A Case of Terrible Twos or OCD?

She is just working you sister! I had one boy that never had the "Terrible Twos" and one who must have created the definition to the "Terrible Twos". Obsessive is the best way to describe it, he would sit on the ground and whale if his shoestrings were uneven among other obsessive breakdown reasons. It was crazy and embarrassing! Ultimately, I caved sometimes but also had to hold my ground other times. I made a judgement call as to what was important and what wasn't, also I had to decide when he was being controlling and when something was a true issue. For example, I would re-tie his shoes because I felt like he just liked that kind of detail, however, when he wanted to go back and retrace steps because he didn't like how he walked them I wouldn't let him. EVERY time he threw a fit though, I would pick him up and put him in his bed and let him whale it out. It is so hard to sit and listen to them, but if they know they are getting to you they will keep doing it. Eventually they learn that the tactic does not work. He is 3 1/2 now and still has his moments here and there, but is such a good boy now and very few breakdowns.

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As the mom of a 2-year old boy, it sounds completely normal to me. At least I hope it's normal because it's exactly what goes on in this house. Your post made me giggle a little because it is SO the norm for us. It is surprising, though, when he gets so upset at something so trivial to us.

And it seems to be worse the more tired he is. For example, yesterday, he didn't get much of a nap - not sure if this is an age thing too (but probably a good topic for another post). We could barely get through dinner, and every tiny thing was cause for a major reaction. I know it was because all he needed at the time was sleep. It was frustrating to me, but I tried to stay calm and just get through it. We took a time-out together (sat on the couch to calm down) because I think he needed some cuddling instead of separation from me during a true time-out. Hang in there!

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Hi H., I also have a 2.5 year old and he's a handful. One thing that has been helping us has been giving him a choice with just about everything: "do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt today?" "Ok, so would you like the tan shorts or the denim shorts to go with that?" "Cheerios or frosted flakes for breakfast?" "would you like your milk in the red or the yellow cup?" "Would you like to get into your car seat on your own or would you like me to put you in it?" Etc. give her a choice with everything that you can and it will eliminate some (not all) of the other power struggles. Good luck!

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Most likely its just a phase. My oldest wanted to do everything she could by her self at that age. In my opinion the best thing you can do is set clear boundaries. Give her as many choices as you can. Let her dress herself, or shoes, or what she wants to eat for breakfast. BUT, only give a few choices at a time. At that age too many choices aren't good either.

For example, breakfast, if you eat cereal in the morning, give her two choices of different cereals and then go with that choice. Or give her the choice of two acceptable outfits and then let her put on as much of it as she can. If she wants to get in the car seat a certain way, let her, unless you need to do it a different way and then don't give her the choice. You are the parent.

I heard a saying once that kids are like cattle. They like to walk their fences. Cows will walk around and around their fences looking for weaknesses so that they can get out. They may even lean on them to see if they can get the fence to break. Kids are just the same. They will try to push their limits and try to find out what they can get away with. They don't do it maliciously, they just want to know what their boundaries are. Kids are happier and able to cope with the world better if they have their boundaries set early on.

So, in your situation, definitely let her grow by setting up choices and situations in which she feels in control. But also don't give in when she starts throwing tantrums about things that you make her do. If you are somewhere public, then, even if it is inconvenient, drop what you are doing and take her away from the crowd. Sometimes the hold her till she calms down approach is helpful too. Just hold her in your lap calmly but firmly and don't let her down until she calms down. Let her know about your expectations of whatever you are doing before hand. If you need to hurry and put her shoes on for her, let her know ahead of time that "this time mommy needs to do it, but you can do it next time." Let her know that sometimes things need to be different and that is ok.

I know this is a lot to think about. I hope it made sense and that I didn't just ramble on, teehee. This is just a very important subject to me. I have A LOT of family in education and we see the difference a parent can make in a child's life if they set smart boundaries and help their child understand about choices and limits and appropriateness. And yes your little girl is old enough to understand the basics of these principles. Good luck and enjoy your little one.

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I don't want to alarm you, but my nephew who has (mild) Autism exhibits obsessive behavior about silly things like his shoes and his toys being lined up just so, you may want to have your daughter evaluated by a developmental psychologist.

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It is completely normal for a child her age to want to do things completely on their own. You can offer helpful suggestions, but this is a time to pick your battles. Some things need to be enforced or changed and some things don't. Let your little one explore and learn. If you are constantly telling your little girl how to do everything, how is she going to learn on her own.

I have 4 children, one of which is still going through the "I want to do it" phase and he has definitely learned and is doing more than I though he would. Good luck!

Make it a GREAT day!

S.

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it's not ocd. . . toddlers like predictability and to be independent. . . it's not as "intense" with all tots, but it's certainly there with all tots. . .mine was more intense and i have a friend who also has a little one who won't walk through doors unless HE opens then, now wants to push the "handicap access button" and freaks if someone else does that or pushes buttons in the elevator. . .they aren't fully able to communicate their needs, to freaking out is one way to do it. . . maybe see the things she likes to do and just let her do those. . . the fight often takes more time, or the doing it for her and then having to start over and let her do it herself. . . often takes more time than just knowing the things she'll want to do on her own and allowing a little extra time for those things. . . with my little one, it was like if i did something she wanted to do, there was no way to calm her from the disappointment without just going back, undoing it and letting her do it herself. . it's a phase. . . now she requests that i put her in the carseat most days. . she's 3 now. . .this too shall pass!! encourage her in the things she wants to do on her own and remind her of the things that "little people" just can't do yet! good luck!

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In my personal opinion you're dealing with NORMAL.

This is a normal time in life when we develop preferences and routines for ourselves.

Also, at this point, a two year old does not have the tools or coping skills needed to combat disappointment and frustration so you get MELT DOWN, Screaming, crying, frenzy, out of control behavior because THAT is how they feel.

9.5 times out of 10, the crazed behavior is in response to the adult tensing, becoming stubborn, and becoming rigid. If you have ever watched the dog whisperer, many of the things Caesar explains about how to work with a dog is the very same thing we should do with our children: stay calm, reduce tension, respect your own boundaries and they will follow, etc...

Come from confidence, love, and understanding. You can give her all the things she wants in a wish..."Oh honey, I WISH I could do that. I KNOW you want to do that, I WISH we could, NEXT time we will make Sure we do that, OK?!" After several experiences of this that overwhelming loss of control she feels with subside and you'll have less meltdowns.

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You've gotton tons of great advice, so I won't add to that. I just laughed when I read your post because it brought so many memories back. I have 3 kids (10.5, 7.5, and 5.5) When my 7 year old son was two I remember a huge, scary screaming tantrum about juice. It took me forever to figure out he was thirsty, but when I did I asked him if he wanted juice or milk. He says milk clearly. So we get that figured out and then I ask him if he wants his blue or red sippy cup. I show him both and he screams and screams until I figure out it was the blue one he wanted. This went on and on with every choice I offered (trying to be a good mommy and give him some control). So I finally give him his milk in the blue sippy cup in the kitchen (not at the table!) without a bib (because he did not want that!). He grabs it, looks at it, throws it across the room, and screams, "I want apple juice!!!!!" I just started laughing hysterically. Sometimes you just can't win! Anyway, good luck with a very common parenting difficulty!

J.

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Hello H.! My daughter is 2 1/2 and sounds a lot like yours. She can be really sweet most of the time. But, when she does not get what she wants, she explodes in a tantrum. She is also very used to a routine and gets mad if something is different. For example, she likes to have a water bottle and books in her crib. If one is not there, she will scream. So, I think our children are just two. As other moms have told me, the "two" shall pass.

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It's most likely the age. Some kids are more extreme than other, bu still within the "normal" range. That's why most of the time diagnosis aren't made until the child is in school.
If she is still going through it when you take her for her next dr appointment (at 3) you can mention it to the doctor then. Or if it seems to really get worse, you can call the doctor and see what he says.

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Wow, you just described my son! He's been at this for quite some time. He has an order of operations for everything it seems. I think it is a stage and not so much OCD. For me, some things it is okay for him to do it how he wants. And for other things it is not alright, especially when he is demanding that I do something a particular way. As I have let him throw his fit and not give in, it has gotten better, but it has taken a long time. He is almost 3 1/2 now! You need to figure out what you will allow and not allow. Good luck. I know it is challenging. Laugh when she throws the tantrums. It keeps you calm and breaks down the tantrum for your daughter. You will get through this. Best of luck!

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I completely agree with Kathy M and J H!!! I, too, was laughing when I read your post. My son just turned 2 in May and he is the exact same way. In fact, this morning when I dropped him off at my parent's house...he wanted me to put the passenger seat "arm rest" down, so it matched mine on the driver's side. What a nut... :) I just never know what he'll want to "have a say in" next(i.e., control). I just laugh it off and if it isn't something that will hurt him, I usually comply so he can learn. And, I have been giving him way more choices on just about everything. I believe it really helps. Good food and enough sleep makes a huge difference, too. These tactics won't eliminate the meltdowns, because that's all part of growing up...but, they sure lessen the number & intensity of them. One other thing that I have been trying, is that if his tantrum gets just completely out of hand, I let him know that it hurts my ears to hear him cry so loud and he has two choices, he can stop and settle down (and I will stay), or he can continue to scream (and I will leave). That usually, gets him to at least settle down a bit, so we can have a dialogue instead of a 1-way meltdown. Good Luck...I feel your pain. But, at least we don't have the pain 99% of the time, only 1% of the time. Tee Hee!!!

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I'm not sure if it's OCD, but I would keep track of her behaviors that you feel are out of the norm. Take it to the doc & ask him what he thinks. I do remember my kids flipping out if they didn't get to do it "this specific way" but I don't think to that extent. Congrats on your lil sweetie!

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Hi H. - very normal 2yr old behavior. I encourage you to give her lots of choices so that she feels like she has control over some things. I also encourage you to set limits with her and stand your ground. She will definitely have more full-blown tantrums and it's only a matter of time before she has one in the grocery store aisle. Again, all totally normal. The more you stay calm, the faster her tantrum will burn out. It's embarrassing when it's in public, but trust me, almost everyone understands.

We got to the point with my oldest that it almost became 20 questions with certain things. milk or juice? Straw or sippy cup? red or blue? valve or no valve? It actually became a little joke that even he can participate in now. We have a lot of fun with breakfast waitresses . . . scrambled or fried? pancakes or toast? white or wheat? bacon or sausage?

There are lots of good resources out there. "Parenting with Love and Logic" is good. "total transformation" for older kids is good too.

Good luck with your perfectly healthy little girl!

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I think at this age all kids find ways to assert their independence. they have control over so few things in their lives...your child sounds like she is very routine oriented--you can probably find ways to use this to your advantage--like you always put the toys away before getting out a new one. :) I put my dd in charge of her bedtime routine. 2 things happened, she relaxed more about some other things and I get in trouble if I skip something! lol...but it's nice because it isn't a battle at night so much anymore (she's still a kid) and she is doing what I want her to be doing but she's in charge of getting it done. we started that back in March just after she turned 3. Good luck--

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She just sounds like a strong-willed little girl who wants to assert her independence. They have control over so little in their lives at that age, and they can get frustrated. Definitely harder for some than others! It might be worth trying to give her more choices in her life on things that aren't hugely crucial; 'Do you want to wear this pink shirt or the green one today?' etc. It's important to retain boundaries and structure, but just think about where she can have a little more say. After all, part of raising kids includes giving them independence, a little at a time. She'll probably still explode when you give her boundaries, but hold firm where you need to. She will gradually move on from this stage. Good luck!

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My children have been through this; I think it relates to hitting developmental milestones that make it possible for them to do a lot of things but not always being allowed to do lots of things. . . they want to control what they can, understandably. The book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk" helped me TONS with preventing meltdowns and other frustrating behaviors, especially as they relate to the "I will do it myself" attitude. I highly recommend it. We have also liked a lot of the supplies at www.forsmallhands.com that allow my kids to help and participate as much as possible in daily chores and such.

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Welcome to the club! Your daughter actually sounds pretty good compared to mine and I think it is normal. It's a tough stage. My daughter is 3 1/2 and she is my third and my WORST with this issue. We've been dealing with it for awhile now.

It's a power struggle. She has melt-downs about any little tiny thing that is not precisely the way she wants it. I don't think it's OCD. I think this is a common stage when these little people are trying to maintain some degree of control and understand what things they can choose/control and what things mom & dad choose or control. I think part of it requires time for them to mature because half the time, there's no reasoning with them.

All I can say is to pursue time outs (typically one minute for each year of age) to try and help her understand when her behavior is inappropriate and give her the chance to control things that are okay for her to control, but of course, doing it in a polite manner.

Good luck! It ain't easy!

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This is normal. Partly because she wants control over her own life and partly because routine is comforting. She will outgrow it on her own.

Pick your battles. If it doesn't matter, let her do it her way. Respect her choices. Compliment her good choices.

Love her. Be very understanding - when she gets upset, very quietly say "oooooh, I didn't mean to make you sad. Do you need a hug and a kiss?" Soon you'll get to the point where a hug and a kiss (or a mommy hug and a kiss) fixes everything. Don't try to explain. Just attack it from the attitude of "I love you and I'm sorry that you're sad. It makes me sad when you're sad."

You'll find she also picks the choice she knows you don't want. If you ask if she wants a hug and a kiss, she'll say no. She's doing this just to see if the choice is really hers. Accept her choice unquestioningly.....and don't be upset when she changes her mind completely. She's testing you to see if you'll let her make her own choices.

Mom: I'm sorry you're sad. Do you want a hug and a kiss?
dd: NO!
Mom: OK, sweetie.
dd: [cries harder]
Mom: What's wrong? Do you want a hug and a kiss?
dd: yes
Mom:/hugs

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Hi H.. I agree with everyone who said this is totally normal. J H also mentioned her kids are worse when they're tired and I wanted to add that mine also struggled more this way when they were hungry. If their blood-sugar got too low, they would become totally irrational. Just another potential trigger you might watch for. Also, it is okay to just let her stay on the floor thrashing and kicking if it is easier for you to deal with the tantrum this way. It is her choice. Sometimes I just had to walk away till they calmed down. Good luck.

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