Help! My 3 1/2 Year Old Can't Sleep and Keeps Waking Us up All Night Every Night

I don't know if this will help, but we have a gate we put up at the end of the hallway so the only rooms our dd can access at night are hers, ours, and the bathroom. We have a nightlight in the hallway and in the bathroom as well as her room. She knows if she wakes up and it's still "dark time" she has to stay in bed, but if it's not and we're still sleeping, she can turn her lamp on and play quietly in her room. I'm not sure if any of that helps, but for us, the gate and the nightlights seemed to be the key.

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I went through a similar problem. My boys would NOT go to sleep, or when I was taking a shower they'd mess with everything in the house. It drove me nuts (I'm a single mother). I was scared that someone was going to get into the knife drawer or put the cat in the microwave while I was showering!

So here's what I did: I took their door handle off and turned it around so that the lock was on the outside. And when I needed to shower or they needed to stay in bed, I'd lock it. I usually unlocked it when I knew they were asleep in case they needed to go to the bathroom at night. Eventually, they figured out that they had to stay in bed or I'd just leave the door locked until morning.

Lesson learned though: Be sure to have a little screwdriver (the kind you'll need to unlock that door if you ever get locked in by accident) hidden on the top shelf of their closet. :o)

EDIT: I really do like the idea of the baby gate at the end of the hallway, but it doesn't keep em out of the kitchen! ;o)

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We also used a lock on my son's door (doorknob kind like the one other Christy P. suggests). To keep him asleep and in bed though, we did a sticker chart with a prize at the end of each week if X number of stickers were there. So, set a goal like you need to stay in your room all night 4 out of 7 nights, or whatever you want to start with, and then give him a sticker each morning he does it. The prize can be a trip to the dollar store or Target dollar section -- little guys are happy with very small things!

Also, look at what he is eating and drinking after dinner. Is he having any juice or soda or dessert? That can keep him up. We don't allow ANY sugar after dinner at all period or we will be up during the night!

Can you try to shorten or eliminate his daytime nap?

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baby gate in front of his door?

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Okay let's see. Could be a lot going on here:
needs to pee, scared (careful of what we watch. So if a scary movie
trailer comes on we change the channel), any new adjustments to your
household like a move?

Here are my ideas:
-put the nightlight back in
-have a "you're safe in your room" routine. we hit his "dream catcher" to
wake it up
-how about a safety gate up in his doorway so you don't have to lock doors
-when he comes in your room, quietly reassure him while slowly walking
him back to his room. Just be quiet & soft spoken. Tuck him back in
w/a gentle kis.
-move hs stuffed animals out of the room
-ask him what would make him sleep better? new blankie? explain the
dream catcher & take him w/you to buy one
-give him a flashlight to take to the bathroom. have a nightlight in bathroom
-promise him a non-food treat in the morning if he can try to go back to his
bed after peeing w/o coming into your room
-is his bedtime too early after daycare nap?

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are you making sure he is not hungry before he goes to bed. we went through something like this with all the kids. started giving them a bowl of cereal or oatmeal and a pc of fruit before bed and that helped. also you might want to tell him that if he keeps getting up you will have to put a new lock on his door. (I liked the idea of the gate across the hallway. maybe you can put one between your door and his.

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Yeah, that's a t oughie. That's the reason I only have 2 kids, lol! Anyway, you probably don't want to hear this, but time will help. Kids go through different developmental phases that might affect their sleep. My tips: limit TV time , especially before bed. There are also some really scary commercials on right now, I hate those. Try having a fan going all night for white noise. Maybe the cat is waking him up? Give him his own mini flashlight for bathroom trips. My daughter also likes to have one of those flameless, battery operated candles in bed with her. Don't know why, but it helps. Make sure he is not too hot at night, for example , wearing socks to bed, etc. Also, there are lavendar herbal sachets or essential oils made for taking to bed and relaxing, etc. Good luck. I feel your pain.

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I am going through the same thing and my daughter is 3 1/2 also. I feel for you and know what you are going through. Since I am having the same problem I really don't know what to tell you except I feel for you. I am going to read through the other posts and hope that I can get some help at the same time. Everything that you said is exactly what my daughter is doing. Is this a phase at this age? I sure hope so cause we are expecting our second at the end of this month and I am exhausted already. Best of luck!

My Philosophy - Sleep Habits in Children

Children need LOTS of sleep. But why do I say this? Studies have shown that children who get enough sleep in the first five years of life are smarter and better at processing language up to ten years later. Sleep begets sleep. The better a child sleeps the better the child is behaved. I have found that the majority of child behavior problems are tied directly to the amount of sleep a child gets. Sleep is when the child is able to process the information that they have been presented with in the waking period and neural connections are formed. Children that get the right amount of sleep are at less risk of obesity. Studies have found that the majority of ADD/ADHD children are really suffering from lack of proper sleep.

************************************************************************************** So what is the right amount of sleep? Ten years ago the sleep charts were what I believe to be correct. But somewhere in the last decade the charts have been modified. Here is the sleep chart *I* believe in (the one that was around ten years ago).

*newborn to 4 months old - 19 to 22 hours in a 24 hour period

4 months old to 12 months old - 12 hours at night, (may have a feeding after the first few hours when Mommy is ready to go to bed for the night), two to three naps of 2 to 3 hours each

12 months old to 2 years old - 12 hours at night, two naps of 2 hours each (eliminating the morning nap gradually but if behaviors gets bad you may have to put it back in).

2 years old old to 5 years old - 12 hours at night, 2 to 3 hour nap

6 years old to 10 years old - 11 to 13 hours a night

10 years to adult - 8 to 10 hours a night

*****************************************************************************

Naps - some people say that their preschool child doesn't need a nap. Even if the child sleeps 13 hours at night my answer is they do still need a nap up until they are in kindergarten. A nap is about recharging the body, restoring the peace in the mind and relaxing. I have found this analogy the best to illustrate my point - Cars should have oil changes about every 3000 miles. Sometimes life gets busy and we forget to do the oil change, perhaps for a while. Your car doesn't show any damage. You might even get to 6000 miles and no oil change and still the car is running just fine. But sooner or later that car is going to die. The engine is going to seize up and revolt and you will have an unhappy car. The car will not work any more. Naps are the oil changes in a child's life. They are needed even if you can't see the affects of skipping them right away.

Overtired Children - When a child is overtired they don't act sleepy, instead they get hyper. For a baby they will get VERY crabby and cry. Each child has a "window" of time when they will easily fall asleep. If you miss the signs and miss that window of time you are going to have a very difficult time getting the child to calm down. Often if a parent has a hard time getting a child to sleep the key is to make bedtime EARLIER so they don't miss that window.

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So, you know kids need sleep, and lots of it, but HOW do you go about getting them to sleep or stay asleep?

INFANTS - I believe in the Baby Whisperer's EASY method for a schedule, and the Happiest Baby on the Block 5 s's method. Those two combined will make cio not be a needed thing (at that age)
EASY - when the baby wakes up it Eats. After you feed it, then it has Activity - bouncy seat, tummy time, sitting up and playing with toys, swing, exersaucer, etc. When the baby gets fussy check the B's - boredom, butt or burp. If it's none of those then off to Sleep. Don't wait for the baby to do more than get the tiniest bit fussy, then see what is causing the fusses - if it's just that they needed their diaper change do that, but if it's not the activity is boring, the butt is dirty or they have to burp, then put them down. This may happen after as short as 45 minutes, don't freak, it really means they are tired.
Now, to get them to sleep use the 5 s's. Swaddle the baby, hold the baby on their side and sway as they suck on something (paci, your knuckle or their finger/thumb) and make a shush noise. This will calm your baby. When the baby is calm, but not asleep yet, keeping them swaddled lay them in the bed. I like to pat them instead of sway after a minute or two cause you can still pat after they are put down but you can't sway, so pat the baby and continue patting gradually decreasing it as you put them in the bed. Also continue the shushing as you put them down, again gradually getting quieter.
If you do these two you will find a well rested, easily managed baby in no time. If a baby wakes before 1 1/2 hours then wait ten minutes before going in, most babies settle in that time period and go right back to sleep on their own.

Older Children - unfortunately if you didn't do the above before about 9 months old you may be in for a harder job. First you have to have the right environment - a DARK room, music on continuous play, sometimes a fan is needed in addition to the music, no distractions, naps not being optional, and a consistent schedule. To create a dark room I put the scratchy part of velcro on the window frame then I take black felt and have it cut so it is 12 inches wider and taller then the window opening. Double the felt up so even on the sunniest day the room is dark. (The reason for this is because our body needs darkness in order to reach deep sleep.) Other things to do -- dim electronics (I cut pieces of window cling car shades and put it over the display), remove TVs from bedrooms (A new report from July 2011 states that preschoolers who watch TV in their room took a longer time falling asleep and woke up more drowsy in the morning. Additionally, children who spent only 30 minutes of screen time viewing before bed were 28% more likely to have sleep difficulties compared to 19% who had no screen time. ) , and most of all, set an early bedtime. Most children have a built in alarm clock so I believe a 7 pm bedtime is needed to make sure they get enough sleep. This makes sure you don't miss the window of sleep and that the child will get the 12 hours a night they need.

Some children are particularly difficult and cry it out may be needed. Other children may fight staying in their bed. For these children you can do a few things. You can do the Super Nanny method where you keep putting kids back to bed immediately when they get out without any interaction or emotion and slowly moving farther and farther away from the bed. Another method you can use is removing all the stuff from the room except the bed. This means no toys, no books and no lights. You may have to even turn the knob around after a bit. (Don't freak out about this knob turning around thing - but think about this - if you are asleep do you want your child to be able to have free reign of the house? If there is a fire don't you want your child to be IN their room where you can get them instead of trying to escape? If they can reach the knob and lock it, wouldn't it be better for them not to lock themselves in the room so you can't reach them?). If you have been rocking or laying down next to the child you can do a slow transition - so hold her but don't rock tonight, then after a few nights of that, hold her in her bed, then move farther away each night until you are no longer the thing needed to put her to sleep.

If all that still fails, try eliminating milk from their diet. There was a study done in 2001 that showed that the majority of preschool sleep problems were a hidden milk allergy. For my experience with this, read my story below.
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Early to bed = Better readers

SAN ANTONIO (UPI) -- Parents who enforce bedtime may help their children be better students, U.S. researchers suggest.

Researchers at SRI International, an independent, non-profit research institute in Menlo Park, Calif., say having a regular bedtime is the most consistent predictor in 4-year-olds who have higher scores for receptive and expressive language, phonological awareness, literacy and early math abilities.

"Getting parents to set bedtime routines can be an important way to make a significant impact on children's emergent literacy and language skills," lead author Erika Gaylor says in a statement.

Gaylor says pre-schoolers getting less than the recommended 11 hours of sleep each night have lower literacy and math skill scores.

Gaylor and colleagues analyzed information from parental interviews conducted at 9 month old and also at age 4, of a nationally representative sample of approximately 8,000 children -- part of the Early Childhood Longitudinal Study.

"This is by far the largest study of its kind to date," Gaylor says. "Previous studies have included up to 500 children in this age group."

The findings are being presented at the annual meeting of the Associated Professional Sleep Societies in San Antonio.

Copyright 2010 by United Press International
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I have had some failure in the sleep department as a mom. I thought that it was SO easy. After all when I had worked in daycare centers I just patted backs, kids slept and nap time lasted 2 hours every single day. When I babysat I put the kids in their beds after reading them a story, and told them to sleep and they did. Maybe once or twice I had to lie next to a kid for a few minutes, or pat a back, but overall - super easy.

Then I had Tara. She was sick from 2 weeks old until 10 months old. Almost the whole time. Hard to get a kid to sleep through the night when they are coughing from RSV. Then she was failure to gain weight. She literally lost weight if she went 8 hours without drinking/eating. So we had doctor's orders to feed her if she woke up. By the time she was two I was ready to force the issue, her weight had steadied and I was ready. But the habit was there. She went to sleep great but would wake 2 to 20 times a night. Most nights much closer to 20. Right before she turned 3 we sold out townhouse but our house in Plainfield wasn't built yet so we lived like nomads for three months. Hard to ask her to sleep through the night when we were never in the same house for more then a few weeks. Then Elise was born..

See how the years of bad sleep happen? It snowballs, and becomes habit. By the time she was 3 1/2 I was at my wit's end. I could not survive much longer with two kids not sleeping through the night. So, I started researching sleep. The solution for Elise was solving her colic with a chiropractor visit and two nights of sleeping in the farthest corner of the house from her so I didn't hear her crying. For Tara it ended up that she had a hidden milk allergy. There had been a study done in 2001 that showed that the majority of preschool sleep problems are really hidden milk allergies. I took milk out of her diet two weeks before she turned 4. By the end of the first week she started sleeping through the night. Six solid nights of 13 hour sleeps had me wondering if it were just a fluke. So I overloaded her with milk products that sixth day - cheese, yogurt, milk, ice cream was her diet. She was up six times that night. Took all the milk things away again and we had a great night time sleeper. We found that two glasses of milk or milk after noon caused night time waking and we finally had solid nights of sleep for everyone in the house.

So, the moral of this story is that sleep training is hard. Some things I learned over the years by being a parent or daycare provider and some I learned with my research when I had problems with my own children.

©2009

We did rewards to keep them in bed.
Lay out 3 or 4 little things, like stickers or glow sticks on the table everytime they got up they loose one.

I have found that usually these types of things go in cycles. It sounds as if something is bothering him, but he doesn't know what it is our can't explain it to you. As another poster listed, it could be a zillion things - saw a scary commercial on TV, someone said something mean to him at daycare, growth spurt, etc. He needs a little reassurance at night right now. If you give him that, he will feel better and get through whatever it is and then the waking up will stop.

We are having the same problem except my daughter says she afraid of being in her room. Claims there are ghosts... I am so tired from her waking all throughout the night also!

It sounds to me a little like he is manipulating you guys. Does he say he is scared of something or does he just want to be near you guys? Consistency is the key. Eventually he will get it that you will not be getting up every time he wants you to. I have been VERY lucky with my girls sleeping but whenever my now 5 year old woke up in the night and came to our room we basically were like "tough" and "go back to bed" haha! If there was a ligitimate concern that is one thing but they will see how far they can control and manipulate you. If he is fine at daycare, then he shouldn't have a problem at home. He knows that he can get you to cater to him. So just be consistent and I am sure he will grow out of it! Good luck!

Hi,

We had a different kind of sleep problem with my son (also 3 and 1/2) and landed up being referred to a sleep doctor. To make a long story short - my son is iron deficient which can cause involuntary limb movement (think restless legs) during sleep which in turn wakes them up. My son has been on a multi-vitamin with iron for the last three months and we have seen a large improvement. He still wakes up a couple of times a week but it is much better than the 20 times a week he used to wake up. Just a thought but you may want look at your sons diet to see if he is getting enough iron (my son is a super picky eater and was getting just about zero iron from his diet). To top it off - my son is a huge milk drinker which is an iron depleter. Just a thought - you may want to talk to your dr about it as they can test for iron in the blood and iron stores in the body. We had no idea that iron deficiency can lead to sleep problems and I don't think most parents do.

Now that my son is only getting up a couple of nights a week - we are trying to sticker-chart our way out of him getting out of bed the few nights he does wake up. For every night he stays in bed all night long - he gets a sticker in the morning - 5 stickers and he gets a small toy (like a smurf). We put the chart on the back of the door and when he does get up - we remind him of the chart and that we will try again tomorrow. We have had some success with it.

Hope that helps!

My daughter is a little younger than your son (turns three in October) and she has always slept very well in her own bed. But the last six months or so she will sometimes go through a spell like this. I find it works best when she gets up to let her come snuggle in our bed for the rest of the night. Sometimes the next night she'll stay in her bed fine, sometimes the next night she'll come in our bed again. If it happens a few nights in a row, then when she's going to bed I tell her that tonight she needs to stay in her own bed all night, and like magic it works every time. It's very gentle, and disrupts my sleep less than having to keep getting up and taking her back to her own bed. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!