Going Crazy!! Need Advice..

It sounds like hubby is very overwhelmed and isn't ready to deal with the difficulties and challenges of having such a large familiy in such a sort period of time. You said we "started talking", why aren't you still talking? You need to communicate with him, telling him your feelings and you need to listen to him. Perhaps you both could benefit from some counceling.

Your husband is a self centered pig. I'm alot older than you and my husband cooked two nights a week. Did the laundry with me and we had family clean up nights. These are not "your" children they are his as well. Every child under three years of age takes 96 hours of work a week. His 40 hours doesn't come close.
Every night when I cooked dinner my husband bathed the youngest and got the kids ready for bed. The did eat in their pajamas but that was okay since it meant a smooth transition to teeth brushing, story telling or reading and bedtime.
If he can't do his share then it's a marriage counsellor or goodbye. Bringing up old issue that have passed is abusive. He is very poor communicator as well.
If he can't learn he's no keeper.

I have an ex husband for these reasons and a few others. Before you give up on the marriage, read the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I don't agree with it 100% but it gives some good insight on men. Also get the "Love Dare". It has saved many marriages,. Good luck.

I had three boys under three, and I went through a difficult time with my husband, particularly when my youngest was a newborn. I felt like a single mother, and my husband became totally withdrawn. Turns out he had depression. It could be the same with your husband. Rather than seeing his true self now, you might be seeing a depressed husband who's chemicals are out of balance. When my husband was treated, his true self returned, and it was a massive relief for all of us. Just something to consider.

When I finally had enough I decided that my husband was going to have to help. I told him he was responsible for the trash and a couple of other mundane simple things.

When he doesn't do them they don't get done. He finally gets the idea and does them. I can't rescue him or it defeats the purpose of him helping.

Another thing I told him that I was going to do was put every chore in different jars and we could each pull one out, each taking a turn until all the jobs were assigned.

One jar was daily things such as cooking and dishes. Another was every couple of days for example going to the store to buy produce and milk. One jar had weekly, such as mowing the lawn. One had every other week, another had monthly, one had every 6 months for things like cleaning the ceiling fans and dusting the cobwebs from the tall parts that I have a hard time reaching, and one was yearly for things like washing/dry cleaning the curtains. He didn't like that idea at all but it sure make a visual impact on him. He started understanding what it took for me to get things organized and accomplished.

Still yet, I do not do his jobs. He would let me do that each and every time. If he hates a job I would be willing to trade with him or let him teach someone to do it for him when they are old enough to do chores. He can always choose to pay someone to do these jobs too. I don't care if he pays someone to mow the lawn, as long as it gets done I don't care who does it as long as it is not me.

Hi J., OF COURSE you feel like you've 'had enough'...you're totally overwhelmed! BUT please don't give up on your man. You love him enough to have had several children with him and to have married him. Marriage is hard and we've ALL been through periods like you are describing. I have questioned my choices more than once - often times wondering if I should've ever gotten married, etc. Love changes over time. You say "I don't think I loved him like I used to". Well, that is probably true. Alot has changed since you first got together! But I truly believe that 'being happy' in a marriage is a STATE OF MIND and we can all choose to see what we want to see and focus on. My husband doens't do anything to help around the house either, and honestly, I feel as though my life would be easier in many ways if he weren't living here 'cuz he's an awful 'roomate'. But we are a family and we all love each other.
What would happen if your sweetie were to come home from work tonight and you were just to go up to him and put your arms around him and give him a long hug and maybe even a few smooches???? If not that, then just gaze into his eyes and smile? Tell him "I know we're having a hard time rt now, but I just want you to know that I love you". It's amazing how disconnected we can become when we have a bunch of little kids running around. It's super un-sexy! You guys CAN mend this, and it might take alot of work on your part at first, but it IS fixable and I believe, well worth it. Good luck!

Lots of men get that way once they have kids.

My friend has a husband that wanted more kids. They have 1 kid. She flat out said NO... because YOU DO NOT DO ANYTHING FOR YOUR CHILD OR ME... AND YOU RATHER SPEND ALL YOUR TIME GOLFING AND GOING OUT WITH THE BOYS. I work too, and I have had enough. Our child is growing up, WITHOUT you. In sight.

Men, will not improve, unless they can self-reflect or they feel threatened their wife will leave them. Even at that, maybe they don't change.

Your Husband, lives in the past.
He is continuing the BAD habits of his family, of which he also complains about.
He is, stuck in time and stuck in one place in history.
He has not, progressed.
He cannot think on his own and try to be an individual DESPITE his family's PAST problems.
So... he is STUCK in his own "Pot-Hole" of life.

Get counseling.
For you or him or both.

He is like a bad TV rerun.
Tell him "Do you like... being a rerun? If not, then change your perspective... and grow-up."

You are not his Mommy.
He acts like a child.
Not a Man.

LET THE TRASH PILE UP.
Really.
Until he does it.
Let it pile up... and let him see, that you are NOT picking up after him.
Do not do his laundry.
Go on strike.
Really.
Cook for you and your kids.
He can eat by himself.
Alone.

What you are describing is just a typical imprefect man. At least he seemed perfect for a while! Now, let's be honest, nobody is perfect. Not even you. So, if that is what you are looking for, you will get divorced only to keep searching for a non-existent man. In the meantime, you would have broken up a marriage and your children will be in a broken home. They are boys, they are going to need a father at home. Would you rather you have to let them go away with this man and his new girlfriend after you divorce him? Marriage takes a lot of work. Sometimes you will have complaints about him, and sometimes the other way around. As far as feeling that you don't love him as much as before, I have always heard that this is common. The marriage goes through peaks and valleys. You are now going through a valley. People who have been married for 30+ years always say this happens but if you hang in there, you both will be glad you did. (and your children will be at home with their mom & dad)

I hear ya. I'm sorry. I had this same problem with my ex. i would ask him for help and he would help for about 2 weeks. I had to keep reasking him to help me, finally i told him he needed to shape up or else... All he was hearing was me saying "You are selfish for doing what you want and not what i want." He also thought i had no respect for the fact that he worked and brought home money so i could stay home. He was going out all the time and eventually picked up a girl at a bar to tell him what he needed to hear and feel.
I'm not saying your hubby will do this.
You just really need to talk to him without the kids around NOW before it gets to the point where my marriage did.
I hope he will hear you, but men seem to be stubborn and babies and they dont want to help.
ggood luck

Three kids in less than five years can put a strain on any man and any marriage, especially if he is solely responsible for the family financially, which I assume he is?
And if you are home alone all day with the kids I'm sure you're under a lot of pressure too!
Do you have any family/friends nearby who will take the kids so you can have some alone time with your husband? Regular dates are REALLY important to keeping a marriage healthy and strong.
If you go to church, please speak with your pastor or get involved with a marriage support group. It sounds like you need some help from a third, objective party. Good luck, it IS work!

With 3 kids that young I can't imagine how you can do everything. I was overwhelmed with 2 kids, 3 years apart. Now the baby is 2 so it is getting better. It is really hard to have time and energy for anything with such young kids (my husband and I both feel spread too thin a lot of the time). Maybe he is feeling overwhelmed or stressed too but you still need help. Any chance of getting paid help even once a month with the heavy cleaning? Putting any of the kids in preschool? He needs to hear that you feel overwhelmed need help. Marriage counseling is worth a try if both partners put in the effort to change and improve communication.

Here are some ideas: To improve communication use "I" statements. Start a sentence "I feel _______" instead of "You __" which can sound like an accusation to the other person. Practice taking turns listening and repeating back in your own words with the first person said. Appreciate and verbally praise any small tasks he does do (without being sarcastic--that is the hard part). Jokingly mention "Have your heard most women consider men doing housework as foreplay?" If you work together to get the household chores done you are working as a team and you have more time and energy for romance.

I too have an ex husband for this reason and some others. They really should say the #1 reason for divorce is bad communication, without it you really have nothing. Have you tried marriage counseling? It works when there are 2 willing people that both know they need to work on the marriage. Has HE emotionally checked out? If he won't go, maybe you should go to sort out your emotions and figure out if you want to stick with him. I actually enjoyed when he was gone more than when he was home, which is when I knew we wouldn't work. We had been to marriage counseling and he had been to anger management. He too brought up previous resolved conflicts and it really did a lot of damage on our marriage. What was his response? You said you are both talking about the problems. Maybe you should add counseling as a supplement to put the solutions into action to see how you feel. It sounds like maybe you have resentment and maybe when you see change in progress and talk about what you need/want and what has made you upset in the past it will go away, and marriage counseling can do that with a mediator that kinda makes it so it doesn't turn into a scream fest.
Good luck :)