Help with Aggressive Toddler

I don't know if this advice will help or not- but I read the book "1,2,3 Magic" and it had a lot of good tips on disciplining a toddler. I dont' like the style the book is written in (kind of condescending) but the advice was very helpful. It has worked very well in helping my toddler with her "sharing" problems. Good luck.

Dear C.

I can say that I have the same problem with my oldest daughter towards the youngest.I started noticeing it when I started letting her go to our grandparents house ALOT.She was the only kid there at papaws and didnt have to share her toys,but when she came home it was a big fight and i would always stick up for the youngest and yelling at the oldest.YES to be honest i thought it was the 4 year old starting it all but it was the 2 year old and i found out that it was because she didnt have to share her things when sissy was at papaws.it was a mess.So, when i started telling her that they couldn't play with anything if they was mean to each other.YES,it took about a couple weeks to really figure out that i was not playing around and the aggressiveness with them both slowed down alot.I was just woundering if your oldest aways gos somewhere and the youngest stays home.i have talked to a WIC person and they said that it was most likey the youngest gets a lot of attension from you,in front of the oldest(when she is home) and you not even noticeing.now I keep them both home together and let them both go somewhere together,instead of one at a time.Its really helped out my families problems and the arguing between me and my husband stopped.I really hope I have helped you and anyone with the same problem.

Hey C.,
Amazingly I have the same prob right now. My son just turned 3 in Oct & my daughter was 1 on the 1st of Jan. I realized just the other day that my son needs some space from my daughter. Sometimes I sit on the floor and play and try to keep Mya away from her older brother Juan. Ya know he want to build stuff out of blocks that his sister just destroys and then he gets mad. I try to sit and play build the block w/ Juan and have Mya be the Babyzilla that destroys the city and we have to drive the little cars and fly the planes away from her. It works so they both get attention. I think for awhile my son, Juan, was struggling for attention. Also when my daughter goes down for a nap Juan and I read his leapster book and play then he goes down to nap. I literally just started this a few days ago. I kind of took myself out of the pic and realized that my daughter was like antaganizing my son. Taking toys and just going after what he had and I know she is still a baby, but I make Juan share and I need to verbalize that outloud to Mya so Juan hears it. I'll say "Now Mya you be nice with ur brother.. or Mya no hitting" something stupid so Juan doesn't feel like he's the one that is ALWAYS getting yelled out. So far it's been working out for the past 2 days.. NO corner time for my son, it's weird but I think the positive attention for him is working and he doesn't have to try as hard for negative attention. Also we have this Shania Twain DVD and every morning he plays it with his drum or pots & Pans and his fiddle flute thing and we all dance and play even Mya, but it's the interaction and the thought of being able to combine their playing together and something for everyone. I don't know if any of this will help but for right now it's working for me. Good Luck!
M.

C.,

I have 4 boys and was told that #5 is going to be a girl. My boys are always complimented on their behavior and manners. They even received free sundaes at Cracker Barrel b/c the waitress was so impressed. Even without having a daughter yet, it is a fact that boys and girls are different. That said, your strong-willed son is even less likely to submit to positive talk and numerous time outs given this intense characteristic. Such disciplines are not "uncomfortable" enough for him to think before he repeats his actions.

Unlike many girls, his nature is not to change his behavior simply b/c you expressed your disappointment. First, I would recommend avoiding any bribes or empty threats. The truth is you expect a certain behavior b/c you expect it. You must communicate (verbally and non-verbally) that his cooperation NOT negotiable.

Second, I suggest announce to him a list of consequences that you are able and willing to implement. You must be willing to implement them even at an inconvenience to yourself (e.g. delaying an errand/task/dinner until his cooperation is complete, not attending an event, but not allowing it to become extra mommmy time for him, and leaving an event per his misbehaving.)

I give a few warnings with a consequence reminder. Then I respond according to their choice. Personally, I have found that 2, 3, or 4 smacks (not taps) on the hand (age 1-2) and on the bottom--must be felt through clothing--(age 2-4) have made the use of time out at age 5+ much more effective. The time out at an older age reinforces the expectation that the pain a few years earlier required.

All in all, if your son does not comply with you (female figure) during his 18 years in your home, imagine what kind of mate you are preparing for someone else's daughter.

it is being a boy. i have two of them and grew up with three. and everyone was like that. my older son who is four does that to my younger and at first my younger got really mad. and i would intervene. then i got to the poing were i told my younger if you tell him you don't like it and he continues hit him back. well that seem to calm the situation. my older knows now he cannot just run and jump on my younger with out consequences. but he still does it just not as much. he sits on him he tries to box with him, puts him in a head lock and thinks it is the funnies thing in the world. i suggest getting your little one a punching bag for little kids and let him take his aggression out on it. tell him if you feel the need to be rough punch this. every little boy i know is like this. good luck.

I use to take care of a child like this.
I don't want to scare you but he eventualy was more than his parents could handle and was put in a behavior school. I lost contact with the parents so I don't know how everything turned out. He was also a fire bug. # fire department calls and they got evicted and had to lie to get another apartment. He even set fire to the bed his dad was in the day after he set the 3rd fire.

I was the only one who had any control over him. He didn't like it but I let him rant and rave. He cold cocked me once. Funny how hard a 3 year old's punch can be.

Have him checked at the doctors there could be an issue that is brain related.

Next to that do a Dr. Phil Tough Love on him. Explain that bad boys and girls do not get toys. Take everything out of his room except the mattress on the floor. Tell him if he can be good for one day you will return a toy. If he relaspes remove it.

I know that's hard for his age but believe me he will learn.

The most important thing is that you must stay consistant with your punishment of his behavior and tell him why he is being punished. If you don't tell him and remind him while he is in punishment he is not going to remember. In the early childhood profession they are now saying to simply redirect your child. However, that isn't always the correct response when there is a safety issue. I wish you all the luck in the world.

I did the same thing with my son. He was also very agressive and I excluded him from everyone else: partly because of the fights and partly because of embarrassment. He wasn't calm like the rest of the kids, and I can honestly say that was the worst thing that I could have done for him. You just have to keep reiterating to him that he has to protect his sister. Tell him how big he is and that you are proud of him. Jealousy occurs with most kids--you just have to explain the differences between a big boy and a baby. Don't forget to give him some mommy and son time all alone so that he can still feel special. Take him to the grocery store or to the mall so that both of you can get some time away from the baby. He needs to know that he has your attention even though there is a new baby. He needs to play with kids his own age and it is just going to take time. Eventually he will let you put down the whistle and play with him too.

If it is really to the point that you describe, it is not normal. It is dangerous. He could seriously hurt your daughter.
There are many things that could be in play here. Jealousy is obviously the first that comes to mind. The second is lack of control. Children at that age have a need to have control over their surroundings.
My suggestion is this, designate an area that is ONLY his. It could be his own room, a certain area in a play room that has a chair and a blanket or something. Just so the space is all his. Let him decide what does in there space. Which toys, chairs, blankets, etc. Give him a limit on the number of toys allowed in the area at once (what will fit in a box or bag or if can count a certain number), and tell him those toys are just his as long as they are in his space. No one else will play with them while they are there, but if they are out of that space, then he has to share them. If he refuses, take that toy and one from his space.
Also, allow him to play an active role in his sisters care. Ask him, "Do you think we should change her diaper (is it stinky?)" or "What do you think 'baby sister' should have for lunch, why don't you ask her". If he feels involved with her, he will be less likely to hurt her. When he does hurt her, make sure he knows what he's done and take his space away, don't allow him there for the day and don't allow the toys in the space to come out for the day. Make it the whole day so each time he forgets and then wants is toys, he will be reminded of what he did to lose the privilege. He needs to QUICKLY realize that his behavior will not be tolerated.

Good luck.

his behavior is pretty normal...toddlers really don't understand the concept of sharing. in there minds everything they see is theirs and the world is still supossed to revolve their wants and needs. jsut for-go the playdates for a little while till he starts to grow out of it. his agression towards his sister is probably from jealousy cause he's not the center of your univers any more. just continue you disciplining, speak calmy and firmly to him and expain that his mistreating is not accaptable and will not be tolerated. i don't know your policy on spanking, but i believe in spanking(not beating) so if he needs one then give him one. some kids repond better to time out, some better to spanking. you have to try all sorts of discipline techniques to find out what works for oyur child.

Is it possible that he is jealous of his sister? Then, when you respond to his aggression by putting him in time out he sees it as withdrawing love from him while his sister (or the other kids) are still getting your positive attention, so he is still angry after the time out and repeats the behaviors. Aggression is the only way he knows to express those emotions. If this makes any sense to you, you should definitely read the book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. It's an amazing book--it helps you gain insight into the reasons children act the way they do, and then it tells you how to respond with love and compassion in order to understand and stop the behavior rather than responding with punishment and negativity and creating a frustrating power struggle.