Help with a 12 Year Old's Attitude...

S., First remember that she and the other children are not adults, You are. The only thing I will say is to put down your foot. Demand respect no matter what. That is what's wrong with so many kids now, no respect and it is suppose to start from home. Yes sure she is 12, and at that age, kids do seem quite different as far as behavior goes and attitude. I have a 15 1/2 old son, who I needless to say have to now look up to, but boy o boy he does know better. From time to time he too will try me, not for long he starts to act like a child again, a 10 1/2 daughter, who from time to time looses her mind and I have to check her, and a 9 1/2 old son, who usually likes to mimick his older brother. I am married and in my house they all totally respect my husband, their dad, and me too! No questions asked. I don't play around when it comes to respect!!!!!You should not either. Let me know if this helps. Concerned mom

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Hi, S.!

I can understand what you're going through. My son turned 12 about a week ago. I started noticing a shift in his attitude several months prior to his birthday, though. His grades aren't the greatest this year, either. My sister has been very helpful to me because I remember when her youngest daughter hit puberty. She told me that it can be a very difficult time, but that it's also very necessary that we keep the doors of communication open. Sometimes you have to get your foot slammed in the door, but do it nonetheless. As far as the screaming is concerned, that shouldn't be tolerated from her at all. My son has a tendency to try to "talk over me" when I'm saying something which drives me bananas. He gets pretty pouty when someone gets on his case for not doing as he's told.

I agree with your friends that yes, it's their age but we need to make sure they (and we) make it through that age as smoothly as possible. Children these days have to deal with so much more than we did at "their age", so we have to try to keep that in mind. If she wants to be quiet and not say anything, give her that from time to time. If her room isn't as tidy as you'd like, close the door so you won't have to see it. But, if it gets way out of control, put your foot down. Don't yell...don't scream...tell her to get it done. If she starts saying things like, "This is my room and it's all right with me," let her know in no uncertain terms (as calmly as possible) that she doesn't own a thing. Everything she has is a result of what you and your husband have paid for. And, that's the truth!

I know this has been long, but I'm so feeling what you're going through. First and foremost though, S., is PRAY, PRAY AND PRAY SOME MORE! You all will make it through. My prayer is that my son will make it out of 6th grade this year. The grades are unlike anything he's ever brought home before, but I know in my heart of hearts it'll all be fine.

Take Care!

C. T

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Well, I hate to say it but welcome to the adolescent stage. I have a very strong willed daughter (now 36) and we did survive and she is great (she now has 2 strong willed children and I just sit back and smile!!!). She grew out of this around 18. So pull up your boot straps and hang on for the ride, she is definitely worth the effort.

The only way to help her survive this is communication. I know she doesn't want to talk but try to communicate with her as much as possible. Do give her some freedom but only as much as she can handle responsibly. I used to tell my children that they have a rope around them. I can either loosen it up or draw it back in, depending on how they are handling situations. It is good to let them handle some things on their own. I stayed involved with her and her friends as much as I could. I took them places, I let them stay at my house, in fact I encouraged it. I did the same thing for my boys. I always felt if they were home, I could control what they were doing. They did have a place they could go for privacy but I dropped in occassionally for treats, etc.

Most of all I kept them busy. They all were involved with school clubs or sports, community sports, tutoring (was not an option, had to do it but was traded with a "want to" situation) and most of all the youth group at our church. We had a great youth director and he enjoyed the kids so much. If your church doesn't have a youth group, then I suggest you find one that does. Our prayers and faith kept my husband and I sane during that time.

I let the kids have parties but my husband and I were always there. I was told that the "word" was out by the other kids (not mine) that if you break the rules we will all have to go so don't. They kind of "policed" their own group. (We have had nearly 100 kids at our house before w/o instances==Praise the Lord)

Basically just try to be there for her. Give her some space but protect her and communicate with her. You can be her friend but most of all you have to be her mother. That is our job. Love her, love her friends. you will have to get to know them as well.

Good luck and God bless.

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It sounds like your daughter knows which "buttons to push" with you. I think it's important to ALWAYS speak to your child with respect. If they start yelling or talking with a bad attitude, it's VERY important that you stay calm, mature and respectful. In other words, you have to behave the way you what her to. If she starts down the yelling path, I would say, "It's not OK for you to talk to me like that; let's revisit this conversation when you can speak respectfully to me." If you have yelled in the past, I would apologize to her and tell her that you were wrong to do that. I would explain that it's not OK for her and it's not OK for you. I would link her negative behavior to consequences. In other words, you might consider telling her that if she can't speak and treat you and the other family members with respect, then hanging out with friends on the weekend (or talking on the phone, etc.) will not be an option. It's important that you communicate these new rules without emotion. It's important that she doesn't feel like you are picking a fight, rather, communicate that the new plan is that disrespect will have consequences. And SHE is in control of her choices. But this is the new plan. Allowing this negative behavior to continue and escalate is not "normal" or healthy. I would tell her that you are "on her side" and that your goal is a sweet, intimate, respect-based" relationship. Then you do your part to communicate unconditional love and acceptance of her (not her bad behavior).

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One thing I read that is disturbing is "she won't commit"...YOU are the parent and it is not her choice. The consequences are not enough for her if the screaming continues. do it Dr. Phil's way...take away one major item each time she does it - TV, computer,pillow, bedspread - not just take away privilege but remove the items from her access. Nothing speaks louder than an action taht says " We have talked baout this issue and this is a consequence taht YOU chose." Keep it out for a minimum of one week. and remember tha she might be sleeping on the floor before long but...

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A big part of her "attitude" came out when you said, you can't get "her" to commit? WHAT? Who's in charge at your house? It's not her decision to make MOM. Unfortunately, you're going to have a tough time from here on out, because you've allowed this during the most influential time of her life. If you're going to succeed in "breaking" this bad habit, YOU are going to have to be very diligent at becoming the MOM instead of her FRIEND. She's to old for "corporal" punishment. A lot of restriction, taking away extracurricular activities, etc. is going to be in order. Children demand "structure" and eventually it will pay off whether she likes you or not. Good luck.

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S.,

Wow, I can fully understand what your going through. I have an 11 1/2 daughter who is going through emotional changes as well. You know, I believe that being close to her and having open communication is the key.
However I have held a tight leash to make sure she knows I am the mom and she will respect that. Her father and I have made several choices to take away prividleges from her if she continues to have an attitude. Consiquinces (sp) for not following the rules were, taking away outside play time, no cell phone for a week, writing 300 times on a sheet of paper "I will not talk back." and last but not least we moved everything out of her room. She slept on a mattress and I picked out her clothes to wear everyday to school. I am proud to say she is much better and understands why we did what we did.

Tough love is soooooo hard. My daughter is my world and it's up to me to protect her and make her a resp. adult. Say your prayers, it will get better. Stay tough, your the adult and she should know this.

M.

My daughter went through the same thing with her now 17 year old. She followed Dr Rosemond's advice and had very good results. She would start a screameing fit if they would not go to the restaurant she preferred and with this one they would return her to the house, leave her there and go to eat with the younger daughter. She was pitching her fits about many other things too. They removed everything from her room except for very basic clothes to wear to school and her furniture. From this point on she had to earn everything else. All the parents owe to their children is a basic roof over their heads, food to eath and basic clothing. Within a week she started to improve. I'm not saying she never pitched another fit but they became far less and much shorter when it did happen. Screaming at parents is not acceptable behaviour. She also had the low grades. She had an entire behaviour plan to follow to get any priviledges other than going to school and church. You can go to Dr Rosemonds website and order some of his material and there is a wealth of info there. I think it's www.rosemond.com. V. Ellis

I disagree with your friends that it is "her age." There are plenty of 12 year olds that do not act this way, but there is also no short and easy answer. The best advice I know to give is to read Parenting Teens With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition): Foster W. Cline,Jim Fay. www.loveandlogic.com. I got it from the library and am almost through reading it. There are other Love and Logic books that are also very good, but I suggest you start with this one. It is a quick and surprisingly fun read. I think this will help you more than you can imagine. Good luck.

Hi S.! In my opinion, it is "the age"! For some the pre-teen years are great, for others they can be horrible! It is different for every family dynamic. I went through it with my son. I am a single parent too, I must mention-that makes a difference.

My advice, is establish some ground rules for how you will treat your daughter as "the parent", and how she will "respect you, as the child". It can be pretty hard to try this manuver if this is new to you. Our children transition in life and you have to transition with it-but you have to be ready. This transition has no room for emotionalism. (Scream in isolation-away from your daughter, if you have too!) Hold your ground. Always make sure she knows who's in control. Do not entertain her tantrums, let her argue alone. Assure her that her positive progression in school will take her a long way in life. Not doing well will end her up with just average results in life.

Love her toughly...yet love her. She will soon come to realize that it is not "you" that she is fighting with...

You may try to get your daughter to open up to another adult..ie friend, teacher, someone from church. She may need to talk with someone about how she is feeling but won't open up to you. If she was a good student and now her grades are horrible, there is something going on. Things that we think are minor are huge to kids at this age.

Ditto everything Cheryl said. I don't have any daughters but I can recall being very difficult with my mother at 12 and 13 yrs old and it was because of changing into a young lady so to speak. So ditto everything Cheryl said. My sister has two daughters and one is 21 the other is 15 they too have been the same age doing the same attitude. I even got my youngest niece some vitamin's hoping that would help her getting ready to start her cycle...it may have helped had she taken them. She is still testing her limits with her parents but by next year she will have figured out the ol' parents aren't as dumb as they look.
My best wishes to you, you can get through this.

Hai S.,

Am not very sure if I can be of any help since I seem to be in the same game. My daughter is 11 and half and she kind of have the same attitude like your daughter. All I know is that at this time we need to be very careful on how we handle these age. Its time when they can be too bad or change to be very good. Try to sit down with her talk to her take her out to a movie or dinner and explain to her that u were in some stage the same and life is very difficult if she is not careful at this time she will loss it all. Just try to put yourself in her position and ask her how she could feel if she was u. I dnt blame u or her we have a tough task ahead with our kids but with prayer and God's mercy we will overcome.

Rosemond works. as with any otehr some it has a reverse tehy hate you more (we're parents if we are doing it right they won't like us all the time)

anyway. midol will help also. My daughter is 9 and she is just starting into this so they are still spread pretty far out. So I give her a midol and tell her to go into her room until she can behave with the rest of us. As for her and all of the rest of us. we havea household rule.... you are allowed to be upset adn angry taht is ok and normal. It's HOW you handle it that we all have to seperate ourselves from the situation, calm down and be civil. we are family and we are all we have. Praying of course being at the top of the list. and remember something maybe going wrong at school on top of all the changes her body is going thru. with the added helping of having to grow up when secretly they all still need mommy and hugs and everybit of attention tehy used to get as babies. its a tuff time she is going thru. patience and prayer. and good luck to ya. I am right behind you with our daughter. remember you are not alone and the aliens will bring your baby back in a few years.

First of all I need more information but with the information giving me it seems that she wants to be the boos and that can not be posible I will recomend that you go to family conseling if siting down and talking does not help Also you can try taking away some privelegs to see if she starts behaving again

I have to chuckle. My daughter is now 25, and she apologized to me the other day for being such a pain as a teen! Girls do that! As my mother told me (I am 66 and mother has been gone for 8 years) when I yelled at her 50 years ago "Just you wait until you have a daughter of your own!"

Best thing to do is ignore it and let it pass. Remember "This, too, shall pass?" Well, it will. And the harder you work against it, the harder she will cling to the behavior you want changed! Turn your attention to the other two children. Make her feel like a grown up (ignore her) and shower the others with attention, affection, approval and hugs.

She may blossom in the shadow! My daughter explained to me that she had to push her way out of the spotlight which was (she felt) trained on me! A girl has to find out who she is, and who she is not. She is NOT like her mother! She hopes! She is.........well, to find that out, she has to push away!

I second the Love and Logic. It's an awesome way to parent and much more fun. It helps the kids own up to their problems and creates more responsible kids. Sometimes, you have to let go in order for them to grown up and take charge. www.loveandlogic.com