 4 teens. Believe me, teens open a whole new bag of worms! =]
D.

Hi T.,
I really think your daughter needs to see a doctor- but not just one who will automatically drug her. Seek out a doc who will do some tests and be open to alternative suggestions. The picking is serious. She also sounds underweight and malnourished- I don't mean this to sound like it is your fault, but something is going on with her metabolism. A good multivitamin might help and some protein-but please don't give her Flintstones or other store brand vitamins- these are made in China and contain lead and gypsum- honest! I have a file from the FDA and most vitamins are contaminated and this could add to her problem. Trust only a good brand like Shaklee nutrition. Let me know if I an help you. Best Wishes, M.

I am sorry that you and your daughter are going through a hard time right now. I think that you should take her to her pediatrician to make sure there is nothing physically wrong first but it sounds like she would really benefit from some counseling. People seem to be so afraid or embarrassed or whatever to have their child go to a counselor but it is very helpful. My daughter started having some anxiety problems after vomiting when she was 4. Whenever she would feel gaggy, like from congestion, dry mouth etc, she would start to panic. She wanted to quit activities that she previously loved and that panic started to affect eating. She is now 9 and we still see a counselor whenever we have a set back but her counselor has taught her how to push through uncomfortable situations and how to use techniques to calm herself. She is on no medication and in the end has tools to empower herself. It sounds as if your daughter might have some obsessive compulsive issues with the picking and she needs to learn what is proper behavior in regards to her sister, and help with her self-esteem. Counselors can give you suggestions on how to handle all of these issue if you are at a loss. I am obviously not a doctor but I really have found ours extremely helpful, even with behavior that I just didn't know how to handle. She always had really helpful suggestions. Hope this helps and know that things will get better if you are proactive. Don't sit there and wait for things to change, go out and get help. Best Wishes!

Yes take her to the doctor, once you have all medical concerns eliminated as a cause then go to a counselor for an evaluation. One too many things to deal with that you may not be able to recognize the signs of the obvious. Growing pains can be a sign of the general pain but there could be so many other reasons medically that youhave to have it checked out. The picking could be anxiety, and I know that sounds weird to have in a child, but it happens. They don't adapt to change like we do and some of the smallest things can set off problems. My kid started peeing his pants at 6 because we moved furniture around in his room it stressed him out so much, lasted about a week. Be a good advocate for your child to keep childhood happy, be proactive.

Hi T., I too have had very similar experiences with my son. My first thoughts when reading this were food allergies and most likely to Gluten. If kids can not process the protein in wheats, oats etc (gluten) it just turns to sugar in their body. This can make them behave in ways that they can not even control (hyper, compulsive, nervous, stressed etc.) My son is now 8 and is doing wonderfully. We do homeopaths and he takes a remedy called Limbic system for compulsive behavior like getting stuck on certain things or thoughts and can not move forward.(google the limbic system in your body and this will make sense), We also watch his gluten intake.
You would never know this child had any issues at all now.

Good Luck to you. I know how upsetting, stressful and frustrating this can be to watch you child suffer like this.
My son used to say......but momma, I was trying so hard to be good. He was aware that his behavior went beyond his own control.

I would call and talk to the dr. She needs to be checked for the picking issue and the behavor issue. Than mention the pain in the leg issue. The pain in the leg I am thinking is growing pains and popping theres so many growth bones that merge to the normal bone to extend the height and stuff. I would ask the dr. to also look into that. But the picking thing could be a type of disorder or if you know she bored give her something to do to keep her mind off of it. Could she be doing it for attention? ALso the picking on the sister and knowing she doing something wrong and feel bad about it all tell sme there maybe something there too. I would have the dr. look just to make sure she is very healthy and fine little on and if thats the case she might be doing all this for attention over the 4 year old. Maybe she doesn't feel enough of attention. Good luck on figuring out. I hope the best for you and your family.