Having an Only Child

Hi G., Wow you have taken my words right out of my mouth. I have only one child, she is 5. I also had a horrible pregnancy even worse delivery, and PPD, and a colicy baby who did not sleep thru the night untill almost 3 yrs old. Don't get me wrong, it was all worth it in the end, my daughter is the love of mt life, and she is perfect! Every one in my family asks my husband and I all the time, or they come right out and tell us we better hurry up ect.. And like you when I say we are happy with our family as is they look at me like I am horrible, and say things like don't you want Sydney to have a brother or sister?? Oh she will be lonely later on ect... How nice of people to say to me, how do they know that I don't have a medical condition that I cannot have anymore!! Ofcourse no one beleives that PPD is a medical condition, what it is then a choice?? My daughter is so loved and happy. I had a brother and sister whom I love but am not close to at all, and never was. I actually always wanted to be an only child. Who is to say if I have another one that they will even get along later in life. I want to give my child a good education and a very good life, I do not need to have multiple children to do that. Their is NOTHING wrong with you to have made this decision. I also say I have to put my daughter first, and I am afraid like you that I will not recover from another one, and I cannot do that to my daughter she needs me. I need her. I am happy, my husband is happy, so who cares what anyone else thinks!!! And trust me, we travel so much with our daughter and have so much fun, for me 3 kids I just do not think its for me. So keep your head up, and do what makes you feel right, not what other people think is right. Take care!!

1 mom found this helpful

if that is how you feel and said you had a rough go of it all why would you want to put yourself through that again.trust your instincts.don't listen to what other people say even though it's hard to hold your tongue sometimes. thereis nothing wrong with having just one child.

1 mom found this helpful

My only child is now 24. There are pros and cons, but the most important factor is what works for you. If I had to do it over again, I would still only have one.

We made sure he had socialization opportunity, but he did spend a lot of time with adults. I think that helped him mature. We also did foster care for several years, so he had some older siblings for a while, and he is friends with them to this day.

Here's a story that sums it up. When my son got married, I asked the nosy question: "have you thought about kids and how many?" He and his wife laughed, and said that they had talked about it and decided on just one child, because each of them was an only child, and they LOVED IT!

I've made the same choice. So long as your husband is on the same page, who cares what everyone else is doing or saying (especially mother-in-laws - lol). We won't have to worry about the kids fighting in the back seat, right? So, maybe our children won't share as well as others; or maybe they'll share better. We'll have to play with them more often - to keep them entertained sometimes - but what's wrong with that - I can't wait until my 16 month old wants to play CandyLand with me! Children are expensive - not that money should matter - but in the real world, it does.

My husband is an "only" - as a result, he's very artistic and outgoing and he has lots of friends. I have a brother - we fought for 15 years - until he went to college. We didn't become friends until we were in our 30s. On the negative - as we age, our only child will solely bear the burden of our care. But I've seen families with three or more adult kids - and only one ends up taking care of mom anyway.

I hope this helps. I could go on and on. Get in touch - we live in H2OTown too - and our daughters are the same age!

I was not an only child, and I have 2 boys myself -- HOWEVER I think it's wonderful to be fully happy with the one you have. I know other people who decided to just have one -- for whatever their reasons and they have no regrets. Don't question yourself or allow others to make you feel bad. It's actually quite rude I think that they are pressuring you so much.

Hi G.,
I am the mom of an only child. My son will be 4 next week! (I can't believe it!) My husband is an only child, and I have siblings who are 8 and 10 years older than I am so I grew up very much like an only child. Our basic reasons for sticking with one is that we are "older" (I'm 43, DH 46) but even more so, we knew that for us, another child would add more stress (financially and mentally) to our lives and we want to enjoy our son. I,too, am in a playgroup with moms who have 2 kids and two are pregnant with a third. No judgement from them, but I get twinges sometimes. Am I denying my son a sibling? Will he not have close bonds with people because he's an only child? Who knows, there are pros and cons to every life decision. Some things are harder (no built in playmates at home) some easier (We are out of diapers forever!) But I know that it is the right choice for our family. I also get the "When are you having another?" and "But he needs a little brother/sister." And when I get that from someone I'm not close to (which is really the only kind of person that says that sort of thing) I will say something like "Tell you what. You get pregnant, you carry for 9 months and deliver the baby, you figure out how to pay for its college education and then I'll take the child and raise it." That usually shuts them up. Men or women.
Be secure in your decisions. You know what is right for you and your family. No one else does. Love and enjoy your daughter and husband.

Hi G.,
you have gotten some lovely advice aleardy - so I will just throw in my two cents quickly.

I did have a sibling growing up - an older brother (2 1/2 years older). We never were close, and we probably never will be. I always wanted a sister!!

Just because you provide your child with a sibling doesn't mean they will be close or get along or enjoy each other!

I agree with the previous respondants who have said - know yourself, know your family, and be comortable with your decision. I havae friends who decided they didn't want to be parents - that's a lot of pressure to face, too. but, they are secure and happy in their decision.

I invite you to be secure and happy in your decision, too.
As you said, it's your family, and your body. If you feel good about your decision, don't let anyone else make you feel bad about it! I like the idea of just smiling sweetly and saying "when the time is right" - only you have to know the answer is "NEVER!".

Having said that, I wonder if there is any ambivalence for you around this? Are people making you question your own decision, or are they providing an opportunity for you to examine your own feelings? In your post, you sounded pretty sure that you are done - and that is fine as long as you feel that way!

One other possible response would be to tell people - It's just not possible for us to have any more children (of course, if they are rude enough to pressure you they will probably be rude enough to make further inquiries...).
You will have to find a response that works for you in shutting people off...

Good Luck!
E.

I have one son who is 17 months and I don't plan on having anymore. I get the same reaction you do. I used to feel guilty, like maybe I should have another baby. But truth be told, I want my son to have every opportunity in life and one child is all I can afford. He has many cousins and a friend and I are about to start a play group for Boston mom's and dad's so hopefully that will fill any void. If all else fails, we have a cat named Pepper who is like a furry brother. May they have many days of playful enjoyment. Don't feel guilty, it's your decision and you should have full conviction in it.

Good luck

Also...I had my first child at 34. *_*

I still perceive of myself as an only child because my sister was not born until I was fourteen and I moved out of state when she was 4 and we've always lived apart and don't relate that well because we are essentially a generation apart. My best friend growing up is an only child. My friend and I are now in our 40s and my experience with being an only child and best friends with an only child has affected my view of kids in two very conflicting ways. First, I had a great time being an only child growing up. I was fascinated by, and enjoyed interacting with, adults, enjoyed not having to share a room, having my own personal space, and being master of my own creative thoughts and projects. I think it taught me how to enjoy being by myself and how to tolerate bordedom creatively. I would sometimes yearn for an older sibling to take me places (like the neighbor girl who babysat me) - but I really relished my own space and saw the conflicts my friends would have with their siblings, and I just felt lucky not to have to deal with that. My best "only child" friend also seemed to feel no detriment in not having a sibilng.

As an adult, however, I've had a different perspective. My best friend's parents are elderly (they had her late in life) and she has no extended family in this country. So she has really felt the burden and guilt of being the only person to care for her parents. It has effected her career and relationship decisions (she didn't marry a guy she fell for b/c he lived across the country and she didn't want to abandon her folks). You sort of feel like you are at the center of your parents' universe and you can't be entirely free with your life because you feel you need to be there for them.
This was the realization that ultimately led me to have two kids. My husband and I were dead set on "only one" - for various reasons (I also had a miserable pregnancy and delivery; plus just the hassle, expense, and recalling the good time I had growing up as an "only"). When my first was three and a half I started to worry that he would feel alone in life and burdened with elderly parents the way my friend was (and I will likely be, with a rather immature, much younger sibling who still sees herself more as my kid than my sister). We don't have close extended family/cousins his age nearby. I started to talk with other friends who have close adult relationships with their siblings and can't imagine life without them. I started to learn so many positive aspects of having a sibling and how much parents can be instrumental in fostering a great relationship between the siblings. Plus, my husband and I felt we were making so many compromises with our life for the "one" (more than we imagined!) - why not have "two?"
So now we have two who are four and a half years apart and I just love watching them interact - they love each other and teach each other so much and I hope they will always be close. It's really a beautiful thing to watch that I never knew growing up.
So there are certainly major positives to only having "one" - much more financial and logistical freedom and mobility as a family! But I thought I'd share my perspective on the long-term implications of being a "one" since you asked. We also had to deal with so much inquiry and criticism from people who pestered us about having a second (worse than having the first!) - so I recall how annoying it is. We had given away the crib, all the baby stuff, etc.. We literally could not fathom a second until after our first turned 3. If you decide to stick with one, I would just really make the extra effort to get them involved in their communities and develop close bonds with friends (and perhaps you have close extended family nearby, which is a huge advantage) - so they will value and know how to build those support systems of non-family as they grow up.
What tough decisions these are! There is no best way - only the right way for you. Good luck!

I was a little lonely at times as an only child and related better to adults than to other children at times. Just make sure that your daughter gets plenty of social interaction and don't worry! Your choice is perfectly legitimate. Having suffered a lot of the same stuff that you did, I'm not at all sure I want another one either. Don't let people get to you. Only you know what is right for you and your family.

Hi G.,

I thought I always wanted two but then after I had my son decided I did not want any more. My son is almost 5 now and people still ask me when I am having a second child. I still say not for me and people almost freak out about it. I have heard everything from you can't just have one, your little boy NEEDS a sibling, You will change your mind and so on. There is nothing wrong with you or your decision. You are not alone. There are plenty of us that only have one child. Even my sister in law had a son and she has decided that is it for her.
Some women love the idea of big families and had great pregnancies and that is great for them but for the rest of us we have experienced it and we are good.

Just let everyone's comments go in one ear and out the other :)

Hi G. -

I'm a mom of two, but I'm an only child. Honestly, growing up it didn't matter to me since it was all I knew...and I had dozens of cousins and friends who filled any potential void. It's funny though, as an adult, I miss not having siblings. I miss that relationship that I see so many of my friends and colleagues enjoying--that eternal bond with someone who will be there no matter what. Friendships can dissipate, relatives (no matter how dysfunctional) are there for life. I always (jokingly) guilt my mother about how she deprived me of this --especially when I see her interact with her own siblings.

That said, only you can determine if you are capable of having more. My children are 8 years apart. It took me 5 years before I was ready to embrace the idea of another child (the more time that passes, the more you become desensitized to the "challenges" of birth and the post-partum). And then another almost 3 years of trying to conceive. Funny that I never even considered I might not be ABLE to have another. I then accepted that we would likely only have one child, my darling son who was more than enough--I did not want to go through fertility treatments. But then, out of the clear blue, wa la! my daughter graced us with her presence like the little diva she is. I did start to panic in my second trimester with her, thinking "what have I done, I'm not ready for this, I can't do this!!" I'll chalk it up to hormones. Now I know in my heart that our family wasn't complete without her. They both are immeasurable blessings!

But two are definitely enough for me. :-)

I was an only child and always wished I had a sibling. However, I think that only children can be very happy if they have enough social interaction. You have to make a special effort to get an only child around other kids early- playgroups, one on one play dates, time with cousins, etc... BEFORE the child starts school. Otherwise it can be a rough transition. My parents didn't do that with me and I was very shy around other kids for a long time. You should have only as many children as you feel comfortable having and not feel pressured to have more though!

G., you're not alone. My daughter is 22 months old and I have serious doubts about having another. She is wonderful, our little family is happy and stable. Sometimes I think she should have a sibling. I have 3, and I love them, and I'm so glad I have them... but I'm just really unconvinced that I want things to change. I'm happy as it is. You know.
If you are happy with your decision, then great! Your daughter will thrive, because you love her and take good care of her.
As for the nosy people who ask about your future reproductive plans, I would answer their question with "when the time is right." You don't have to specifically say that the time will never be right. I know it's avoiding the question, but they're being rude in asking (not intentionally). If hey press the issue, change the subject.

Ah, peer pressure! I had my daughter when I was 38 and knew right away I was done and didn't want/need more. Yes, I had some complications during pregnancy and childbirth, but that had nothing to do with my decision. My daughter is wonderful and happy, smart and a good friend to others. Sometimes she wishes she had a sibling to play with, but rarely. That's why she was in a playgroup for several years and now has play dates. She easily entertains herself. Other parents (and her teachers) enjoy having her visit because she treats her friends' siblings well and gets along with others. There's no fighting for attention. However, she does not think the world revolves around her. She's not spoiled. Just a good kid. She's now 7.

I always said I wanted two children because that's how I grew up, as the youngest of two. Having an older sister didn't help me in life. We were never close, and still aren't.

Just say, "we are happy with one child" and leave it at that. You don't need to give reasons.

Hi G. - I am not an only child and I have two girls, but I wanted to chime in anyway. This is a hot button topic for me... I feel for you because I feel like our society pressures women to have kids, kids, and more kids. Women who opt NOT to have them are questioned like they must be insane or something! The rude behavior that people engage in, asking others when they're going to have one, or another, and another, just floors me!! If you and your husband are content and happy with one, so be it. It is YOUR choice. You can't let anyone make you feel guilty or badly about that. If it makes you feel any better, it doesn't stop even if you have more than one. People used to ask me if I was going to try for a boy after my second daughter was born. I have actually found that it's the "new" expectation that people have three kids. It makes me mad that it's assumed we will all have two, so why not have a third? It is nuts. I had to put a stop to that by basically telling people firmly, "No!!" I even went so far with some to say, "If you'd like to pay my mortgage so I can stop working, I'll have more kids, but I work full-time and stopped at two for a reason!!" That shut a lot of people up.

I am a teacher and have had many kids who are only children, and they are well-adjusted and happy as long as their parents are happy! Socialization is obviously important and it sounds like you have that covered. It's hard to look into the future because it is the future, but if you were to change your mind, you could deal with that when the time comes. If not, that's great too. It only matters that you are secure and happy with your decisions. Good luck and be well!

I am an only child who is choosing to have an only child. She is an amazing 5 year old girl! There are so many plusses to having an only. I also had a difficult pregnancy and that is another reason I have made my choice. I found it hard for the little time when all of the mom's from my mom's group were getting pregnant with their second. But wait a little bit and your feelings will be confirmed. They will all be up all night and still have to take care of a little one. I often feel a little guilty for my daughter but we are able to do so much more for her that the guilt is fleeting. I have her in lots of classes, and she has lots of playdates. I think being an only and having an only is awesome!