Have You Experienced Anxiety or PPD?

I suffered with some anxiety with my second...it came on very suddenly, literally one day I was fine, the next I wasn't. I watched a movie (part of it anyway) that was unsettling and the unsettled feeling never left and got worse. After a week of feeling like that nonstop I realized that it wasn't right. Mine consisted of instusive thoughts and a constant nagging unease in the background of every waking minute. I have also realized in the years since that most likely for me it was a perfect storm of having a baby at the time of year I experience general anxiety anyway, so the anxiety was compounded.

Long story very short. I am recovering from a PTSD induced eating disorder. As well as many other PTSD related things.

Up until mid 2011 I was unable to leave my house. I was terrified to get behind the wheel of my car. I hit an 8 year old on his bike in Aug. 2010. After that my world stopped.

I have been on the recovery side of everything now since July. When I counseled out of Therapy!

Because I was taken cold turkey off of a heavy duty anti-psychotic and two heavy duty anit-depressants my nervous system is fried. I have axiety attacks I can live through...but cannot control the systems of...Just merely know how to manage the fear and pain that comes with them. Not only does my heart race, I get sweaty and have hard time just staying calm....I shake violently my skin hurts to the touch and I get sick to my stomach from the whole thing. I make it through the daytime attacks just fine, but every night around 7p.m. I go into almost a shock. It is almost as if all my tension breaks at that point. I normally shake and feel sick for two hours and then I am exhaust to the point I just collapse in bed.

I will probably have the pain and body break down for the rest of my life. My nerbous system was fried pretty badly. It is hard to say how much could still heal, or how I am is how I will be. I have learned to break through the mental. And I am learning to live through the physical.

The things that trigger bad daily attacks are......Having anyone on a bike in view of me while driving. my initial reaction is to slam on my breaks when I see them, no matter the distance way from me.

Also telling my story. It send me in to an immediate shake shock. And I just have to ride it out. I have learned my story is way to important not to tell so I have learned to breathe through these attacks as best as I can.

To much at once. Some get flustered when they are busy or overwhelmed. I get too much at once and my system has to shut down. I just can not get past to much to do. I have to stop altogether or suffer the sick consequences.

Large groups of people also scare and send me over my edge.

Right after I hit Cameron, I had about 30 of the neighbors and what not out....staring and chattering low. None of them came up to offer any type of help. They stood far enough away to keep themselves removed from the situation, close enough I could hear the. Since then I have had a fear of judgement. People thinking something untrue about me. I think that has been the hardest thing to break past and the judgement of other's is one of my biggest fears.

I deal.

I have a reason to be here....I just had to live through a very rough period to find that reason.

I almost was taken from this life. I would have been leaving to soon. My tragedy, may be able to save someone down the road. I can not keep what I have been through quiet. And having that at the fore front of my living makes being here give me purpose.

Yep. :) Sort of both.

Anxiety, absolutely. Read below the line. The 'sort of' is...Not PPD, but antepardum depression (just like PPD except you get it WHILE you're pregnant, and then it gets better after birth).

1) antepardum depression
I honestly didn't know anything was wrong until the day he was born. I felt so much more like myself!!!! OMG...What a relief! I'm ME again! And then every day after that for a few weeks it was the same experience as my hormones leveled out. Each day was this monumental thing, though. I couldn't imagine feeling *more* like myself until the next day came, and I felt even more like myself!

I didn't catch it while pregnant because antepardum depression runs in my family. All the women of my family are USED to (and joke about) "the suicide hours". Usually in the evening, where you literally have to hold onto a chair, or rock back and forth with your fingernails cutting into your palms (yes, bleeding cutting), just sobbing uncontrollably, trying to keep yourself from killing yourself. In my family, there's something of a 'sundowning' effect. It's almost always in the evening, and lasts for 1-2 hours. I wanted to die, every night, for over 7 months.

Since women ALWAYS talk about mood swings while pregnant, and the suicide hours are something that are known to be a part of pregnancy in my family... it never occurred to me to mention it to anyone until after my son was born.

My OB and midwife were horrified.

The conversation went something like this:

I look up at clock in hospital and realize it's 9pm, and am so startled that I don't even notice the two nurses in the room.

"Oh my god! I don't feel like killing myself!"

"Beg pardon?"

"Oh. You know. The suicide hours. They just came and went and I didn't feel like dying! How amazing is that? God I love not being pregnant." whereupon I did some rather overgushy new mom cuddling of my son feeling simply radiant sooooo happy he was in the world and I was halfway sane again.

That statement had a whole flurry of professionals in my room over the next 12 hours.

Sooooo.... come to find "normal pregnancy" in my family is also known as severe antepardum depression with strong suicidal tendencies etc so forth.

Come to find (I'm the first in my generation to be pregnant) they now have meds for that! That are safe to take while pregnant. So my siblings and cousins all know that now. Huzzah.
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2) I'm ADHD -which is enough in and of itself, as anxiety which would be classified as a disorder unto itself if it were alone, is often a common side effect of adhd, like SPD, giftedness, and occasionally eidetic memory, but quasi-eidetic memory is more common- and picked up a perky little case of PTSD over a decade ago. (Sheesh, if I'm going to have so many letters after my name I'd prefer there to be a phd in there somewhere!)

Anxiety is a way of life.

Full on panic attacks are flat out normal for ADHD toddlers and either adolescents or teens (we usually start having to relearn how to deal with panic attacks between ages 9-11, but some don't have to until late puberty instead of early puberty. It's the hormones. We learned as toddlers, but have to relearn with the adult stew in our bloodstream. Also, again at menopause if you're female, because the hormones exit stage left. Anyhow, chaotic times.). They're one of the causes for our infamous meltdowns/tantrums during those ages. Full body flailing, tantrums that can last for an hour plus as toddlers, and up to several hours as preteens. My son (also ADHD) is going through that right now. Poor little guy. It's one of the reasons you parent ADHD kids differently from neurotypical kids. If you have anxiety as an ADULT, imagine being hit/spanked or yelled at during an attack! ((I'll bet even the idea makes your head spin, no?)). It takes a few years, but you learn the coping mechanisms to deal with them.

It's one of the bene's I had, already being used to panic attacks, when I picked up PTSD several years later. I'd already LEARNED that "everything is temporary" ((although someone I knew who'd been through the same thing a few months earlier is in my forever debt (thankyou sgt k!!!) for reminding me of that, early on in a laundry room at 3am in that particular journey! I'd already learned all the coping mechanisms, and what worked best for me... I just had to apply them a little differently.

The biggest difference, for me, was that the causality was different. I was well aware of what usually brought me to the edge and over in ADHD-land. Now it was a time to figure out new triggers and new work-arounds. (Like I slept with the lights on for about 6 years.)

Having my son added in a whole new set of triggers. LOL. My son has died every single grusome death imaginable - several time over - in my mind. He's also been raped, molested, tortured, joined a "penguin cult" (where he sewed all of his fingers together... I know, I know, but since I'm fine with most forms of rebellion I was trying to figure out something I wouldn't be fine with / what he could do to rebel... and that's one of the things my mind came up with.), been on bridges that have collapsed as we drove over them, pick a natural disaster, any natural disaster... became a child soldier, contracted every major illness out there (from aids to encephalitis), had major brain injury (from changing his personality all the way to becoming a vegetable), been forgotten by me in the: car, house, dresser, hotel, sitters... been kidnaped, been taken by CPS, hated me...

Of course, none of these things (touch wood) have ever happened. That's the thing about anxiety. The mind tumbles down rabbit holes.

People often comment / wonder about how I can be such a laid back / mellow parent.

Ha! That's because I've already been a weeping rocking mess in private! It took about 2 years, but my mind finally ran out of nuclear disasters and penguin cults. Now, some not so great things HAVE happened in my son's life (we were in the hospital off and on for 6mo last year, and by on, I mean extreme measures and inpatient for weeks, like 5 or 6, at a time)... but (touch wood) the options my mind had already chased down and beaten with a stick were worst case scenarios. Life isn't usually about worst case scenarios. So everything that HAS happened, has been sooooo much better than I imagined it to be. Ha. I got this.

For ME the biggest help was recognizing the taste of adrenaline. It's a metallic taste that happens in the back of your throat (like sucking on a penny, but it literally fills up the whole back of your throat, and not on your tongue like sucking on a penny for real). When all of a sudden I taste metal, I know I'm in for a wild ride.

That's sooooooo unbelievably helpful, because it's a WARNING system. The panic doesn't come on for a good 30 seconds, and my mind doesn't spin out... so I can brace myself. And if I can brace myself, I'm good, and the panic attack doesn't "win". I stay (mostly) in control. Granted, I can't SLEEP... but I'm not rocking and sobbing, or racing around, either. It's like the difference between catching a wave, and being bowled over by one.

Anyhow... just my stuff. :)

I suffer from PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder(GAD), insomnia, and I suffered with severe PPD after I had my daughter 8 years ago. What motivated me to seek help and realize something was wrong is that things I found enjoyable, and things I should be enjoying were not only not enjoyable but I loathed not being able to just sleep. I realized also there would be times when life was great and I was fine, or so I thought. Little did I realize that the little nuances I did not realize I had developed were greatly affecting those around me. This was pointed out to me in numerous fights I was having with my husband.
It took a long time for me to not only recognize that something was indeed wrong but also to fully admit to myself that in spite of having what is wrong with me that I am going to be okay and I am not crazy. Accepting that something is up is part of the battle, seeking treatment is another piece, and finally being happy and at ease with yourself is the final part.

I started getting depressed when I was 16. By my senior year in high school, I didn't care anymore about what used to motivate me. I started looking for "the next thing" that would make me happy. A new extracurricular, graduating, going to college, getting involved in something at college, graduating and starting a good job/getting out on my own, marriage, etc.

It wasn't until my now-husband begged me to go do something - anything - that would make me happy that I finally broke down and got treatment. I realized I couldn't think of a single thing that would truly make me happy.

Now I know I'm having a "relapse" if you want to call it that when I can't break myself out of funk. I'll get down and sad and tired and I can't really pinpoint a reason and even if I can it doesn't make it better.

I realized during my first pregnancy that I needed help again when I couldn't get excited about anything and wasn't eating like I needed to.

Basically, I know something's "not right" when I can't control my moods - mainly negative moods - anger, sadness, frustration, etc. and when nothing I do feels like the right thing. I tend to get overwhelmed when I'm headed back into a depressive state.

Oooh - Jill T!! That "detached" feeling... I never thought about that being attributed to depression. I know some mothers feel immediate love and attachment and others take a little bit for that feeling to grow - I just thought I was one of the second group. But that's exactly how I felt. I wasn't overwhelmed with love, but definitely felt this huge obligation and responsibility (not in a bad way - just that this little thing was mine and I was the only one who could feed/take care of it - even though that's obviously not true). I also had a raging breakdown about two weeks post partum. I think that may be when I realized I hadn't been taking my antidepressant for a while...

Yes with all three of mine...By the time I had #3 I knew the signs in advance. My anxiety would come on all of a sudden without explanation and I would be overwhelmed with panic and fear. I had intrusive thoughts that were dark and brooding. Yes I got help. Best wishes. I was part of a support group and they were awesome moms!

How wonderful that you are doing this!!!... I am a Nurse practitioner in women's health and have seen SOO many women suffer from this "silent" condition. I am thrilled to see that you are empowering women to take the stigma out of reaching out for help... I am a mother of 3 and suffered from a postpartum anxiety disorder with all 3... I did not recognize the symptoms at all with my first, until after going through it withy 2nd,...excessive worry about my babies, difficulty with "let down" during breast feeding because I couldn't relax, horrible guilt, extremely emotional, insomnia etc... etc...thankfully by the time I had my 3rd ...I knew just what to do, got the help I needed, and it was the postpartum experience I always dreamed of :)... I too am on a mission, as a mother and health care provider to educate and empower women to get the support they need to enjoy their babies and postpartum experience... Good luck ... Please let me know if you have more questions or need more information... Best to you..

I have always been "high strung" and anxiety-prone - I had a bad patch of panic attacks several years ago that over time and with medication and lifestyle changes I got control of. Then this year hit - I suffered multiple overuse injuries from running - running has been my anti-anxiety cure for years! The anxiety increased after I was not healing and the tendonitis pain was unbearable - I became convinced that I had a horrible disease and ultimately suffered a nervous breakdown. I was hospitalized for 2 days, then with medication, I got the anxiety under control and have been functioning pretty well. That was 3 months ago. I am still dealing with the injury, and am still dealing with the frustration of wondering why I am not improving and having the doctors not listen to me. I was hoping to get back to running and then off the meds, but I don't see that happening anytime soon.

I have anxiety because I grew up in a family that made me afraid of everything. My father was a control freak and his way of "controlling" was making everyone fearful. Sometimes it takes years to recognize it. I recognized it more as I was out of my father's span of control. My husband has been a good help and his family. I never recognized it until I was in my 40's and having health issues and trying to get to the bottom of them. I recognized that my mental health was impacting my physical and spiritual health. I also recognized that I could change things for myself. I did not want to continue the way I was going and be like my father nor did I want my children to have those fears. My oldest son has been diagnosed with anxiety but he has done nothing about it. I see anxiety in my other kids but try to find ways to reduce that. I have two kids with neurological issues so I am finding out some of it is caused by physiological issues. So we have to really be detectives in our lives to rule out other medical issues. My daughter has CVID and orthostatic intolerance and my youngest son is on the autism spectrum so you can't rule out other conditions.

I have had mild depression on and off throughout my life, I really started to notice a big change when I came into my 40s... All of a sudden, I was Claustrophobic (something I NEVER had before) additionally, I would get this jumpy feeling in my legs which made me feel like I had to get up and move (which made being in-doors) such as on a bus or train even worse... The feeling to flee was overwhelming... After the onset of these anxious feelings, I tried talk therapy, EFT and Hypnotherapy.. thinking and also being talked into the idea that perhaps since having had an abusive childhood, I was now suffering from post traumatic stress.. now, while that might have been true (in part) what I discovered was........ PERIMENOPAUSAL can cause much of the way I was now feeling...........

after TONS of therapy and money spent and NEVER once a doctor suggesting my hormones were at play... do you know what worked best for me ? Education.. I began to educate myself on anxiety and read books such as "screaming to be heard" hormone connections women suspect and doctors still ignore.. by Elizabeth Lee Vliet, M.D... it's been books like hers that FINALLY have shed some light on how I have been feeling.

Also, the information is empowering because I now realize that wait, I am NOT imagining all this... (which some doctors lead you to believe)

Lastly, the information is so powerful when for example, I am on the bus and IF I start to have that anxious feeling, I now can work to calm myself down with breathing exercising ... the whole idea that the anxiety I am feeling WILL pass has been so freeing.. It's like a light went on that said to me.. don't worry, it's just that anxious feeling... remember, you can overcome it...you have before... just the idea alone that anxiety can be dealt with and I don't have to be in therapy and or take meds (as one doctor suggested to me) for which I NEVER wanted to do.. is so freeing.. I just wish more of the medical establishment would STOP prescribing and help educate women.. However, I also think that we as women need to look out for ourselves as well and not leave it up to the medical establishment.. Also, it's important to realize that our bodies and hormones change throughout our lives and not just when we hit our 40s.. Had I known in my 20s and 30s what I know now about my body.. WOW... I sure might have been better off at times..

my best to you and good luck with your group!!!

Heck yes! I'm not sure if there was anything specific to point to though. My first was my first so I was naturally more nervous and I"m uptight in general. And I had a horrible delivery with major hemoraging and needed a transfusion. Then my baby had bad reflux so I felt like I had to watch her all the time bc she'd choke on it. But I was in tears a lot. I could not sleep at all and my milk didn't really come in. My dr finally gave me sleeping pills but they didn't help much. I found ativan after my 2nd and that made a huge difference. So I would say inability to sleep no matter how tired you are is a sign... And crying a lot. :) I also felt rather detached - very responsible but not too psyched to be a mother.