What are some ways to deal with tantrums related to having to have things a certain way? Daniel doesn’t tantrum too much, and I can often reason with him before he gets to that point most times. I'm checking with his developental Preschool teacher as well.
A couple of days ago at the end of the day, I went to pick him up at daycare. He was having fun so I got his backpack off the hook. HE wanted to get it off the hook, so I put it back since he asked nicely (when I corrected him) – but I apparently put it on the “wrong” hook. I’d walked across the room, and he was standing by the hook his backpack was on – but he was in upset mode and wanted ME to put it on the hook it “needs to be on” so that he could get it off. I was 15 feet away, and he was right next to it. Power struggle ensued – I explained, he said “no, needs to be on that one… YOU need to put it on…”.
It wasn’t rational, and I really want to help him not get stuck in behavioral “needs” like that if it’s at all possible. I ended up using loud stern voice a few times. And then I just took the backpack off the hook and walked away with it. Exhausting for both of us. He continued to tell me how it needed to be on the hook next to the jacket because they go together.
Is this kind of thing common? Is there anything I can do to help him not “need” to have things this way? How can I handle this? I don’t want to give in cause I don’t want him to be stuck if things aren’t “just right” in the world. Sigh…
And this morning, I put his backpack in the front seat cause we had parked in a different place. Hi DIDN’T notice till we got to kindercare. He told me he wanted to get it, and actually put his backpack in its “regular” spot and got back in the carseat so he could get out with it like he usually does.
Is this stuff manageable?
Thanks mamas - I don't want to be a pushover mom, but I so want to help him deal :)
Keep the info coming!
Part of it is the age and trying to stick to a routine.
Remember this battle for the next day. Instead of just going to get his stuff to help him along, stand near the door, or go to him and have HIM get his stuff. Don't get it for him unless he asks.
As for the backpack in the car, instead of just placing it where its easiest for you, just ask him. 'Backpack, with you?'
My son has come a long way. He used to be extremely rigid - same cup, same plate, same this, same that. Over the years he's had occupational therapy to help with him being so rigid, he's also been in daycare (kindercare also)with other neurotypical kids, and a special ed. preschool - all of this combined has helped his development. We also, through the help of a behavioral therapist, started 'play therapy' which is where you play games, but it's parent directed.......I am assuming if/when your son wants to play he wants it his way and only his way (that's my son too) - we still struggle with his 'control issues' but have gotten better over the last few years.
Best of luck to you as being in our shoes certainly isn't easy all of the time.
I recently started reading a blog: Outrunning The Storm.......I found the blog on Mamapedia actually as she recently was featured "I will not be that mom anymore" (I believe that was the title) - I have found so many of the stories she's shared to be nearly identical to my experience and reading peoples comments is so helpful as well. Just started a few days ago and have already found a few tips I haven't thought of.
I definitely recommend cognitive/behavioral therapy. This will give him tools to maintain his composure and coping mechanisms for the future.
Also, as any parent will say, whether they are parenting special needs or neurotypical children: PICK YOUR BATTLES.
If you know he's at that breaking point...just put the bag in the spot he's asking for. You can work with him on being more flexible when his mood is conducive to "training." But when he's emotional and moody...that is NOT the time. If you keep pushing in these instances, you are helping to create that tantrum.
Best of luck to you!
I am with you!!! My son acts/acted like this too. He used to be one that when you dressed him (before he could do it himself) everything had to be right side first. Right foot, right arm, etc etc etc
He always had to go first to a pervasive level... He had to have everything blue, He NEVER put his shoes on the wrong feet. (One time he did and noticed it in the car... he started FREAKING out like his feet were on fire and I had to pull over--thinking he was hurt-- and get his shoes off and calm him down)
It's like I just said, it's that pervasive level he takes it to. He is still like this. One event can happen and he will totally fixate on it. I am constantly telling him it doesn't matter, forget about it.
A wise Behavorial Therapist once told me that you can't accommodate their rigidity because the real world will not. I can make sure he always gets the blue spoon, but when he's in Kindergarten and kids are grabbing different colored items nobody is going to reserve the blue one for him.
Like other Mamas have said, you have to pick your battles though. There'd be times we'd be running late and I'd let him go first so I wouldn't have to deal w/it. There'd be times I wouldn't want to deal with the struggle and I'd make sure he got the blue one. etc. But.. there have been times I've been the blue pawn on purpose in a game or whatever. He has come a long way and is still very rigid, but not like he once was.
I think there will always be something... we just have to stay one step ahead!!!! Best of Luck!!! Autism is something that can bring a lot of emotions, but I think there is also much joy.
Pick your battles.
It is much easier to go with the flow and then discuss why it must be so than to butt heads over it. When they are upset there is no communicating with them so get them to a point where they hear you again.
Think about it this way, what did he learn from the backpack? He learned the bigger person gets their way. Seriously if he is anything like my Andy that was his take away.
I am usually better at explaining this, I apologize. A friend of mine just this morning explained it pretty well. Normal people see things in a way we cannot. A normal mind adjusts for what isn't quite right in a picture and accepts the whole as perfect.
We do not see the whole we see the parts of the whole and feel we must correct and address the imperfections. In the backpack you saw the whole, you needed the backpack and then you needed to go to the car. Who picked up the backpack didn't matter nor did its location. When you can only see the parts of the whole you just changed everything by moving that backpack.
I hope this helps.
Oh and yes it gets a lot easier as you get older. :)
Perfectly normal stuff. My daughter is very much like this......My son does it when he is tired...Not sure what it has to do with Autism. I thought this stuff was "normal."
A book i read suggested to make it their problem, and their problem alone, when things aren't "just right."
My daughter is very much the same way. She needs to be able to expect certain things to be a certain way because so much of her world is out of her control. Part of it is OCD. It's very much an autistic behavior.
I can't tease her about it, but I do blog about "Gracie's Rules." Some things just... are. They HAVE TO BE a certain way and no amount of arguing or trying to "logic her out of it" can change it. She's gotten better about some things but she's still very rigid about routines and clothes and food and many other things. We just try to use a lot of it to her advantage.
Hey -
My daughter does not have autism, but she is REALLY bossy. Honestly, in regards to the backpack on the hook situation, I would acquiese because I would think she is right - I took it off and then I put it on the wrong hook. So, I would have taken it off of her and put it on the right hook. It's not her fault that she is expecting to do something a certain way and then I "ruin" it for her. In regards to the backpack in the car, I would start having him take it into the car with him and putting it where he wants to put it - then, there are no questions about where it is.
Personally, I'm a HUGE fan of getting the kids to take responsibility for their own things. So, my kids do carry their things out to the car now. Ironically, my daughter (4) puts her lunch in the front seat because that is where I put it for so many years before she started carrying it herself. So, even now, she puts it into the front seat and then when we get to school, she leans into the front seat to pick it up. I think it is kind of funny, but I don't really care where it ends up - as long as we have it.
My understanding with Autistic kids is that they REALLY want the routines to be the same. So, in order to avoid meltdowns, you should probably start building those routines - which will include the two things you just mentioned, plus probably gobs more. And honestly, if it is your fault that things are not going according to the routine, you should apologize and acknowledge that you messed up and do what you can to fix the situation (such as putting the backpack back on the right hook).
Good luck!
L.
