HELP!!! In-Law Interference!

He needs to tell them.
Having this opportunity is nice for you guys tho... school wont last forever and you can get back on track later even. You two are the parents, the kids will always know that. I would hate to see you lose the perfect babysitter just because you might be a little jealous of mil. Sounds like you b/f doesnt really want to watch the kids at night (a shame) otherwise this wouldnt be a problem.

Come up with a schedule that you are ok with for them to see their grandchildren. Present it to them & say this is what we are willing to do. State that you don't want to talk about it in front of the children. It they do then the schedule will get even shorter... Set boundaries & stick to them. It won't be easy at first but after they see that you mean business they will eventually get used to it. Stay strong:)

It sounds to me like your inlaws are trying to fill your shoes...and the only way they can do that is if you step OUT of those parenting shoes and allow them to step into them!!
I feel like there are things going on here that we are not hearing about. WHY are your inlaws so concerned?
You need to tell them that you appreciate their love and care for their grandchildren and that an occassional "sleepover" would be lovely but that you and your fiance need to be the parents and that you are going to BE the parents from this day foreward. Then...do it!!
It isn't like they can come in and just take the children if you don't allow it...so be ready for your MIL to try and lay on a thick coating of guilt...and be ready for your oldest child to say he wants to go visit Grandma....but stick to your guns and take control of the situation again.
That being said...you also need to realize that this means you are going to be paying for childcare...you can't expect your inlaws to be available at your convenience...or things will slip right back to the way they are now!!

WARNING!!!! You are setting a precedence with the grandparents and visits that you will more than likely later regret. Ween them off the grandparents NOW!!! Don't delay.

Talk to hubby. Tell him your concerns from your heart, not against his parents. You want to keep the focus on you all as parents. Get a sitter to come to your house. BUT BY ALL MEANS ween them off the grandparents.

If after talking to your husband about stopping long term, lengthy visits, they want an explanation, just say simply it's in their best interest they spend time at home and visit with you xyz. You decide when they visit and for how long. Come to an agreement with hubby.

You have to think of it like this, you are already not home enough in their eyes. The doctor is wrong in their eyes. Your kids needs them, not you in their eyes. That is going in a very very bad direction for you. So, reverse it politely and quietly. Their "hurt" "anger" will subside, but you want to get a handle on their manipulation before they start thinking they are stand-in parents because you and hubby are too busy with your own lives.

Don't hesitate to take back control. You are the parents, you are the mother, the primary caregiver and knows what's in the best interest of your children. And make every effort to capitalize on spending as much time with them at all times.

Get this straight with your man right now....HE needs to be the one to deal with his parents. They will never fully respect you as the mother and final authority over your children, but they will respect their son. I've learned this the hard way, trust me. I wouldn't have had ANY problems with my in-laws if I had put my foot down a lot sooner about making my husband deal with them.

First - You and your fiance need to agree on this (you didn't say if that's true).

Then - He needs to talk with his parents - firmly, unemotionally, finally.

You and your fiance are these boys parents. You sound very capable and ambitious. An occasional visit, or helping out, from grandparents is great, but it sounds like these people have crossed the line and are taking over parenting of your children.

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You need to sit down with the in laws and tell them it is your family, your children and your rules. They have no right to tell you how things should or should not be. It sounds like they are not trying to help you by saving money on child care anymore. The motives for them keeping the kids are personal. They want their own children to be babies again and they are living through you right now.

You will have to go at least two weeks with the kids not going over there then start fresh with them visiting. The visits should be short and should involve you as well. Save the night time are for emergencies.

If you want things to be normal well that is pretty much how everyone else does it. Visits are limited due you have to have your own little family time with your kids. Make sure you do a run through with your spouse. So he can help you find the words they will understand and be a back up if they disagree.

Good luck! You sound like a wonderful and caring person to have a young family and to take care of others like that on the side.

YOU are the Mom. You, not the other one. If you want your babies home, you have that right. Where is dad in this? You need to have a "what is our goal/plan for the boys at this point" talk i think...
I have an impossible MIL, i mean terrible, and i can understand the difficulty of mothers who act like children to manipulate. In my case, I have learned that the best approach is to paint it as "this is what is best for the boys." Explain that your goal is to have a stable home for them that they know is their HOME. You want them to see that mommies and daddies can work hard and still take care of their families. If gramma wants to be involved in the childcare then (as gratefully as you can, ugh) tell her that you and husband are the parents and this is what you have decided is best for your children. Tell her that the boys look forward to their weekends there and will continue to, but that home is home.
Try to sound as adult as possible, sit with both feet on the floor, have a glass of water to sip when you are flustered or feeling at-a-loss so you have a moment to think without looking stuck. Have this talk in a public place where people are less likely to cause a scene. Make sure the boys are not there, or at least in another room if possible, as they can be confused (and if she's anything like my MIL, manipulated) and she can pull the I'm just a good gramma cause. Try to get your husband to come with to talk to her and say WE in everything, never I, because as much as we don't want to admit it, your word probably means less than his (if only because he is her child), but you have to appear united, even if you might not agree.

It is soo hard to stand up to overbearing in-laws/parents, but start as soon as possible or this could be a long battle. Mine is still ongoing after 4 years!

I agree with Sue on this one. You are ambitious & doing what needs to be done for the best interests of your family long-term. You and your fiancee have created this family together and it is yours, not your in-laws, to care for. If you are not comfortable with your kids being at your in-laws so often, then just say, "Thank you, but I'll handle it from here. We appreciate all of the help that you offer, but we need to spend time as a family." Have your fiancee with you, sit them down calmly and explain that the 2 of you are in agreement that this needs to change right now.

This is a really tough situation b/c you are benefiting from their support on the weekends, so if you say something be prepared for that support to stop. Having said that, it sounds like you both have your acts together and if you don't NEED the weekends off, it's time to say "thanks, but we'll take it from here".

He may not want to say something to his parents b/c he is afraid that you will not get help any longer, which is true. Bottom line, they are your kids and this is your family. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. You may have to be the mommy here and say something (respectfully and acknowledging their support).

Make sure that you have a plan for them to still see the kids- maybe one night a month they get a sleep-over so you don't disconnect their relationship, but unless they know something you don't (like daddy isn't taking good care of them while you're at work) then there is no need for them to have the kids during the week.

I'm just asking this, but is there a chance that they are aware of something that you may not see?

Sounds like a lot of people need to grow up. Daddy sounds like he has figured out that parenting means no more nights out with his friends. Good start. You sound like you completely understand that his mother is manipulating you and belittling you by saying (essentially) that she is better at caring for the children than you and her son are. She also thinks she knows more than the pediatrician. If she was such a great parent, then her son should be more than capable of parenting in her excellent example, right???

She is offering YOU visitation with your own children! She gets all week and every other weekend, and you get 2 weekends a month? Outrageous! It's time to call it quits. Your BF needs to find a backbone when dealing with his mother. Your boys don't know where their own home is - they think it's with Grandma and the older one cries when he has to come with you? Grandma has filled his head with a few thoughts and values that don't match yours, I can tell.

At this point, she is not helping you at all. She is interfering in the parental relationship and is dominating the child rearing. She is becoming the mom, not the grandmother. She only feels good about things when she puts you down. Put a stop to it NOW. I'd go cold turkey for at least a few weeks, as someone else suggested. You and your BF need to present a united front and take over the parenting, tough as it is. You are working hard to better yourself and that is great - take the same strength you apply to your work and your studies, and put it into taking back your children.

Well, they can claim them on taxes if they sleep there that often... meaning if they want to take them from you then they have more of a leg to stand on. What does your fiance think about this? If he is for it... well, I would start to worry.

Looking back I have to say I would give different advice now. Get that RN pronto and roll with the punches as far as the In-laws go. They need their sleep, you DEFINITELY need sleep to keep going and it won't be much longer. In the past I too wanted my children with me nightly, and frankly this time passes and your children are the most important in your life. Therefore you must focus on what is a head of you. Short of you moving in with them *ugh yuk, you have to accept that you are making sacrifices that are for yOUR FUTURE WITH YOUR CHILDREN. That means we don't like things sometimes. And you said FIANCE. Not husband. So if you have your RN you may chose to dump the whole little family and have quality time with your children and someone else and a lovely day job working as a school nurse. Good luck!

I would tell them to go away. Helping is one thing, but it sounds like they are trying to raise your boys. Do what you guys have to do to make it work all on your own. By 22 I also had 2 kids. My husband worked, I had just finished my BS and was working part-time, but my kids NEVER stayed at my parents for more than a night here or there. And that even stopped once the second was born. You are NOT too young for this at all so never use that as a crutch or let anyone try to make you use it that way. As soon as you have a baby you grow up.

Your in-laws want to be the children's parents and if you let them "help" you you won't be the parents. Take them back and struggle the way we all did. I was a mother at an early age. You can do it. Take your children on the weekend every weekend. They should sleep at your house every single night. Do you know that families that have Nannys the kids grieve when the Nanny leaves for good. She has been their mother.
So hurt your mother-out- law...you are not married to her son and begin raising your kids yourself.
As of this moment she could go to court and get custody of your children.

If your not careful your in-laws can go to court and file for custody of the children because they have them more than you do. My ex in-laws went to court and got visitation rights when I got divorced even though they never kept the girls before the divorce. They got them every other weekend, six weeks in the summer and every other holiday. Be careful or you just might lose your children. Stop the overnights and hire someone to sit at your home if you have to even if you can't afford it. I am sure you can find someone that needs room and board to do it if necessary. There are so many people out of work right now. Post an ad on Care.com to find someone. They do background checks and everything for you. Like I said if you don't do something soon you could lose them.

You and your fiance need to come to an agreement about this.
I totally understand needing to work and take classes, etc.
I've done both and I've also taken care of kids whose parents do both.
You have very young kids and I think what might be best is to try to find someone who can stay at your house and look after the children. Put them to bed, etc. In their own beds, at home.
You go to college. Do you know anyone who could come over in the evenings and stay with the kids while you work? Do they have daycare at the college?
I know a mom who had her kid way younger than you and she attends college. Her daughter is in the on-site program and loves it.
So, maybe you can look into college day care two days a week. Yes....babies can handle daycare. And, maybe you can have someone reputable come to your house in the evenings while you work.
Let grandparents have a little time on the weekends once in a while to give yourself a break.
I don't know. It sounds like what they propose is more like a custody arrangement than helping you out, especially if they say your pediatrician doesn't know what they're talking about and you aren't paying attention to your kids.
It's not about hurting anybody's feelings, what's best for your kids? I know you're busy, but you have to squeeze parenting in there somehow.
Not that you aren't. I didn't mean it that way.
Where is your fiance in all of this?
Can't you get a schedule where he's at home more when you can't be and vice versa?
It's hard, I know. I work at a hospital. Nurses and doctors have crazy schedules. But, they have their kids at home and get help working around what the kids need.
I think that once somebody says you aren't paying attention to your children, it's a signal you need to change things and not worry about their feelings getting hurt if you do.
Show them you ARE responsible.
She may eat her words, but it might be better for your kids in the long run.
And for you too.

Best wishes.

You and your fiance need to have a heart to heart, then present a united front to his parents. Stick to your guns. You are the parents.

I would just explain to your MIL that you really apprieciate her help but you and your fiance feel that it is better for YOUR children to have a stable schedule and that includes them sleeping in there own beds suring the week. Everyother weekend is great grandparents time or with me my parents try to take my kids over night once a week sometimes its thurs night(they dont work fri and my daughter doesnt have preschool on fri) or its fri or sat night. Some times they take only 1 child and have special one on one time with 1 and I get the one on one with the other and the next week it swiches. My parents live very close so sometimes they come over for dinner or will take the kids to their house for dinner and bring them back for bed time. Be strong and if it is better have your fiance talk with you unless you feel it is something just you and her need to discuss!

The parents are angling for custody and could get it if you allow your children to basically live there. I would drop out of school or quit my job so I did not have to rely on them for babysitting.
Do you live with them?
Is there any way you can move out? What about your parents?

My suggestion is this:

In a few months time you are going to be working in a nursing profession and possibly nights again but maybe days. Start keeping the kids at home more often, not cold turkey take away from grandparents home, and start having more time with them at home one on one if possible but also time together as a family. Cut back on you work hours. Surely you don't have to work 5 days a week nights and can get financial aid to cover the extra expenses the income would cover.

Not saying I haven't been there, my degree was a BA in Sociology with a minor in Social Work and a second BA in Psychology and I never worked a day during school, I had financial aid and took full advantage of it so I could take care of my daughter as a single parent, she did eventually go live with my ex and his wife, which was good so I could focus on school, she was uncontrollable and it was really as good thing for her to go to them....

But my point is that school is a full time job and your family is doing without you. Consider cutting back a bit, not saying quit, just cut back, maybe one more night a week off or transfer to days and still cut back to 3-4 days a week then school on the other 2.

It will be a gradual transfer of attachment. In those kids minds grandma and grandpa are mom and dad. It's normal for the primary caregiver to have that place and it's in your letter they are basically raising your kids.

It will be best for the kids and grandma and grandpa to wean them away gradually. They will also have stuff that you'll have to deal with like "that's not allowed at grandma's or grandma lets us do that" you can't be the bad guy and change everything all at once. Just do it gradually, very, very slowly and it will eventually even out and they will feel like you are mom and dad again soon.