Grandparents Dont See My Children

Ouch...this situation hits a nerve with me. I had a similar problem and thankfully found a solution.

My husbands family lives out of state and have never been interested in our children (3 boys, 1 girl). They weren't very good parents and that didn't change when they became grandparents.
My parents are in town but will only see the children if I suggest it or hand deliver them to them for an hour or so (they claim they are not "kid-friendly people") they weren't as parents and again I'd hoped that would change when they had grandchildren. It didn't.

I struggled for years. Finally it just became a joke with my kids that they "got short changed in the grandparent department" but then we talk about how wonderful it will be when we are grandparents to their children.

In the meantime we started spending our holidays with good friends (and their extended "very kid friendly" family). We also invited an elderly gentleman from our parish to spend holidays with us and that has turned into a very nice relationship.

I suggest you simply look for grandparents elsewhere. Surely a couple at your church...the parents of friends...heck you could even advertise at the adult and senior centers! So many people live so far from their own children that they might be longing for subsitute grandchildren. Of course you would excercise appropriate caution when introducing new peole into your family...

I guess just keep in mind that we all have to deal with the quirks of our natural family but friends become our chosen family!

It is either find someone willing to give you what you want for your children or just accept the little that your parents can offer as all they are capable of. Don't drive yourself crazy, like I did, wanting to make them different. This is who they are, these are their limitations and they don't feel very connected, end of discussion.

The bonus to my story? After seeing several elderly people truly enjoy my children at various functions...my parents got the idea that they might be being replaced and stepped up to the plate a bit more. They even attend the occasional soccer game and I make sure my children make their presense appreciated.

Good luck!

You do want them to see the girls, right? Your parents must feel unwelcome, but letting a problem get in their way of getting to know the girls - they are very selfish. Maybe you could offer to let the girls go and spend the day or weekend at their home, so that they wouldn't have to deal with what they think is a problem with you. Have you tried to ask what they think the problem is? You could apologize, even if you don't know what it is. If that doesn't work, then let them know that it is up to them to make the first move if they want to see their grandchildren.

Hi T., this is a tough one. I have 2 kids, 8 and 5, been divorced for over a year. my ex in-laws, my kids only grandparents besides my mom, have NEVER called the kids to talk to them, have NEVER asked to have them brought over for a visit, have NEVER basically bothered with them...and they are and will be their ONLY grand kids. For the last 10 years, this has been a constant struggle for me as I cannot comprehend why people would treat kids this way. Before the separation and divorce, I accepted that they are just not the 'typical' loving grandparents, and cannot make them be that way. Now sometimes on my ex's weekends, he takes them to see them, that is on him, not me. Maybe I don't think it's a problem since my kids are small and sort of just accept it. I feel this way, it's my job as a mom to provide a loving and stable environment for my kids, which I try hard to do every day. They have a nice life with me and feel loved and secure. I think it's important to see that life is different and people are different, they see this when they are at their dads. I think it will make them much better adults when they see that things are not always nice and easy, and neither are people, and unfortunately, sometimes that includes our own family. I know this isn't advice really, your kids are older and understand life more. Maybe just tell the kids that that's how they are and we have to adjust and love the kids and make up for the inadaquacies that the grandparents cannot provide. Good luck...

I have been (am) in similar situations with my inlaws. I remember that my most important job is to protect my children. When the inlaws say that they are going to stop by, we don't tell our kids because they usually back out and never show up. If my kids want to see them, then I make sure it's a situation where we have the majority of control (like we will drive to where they are staying). It is a HORRIBLE situation to be in, and I feel bad for my kids for not having grandparents like everyone else, but I know that won't be destroyed because grandma and grandpa didn't feel like they were important enough to stop by. Feel free to email me if you need to talk.

Hi T.,

I feel the pain you have for your children. My own mother does not treat all of her grandkids equal and will actually make fun of one of my daughters if she cries. I personally feel it is the grandparents loss if they do not want to enjoy these beautiful children. As for the step mother, ask her if she has seen the teen crowd these days and how many of them actually use the phone for anything other than texting. She needs to grow up and realize it is the adult in the situation that needs to make the communication happen. However, if your father does not want to stand up to his wife and lets her get in the way of the relationship with you and your children then he will die a very lonely old man. Good luck and god bless.