Please respond to the questions.
As some may know I'm separated, divorce hearing date is around the corner. My husband hasn't asked for visitation and recently tried to manipulate me into seeking it for him, but I had my thinking cap on that day and reminded him of the address for Probate Court. He's not going b/c he doesn't want to pay child support. FYI, the baby could potentially be awarded nearly 2k a month. So, I'm leaving it up to the judge. I don't need to stress about it anymore. In the meantime, I'm depleting my savings. :o( I buy formula, diapers, clothing, and now shoes since she's really getting around, etc.
He now wants to take "holiday pictures" and expects for me to dress the baby. I asked him if he planned on buying the attire. He said he will leave it up to me and asked me to find a location, or give him some ideas. I told him she has nothing festive in her closet and I don't have money to buy a dress, shoes, hose, etc. and I'm not a planner. The most I'm going to do is bring the baby. He's not going to manipulate visitation under the guise of holiday picture taking. Why does he not seem to understand his responsibilities? Isn't it his responsibility to provide for the event? ***I'm not denying the opportunity, I'm simply not funding it.***
What about school searches, she's about to turn one? Doctor's appointments? Why doesn't he asked to be involved in what's important for her future development? All I hear from him now is activities/holidays. Instead of him buying a stroller, he would ask to use mine. NO more. He has to buy one. In fact, I believe he's going to be in for a rude awakening on judgment day.
Another example, he wanted her to attend his nephew's birthday party. I brought the baby and a gift because he never considered buying one. Enough of that. I'm not going broke. No more. Anything extra he wants her to partake in, he has to finance it.
1) Since I told him he has to finance the occasion he has not come through with a solid plan yet. He's asked me for ideas. No surprise there! I'm quickly learning his manipulating ways and I'm not investing time and energy or a thought with planning. Given that he has no clue, leads me to believe a holiday picture wasn't his idea.
2) Also, I was warned to be leery of his motives for wanting to take holiday pictures as a family (including me) because he might try to use it in court against me. Whew! I didn't think of that but it's not beneath him. The only time I would take a picture with him is if we are both out supporting our child at an event she's participating in, other than that there will be no dynamic trio photo-ops.
3) He has been told every and any outing that she is available for is on his dime and that he has to purchase the basic necessities (diapers, stroller, etc.) and not to wait until the last minute to inform me as I do try to work with him, but I'm not going to jump every time his brain bulb flashes on and he remembers he's got a daughter.
4) VISITATION, I am not budging in that area. He has to ask family court if he SINCERELY wants to be involved in her life. We already tried the gentleman's handshake agreement and he broke the agreement a few times which caused tension so I'm going to use legal intervention whether he likes it or not.
Other than that, I'm staying positive for our child's sake. No stress, no worries.
Thanks for the input!
Mt sister and bio dad (my niece's father) send her back and forth in her "exchange outfit"...she goes back an forth in the same outfit each time...both household have separate everything for her. Even medication and a nebulizer for her asthma. They exchange nothing but the child.
My ex husband was the same way too, but you know what I discovered? It was best for me to dress our son and have him ready for things like that. I'm not talking about buying new outfits or anything, but it's been that way for years. I always have him the night before school pictures, etc, because I'm the one who fixed his hair nice and had a nice shirt on him. It's not like his dad didn't try, but one year of the comb-over look and hair spray was enough for us to agree that I would do that stuff. It worked out for us.
If dad wants a special "holiday" outfit for the baby, tell him what size and let him buy one, then, you can get her dolled up and HE can pay for the pictures.
If he doesn't want to do any of that, then you don't have to pay for pictures and you don't have to go any further than putting anything cute she already has on her even if he agrees to pay for the photos.
Don't be more worried about what she wears than letting him get pictures taken of her. She's probably darling and as long as she's warm enough while you get her where she's going, whatever she has on will be cute.
Believe me, I'm so sorry, but it takes a while to get things figured out as far as who does what and what works out best.
Like I said, it worked out best for me to do the prep for photos and I never regretted it.
Hang in there.
Best wishes!
Do not do anything for your husband! He must do everything by himself financially for your baby's holiday picture. Same goes for everything else. If he wants visitation, HE will ask for it. He wants you to do his dirty work??? I don't think so!
yes, if you came up with the idea, then you wouldnt expect him to pay right, it was his idea, and his wanting to then he can take care of it. You dont ask somebody to dinner then expect them to pay.
Take a holiday picture with you and your child.
Make your child available to her father at court designated visitation only and send her off clean and clothed appropriately for the weather. It is his job to stock his home with the clothes, medication, toys, bedroom, etc.
Will she be irreparably damaged if the father is ticked off at you and doesn't get a holiday photo taken with his daughter in some sort of sad revenge? No.
It's her first Christmas right?? I would probably want pictures and would find away to dress her festive so I had those keepsakes as well. Please try to get along as best as you can for your daughter....it will be so much better for her as she is growing up. I know how hard it can be. Pick your battles, go to court, do all that....just remember you created this child with him and owe your daughter the best life possible.
Does he really think that not showing up for court will get him out of child support. I'm ROTFL! While your at court you should also as the judge to make sure he has to pay for medical insurance, and a college fund. If he is looking a 2 grand a month in child support, he can afford that too. Maybe even your legal fees since he won't be there to dispute it. And yes judges have been know to give all of these things to custodial parents. Especially when the absentee parent doesn't show the judge the courtesy of appearing like he/she is supposed to. After all if he can't be bothered to go to court is he really showing he can be responsible for a child? As far as the pics, or any other activity he wants to do with her, also his responsibility. However, if you are going to have primary custody of her, for your sake and hers, your better off being the one to research schools, and make the doctors appointments etc...It sounds like he's not responsible enough to do those things, and she's the one who will suffer for his laziness if it's left up to him.
I think you've answered your own questions so I'm just going to validate it. He can pick up your/his child anytime with reasonable notice if you're allowing it before there is a structured visitation schedule. If he wants to take a holiday picture, that's on his dime, but since he has given you nothing, I wouldn't help him arrange this in any way. Don't take her to the photo place, don't research it, and don't take her to the nephew's birthday party with a gift.
Put your "permission" in writing either through an email or a letter to your ex. Just say that you are meeting her necessary expenses (food, clothing, diapers, formula) and that you cannot finance a fancy outfit or a photo session or any other luxuries. Period. I wouldn't put a whole lot of detail about how ticked off you are - just be business-like and then you will have proof that you offered visitation. Keep his responses in which he lists all the things he wants you to do on his behalf. Do not engage in endless phone calls where he tries to manipulate you - you will have no proof of what he said, and he will just continue to influence you. I would, if I were you, take notes and keep a diary of phone calls, with date and content.
You do not have to provide him with equipment like a stroller or a car seat - he can buy these at consignment shops or yard sales like everyone else. He can figure out her size, her diaper needs, and so on. In her interests, I would consider giving him your diaper bag with 1 diaper and the right formula so that she isn't hungry, but other than that, I wouldn't help him out much.
Yes, he will be in for a rude awakening. Just take the high road. It's not going to be fruitful to ask him to engage in school searches or doctor's appointments. He's not that kind of guy, at least not at this point. He's into the "public" displays of dedicating parenting - like photo memories he can show off to others. He's not into the day-to-day. Your best bet is to have those needs included in a support agreement so that her medical and education needs receive proper funding from him.
So don't give him any ideas, don't find a place, don't dress her in anything other than her daily clothes. Let him do it. Just say it's his idea and he should plan it. End of conversation. You do not need to stay on the phone with him about this stuff - just say that if he wants to talk about her needs, fine, but his needs/wants, you don't have time or the right to structure those! "Oh I wouldn't dream of telling you what to do. You'll have to decide what's best in that area."
When he says to you that he wants to do this or do that, just say, "Oh, okay," and just leave it at that. Don't ask him how he is going to make it happen or when he's going to do it. Let him figure it all out . . . or not. You are right to let him figure it out all by himself from now on.
F.-
I am already divorced (have been for over 5 years now). My now ex has not seen the kids in just over two years...long, very sad story...
Anyway, during the 'separated' years (yes...years), the ex did much the same...expecting ME to pack all things up for him and get the kids 'all wrapped up' like a present for him...anyway, was easier when there was 'set' visitation...but he lost interest in any case *sigh*. BUT, I did it...FOR the kids. Now I (and the kids) can look back and say that I did all that was possible...and now it is fully on HIM to build/continue relationships. I have NO GUILT...and the kids have disappointment, perhaps anger...neither is directed at me.
One thing I DID do the x mas before divorce was final is I dressed all kids up...hired a photographer...and had a picture taken of all the kids...just them. I framed them all and gave them as gifts to ex and his family...The kids, after all...were the best part of the marriage in any case....
Best of luck...please remember to love your child MORE than you hate...or are angry with him...and there will be few regrets when all is 'settled'...IMO
Take Care
michele/cat
Even if you don't have a holiday outfit, at least get some pics done at Target or somethere cheap (for YOU and for HER to have when she gets older). My son's first Christmas pics were from Wal Mart and in a long onesie/warm sleeper with bare feet (I love baby feet!) and it was so cute!
Target has coupons online (http://bit.ly/ClickOffers) for a $7.99 package.
Sears also has a $7.99 package (http://bit.ly/SeasonalPortraitOffers).
The prices are the same, but I think Target's deal is better because you get an extra 8x10, 5x7, and 12 more wallets (no minis). Sears includes 16 minis, but only one 8x10 and 5x7.
technically, you SHOULD be handing her to him during his visitation and wave byebye. he shouldn't be asking YOU for anything. are these pictures excluding you? you should have NOTHING to do with that. if his child support may be 2000 per month - and he's not even paying that yet? i find it REALLY hard to believe that you could afford this better than he could. nope. separated/divorced means he's not your problem anymore. (that said, you will probably always be the one "taking care" of your daughter. most dads, and it sounds like he is no exception, are not thinking "she needs school clothes", "she needs her yearly checkup". not going to happen. get used to the idea that it will all be on you, and make peace with that now. just don't include HIM in the "everything" you take care of!)
I would not pay a dime for him to do anything. I would not let him take her unless he has his own car seat , stroller , diapers ! What the hell is wrong with this man. I am sorry but holiday photos would only be with you. If he wants them let him pay for it. Just because he does not go to court does not mean he doesnt have to pay for child support, what an idiot! Get his check attached! Make sure you have everything you want written down, include money for clothes because she grows out of what she has, insurance for her, college money, day care, extra money for activities she will do such as dance. He should be paying for half of everything! He needs to get a wardrobe for her for is house, a stroller, car seat and crib. Time for daddy to grow up!
Does your court have mediation/arbitration?
Have you had any hearings of that nature?
You may want to consider getting some guidance before the divorce
is final regarding financial issues, visitation, etc.
I think it's better if you have some ideas in place
rather than simply leaving everything up to the judge.
Good luck!
