Help!!!! - San Antonio,TX

Do you have orders that say he can take the baby out of town. Usually a father can not take the child out of town only if he lives out of town. If there are no papers that say he can take the baby you do not have to let the baby go. I am a paralegal and have worked with family law for a while.

You got some really excellent advice, I went through a divorce and pretty much agree with everything you have been told.
Even great Dads tend to lag behind in the child care dept. the first few years, they can be a little clueless.

One thing I would get him is a book on taking care of toddlers. Don't give it to him in a way that he is going to get defensive, like you are insulting his abilities. Maybe mention it as a book that helped you and many parents when dealing with toddler situations. We all need a little advice sometimes.
By the way, what do you mean when you say his parents are not to be trusted??

well yhe judge is going to set the visition ,and it will have to be followed unless you can prove that he and his parents are unfit ,its the law .sorry they are not always right or fair ,but you can be charged if you dont let him see his son.Good Luck
L.

Hi, Here is my opinion. If your soon to be ex is not a druggie, alcholic, abuser or would do anything to hurt your son, then let your son spend as much time as possible with him. (same thing with the g-parents). My story: I came up with every excuse possible to keep my kids with me and not to even visit their father. As a result, my children are grown and only talk to him on holidays and b-days. My son has suffered b/c of it. I had to confess a couple of years ago to my 18yr old son and 20 year old daughter that I was partly to blame for the lack of relationship between them and their father. (that was hard to do b/c I considered myself a "great" mom) Truth be told, I wanted control of the whole situation and I was also "getting back" at my husband for the hurt he had caused me. How immature and selfish is that??? I kept my children from their father just to have control. Oh, how sad. Guess what? After confessing to my kids, things did NOT get better. Damage already done. They're dad will call and the conversation only lasts about a minute.

So, please moms, if you really want to be a good mother, then unless your kids will be irrevocaly damaged, let them have a relationship with their father. So what if your ex takes your child around his g-friend. So what if your ex takes your child to his parents. (g-parents can play a HUGE role in they're g-childrens life) So what if your son grows up to spit like his dad. You continue to be a positive role model and NEVER talk bad about your childs parent to them or around them or let it get back to them. Doing so is a direct reflection on them and they'll take it personally rather they mean to or not.

**I welcome any responses and I'm sure to get them** :)

You should let him have him....after all it is the kid's father and grandparents. Don't use your son as a pawn between you and your husband. Your ex will have his parents to help him and a bond may develope between the two of them. This could also be a good thing for you. It will give you some time well deserved time for yourself and maybe when your son hits puberty and needs some male guidance, he will have his father to fall back on. Tell your husband you will start out slow (maybe one weekend a month). If that goes well you can increase it to two, then three. I don't think your son will grow up with a "skewed way of life." Just because parents share custody of their children doesn't mean "his parents are not to be trusted." He will do so much better if he has a mother and father who loves him despite of their differences. Work it out for the child's best interest.

Honestly you don't have a choice b/c the law will let him (as the father) be involved in your sons life in some way. My sister went through the exact same thing when her daughter was 2. She is now 7 and is a wonderful little girl. My sister lived in Ft. Worth and the father lived in Tulsa. She had to meet him half way every other Wednesday evening and got her back on Sunday evenings. It was so h*** o* my sister b/c she knew her daughter didn't want to go and she would just cry when my sister would leave her with him. They weren't and had never been married but the law said the father got to be his child. I know it is really hard to imagine and my heart truly goes out to you. I just found out 2 months ago my husband has been having a 3 month affair. I have for now chosen to stay with him and go through counseling mostly for the sake of the kids. I hope that one day I can find happiness in our marriage but right now I can't imagine that. I am really sorry for your pain. I hope that as your son gets older things will get easier. Please let me know if you need to talk. I will pray for strength for you. Take care.

Just like you learned to do everything as a new mother, your ex will also...instincts! He has every right to have a relationship with your son. I am in a similiar situation, although divorced, per my divorce decree I should know his addres (and I don't) do imagine having to let my son go with him every 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekend and NOT KNOW where he is....I will bring back to court for that but I just have to trust that he is taken care of and if ANYTHING happens...HE will be accountable for it! So you just do YOUR part and the rest will work out

I would let him know that you do want your son to know him and his grandparents. Maybe you could go to Austin during those weekends and let them all meet and spend time together and then when your son is familar with eveyone then he can spend the nights.

If the court allows him visitation on these weekends you need to let him go be with his dad. He isn't too young, when my husband and his ex-wife divorced their daughter was not quite 2 and 1/2 and she had overnight weekends with daddy and did just fine. But her mother never made it a bad or scary thing, it was just a fact of life, she has two houses and two beds. I think this was the key. She has never once asked for her mom when she's been with him, or with us since we've been together. Kids adapt to their surroundings.

If you're that concerned about his safety, call CPS and have them do a wellness check to make sure the environment is healthy for a child. Keep in mind, a 2.5 year old is not a newborn and does not require the level of care that a newborn does, so he might surprise you and do quite well caring for his son. Your son will need his father, so if this man wants to step up and be a dad, I think you owe it to your son to give him a chance.

Insist that he complete a parenting class, and then share custody. Your son will resent you in the long run if you keep him away from his father. Then you communicate. Communicate with your ex. Communicate with your son (which will get easier as he gets older). AND communicate with your ex in-laws. Treat them as if they love your son as much as you do -- because they probably do.

My heart goes out to you. I had to do the same thing with my kids my youngest was 2 and almost 3 when our divorce started. I was the same as you worried about my kids being with him and his family without my guidance. Hard thing to learn to accept is that this is who you chose to have kids with so you'll have to deal with it. The best thing for your child is to have both parents in their life and so much easier when the parent is a good parent. If your ex gets the law on his side he will get the very visiting rights he has described to you. The only thing you could ever to if he gets court orders is not let them go then he can call a police officer to acompany him to your house and unless you and the child presents reason why he shouldn't go then the law will let your husband take him and then since there will be a record of this happening can make you look bad in court if he takes you back for whatever reason such as you not holding up to court orders. So if there is court orders be careful. If he's wanting to do all of this without court orders then you don't have to let your child go by exactly what their wanting, if you can I would start out slowly. My heart goes out to you I had a really hard time because my ex and his family have priorities really screwed up but I have never told them they can't go and when each of my children turned 12 they quit going every weekend. I feel if I would have got in the way of them going then they may have had a way of making up excuses to themselves like dad would have treated me better or loved me more if mom would have let me go. When he is just actually a selfish person. Ga and it really sucked all those years they can't be like regular kids and be home every weekend. Like I said though when they turned 12 they saw everything for what it was. It makes going to church and everything hard. I'd let their dad have them for weddings, parties or whatever and unless he's behind on child support he'd have some lame excuse why he couldn't work with me when they'd have something to attend on myside or even a birthday party at school. The behind on childsupport is what he has been for the last 4 years and its kinda wonderful because then he's easy to get along with. Speaking of if your ex is wanting to just come up with an idea of when he can see his child and doesn't have a court order it maybe because he doesn't want to start paying. Do not let him by without helping you with child support, and lucky you if you can get all this done without court orders. I say this because with court orders if they don't pay child support you still have to let your kids go. Good luck and I hope my rambling and blogging makes since to you.

Tell your ex you are more than willing to work with him to get to the point where your son is comfortable going away with him for a weekend. But that after no contact for so long to weekends away is not fair to his son.

explain to him that do to his own actions his son doesn't even know him yet and to try and take him overnight at this point could cause his son to be afraid of him instead of wanting to be with him.

Tell him that he needs to first spend an hour or so with you present so your son sees that he is someone to be trusted, then take him out to a park or even to the McDonalds play area for an hour or so.

This way, your son learns that this man is someone he can go places with and he will still be brought home to mommy. After a couple of days have him spend an entire day with your son. The length of time is normally worrying to a child, but if he plans stuff well and brings your son back at the appointed time your son will learn to trust that he will return to mommy.

Have him do this two or three times...After this, your two year old should be ready for an overnight visit and your ex will have figured out the ins and outs of taking care of your son at a much closer range for you...

I hope your ex is able to understand that chjildren this age can go through extreme stranger anxiety and that this is really best for his son and everyone involved. Remind him that if he just takes his son and his son wants you the whole time, he will just end up being angry and resentful instead of having fun getting to know his child...

Good luck... ;-)

R.,
You've gotten some really excellent advise. I can't really add anything to it, but I can definitely understand your concern. We're used to doing everything without question and then it worries us that dad finally wants to do something. The bottom line is...you have to do what's best for your son. Down the road, the more you keep him away from his father, the more he will resent YOU. Trial and error is the only way your ex will learn and children are definitly resilient. Things can't always be done the way we see fit and that's a control issue we personally need to work on. Have faith. Keep the communication open with the ex and his parents. If things start becoming a concern, you can then go from there.
Good Luck

Talk with his parents, let them know what will happen when you are not around. Warn them that they are to be the baby sitters all the time he brings your child home, the child is to be with his father that is what the court papers will say. Then when the father gets over whelmed with having the child all the time with no sleep, no hot meals, no bathroom stops for himself and at times no bed of his own he may have different feelings of what you went through. There is more. to having a child then just the hugs and playtime. Sooner or later that child will get sick when dad has him. this will be the real test of how much time the father wants to spend with his child, they will both grow up and the child will still have a father,
one that now knows what you went through every day all day, at least we hope he does. Good luck

Talk to your lawyer. Your son may be considered too young for overnights. Your ex may turn out to be a good dad. I know from my previous experience, my ex was not a hands on dad either... but he was and still is a very good dad. I did the majority of taking care of my kids since I was an at home mom. Since my divorce, my ex has learned very quickly how to take care of small kids. I also learned very quickly how to juggle motherhood with working. Good luck and always allow time for the other parent and his or her family once your son is old enough and they provide a safe and caring environment.

R.,
If his plan is to have his parents around the baby then you might want to ask yourself if you trust them to care for him. If the answer is yes, then you should go for it! We have a shortage of grandparents and kids really do benefit from them. Grandparents live for the day they can have a relationship with their grandkids. Good Luck!

Oh - if at all possible try to start getting on the same page as your ex and the sooner the better. Children quickly learn how to manipulate both sides. Just speaking from experience and no it wasn't easy at all! But my daughter has 4 parents that love her and we all stay in the loop.

So, if the child will be safe - then let him go with him. One or two 3hr trips to Austin and back with a 2 year old and a father that is not used to children. Well - the situation will probably resolve itself.

Hi, i know what you are going through and i dont know if it will help or not but i know that there is a clause that you can put in the custody papers that until your child is three years old he can only go on daytime visitation and not stay the night anywhere. So if your soon to be ex wanted to see him on the weekends he could take him that morning and then have to return him to you that night. I had to do the same thing but the only bad thing is that is only works until he is 3 but i hope it will help some. I will keep you and your son in my prayers that everything works out ok for you!!

I know it's hard, but you must let the father do whatever is in the best interest in tyhe child's life while he is in charge of him the days assigned.

He wil be okay. I have been through something similar back in 1995. My kids are now 22, 19, 15, and 13. We made it you all can too. If you feel for some reason it is not in the best interest for him to do this let the judge know and the judge will make the final decision and all three of you will have to live with it.

Remember the child. There are so many children whose father's do not want to spend even and hour with their child, because they can't stand the mother. So don't punish the child for his and your break up. Pray in Jesus name and ask God for peace (if you all believe in God) and go in peace and enjoy your little time alone.

It will be very hard at first, but you will make it. Think about your son though and not your fears and feelings. This will encourage dad to be there more for his child. Hold on and be strong, try not to whine too much and complain, just trust God like never before and he will bring you through.

Dear R.
No, don't just suck it up!!
Fight for your child's best interests because you as a mother instinctively know what they are.
State firmly that your child is at a very tender age (2.5 yrs) and that you would only feel happy about access if it is supervised - i.e. in your company for say, an afternoon at a time which would be enough for his age.
Thereby you are not denying access, just supervising it while he is still so young.
Good luck
Jewel

I understand your concerns and the most important thing to ask here is, "Is your son in a safe and loving environment when he is with his grandparents?" If the answer is yes, then maybe you can make some concessions. Your son is very young and kids are very resillient. He won't even remember that Dad was gone since he is so young. As for not sleeping, your son will act like every two-year old and cry for Mom...until he is distracted and then it will stop and he will adjust. Give it a whirl and see how it works out...maybe grandparents don't recall how much work a toddler can be and will have enough sooner than later.

I have a five year old grandson and a 6 month old grandson. Both stay with me over night. Sometimes several nights. Kids will go to sleep when they get tired. The not falling asleep without mom is not as much child as it is mom. Yes they cry and want mom but the only way to learn that it is ok to sleeep over is to do it. I do understand your concern though. My grandbabies also have a father that was never a consistant part of their lives and the oldest has to go spend the weekend with him once a month. It is no fun for those of us who feel he is inept and doesn't know what he is doing. But regardless that is the baby's father and he deserves the right to see him and spend time with him even if he does take him to his parents. Assuming he has good parents, there at least, he has someone to help with the things he doesn't know how to handle. You see up until now i dealt the the boys father not letting them stay with us because he didn't care for us and we didn't care for him. I missed out on the first 4 years of my grandson's life because of it. So in my opinion even if his parents want to see the baby with out dad try to work with them and get along. Your son needs his entire family...not just the part that you like. I have no relationship with my dad now at 37 years old and neverreally have because my mom didn't feel he could take care of me and she didn't like what he had done to her and the woman he left her for. Sometime's I wish things were different.

I have a similar situation with my 3 year old but his father has court ordered visitation. So I don't have a choice of if he gets to see him or not.

First of all, it's going to be hard for you to adjust. Remember kids are much more flexible then we give them credit for and this will give you some time to focus on yourself. Your son is beginning to communicate so that should reassure you a little. So if things are going bad, he can tell you. I'm not advocating you pepper him with questions on his return, but take comfort in that fact. In general I think it is important that a child know both his parents, but I don't know your situation.

If you were going to start visitation, I would start out with a few half day visits to get your son used to being away from you. However don't know if this is feasibile though.

Good luck! You will get through this and figure out the best thing to do.
J.

Hi R. -

No - you can suck it up when your child is 18, not 2 years old! I know in your heart, you know this to be true.

What you need to fucus on CONSTANTLY here is "In the Best Interests of the Child" - this is a court term that all judges like to hear because that is "their" main objective in these cases, as it should be! Go ahead and let your ex complain about what "he" wants. It's not about him. What you need to repeatedly say and show the judge is that this is about what is best for the child, not anyone else.

You have all the experience with your son and he is way too young to be taken away for extended periods of time like that. It is not in his best interest to be away from you for that long. So then you compromise - very little. The reason why you show that you are willing to give very little is so that you can get more of what is reasonable concerning what your child needs. Do not expect to get what you ask for, and know that this is how the legal game is played out. You ask for a lot, only willing to give a limited amount, and you can expect to get something in the middle. Like it or not, this is court strategy and if you don't know this from the beginning, you are in for a long and difficult ride here!

This first court ruling is crucial because if you want anything changed, it will take a lengthy bit of time and a lot of work. Meanwhile, your child suffers the consequences - do you understand what I am saying here? Get it right the first time.

What I would say in court is that although you fully respect your ex's rights as a father, he is not familiar with your son and lacks parenting skills with a small child, as he chose to have very limited contact with your son from the start. It is therefore only reasonable to consider this heavily, concerning visitation and your son's well being.

Further, in consideration of your ex's paternal rights (and it is important that you do show respect here) you would be willing to allow supervised visitation (of say 3 hours on a weekend day, twice a month at most) until he has successfully completed parenting classes for toddler care, and proves this to the courts. During this time of supervised visitation, he can build more of a relationship with the child, which can lead into the child feeling more comfortable with the father as a successful and competent care-giver.

R., this may sound really rigid but it's just what you must do to get what is appropriate for you child. I cannot stress this enough - it's just the way of legal strategy to get your child protected so he can feel as safe and secure as possible. If you do not do this, you are taking chances with your child's well-being and you will be the one to pick up all the pieces - it can be heart-wrenching.

You would also need to request an agreed-upon person for the supervised visitation; not his parents but either yourself, or someone mutually connected if possible. There are also child counselors that can be the supervisor during visitation and if you cannot agree upon someone, the courts may order a child counselor for this. They are often invaluable for their insight as they supervise and observe the interaction going on during visitation. Actually, you can request this specialist, along with documented reports from them regarding visitations and as to how the father relates to the child, according to the counselor. These reports would then be allowed in the court for consideration. You should find one or two child therapists that do this - that are reputable and understanding of the situation - so that you can offer such a solution for supervised visitation during your court visit. The more prepared you are, the better.

R. - you must understand the court system and respect it's power. You must take all of this seriously and honor your own insights and wisdom concerning what is best for your child. Then you must play hard ball here - and know you must appear in court as very reasonable, respectful and also somewhat hard-nosed about what you will not agree to with regards to your child. It is for your son's well-being that you do this. It may seem overwhelming and scary to deal with however, besides myself, I have seen many women handle this very competently and successfully, with happier results for their children. I have no doubt you can do the same!

I have been through much in the court system as a single mother and I give you this advice from years of experience in court battles with my ex. This advice will save you much heartache, and save your child much trauma - yes trauma. I do hope that you know never to "suck-it-up" where your son is concerned - you will regret it. You have to be strong and stand firm - and in the long run, you will never regret this.

You might find that your ex will not want to go to the classes and this will show the court who actually is the responsible parent. It will show you also. If he truly cares, he will do anything to be a good parent. It is best to set the line in the beginning.

Also, have at least one friend that you can call throughout this court stuff that will support you and tell you not to give up and not to yield where you do not have to. You may need this; friendships that you can count on during these times are invaluable to you . . . and your little one!

Good luck,
Alli

Would it work if you request a 2 year period transition? What I mean is that you might be able to argue the fact that your soon is too young for a drastic change and he would have to go to a slow transition for his best interest. By your statement seems that the father has not been close to your son and having your son spend entire weekends with him could be detrimental for his mental health. Just a thought!

While I, personally, have never been involved in a custody situation, 2 of my brother-in-laws have kids from previous relationships, and it seems to me that the 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends of the month is pretty standard visitation for the non-custodial parent (unless the custodial parent agrees to more) in the state of Texas. The courts will still recognize that your soon-to-be-ex-husband is your son's father and should have these visitation rights unless you can proove that he is unfit to be alone with your son (which I'm told is difficult to do). So, I'm not sure that there is much you can do to prevent these weekend visits.

Now, you might look in to the age a child should be for an overnight visit with the non-custodial parent. Two and a half seems very young to me, and it may be that the courts see it that way also and wouldn't want to allow your ex to have your son overnight until he is 3 or 4. Also, check to see if you can mandate that your ex cannot take him out of the county or whatever, if you really don't want him taking your son to Austin. If it is stated and agreed to in the custody decree, then your ex has to abide by that.

As far as your concern about your son growing up with a skewed idea of how things should be, try not to worry. Keep in mind that as he grows up, he probably won't remember you and your ex ever being together. His memories will consist of living with Mommy and visiting Daddy. That will be his norm. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!

Believe me, your son can fall asleep without you there but I would be concerned about taking a 2 year old on a long trip and young ones don't usually sit well for hours in a car.
Is this a court ordered thing that your husband have the child every weekend? If not then I would say no and if Austin is out of state, then definently no.

I would shoot for every other weekend and follow my lawyers advise on taking the child out of state.

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this situation. However, if you have a standard visitation schedule, you have to abide by it. The father is entitled to the visitations set forth by the court. Also, the age of the child does not limit the father's rights to overnight stays. If you feel that either your ex-husband or his parents are neglectful or abusive, then you need to take proper, legal action. Contact your attorney and ask for his/her advice. I, too, speak from experience. Even as a non-custodial parent, he is entitled to his rights.

R.,

It doesn't sound like he wants custody on those weekends. It sounds like that's the standard Texas visitation schedule for non-custodial parents. My ex also got dinners every Wednesday. Anyhow, if you have concerns, I would try to speak to your ex first. Perhaps suggest that your son go on long trips maybe on the first weekend of his visits for the month and slowly build up. He may see that you're not denying anything and may take your suggestions to heart. If that doesn't work, then I'd reach out to the grandparents (since that's where your son would be going) and explain your concerns. I'm sure they want their grandson to be comfortable while in their care. Would it be possible for you to go to Austin on any of those weekends as well? It could be a mini getaway for you; but you'd also be closer should an issue arise. Just a thought. Anyhow, try to keep that line of communication open. If your ex is indeed just going to drop off your son at his parents house on his weekend, that's his right during his visitation weekends. As long as no harm is coming to your son, legally, there's not much you can do.

Good luck!
A. W.

Dear R.,
My name is D.,

I'm going thru a tough situation myself, and the thing I want to stress is listen to your gut feelings with regards to your son, if your gut tells don't do it, DON'T. I don't know your soon to be X and unfortunatly you probebly have questions now about him yourself. I have a request i recently put in if you want to read it but my point is, I didn't listen to my gut and now i don't know when i will see my 7 year old daughter whom has been with me sense she was born. My situation started with just a visit to her dad's! anyway I don't want to scare you and it may be he just want's to be a part of his life if so great! But your son came from your body and your body didn't let you down having him and it won't let down as to what to do for him. Please, listen to your gut instinct it knows better.
I also have a 22year old and she graduated high sch. and is a certified dental assistant, They do get thru things grow up and have the ability chose who they want to see and for my kids they always want to see me and be apart of my life as I will always want to be apart of theres. I know your son will always want to be apart of your life because you gave it to him!

Sincerely your friend!
D.

Hope This helps!

I think you should suck it up and see what happens. Children are resilient and can bounce back and adjust quickly. This would be the perfect opportunity for you ex-husband to build the bond that your son needs to become the strong person that he is meant to be, and with your support will be able to use good judgement in his future obsticles. This could also be a good opportunity for your ex to learn what he doesn't already know about his son and vise versa. Just remember to try to have a positive attitude and use your good judgement; without being selfish, when making decisions about your ex's next relationship and its affect on your son.
D.

Make him take you to court about it. Let a judge decide the visitation. If you have evidence that his parents are not to be trusted, and that you "soon-to-be-ex" never spent time with the boy, then the judge will be in your favor. DON'T LET HIM BULLY YOU! Just tell him that visitation will be resolved in court. End of story. Stick to your guns, girl! Your concern is for your CHILD, NOT hurting his feelings!

You have to follow court ordered visitation without question but you do not have to be a door mat. If he does not show up on time to pick them up you do not have to let them go. Make sure to document it!

My situation with my ex was similar. At the begining he picked up our children to spite me. When he stopped getting a negative reaction from me, he stopped.

It is important for kids to have a relationship with both of you. Prepare your children for the visits and be as positive as you can. Good luck!

Never underestimate the power of knowing what is best for your child. He has entrusted you with taking care of him. So don't give in. You are there to look for your child's best interest. As he grows older things can be adjusted.

R.,

It might not seem like it but it's a good thing your husband wants to spend time with your cild. But I would talk with a family therapist about it. They could help you work out the best solution for the child.
Having his parents involved could be a blessing. If you get along with them. The whole it takes a village.

Also I owuld type out notes about things he likes etc... Not in a controlling way but in a here is a cheat sheet for the mini.

Good luck