April 28, 2010,
A.M. asks from Jonesboro, AR on April 28, 2010
My Husband Is Driving Me Crazy and Making My PPD Worse!
My husband does nothing but critisize me, call me names, tell me how to take care of Sophie and what I'm not doing right and not asking....but ordering me around."You need to do the laundry and the dishes", so I do and while I'm doing it he says, "You need to watch Sophie", I said "She won't stay with me, she walks off into another room! How am I supposed to give an 18 month old the attention she needs and get the house down?" He makes me feel like a worthless wife and mother. I am a stay at home mom but only because of still suffering from PPD. I don't know how to structure the day EXCEPT for Sophies schedule and that keeps me busy all day. There may be 2 hours I have time to get stuff done but I'm so worn out that I just sit outside the carport door and stare. I'm extremely depressed and his criticizing me and treating me badly is making me feel even more alone and depressed. I don't want to be that way around Sophie so I hide it t he best I can but I know she senses my anxiety ALL the time because it never goes away, especially if I know my husband is about to come home. Just his presence makes me anxious, nervous and I walk on egg shells. I feel like I have NO time for myself. I am a first time mom so I know those days are over. But being with a child all day and having no communication with an adult since I can't talk to my husband, just makes me feel more alone. I start back tomorrow seeing my PPD therapist so I am counting the hours until 2 pm tomorrow. I don't even know where to begin to start when I see her. <y marriage is on the rocks, alot of it due to me still having PPD after 18 months and still h aving bad days where I need his help. I do take her two times a week to a home day care with four other children because she needs to interact and start learning how to socialize with other children. But when I take her, I either break down crying after I drop her off or if Tim is not working that day, he starts telling me everything he wants done while she's gone. I get so confused and overwhelmed that I end up not getting anything reallly accomplished and I am nervous if he's at home while I am becuase I never know what's going to come out of his mouth or Iand with everything he"tells"me to do just makes me resent him more. He doesn't see the little things I do that he doesn't notice, like always keeping the shower scrubbed and cleaned, picking up sippy cups everywhere that he has left them or collecting all her white socks and bleaching them or dusting all the crown molding, cleaning the inside of my car, organzing her outfits to make it easier to get her dressed everyday, washing her keepsake clothing and storing it, going through what might fit her in the fall and what might not......andon and on. I could break down at any time but I'm keeping myself from doing that because then I'll have an anxiety attack and I can't deal with one of those right now becasue it ends up consuming my entire day and I have to lay down and take my medicine. This PPD is ruining my life. Maybe I'm going crazy? I feel sooo alone all the time that I just write down my emotions on a piece of papaer and then quickly bury it in the trash so my husband won't see. I would love to keep a journal but he is very nosey so I have no privacy , even if I hid it in the attic, he would find it and start yelling at me about something I wrote down that he didn't like,,,that's what happened last time. He told my MY FEELINGS were wrong. Feelings are not right or wrong, they are just feelings and I have a right to write down how I am feeling in my own journal. I'm just soo anxious, overwhelemed, lonely, exhausted, and depressed right now (or the past 18 months but has gotten better) that I can't stand myself. I hate the way I feel right now and I do not ever act sad in front of Sophie but she does sense it and I'm ready for this PPD to be over with. If anyone has any advice about any of the rolllercoaster talk I've written hear, please, please help me.
1 mom found this helpful
A.B. answers from New York on April 28, 2010
This is not to criticize you but this is at least your 6th post about your husband being so hateful to you. A few posts were about your husband and mom being equally horrible to you. What do you want to hear different then from the past responders and the ones on this post? Honey you are overwhelmed your husband is abusive, verbally and God knows what else he does. You need to get out. I know you have seen every doctor, therapist and I believe a pastor. Have none of these people offered a solution? I know depression makes everything harder and seem impossible. But you are strong you are a good mother and you can be a better mother if you get out from this horrible situation. I'm sorry to be so blunt but you are obviously unhappy and keep asking for the same advice. Do what is best for you and your daughter and tell your husband to go to hell.
8 moms found this helpful
B.C. answers from Norfolk on April 28, 2010
Why are you still with this guy? Form an escape plan, find a women s shelter, take your child and leave.
6 moms found this helpful
C.T. answers from Detroit on April 28, 2010
do you own a cast iron skillet? if so USE IT! you are in my prayers!
5 moms found this helpful
A.C. answers from Cincinnati on April 28, 2010
Are you sure you have PPD? I'm not saying you don't - you very well may, but it sounds to me like you are a normal first-time mom with a mentally-abusive husband. I don't want to jump to conclusions without knowing you or your husband, but I heard a lot less about PPD and a lot more about loss of self-confidence and exhaustion from being a single mom who is forced to live day in and day out with a bully. I do not think you will be able to deal with and recover from your PPD while your husband continues to control your feelings of self-worth and daily activities. Medication is not enough to recover from PPD (speaking as a fellow sufferer) - you also need support from those around you (which you aren't getting) and in your case, counseling. Please get help immediately to find out why you put up with this behavior from someone who is supposed to be your partner in life.
4 moms found this helpful
L.A. answers from Austin on April 28, 2010
"My mother is belittling me as a first time mom of my 16 month old daughter"
"Help still needed on the question "my mom is belittling me as a mom"
"Can negative remarks towards me as a mother affect my recovery time from PPD?"
"My baby crying is making me so nervous!"
"Mother will not stop belittling me as a mother!"
"Critical husband and mother of my first baby -she's 17 months old now"
"Still question concerning the critical mom and husband question "
"Its's me with the 17 month old daughter and the belittling mother and husband!"
"My husband is driving me crazy and making my PPD worse!"
These are your posts since the beginning of the year. I feel like you really need to speak with a therapist and make a plan about what you are going to do to get your life and self respect back. Make the appointment first thing in the morning. NO EXCUSES.
PPD is a real problem, so while you are learning how to deal with it, take the time to learn how to be a strong woman. A strong woman is one who will not allow others to treat you with anything but respect. Stand and walk tall all of the time.
When anyone speaks to you with anything but respect tell them "STOP!" Put your hand up like a stop sign and tell them, "you do not have my permission to speak to me like that EVER again". And stick to it.
If anyone criticizes you, tell them you are sorry that they are feeling that way. And then turn around and walk away. It is their problem.
Are you doing your best for yourself and your daughter? Because that is all that matters at this point.
You are in a toxic relationship. Your husband does not act as though he respects you. Do you respect him? If not, what are you going to do about it? You cannot change him. Are you going to change yourself or are you going to accept and love yourself as you are?
You cannot change your husbands opinion of you. No matter what you do at this point he is in a very bad habit of putting you down. You are accepting this treatment by staying and taking it. Decide what you want and ask for it demand it and do not settle. You have a right to be happy. But you are in charge of finding your own happiness.
Imagine how you want your daughter to be treated. Do you have it in your mind? That is what you also deserve.
I am sending you strength.
4 moms found this helpful
G.H. answers from Chicago on April 28, 2010
Anna Lee summed it up perfectly. Reading your post really made me mad. Why do woman allow men to do this to them? How many different ways can you ask the same question? I don't think your situation has anything to do with PPD anymore (if it does then get help), but I do think your depression is more from your husband, it's about your husband being critical, over judgemental, verbally abusive, controlling, bullying, manipulative, etc. He is purposely belitteling you so he has a strong hold on you, this is what some men do to make themselves feel better. You can do one of 3 things: keep allowing him to do this, leave him, or stand up to him. My sis n law just filed for divorce from a man like this. Thank God there are no kids after a 6 yr marriage. The only way she could get him out of her life was to move half way across the country with no friends or family. She has been gone for 10 months now & she is the happy go lucky person I met 15 yrs ago. Now I am not sure you can do that but stand up for yourself. I want you to tell him "if you want it done then you need to do it." I would write down all my thoughts all day long & leave them laying around the house so he can read them & when he tries to discount your feelings tell him "oh well that's how I feel". Walk around with your head up high & a smile on your face, keep telling yourself how happy you are. If you keep telling yourself you are a failure you will one so DO THE OPPOSITE so you can be the wonderful mom you so want to be. If he is physically abusive please seek help from friends, family, shelters,etc.
2 moms found this helpful
S.H. answers from Honolulu on April 28, 2010
your husband is doing nothing but bullying you and making you feel worthless.
Next, does he really know what PPD is??? Maybe he & you can go to counseling...
Next, how about he hire a babysitter sometimes to give you a break or a house maid. Just a couple times a week.
You are HUMAN... what he is expecting of you is inhuman. And then he negates you and constantly criticizes. He, is making you worse.. .and does not consider your condition or health needs.
I am so sorry.... it must be real miserable.
You are not wrong for feeling the way you do.
Your Husband is actually being ABUSIVE.
If you can... do you have any family near by? Have them come and visit you and be with you. Do they know you have PPD? Tell them. Get anyone and everyone to help you, too.
Since your Husband is a jerk and abusive and he probably will not change because he thinks it is all your problem....
Call your Doctor... call a crisis intervention line.... call a friend or your family/Mom/dad/siblings...anyone. You can't expect your Husband to suddenly be caring about you... because he won't. He's making you worse. And he is an abusive bully.
Call a friend or a neighbor you know... have them come over and help you or just to lend a shoulder. If you really must... leave and get some help... at a crisis intervention center.
2 moms found this helpful
M.P. answers from Provo on April 28, 2010
Get out that environment!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pack yours and your daughters bag for a week and go to your mom's or to a hotel (of course leaving dirty diapers, sippy cups, and socks everywhere for him to clean up. I'd even clean out the fridge so that he has do go shopping and prepare everything.) Make him realize all that you do for him.
You are right, your daughter shouldn't see him treat you like that. You don't want her to think that's how men are supposed to treat women. Go to someone you trust and break apart so that you are no longer holding all the bad in. Follow Shane B's lead. It would most likely best for you and your beautiful innocent girl. Single mommyhood is the best!!!!!! No one to ague with except yourself.
***Ok I just read your other posts and all I have to say is GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!GET OUT! I'm serious!!!!!! If not for you, for your daughter. If he is abusing you emotionally then he is going to do it to your daughter and who knows what else. Please! Please! Please leave him and your mom behind. I was emotionally and physically abused by my dad and I can tell you now, she'll never be completely over it if she is able to seek out help. Now as a new mom I can feel all those things my dad said and did to me creep out of the closet and I almost do it to my son. I don't, let's just clarify to that. But I sometimes have to put him in the crib and walk away and smash something so that my son will be safe (I am also going to therapy for this, so no fear other mom's). Please, I beg of you. Don't let anything like this happen to your daughter.
2 moms found this helpful
T.J. answers from Fort Walton Beach on April 28, 2010
I say stop doing stuff for him. When he asks (or badgers) on where his clean shirt is or why the dishes aren't done or why dinner isn't ready... you can say "Why aren't you doing it?" Throw it back at him! Give him his own behavior right back.
Also, try to find a hobby and do 30 minute walks for your PPD
2 moms found this helpful
F.O. answers from Boston on April 28, 2010
I am not gonna judge you, however, I am going to say thank goodness I am strong and sometimes pigheaded. I think for those reasons my husband can only take his bully mentality one block with me, but it sounds like your husband is taking you around the world and setting you up for a major fall. Focus on Sophie. Cater to her needs. Do the best that you can and tell him that you are doing the best that you can. Don't complain to him, he doesn't care and you are exhausting too much energy that could be spent reconnecting with yourself. When you sit on the carport and stare, pick up an inspiring book and read at least one chapter if possible. Don't give up on you, just because he's selfish. I don't see anywhere in your post stating that he spends quality time with you or Sophie. when was the last time he asked you out for dinner? Hmmmm. He is extremely insensitive and you need to at least THINK about what someone else said: an escape plan do it for you and Sophie with no regrets when you are ready. Try not to talk about all the negatives and look at Sophie because she needs her mommy even if you feel weak, she is gonna love you unconditionally.
1 mom found this helpful
D.S. answers from Tulsa on April 28, 2010
baby your a wife not a slave the main advice I have is DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE. email me and call me anytime you have my number and yes I do late nights because storm makes me do late nights. usually all nights.
1 mom found this helpful
J.K. answers from Phoenix on April 28, 2010
Your husband needs to stop with his badgering you. He really needs to be more supportive of you and helping you both physically and emotionally. What he is doing is abusive and needs to be stopped. Talk to your therapist about this. Your doctor needs to be aware of your PPD. Be sure to talk to your doctor, therapist or counselor about all of this. I'm sorry you are going through this. Good luck to you!