Seeking Moms with Seventh Grade Boys

I'm new to mamasource, but my email said that you are requesting me in particular to answer you question. If this is correct that you would like me to share my advice in this area, I would be glad to. Just let me know if that is what you want. I'm not sure I could type all that I would say -- maybe a phone call would be better. Let me know . . .

My questions to you are:

1. Has he typically struggled with academics in school??

2. Is he having trouble in relationships at school (ie: kids picking on him, hanging with the "wrong" crowd, etc)?

3. How is his attitude with you as his autority at home?

4. Was he usually bored with school because he understands it and is able to do it easily and he is always waiting for everyone else to get done with it? In other words, typically an advanced student?

5. Definitely puberty factors in here and they do have a major "change" in different-than-their-normal-self ways that they respond and act. Are you able to discern between that and blatant disobedience to your authority?

Just let me know if you want me to respond to this.

N. S.

1 mom found this helpful

You're not alone. I have a lot of friends who, including me, can relate to your 7th grader. I have an 8th grader. I've volunteered at his Middle School and have seen this behavior a lot. As they enter the teenager years, they will test and test and test you some more, but if you don't give up and stand your ground it will pay off in the end. He needs to know you're mom and you're in charge. It doesn't mean you won't respect him and talk about concerns, but that you make the final decision. My son knows his limits and that's very important. He knows when he's crossed the line and that both his dad and I are on the same page. He also knows there's consecuences for the bad decision he makes and I'm very consistant with that. Yes, he also loves sports, but that's because he likes it. My son doesn't like school at all, but he knows he still needs to do his best even if he doesn't like it. It's good to keep the communication line between his teachers and you open--it'll help you understand how he is in class, but it doesn't mean that's how it'll be at home. I have to remind my son, sometimes daily, that home is not school and he can't talk to me, his dad or anyone else disrespectfully like he hears kids do at school. We're not his peer friends, but his parents and adults who are responsible to train him how to be successful in life. If you don't give up on him, it won't turn into a serious problem. It's not easy--Hang in there and I hope this helps you some. A caring Mom.

He is just being fairly normal for that age....I coached boys that age in soccer for several years and they all seemed to be on the same page. You really need to set goals for things that he wants and things that he wants to do , trips, movies etc. if he does not comply in class than his life can become VERY BOARING. At that age they have to realize that they have to work for what they want and they have to face the problems that come with not getting theri work done. I have one son with a IQ of 175, runs in my husbands family and all I heard was he was boared and the teachers did not know what they were talking about. In live he is going to have to work in the field with many that do not measure up to his ideas and take orders from people that he may feel are as "DUMB" as his teachers but that is the real way of life and he has to learn it now.

Without knowing your son I cannot tell you if it will be a real problem but I had the same issue with mine when he reached 7th grade. He stopped doing his homework and liked to get up and walk around class and disrupt it and was somewwhat disrespectful to his teachers(previous years he was in GATE, did all his homework and did not get into trouble).
So it was annoying, but we just kept explaining how we expected his behavior to be and we pushed through 7th and 8th grade(he still got OK grades because he could ace all his tests).
We made sure we kept him in sports to take his extra time up, talked all the time to him about drugs and friends and kept a close eye on friends but I also told him" I will trust you until you give me a reason not to and then your life will change drastically and I don't think you want to find out what that may be like" Plus I threatened to take hockey away. He is now a sophmore in high School and his issues seemed to go away as he grew up. He is a GREAT kid, does his homework, is becoming more respectful in general- he spends his time playing hockey and golf and does not hang around the wrong kids. He will be a successful adult.
You have to remember at this age now they are trying to become independant. There is a fine line between allowing some of that independance while still showing you are the one in control. They try and take your control away, but if you are too controlling that backfires too. Always talk about what you expect(don't share stories of yourself at his age if they aren't the right kind). They will take that as a reason to do that themselves.
Then as they approach 16 hanging the car over their head works wonders-we let him get his permit 6 mos before his 16th birthday but then said he could not get his lic until he got a 3.0. He got a 3.2 and he has to maintain it to keep driving. So far so good.
Good luck- it is a very tough age and if he is not 14 yet-thats worse. Also this is a very,very important time to watch his friends and if they change suddenly or completley find out why!!

My daughter is also in seventh grade and I am going through the same issues with her. What I've found helpful is a bit of give and take. I outline my expectations of her quite clearly (especially when it comes to grades) and we go over consequences. She knows ahead of time that if she does not follow those rules, she gets grounded. However, if she does really well - she gets rewarded. I bought her some expenses running shoes after she took home all "a" during the first term. I've also enlisted the help of her basketball coach and he is a strong supporter. She's been grounded a few times causing her to miss some games so she knows I am serious. She tries to reason or negotiate, but I stick to my guns - remaining consistent is the key.

Some of it is also posturing at their age. They have to maintain their "rep" and sometimes that "rep" is not necessarily the rep that you want them to maintain. But they do grow out of it. My daughter was very "goth" in 5th and early 6th grade before she got into sports and got out of that stage.

C. - I appreciate what you are going through and I agree with the great advice you've gotten from other moms. Middle school is a challenging time. If your son was previously a good student then his boredom may very well be a reflection of the fact that public schools don't do a good job of challenging brighter students. Also, there are so many other things going on with them personally and socially at this age. There may be some other issues, but it can be tough to ferret them out because if you son is like mine, he won't want to talk about them. I don't know how often you see him interact with other kids, but I know some of my worries went away when I noticed that pretty much all his friends are going through the same stage.

Accademically, we've tried to help him understand that school is his job right now, and you won't always love every aspect of your job but you still have an obligation to do it to the best of your ability. If you have high but fair expectations, with consequences for doing a poor job or not putting in the effort, I think that helps.

Best of luck!

L.

C., As a mother of a 7th grade boy as well as a teacher, you should request a meeting between you and the teachers. At my school it is called a student study (SST). Here, there are three levels. The first step in the process is a meeting between all teachers and parents...possibly the principal or assistant principal and possibly the school psychologist. Anyway, this meeting is suppose to be set up to find out the difficulties of your son and determine GOALS that you, your child, and the teacher will be responsible for. Interventions become a part of your sons education. Then there is a followup to see if these interventions are helping meet the goal. If not, you move to an SST II and try new techniques, if these work, it is noted on the SST II follow up they stay in place, if not another meeting takes place SST II).

Ask for a meeting. This is your son's education on the line. I'm not sure if they have SST, but they do have to have some type of plan of action for this type of thing. Has other teachers complained about his behavior in school? Take that into some consideration as well.

Email me anytime: ____@____.com My name is S.

My Mother has been raising my sister's kids since birth. My niece is 17 years old and still in the 9th grade. She failed 9th grade because she didn't care, had no interest unless it suited her and she gave nothing but trouble in school. Her attitude was atrocious.
From what you describe here, all I'm reading is her behavior. My mother talked to her teachers as well. I don't know what it is in today's world, teachers don't give a .... all they can think about is how much their yearly salary is going to be and go on strike when it's not the amount they want. I'm sorry, I have issues here on that subject.
My Mother homeschools her now. I don't know if that's an option for you. It's the best thing Mother could have ever done. Because of this choice, my niece gets excellent grades.
If you want to explore this idea, you can put in the search engine in your computer homeschooling. I can also give you the company which my mother's going through and I'm strongly considering it for my 8 year old son when he starts the 3rd grade in the Fall. I hope this has helped.

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good questions nancy! i'm a teacher and wanted to chime in, but it would be very helpful if you answered those questions. talk to you soon!

quote from bobby's post: "I dont know what your school is like but the school my daughter was in the teachers never contacted me about any of her grades and such until report card time they figure we have edline to check up on them and its our job to make sure they get the work in, what happened to teachers helping when a child needs extra tutoring? teachers arent like they were when we were kids"

we have a similar grading system that can be accessed by parents and what alot of parents need to understand is that your child's success is a PARTNERSHIP. i assume that parents have access to their students grades, so if there is something that the parent wants to discuss in efforts to get their child to perform better in school, then they can schedule a conference. otherwise, we are moving on with the curriculum (especially with high schoolers). i work at a private school and some parents are tooootally content to pay for their children's bad grades, when they can fail out at a public school for free. so i find it ridiculous to put an extra workload on myself for a student/parent(s) that show they don't care.

you obviously care C., so if your son's teachers are not supportive, you may want to involve administration if necessary.

Make sure he is not being bullied at school, teased, pestered, sometimes kids at that age, do this to gain the attention when lacking friends at school, how better else to get noticed by other kids,act up. All it takes is one time, and he noticed the attention he got from it. If none of these reasons are the problem , maybe getting him into some sort of sport soccer, baseball, youth teams at the park, does not cost hardly anything, and the season last about 4 weeks. Since he loves sporots why not use sports as an incentive if his grades and attitude improve reward him with taking him to a live sports event. Or sign him up on a park team.
Good luck

Hi Candace,

I can understand your concern as a parent. And I also remember being a bored student--I got stomach aches. Fortunately, I was skipped half a grade and the problem went away. (Much later, I realized I was angry that I was bored, and took it out on myself--often a female way of dealing with problems.)

As a Certified Family Coach here in Mar Vista--and not a mom of a 7th grader--I support all family members in taking action consistent with their values, goals, dreams and vision. So for your son, I would suggest that he can learn to make choices regarding his attitude, beliefs, assumptions and behavior at school that bring him success. I'd ask him lots of questions, like: What IS success for him academically? What can he do, proactively, to create interest/excitement, rather than boredom? What is it about sports that he values? What are his goals? Where and how can he use his power in this situation? And is he willing to?

It sounds like you have a pretty neat son at home....and there may be things you (or you and your spouse/partner) could do to enhance his chance of success.....does he feel he can trust you with his real feelings and thoughts? does he feel understood by you? There are some dynamite communication techniques kids and parents can learn that foster taking responsibility and self-learning.

Let me know if you'd like to talk. I'm at ###-###-#### or you can email me at ____@____.com.

--R. Gurse

Hello C.. It is so coincidental that I happen to see your request as I also have a son in the 7th grade that is having the same exact trouble as your son. I've taken him to counseling (not working out as he won't inform the counselors what the problem is/what's bothering him) and it's actually wasting their time, although may be different with your son. My son has been diagnosed with "ADHD" and is currently on medication (not my choice) although it doesn't seem to be working so now I again out of luck. I've done all the things you have done and come up with no solutions. I'm not sure what location you're at, although I live in the South Bay Area and got this counseling recommendation from the school. You may want to ask the school where your son attends and I'm sure they can advise. Please keep my posted on your responses as I can really use them too and maybe we can meet in person to discuss our situation. :) I'm very sorry that you're going through this as I know it's very difficult.

My son was just like yours. He's 15 now but when he was in 7th grade my well-behaved son started acting up in class, becoming the class clown, disrupting others and his grades started suffering. It wasn't an issue of him having other things to do to get energy out because he already played sports all year long. Football, baseball, wrestling. It was after having conferences with all his teachers I found out that he completes his work faster than other students, gets frustrated when questions are asked and other students didn't know the answers so he'd just blurt them out. He'd get good grades on his tests but wouldn't do homework because he said it was too easy. Well, after having him tested we found out that he was in classes too easy for him and he wasn't challenged enough by the teacher or his peers and subject matter. We moved him to a private school where he is challenged and where they tailor to gifted children. He is thriving now and the behavioral problems have stopped. He still blurts things out sometimes and tells me he gets frustrated sometimes but it's not a problem like it was.

i have a 7th grade boy and an 8th grade daughter. they are so opposite in certain ways. my son is more the opposite of yours. the attitude comes out at home. he is very quiet at school and has always gotten good grades. what i have noticed is he does seem bored with school. nothing really seems to excite him. he hardly has homework and not sure if he does it when he has it but stays on honor roll.

so i guess my point is, maybe the work is too easy or just doesnt intrest him. i think this is often the case and not that they cant do the work or are bad kids. keep incouraging the sports and remind him with out the grades and behavior he wont be able to continue with the sports.

i have had the problem with the school not being concerned. just keep pushing the school until they help you. most have ways you can daily monitor there work and other programs available, you just have to keep pushing for the help.

good luck. be patience and consistant with him. i keep reminding mine that im here for him to talk to if he needs anything. and its always best to use your words.

Hi Candace,
I have a 7th grade son aas well. He is also very good with sports statistics as well ! His grades on the otherhand leave nuch to de desired. I constantly reminf him that he is bright with unlimited potential. I have been trying to work more with him in the evenings (when I get home from work) and support him in everything he does. We try to balance discipline with praise and to the best of our ability apply Godly principles. I have to CONSTANTLY remind myself that it was God who created him and He therefore has a plan fro his life. Seek God's guidance....He's standing by with the solution. God Bless You ! Tamara

Hold ON! He will get through it. I was administrative staff for a K-8 school for 8 years. My job the first few years was with the middle school program. I truly believe that this is one of the hardest years for boys. I am the mother of two boys now 21 and 17. They both had very difficult years in the 7th grade. 8th got a little better. My suggestion is that you have clear and reasonable expectations of him and even try asking him how you can help him get through the year and enjoy it. Find those thing you can praise him for, like the sports knowledge and if he plays sports, keep encouraging him there. Good luck and it's not to early to help him start looking at colleges and even going for a college tour or sporting events to keep him looking forward.
S.,
Santa Barbara

My son is in 8th grade now and began the wonderful puberty journey last year. He is in all honors courses and his grades fluctuated soooooo much. The key for us was constant nagging, punishment (i.e. taking away privleges), checking his grades weekly. He could usually raise all grades by report card time...but before that time, they were all over the place. This year is a little bit better...except now he's into girls. Puberty sucks and so does the attitude that goes with it. Hang in there and be sure to choose your battles wisely :-)

Hi, C.,

I've taught teenagers math, English and swimming for over ten years. I think that horomones are overrated as a cause of disruptive behavior as not all teenagers "act out." I am not saying that kids that "act out" are abnormal. I'm just saying that each kid is unique. What I've observed of kids who "act out" and say that they are bored is that they usually are one of the following: (1) bored because they are underchallenged; (2) frustrated because they don't understand the material in that subject (most common category); or (3) have ADD or ADHD. I would recommend the following: get him tested by the school psychologist and a Sylvan Learning Center to determine his strengths and weaknesses; sit in his classes one day to just obeserve the students; stress that he be polite to people no matter what he thinks of them. (Self-restraint will get him far in life.)

Good luck,
L. E

Hi C.,

My son is 13 and in 8th grade but we "solved" this problem so I thought to share my experience with you. Get him a video camera! Seriously. My son started Video Production at school in 6th grade. This is a 3 year program and he is now in Advanced Video Production. He anchors the morning news on campus. He now understands all of the ins and outs of creating a broadcast for school. His video production teacher noticed the young men on campus were bored with the usual classes and started a program teaching them everything from writing news copy to editing stories for broadcast, to using the teleprompter equipment, lighting, and all of the computer equipment involved in putting on a 5 minute program each day. The boys alternate between audio (they love to pick the music) and producer and director and sports anchor and so on....My son is sooooo excited about school now. He wakes up early to be on campus early and he is allowed into the broadcast booth early to prepare for his "show" each morning so he almost feels like a celebrity! He is excited about the quality of each program since the teacher gives the boys full credit on screen and he will even wear a shirt and tie for some shows! Now my son wants to be a movie director when he grows up! Amazing. Prior to this program he was a bit bored with the cirriculum and didn't have a "niche". Now he has a "home" on campus and it has made all of the difference. See if you can find a "home" on campus for your son. If he has a "niche" that is all his own and one that he loves....he will be excited about school, his future and everything else. My son must maintain his 3.50 GPA to qualify for Video Production each year so that is his motivation. I never have had to bug him about homework since he entered the 6th grade! This Video program did all of the motivation for me. Try to find out what your son may like. Music/Dance/Drama/Band/Sports. Once he has his niche and understands how keeping his grades up allows him to take advantage of the "fun" programs...then he will be motivated to keep his grades up on his own. He may be the next best sports announcer!

Good luck,
Keep us posted.
T. A.

well I dont have a boy but i do have a 7th grade girl... she has had her share of issues with school I even had her in sylvan.. The only thing I can think of to do is take privlidges away it seems to help I know you probably feel like a broken record as I do when I have to either ground her or take the pc or something else away that she loves or likes to do when she dont keep her grades up or behave right..I know the teenage years are a tough battle at times... I dont know what your school is like but the school my daughter was in the teachers never contacted me about any of her grades and such until report card time they figure we have edline to check up on them and its our job to make sure they get the work in, what happened to teachers helping when a child needs extra tutoring? teachers arent like they were when we were kids.......I wish you luck... does your son have any sports he is involved in or anything that you can take away till he pulls his school work up?

Have you thought about the fact that he might be gifted? My son use to get bored and just do weird things (like cut off an eyebrow!) until he was tested. Now he's attending a school that is soley for gifted children. All is wonderful now. Good luck!

My son is now in 9th grade and is doing better, but there is still some struggle. He was always a very good student, but when he hit 7th grade he became very much what your son sounds like. I've heard it is just something many kids go through. They say boys usually start in middle school and girls in high school. Some of his teachers were very supportive and others were not. He is also very into sports and we decided to use that to help motivate him. As soon as we got notice of poor grades and lack of participation we sat him down and went over the rules with him... homework to be done before playing, t.v. watching, phone, etc. Grades must be at least in the B range. If a C showed up we talked about it with him first and then with the teacher, after all for some kids certain subjects are just harder for them. If the C wasn't due to lack of homework or poor participation then it was okay, but we worked with him and the teacher to figure out how to make things better. I found the key to teachers that don't seem interested is to just stay on top of them. Most of them, if you show them you are truly concerned and are not going to drop it then they are more willing to take time to help you. And if not, don't be afraid to go to the councelor or principal and be prepared to show that you have made many attempts to approach the teacher. Finally, my sons participation in sports is directly related to his grades. In order to participate in after school activities he must be actively participating in school. If he is missing homework or doing poorly on tests or in class with attitude then he does not go to practice which usually affects his play time in the next game. When he brings home great grades on tests or report cards he is rewarded with going to a sporting event of his choice. He loves baseball so we often go to Dodger games. Now that he is in high school he is doing much better because he is at risk of getting kicked off teams for missing practices. From the beginning we have always kept his coaches informed of what our policy is and they have all been supportive and many even ask him about his homework and grades. It is hard on us to constantly be up to date on his assignments and making the constant phone calls or e-mails, but it has really improved his progress. In fact we just recently rewarded him with a cell phone for bringing home straight A's for the first time ever!!! Of course in order to keep the phone he must maintain A's and B's.

C.,

I read through many of your responses but felt that I still needed to respond.
I want to bring up the Multiple Intelligences and how they might be important in this situation. First off I think that you should have your son tested so you know if he is placed in the correct classes, difficulty wise. Then talk with your son about the 8 different intelligences that there are (I have handouts about this if you are interested. I can scan and email them to you. I was a director for a youth program for a while and we used them for our kids and volunteers to learn more about how they are uniquely made to be...themselves.)
It is obvious your son has a very high Bodily-Kinesthetic Intelligence along with possibly Logical-Mathmatical Intelligence because of his love for stats. I have found that if a child is low in an intelligence they can learn more by using the intelligences that they are high in. Such as learning about Math by using Sports.
I think it helps for kids to know that their intelligence is no less important than just the "book learning" intelligence and possibly will even be more important as they grow up and use it in the adult world.
Here is an excerpt from one of the handouts-
"All the Intelligences work together in complex ways. They do not 'stand alone' but rather are always interacting with each other. For example, when playing a ball game the child needs bodily-kinesthetic intelligence to run, kick and catch, spacial intelligence to become oriented to the playing field and to anticipate the trajectories of balls, and linguistic and interpersonal intelligences to successfully argue a point or shout out instructions to teammates."
In middle school they are just becoming aware of who they are. Let you son know that he is uniquely made and there are special things about himself that his class mates do not have and vis versa.

Hope this helps.

Evelyn

It is not just 7th grade boys. All kids are smart and use that line. I learned this from watching several grow up. Letting them get away with the line "I'm bored" is not acceptable. If your child is not acting the same at both school and home then he/she should be treated accordingly.
No money for anything, make them take bag lunches. No fun, nothing.

School is the most important thing kids have to do. If you want a well adjusted adult after 18 years then make sure they know that School is not an optional daily activity. Sports and TV are though and those optional activities can be taken away because he/she are not doing the one thing in life that is their "JOB".

I have friends who let the excuse "I'm bored" be ok and it is not. If he/she is bored then why arn't they getting A's and at the head of their class. One friend has a son that was "Gifted" and because of the "I'm bored" thing, he made it out of high school by the skin of his teeth. Now he is working at the mall and not using all those smarts he started out with. We as parents have to be the strong one in the family and push the things we know are right for our children even if they don't like it. Yes, we would like our children to think of us a cool and easy to get along with. Well.... don't you think they should bring something to the table also?

As you can see this is something I have lived with. My own daughter (now 20 going to City College and teaching in a after school program and saying she wants to be a teacher. I laugh because it took me walking around with my foot up her butt for 4 years to get her graduated. Can you imagine how I looked? lol) is now a well adjusted adult. So something must have worked. Don't give up, if you have to yell, cry and use guilt. All is fair in love and making sure you do are proud to say "That's my kid".

Good luck, every parent needs it. That and to stay one step ahead.

hey candace, i have a seventh grade son w energy to burn. have you thought about having him tested for honors??? my sons teacher told me he knew how to be disruptive w/o makin a sound. he would touch others papers or slide stuff across the desk. he was in gate in elementary, but failing his jr high classes. he was bored w some strugglin in others. he applies himself now and we have incentives.

Good Morning Sunshine!!
He must be a wonderfull boy , your son! ... and some of the things he says - lead me to wonder :
Have you heard about an EQUiVALENCY - Test ?
Children need to be recognized for their genius -
that'swhy we have equivalency tests ... please
ask the school ! It might be to early , my son is in 11th grade & will take one this march ....
GOOD LUCK !

Yes, a lot of it is just his age. Those early teen years can be pretty tough on anybody. Most of it, though, is probably the fact that he's bored. See if there are accelerated classes you can put him in, or even a different school you could transfer him to. (One of the reasons we now homeschool my 7th grade son was because he was tired of waiting for the rest of the class to finally "get it." He was ready to move on long before most of his classmates were.)

The more choices you can give him, and the more that he feels he has a say, the better he'll do. If he hates one math or science or English class, find another with a different focus. It's important that he's engaged in his education. I hated algebra, but geometry made much more sense. Earth sciences bore some people to tears, but they love life sciences.

The hardest part of the equation, though, is undoubtedly going to be his feeling of, "Why do I have to do this, anyway?" One of my now adult children, who is extremely bright, had a very hard time doing any work that she didn't think was "fun," and didn't see why she had to do subjects she wasn't interested in. When she got into high school and had more choices, she did better, because she could pick and choose. She still didn't do her best in classes she didn't like, but she did decent work. After complaining that, "College doesn't sound like any fun," she discovered that there were specialty schools. She ultimately chose to attend culinary school (she made the honor roll, and found a job in her field even before she graduated.)