Guilt About Baby #3...should I Just Be Happy with My Beautiful Twins?

Hi AF, I had 2 kids in my 30's, not by IVF. I'm an only child and always wanted 4-6 kids. Well, after having a girl, then boy, and being older and having some health issues, I thought I would be happy with what I have...and I am. Part of me still wishes for more kids, but it only lasts a minute! I now have a step daughter too and all 3 kids are 3 years apart so it's worked out for me. My cousin on the other hand said that when she had her 3rd, it made a HUGE difference in everything from gettting a bigger car, to the extra bedroom, car seats, stroller, etc. So that's just my point. Good luck in whatever you decide to do!

I've never had IVF but after reading this I'd say go with your gut. Maybe now that you have two wonderful children you don't feel the need to expand your family...perhaps you deep down inside feel done. If it were me and I were feeling this way I'd stop going through with the treatment. Like you said if it happened on it's own you'd be thrilled. With IVF you're less than thrilled so just relax and see what happens naturally. Besides there's nothing that says you have to get pregnant again now. If you change your mind in a year, a month, two months whatever you can always go back to IVF.

You are blessed with 2 healthy children...Why push your luck. You even have a girl and a boy. Love your children and your life and be content in your life.

I had twins via IVF.
I tell my friends who are not sure about having kids: twins are the best control pills out there; once you have them you know you don't want anymore, come and take care of them for a day...you'll make your decision pretty fast.
I can't imagine doing it all over again. Mine are five. They're fun now, talkative, my best friends, my joy, reasons why I wake up every morning. But then I try to remember the first three years and I say my God how did I get through THAT?
:)

Everyone is different, but I can tell you 2 things about my personal mommy journey...

When I was pregnant with my second child, I would cry to my husband that there is no way I could possibly love another human as much as I love my first born. I now have 3 children and my husband teases me all the time that I was so emotional over something that now seems so silly. I knew I wanted more than one child, but it seemes like maybe I should just stick with what I had.

Also, I had 2 kids-- one boy and one girl. That's all I ever wanted. My husband wanted 3. I said that was too bad-- it was my decision and I was all done.... yet all along, even though I swore up and down that I was done to everyone and anyone within earshot, something wayyyyyy deep in my gut told me my family wasn't complete. I didn't tell anyone, but I couldn't kick that feeling. 7 years after baby #2, I decided to go ahead and have my 3rd child. I can't explain it, but ever since he was born I have had a feeling that my family is now complete. Only you can dig deep within your soul and decide what you feel is right for your family.

I know what a hard decision you are facing, and I think you should trust your gut. Try going to sleep 1 night thinking "I am NOT going to do this" and the next night, think "I am going to do this" and see how you feel each morning. You will know what is right for you.

I have to say that the answers from the moms who "do not believe in IVF" really made me angry. Clearly, they have never dealt with the pain of infertility. We live in an amazing time, when medicine can help us do many things that weren't previously possible. But the decision to conceive, either through IVF or naturally, is a hard one. And the impact of another child in your life is big no matter how you got pregnant. If you want another child and IVF is the way to get there, go for it and don't look back. The hormones, the shots, the doctors appointments... they are all hard, but that's not what you'll remember when you look at your beautiful children.

After 6 miscarriages, I had a child (a single birth) through IVF, and I was lucky enough to have leftover embryos. We were all set to do another transfer and try again when my husband lost his job, and we put the process on hold for a while. In reality, I was having the same kinds of concerns as you. I was so all-consumed with my love for my first child, didn't know if I could find room in my heart, my daily schedule, my house, my bank account for another child. But when we put the process on hold, I couldn't give up the idea of trying again.

We are 8 weeks away from baby #2. And I'm still nervous about how I will be able to mother another child. But I know we'll figure it out. And I know our family will be richer for it. I know if will have a big impact on my first child, but I also know that having siblings was a joy for me. You already have 2 kids; you already know how to divide your attention and love them both.

There are no wrong decisions here.

I can see where you are coming from. That being said, I get the feeling you reallly want that
third baby. Just go for it! The twins will do fine with another sibling. My four were each a
year apart and things worked out great. Today they are adults and very very close. Now we
have grandchildren. Good luck.

I am in a similar situation. Also have twins by in vitro after 2 miscarriages. I would like another as well but I really cant go through that again. Personally for us, if it happens then great. But I feel too spent to go through all of the injections and morning monitoring again. I agree with the moms who say just relax and consider your feelings. If you are not ready then stop and wait.
What I do not agree with is moms telling you ivf is wrong. Obviously for you and many others it is not wrong, and we are not debating that here. Only those of us who have suffered the pain of infertility can possibly relate and understand.

If you don't mind me asking, how have you tried on your own?? Have you tried Natural Family Planning?? Or NaproTechnology??? Both are natural and work with your own cycle. I don't know a lot about NaproTechnology but they have a website that you can easily google. And Natural Family Planning, or NFP works by the woman charting her cycles and finding out her fertility patterns. It is very successful in both achieving pregnancy and postponinjg it. It also can be googled. There are two websites I recommend for inquiring about NFP. They are www.ccli.org and www.nfpandmore.org. We should never feel guilty about wanting to bring more children into the world. Children are such gifts. Good luck and if you have any questions please feel free to ask.

From reading this, it sounds as if you've already made a decision.

I have a friend that says 2 is enough, one for each parent, or each hand. I have another friend that has 5 and says, the more the merrier.

I am not a fan of IVF. I have seen several families spend small fortunes before having success and a full pregnancy. I even had one friend who started the IVF process for a second child this past summer, but wasn't liking it, stopped and just found out that she's 2 months pregnant - on her own!!
My personal feeling is that you should stop the IVF, and put the control in God's hands. When the time is right, your body and mind are ready, then you'll have your next child.

I also have a SIL that was stressing for 2 yrs about getting pregnant. She was over 40 and it was now or never. She did the charting, and monitoring, and calling hubby home... she was obsessed with it. I told her that she was too stressed out. the more stressed you are, the less likely you'll body will relax enough. there are reasons why people get pregnant when they are young and carefree. just be happy with the family you have. So she and hubby agreed to stop trying and just enjoy their family. they went on an anniversary trip, and she found out a month later that she was pregnant.

Good luck, relax, and enjoy your family.
M.

I will tell you that I looked at my older daughter when I was pregnant with my second and panicked. I was afraid that I couldn't love the second one enough because I loved the first SO much. Of course, I was wrong! There is ALWAYS enough love to go around. Put the meds in safe storage and let them rest there a while. Talk to your husband... see how he's feeling. There's no rush. Is there?

I understand, but please do NOT think such thing and do not feel guilty. That is not true. They won't feel left out or unloved. In fact, they may be thrilled to see another sibling they can help you with and play with besides their twin. It's an interesting thing. You will love the third just as much as your twins. No, you're not being crazy and God does not give us more than we can handle. So, if you get pregnant with IVF or on your own, so be it. Every family is different in terms of siblings being this or that and they may surprise you! I know that God does not give us a spirit of guilt nor a spirit of shame nor a spirit of fear, but of love, peace and a sound mind. Guilt is from hell. So, if you get pregnant, CONGRATULATIONS!!!! Having more does not mean you don't have the ones you had. Look at this way, you love the fact that you can produce and see all these miracles you and your husband created and teach them and love them and nurture them, discipline them and educate them. God gives us Gifts and we need to be happy with the number of Gifts we get and if we have four gifts, Hallelujah. If not, Hallelujah! Don't pay attention to people who may make it sound like a crazy thing. Just think and thank God for those children you have and maybe will have and ignore them and say, they are a blessing and they think it's crazy, then so be it to them, don't listen to others around you. I will pray for you, A.F.

I am not in your situation, but I think we all have our own situations, so I can share that I have one child (2.5 years old) and feel VERY guilthy over the thought of having a second child. BUT, we are going to try anyway. I want a second child. I want my son to have a sibling. The whole idea is just scary (can we afford it, can I handle it being a FTWM, will my son resent me for having another child) Its crazy IMO though b/c I am not an only child, neither is my husband, kids have siblings all over the place, why is there this guilth?? Going out of your way...well, yes, you do have to work harder, but in essence we are mostly all going out of our way when we decide to have a baby aren't we? I had to decide to stop birth control...yes, you are going out of your way, but we all are making a conscious decision and working toward something. I suggest we BOTH try to not feel guilthy...I think like me you are just scared but like one of the respondents said below only WE can look deep within ourselves and know whats right...