Help -- Husband a Wuss When It Comes to Bedtime

Transition to a twin size mattress on the floor. Daddy can snuggle with him as he falls asleep. If daddy falls asleep, no big deal. Then daddy can transition to sitting next to the bed as DS falls asleep, then to a chair with his computer as DS falls asleep, etc. It's more gradual, gives daddy the time with DS, is more comfortable for everyone, and if DS wakes in the middle of the night (he will, his brain is changing a LOT and he can't help it), hubby can take him back to the bed and snuggle again if needed. It worked for us.

EDIT: Another mom had given the suggestion re. sitting in a chair with my computer, because I was a snuggler and it took forever for my son to fall asleep. We both do prefer to have the time together, so NOW I snuggle for maybe 5 minutes, then go to the chair if my son is still awake. He falls asleep VERY quickly once I'm in the chair, where it would take much longer for him to fall asleep if I were snuggling with him and he didn't fall asleep right away.

Switch hubs to wake up/breakfast duty. The BEST advice I got before I had my kids was to put them to bed AWAKE! I never rocked them or even stayed with them and I had the best sleepers! Good luck!

I don't know, I'm so happy to hear about such an attentive dad that I can only think of it as a good thing.

In my mind there are two camps or philosophies regarding babies/toddlers and bedtime/sleeping. Camp 1 - do what it takes to get them to sleep because it's only a phase and it will get better with time/love/patience/whatever works for your family. Camp 2 - teach them self soothe to get them to sleep (CIO, Feberize, etc.). By the sounds of it your husband is camp 1 while you are camp 2. I think it's important to realize neither camp is wrong and deserves the other's respect. Look at the variety of responses you get and you'll see both sides represented with normal, healthy sleeping kids. Perhaps the better tactic is to work with what you've got while respecting each person's parenting approach. With that said you have two options. One - ask your husband to take over night duty his way and you stay out of it, getting the sleep you need. If you have a monitor in your room, turn it off so you can sleep while he's down the hall rocking/co-sleeping/doing his thing to get your son to sleep. State any boundaries either of you has - no cosleeping, no disturbing you while you sleep, aversion to CIO, etc. Also tell him that he will now be committed to the night time duty. Win, lose or draw he has to make this work. His approach does not mesh with yours and it won't be your place to correct any monsters which may result from this night approach of his. Not a threat but an understanding that when you back off, you are backing all the way off. On the nights he's not around, you will do your approach which he is not responsible for. Two - ask your husband to switch childcare duties with you. He takes over another routine while you handle the night routine. Again state any boundaries either of you has.

You can try explaining your approach to the sleep/night routine but if your husband doesn't buy into, you are going to be stuck. Honestly you are not going to force, coerce, cajole, etc. your husband in to your way. No one likes being told what to do or how to do it. We shouldn't battle our children and neither should we battle our spouses. For me this falls under the heading 'pick your battles' and this should not be one of them. Good luck whatever you decide.

Your husband sounds very loving towards his son (perhaps a little misguided, sure, but loving all the same). I wish my ex husband had been that way with his boys.

:(

Leave them be or do it yourself. Seriously you are very lucky to have a man with such patience!

Many mama's would love to have a husband like your's. They are only babies for just a while.

You said it yourself.....that time is the only time your husband has with his son. Maybe he wants that closeness he feels he's missing because he's working during the day. He's not being a wuss.....he just wants to spend time with his son when and how he can.

And I guess I should say the best thing I ever did was let my kids sleep with me. We both got sleep and they have no problem falling asleep by themselves now that they are older. I would not change a thing.

Yeah, he's a wuss, but of the very best kind! I think it's sweet that he's willing to rock him for up to 1-1/2 hours, but also agree with you that it's not the best course of action! I also agree that you need to nip this in the bud before number 2 comes along.

Maybe you can present it to your husband along the lines of we need to get him sleep trained before the next baby otherwise YOU will be up all night rocking both babies and you do need your sleep for work.

I'm wondering if you can tape your nap routine and then play it for hubby so he'll actually see for himself that the baby will go to sleep if left alone for 10 minutes.

I know you aren't going to like what I'm about to say, but let it go. If he wants to do it this way and isn't complaining, don't worry about it. How would like it if he told you how to do something that you were comfortable doing your way, only because he wanted it. Pick your battle, heck, if I was you, I'd just go to sleep.

When my husband doesn't like the way I'm doing something I'm always happy and willing to say, fine, go ahead and do it yourself!
So if this is really a problem for you, then take over and let your husband do something else.
Though honestly I don't see the problem. I always nursed my kids to sleep, close to the age of two for all three of them, and when and if they woke up we brought them to bed with us and we all slept peacefully. We loved it.
They never had any "self soothing" issues or any other sleeping issues as they got older. Once they were weaned they were in real beds (not cribs) and they went to sleep just fine. They are all teenagers now and I can't tell you how precious and fleeting those snuggly baby and toddler moments are. It's too bad you aren't able to enjoy it more, especially with a man who clearly does :(

I'm torn here... at 17 months I would just rock him to sleep and save the sleep training for later ( though I was never pregnant with a 17 month old)
These are precious quiet moments that will be gone in the blink of an eye. What's the expression ? the days and nights are long but the years are short. Does hubby enjoy this time?

Aw, your Husband is really nurturing.
MOST 99% of Dads, would not do that at all. They don't even do bedtime duty.

Don't worry, a child will not sleep that way forever.
It is not permanent. Even if it seems like it for now.

I hear you. I especially hate when Dad brings baby to our bed because I am the only one who doesn't sleep :/ I agree with Jo W. - maybe have DH do all the night time stuff then you put DS in the crib. I think you have already received good advice/perspective from the other mamas but I want to tell you I empathize! DH looks real sweet from the outside but I get how aggravating it can be!

ETA: Seems like a lot of Mamas have low expectations for Dad?

I'm with MzKitty. Putting kids to bed while they're awake is the best thing you can do. They have to learn to self soothe. I say just put your foot down with hubby. Explain to him that he's creating a monster....he just doesn't know it yet.

I have no real advice....just wanted to let you know how lucky you are to have a husband who is such a good Daddy! Not a lot of dads want to do the night time routines and yours seems more than willing to take care of it!

Maybe try a compromise and ask husband to let him cry for 5 mins the first night before going back in...and then maybe work your way up to 10 mins?

If that doesn't work for your husband how about Thanking him repeatedly for taking care of the bedtime routine and just ask that he not bring him into your bed but that he is more than able to rock him to sleep in your sons room?

We had a hard time with our first one. He would cry and want to nurse to sleep. He never took a pacifier, but would be happy to nurse to sleep.

Suggestion: I would put a video camera in baby's room and record when you put him down. Then when he is asleep I'd turn the video camera off. After you have recorded several days, then record your husband's putting baby down.

BTW, Christy Lee is right.

Then have a movie night and play back the recording with your putting him down first. After seeing all the recordings, ask your husband if he would rather have the baby crying and miserable for 90 minutes or 10 minutes. That should convince him. It convinced my wife and I. We hired a babysitter for several days and let the babysitter deal with the baby getting used to going asleep without nursing. My wife and I had date nights instead of being home and listening to the crying that tugged on our heart strings.

Good luck to you and yours.

I think that you need to let your husband parent the way that he wants to but in a way that doesn't interfere with your sleep, which is a valid need, especially when pregnant. If co-sleeping bothers you, then let him know that if he wants to do the middle of the night wake up, he's welcome to stay with him, rock him to sleep or do whatever he wants as long as it doesn't involve waking you up.

Your son doesn't *need* to do anything. He's still a baby. He will get to this stage on his own and there is nothing wrong with your husband's approach, other than it causes you to lose sleep and that's the part that's not OK.

I never let me kids cry at night and didn't mind waking up with them, sleeping with them, rocking them to sleep, etc. That was precious time to me, but I didn't disturb my husband. He should afford you the same courtesy.

Sometimes the roles we choose are not the best roles for our personality. Sounds like night time is not his strength, find him a new role and take it over yourself.

Right now you are trying to force him to do what you want. It won't work. He does it his way or you do it your way. Trying to force someone to do it their way makes for great fights.

Think about how women feel when they are told the house isn't being cleaned right. What is your first reaction? If you don't like it do it yourself. I am actually amazed he hasn't thrown that at you yet.

So maybe give him bed prep, by your own words he seems good at that. Then tell him he is off baby duty for the night. If he is bored while you get him to bed he can do dishes or something.

I don't think he's a wuss I think he's a good daddy!!! Be thankful that he is willing to help you. There are a lot of men out there even if that's the only time they have together wont want to do any of that! He wants that time with him don't take that away from him. I tried the cry it out method with my kids and it did not work. They would scream and cry for hours. And to me there is no need for it. Sounds like he wants his daddy for security. If you son wakes up at night just stay in bed and don't worry about it and let your husband take care of him.

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His heart's in the right place-but it is going to backfire-it's really better for everyone to train the little one right now-it just gets more difficult-and sooner than you think, you will not be able to contain him in the crib-best of luck!

I get where you are coming from, a quick easy and pleasant bedtime is nice for all involved. Your husband may be willing to do the cuddle and rock routine, but other responders haven't considered that in tending to your son, he is less available for M. V.

Not sure how to help your husband to come around, but here are some thoughts -
1. let your hubs do all the bedtime routine, save the putting to sleep part.
2. you put him to sleep.
3. you respond to his late night wake ups.
4. do it for a week and your boy will be better at sleeping, whether it is with you or with hubs.

5. assuming the above doesn't work, if hubs brings baby to bed after a late night wake up, remove yourself from the situation. Let hubs know that you need to get a good night of sleep, and you are going to the sofa, guest room, wherever to make it happen. baby #2 needs a well rested momma to get a good start in life.

good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

ps - we did ferber, it worked for us.

I rocked my son every night at that age and it never affected his ability to self sooth. He's a great sleeper. I think it's a neat bonding time for the two of them. Let it be or do it yourself.

Hi, M.:

Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.

Here are ways a husband is an exciting lover to his wife:
Romance her
Offer to help her
Make time to listen
Adore her
Nourish and cherish her
Touch her non-sexually
Invest in her dreams
Commit to her

Show me a woman who feels that her husband deals with her tenderly--
with kindness, good manners, generosity, genuine affection, and understanding--
and I'll show you a happily married woman, regardless of external circumstances that may come against their union as a family.
Show me a husband who feels that his wife deals with him with respect--
admiration, appreciation, upholding his dignity as a man, thankful for his protection and provision--and I'll show you a happily married man, regardless of the stress he may feel from the outside world.

8 ways to be God's lover to your husband:
Revise your vows
Offer your body as a gift
Mentally shift into sexual gear
Admire him
Nurture your sexual feelings
Touch him in a sexual way
Ignite passion
Commit to romance

Foxes in the vineyard:
Wrong priorities
Young kids who wear us out
Teenagers who won't go to bed
Financial pressures
Changing seasons of a marriage
Poor health
Crowded schedules
Unrealistic expectations
Critical Spirits
Unresolved conflict

www.familylife.com

Good luck.
D.