Help Still Needed on the Question "My Mom Is Belittling Me as a Mom"

Is your mother so narrow minded that she will not take a moment to listen to the fact that you had an agreement with your husband? I know sadly there are mothers like that. And seriously, why is your husband going to YOUR MOTHER's house without you for dinner? Do you work at night? It sounds like he is also trying to not care for his own daughter very well. I think they both need a reality dose. You sound like a wonderful caring mom, and you do deserve the respect. Where is his mother by the way? Perhaps you should go see her on your free time? With your daughter. Better yet perhaps you should start stuffing some money away each week and think about finding a husband who does respect you. Not seriously, but tell yourself that he is not going to be able to continue this. That is really unusual to me, too. At first I thought you meant he was taking her to his moms house and I thought perhaps he was just being lazy, lots of people try to do that. But when I saw he is visiting YOUR MOM I thought now that really takes the cake. So buckle up and get ready. Tell him it is not acceptable. Tell her she is violating your rights as a mother and she is losing your respect for her as one. grrrr. This is making me mad. And if this does not stop you know other things you can do. But let's not get that far. Let us get this family back in line and put your foot down. over and over, until they know you mean business.

First off, who cares if she's her grandmother? She's NOT her mother. Period. Seriously, who cares WHO she is. Legally speaking only mothers and fathers have parental rights. Most states only allow grandparents rights if they've been the primary for raising the child. So even the legal system agrees, all of the rights are on your side of the table, not your mother's. Your husband would have the right to do this if it was HIS mother, but it's not, it's YOUR mother, so I think most people would agree that he's stepping over the line. Maybe you need to work on boundaries with your husband as well.

You said in your previous post that you don't work, so what you need to do is remove your husband's ability to do this. How you do that is to always take primary with your daughter. If your husband asks why you don't let him take care of her any more, tell him that you can't trust him. I'm having a little trouble figuring out how your husband is managing to take your daughter to your mothers for meals without your knowledge. Don't you all eat together (you, DH and DD)? Isn't your daughter pretty much always with you except for the aforementioned child-care days? Aren't you your daughter's primary care giver? If you're not, then you need to BECOME her primary care giver if you want to be the one calling the shots. That's just common sense. The person putting in the work is the person with the say. If he takes your daughter to your mother's house, then go over there and bring her home. She's your child and he has no right to keep you from her, nor does your mother.

Anyways, then you need to sit down with your husband and ask him why he is not respecting your wishes as they pertain to relations with your own side of the family. Make it clear to him that it is YOUR right to manage the relationship with YOUR family, not his. You can also try to make him understand that violating your wishes in this way is a violation of your marriage vows.

Honestly, the two of you probably need to seek counseling. This situation is one that could too easily devolve into separation or divorce. What your husband is telling you with this behavior is that he sanctions your mother's actions and no marriage can withstand that kind of betrayal. If he has issues with your parenting skills, then he needs to work that out with you instead of just slinking off to enemy territory.

On the other hand, if you're not taking up your share of the workload, then he may be frustrated and may even be beginning to agree with your mom. I encourage you to analyze yourself and how you spend your time first and be prepared to make changes. If you can't do that, then counseling isn't going to work. He has to be prepared to do the same. Marriage is give and take, it's thousands of tiny adjustments for the sake of harmony, it's loving each other enough to admit when you're wrong and put in the effort to change if it's necessary. To make a marriage work, you have to be able to lower the defensive shields and really, honestly take a good hard look at yourself. Both of you.

The hard thing is, once you feel your husband has not stood up for you, you cannot trust him. I would sit down with your husband and state in a calm matter how it makes you feel that he has gone behind your back. I would also remind him that he does not like the way your mother treats you. So why would he want your child to be exposed to that. If your Mom wants A. kind of relationship with her granddaughter. She will learn to curve her comments for when you are not together.

Honestly..If your husband is going to disrespect you like that.. you just don't need him.I'm not like saying to cut him out of your life..But until he realizes you and your daughter come first instead of your mother..then you just don't need him around you..YOU DONT DESERVE IT!! AT ALL!!! You are better than that..You don't need to be put down by your own mother and then have your husband go behind your back...That to me just is not being a very good husband..

Hi-
What a difficult situation - I'm sorry :(

Have you talked to your husband about the fact that having your mom put you down in front of your daughter will teach your daughter that it is normal to be disrespectful to you. Sophie will also learn that it is okay to bully others and criticize (non-constructively) others. If he says “she doesn’t say anything about you in front of her” I would remind him that child are like sponges they soak up everything and hear EVERYTHING. It is highly unlikely that your mom NEVER says anything negative about you in front of Sophie (even the smallest criticism is inappropriate). Again, children are always watching and learning from the adults around them.

Have you asked him point blank why he feels it is so important to have Sophie around your mother and to teach sophie that it is okay to disrespect others? Did he not have a good relationship with his mother/grandmother? Have you ask him if the tables were turned and your mom was constantly putting him down what he would want you to do?

When talking to your mother – have you made it “non-emotional”/”non-blaming” (I understand this would not be easy since she is not in the right). Have you asked her if she has ever been put down by her mother? Has she been verbally abused? (my husband’s mom can be hurtful at times and her mother was constantly putting her down/verbally abusing her – thus the cycle continues. We make the rule that when they come to our house there is no negativity allowed. If it occurs we say good bye. When we are at their house if it become negative we leave).

It sounds like your mother is an adult bully. Here are some tips on dealing with adult bullies (from http://www.wikihow.com/Respond-to-an-Adult-Bully) :
1) Remember that this is not your fault. …. Everyone is responsible for how they choose to treat others, and a bully is no exception.

2) Resist the temptation to say or do something nasty back. This can be a lot easier said than done. Particularly if the bully has aroused strong feelings of anger in you. However, a reaction such as this will only prove to the bully that he/she has succeeded in getting to you - which is what they want. Bullies feed off negative emotions, because deep down in some way they feel inferior/insecure about themselves and it's only by making others feel bad that they can raise their self esteem. Reacting to a bully in this kind of way is likely to only further encourage and possibly worsen their unwanted behavior towards you.

3) See if killing them with kindness helps. This doesn't always work. But in circumstances when you've not long known the bully (such as if for example you've just been introduced to them at work) it can. Often what inspires a bully to be nasty towards others is an assumption that their target is a threat towards them in some way, as well as an experience of a lack of kindness from others throughout their lives. By demonstrating that you don't intend harm towards them and are willing to be friendly, this can encourage more positive responses from them. This might be anything from a friendly good morning 'hello' to an offer of help with something. However, if after trying this 2-3 times they still continue with their behavior cease this approach. This won't work on every bully, and being nice to them every time they choose to bully you is likely to send the message you are rewarding their behavior/find it acceptable.

4) Try assertive responses against the bully . Examples of this could include assertive body language (looking the bully firmly in the eye while standing straight), an assertive tone of voice (clear and firm without sounding threatening) and assertive choice of words such as "I've recently noticed signs that you are trying to bully me and want this behavior to stop." That said, choosing an appropriate assertive behavior will - to a certain extent - be dependent on the specific bullying situation. What might be effective in a work bullying situation might not work so well in a family or cyber bullying situation. See the related wikihow article on being assertive to get a few ideas.

5) If all else fails, consider enlisting somebody's help. …a family relative or friend (if it's a family bullying situation). Speaking to your doctor is also an option, if you feel the situation is heavily impacting upon your physical and/or mental health.

Here are some other adult bully websites:
How to recognize an adult bully: http://www.ehow.com/how_###-###-####_recognize-adult-bull...
http://www.uncommon-knowledge.co.uk/articles/handle-bully...
http://www.uncommon-knowledge.co.uk/articles/bullying.html
http://drphil.com/slideshows/slideshow/1204/?id=1204&...= (story about mother who is a bully)

If your mom agrees that she needs to change/want to change to show her granddaughter how to be respectful towards other women/people/family members then - Have you made a contract? Both of you can come up with a list of “requirements” then once you both agree you both sign the contract. If someone does something that is crossing the line (breaking the contract) come up with a call word (e.g. “banana”). This will alert the other person that they need to tone it down and they are about to breech the contract.

Another thought – would your mom be willing to see a family counselor?

Good luck. I hope everything turns okay

You mentioned your mom owns a business, and maybe she is bribing your husband with cash or gifts. You will not believe how people will behave when there is money involved, and his loyalty is probably to her wealth. Your husband also might not want her to cut her granddaughter out of her will if she is wealthy, and is looking out for himself. He does not want to be left out of the family's fortune, and is protecting his future. If grandma leaves everything to his granddaughter when she dies dad will not have to worry about money, and could just get full custody of his daughter. You will be left alone with no money, and your daughter will grow up to hate you. I believe if you can afford it to move far away from toxic grandma, because this situation will cause you a lot of pains in the future. A husband is suppose to protect his family, and when he does not the future does not look good. You should try to start planning for your future as a single mom, and he will continue to betray you. Good luck.

I don't know that I have a lot of advice, but I understand to some degree what you are saying. I told my husband's grandmother that I say what goes for MY son not her and that I choose what he eats, when/where he naps, etc. not her. It created quite the rift for a few months. Some people are not self-aware enough to police what comes out of their mouths. Usually this is due to their own insecurity and feelings that they somehow know more than everyone else. Your husband needs to stand by his wife not his mother in law. You're going to have to find ways to make this ultra-clear to him which will take multiple conversations. My husband is the type that hates confrontation and will avoid it at all costs, even if it means an argument between the two of us. We've talked at length about this and how our relationship needs to be the most important to both of us. I wish you good luck with all of this, you have a very difficult situation on your hands. The bottom line is that YOU are the mom, YOU make the decisions about how to parent YOUR daughter not your mother.

I think counseling for you and your husband is definitely in order. He should support your decision to only maintain a relationship with your mother if she is being respectful to you. I wonder if the fact that he keeps taking your daughter to see your mother is more out of laziness (easier if MIL takes care of daughter instead of him) than it is out of lack of respect for your feelings. Your relationship with your husband sounds like it needs a lot of work. If you can work things out with him, then you'll be in a better position to deal with your mother. Right now, you are outnumbered by crazy people, and it is probably making you feel crazy. Good luck to you. And I'm sorry that you're not surrounded by more loving people.

If you can not get together on this, do not be surprise how she turns out later in life. Your mother should be told the facts of life NOW!

my husband and i have banded together against my mother and u need to let urs know that u need his support. it's not enough that she is disrespecting u but the family YOU created, as his wife and mother of his child this is just unacceptable. when it came to my mother i had no problem after so much telling her coming from a crummy mother u certainly have a lot of opinions. it got to a point one day she was in MY home and she was screaming at me till i cried in front of my children and i looked at their faces and said "THAT IS IT!!! U COME INTO MY HOME AND DISRESPECT ME IN FRONT OF MY KIDS....GET-OUT!! U ARE NOT WELCOMED HER" and so she left. u as a woman and mother have the right to draw the line.

Your husband is 100% wrong. If you guys made a agreement, he needs to stick to it. His loyalty should be with you as his wife, not your mother. How is your mom with your daughter? Is she a good grandmother? If she is, I understand your husband wanting your daughter to have a relationship with her. It's just not right for her to disrespect you as her mother. Your husband really shouldn't be involoved. YOU need to sit your mom down and tell her you will not tolerate her putting you down. You and your mom have to work this out. If she continues after you have let her know how you feel, I would distance myself from her. You can't allow people in your life that make you feel bad about yourself. Good Luck.

My first, and only, idea that came into my mind was that you need professional help. You, personally, need to be in therapy to deal with this situation. AND, you and your husband need to either start marriage couseling or attend a seminar to make positive changes in your relationship.
Here are a few links I found:
http://gosmalley.com/ (Christian based)
http://www.marriagebootcamp.com/ (Dr Phil)
http://www.divorcehope.com/marriageseminarsrelationshipen... (Christian based)
http://www.familydynamics.net/anbexp.htm (a seminar for marriages in crisis)

I hope some of this might be helpful. A husband and wife should stand as a untied front...taking each others back. My husband and I attended a marriage seminar about 20 years ago...we didn't have any marriage problems but we thought if there were ways to be more successful in our marriage then why not give it a try...it was only a weekend. The seminar was awesome, we both learned so much on what we were supposed to be doing to enrich our marriage plus we learned more about each other and ourselves. We even learned to speak the language of love (The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by
Gary Chapman). Well worth the read. The tips even work with how you speak and interact with your children!

What it boils down to is you need outside, neutral help...NOW. Get it worked out now before it becomes such a huge wall between your husband and you that your marriage would be seriously affected.

Blessings,

W.

PS: My husband and I have been married 23 years and very rearely argue. When we see an issue starting to rise we sit down and hash it out calmly before it gets to the point that we are saying things that we wish we could take back. Plus, we are/were (our children are 17 & 29) a united front with discipling our children. Whenever a situation arises that requires correction of a bad behavior from one of our children we would have that child go to their room....to calm down (both them and us) and then we would retreat to our bedroom to discuss the consequences that would fit the behavior. Then we would talk to our child. If for some reason we didn't take that step first and one of us imposes a correction, the other doesn't say anything in front of the child. We would then discuss it behind closed door. You MUST present a untied front for your children...and I might add...mother's and mother-in-laws.