Okay, so we have a 12 yr old. Sweet as can be, very intellegent and yet so close to me. I know I did it to ourselves keeping her so close. We have come a long way in the last 2 years with her " growing up " and the attitude is beginning for a tween LOL.
So I have always been really afraid to let my kids go away to camps. I just freak out putting them in the hand of strangers and hoping they find their way. Just not that kind of mom. They have done sleepovers and weekend things with family because that is easier. But now a time has come where a church camp is coming up for her friend and they invited her. So I told myself I would be encouraging and discuss it. I would interview the counsolors and would trust the child she would be going with. See, the friend went last year and did not connect with a single child and although she had fun, she is begging my daughter to go this time with her. My husband is really against it.....but open to trust my instincts. I am scared to let her go, but feel it would be good for all of us. BUT SHE DOES NOT WANT TO GO . She says she is scared to be away from home. it is Mon - thurs night. It is in Prescott. They don't allow cell phones or any contact with calling home. The other thing is it is $420 . UGH ! Are they really that pricey ? I just don't know what to do........... is it worth it to force her to go or should we just lay back and be OK that none of us are ready.
Kris - What a great point....I can see my daughter feeling responsible if they don't get along or friend is not happy.
We do have some issues with separation with this child.....but not my second LOL. We are getting so much better as I said in the two years . I am so proud of the progress........but going away for 4 days is another HUGE step..... I just wanted to see what other moms do, if it is our job to help our children along in the growth of going away even if they are uncomfortable. Thanks for all the help so far !
I would never let my children go over night to a camp. I am not that kind of mom, I like my kids with me. I feel they have plenty of time to stay away from home. I never liked week long camps ever. But thats just me.
I want to add that if my daughter did not want to go, she would not go.
If she doesn't want to go - I would not make her go. No Way. If she WANTED to go, then that would be a different story.
Has she sat down with you and told you her reservations. I would ask her why she does not want to go. You can let her know that it could be a really fun couple of days. I would not push her though. If she says no after that, it is a no. I dont like that they cant call their parents. I have never sent my kids to camp though, so i dont know what is normal.
I would not make her go but I would strongly encourage it and drop the negativity concerning camp while you're around her.
My 9 year old is at sleep away camp right now and went last year as well. We are a VERY close family and both my girls are attached to me but they are also confident and able to experience independence in their lives. Isn't that the goal in raising children?
After reading some of these responses I want to clarify. My husband and I miss her already and it's only been a day, she'll be back on Friday. It isn't about us or even about keeping her perfectly happy all the time. It's about experiencing life. She will miss us over the course of the week too. She may get her feelings hurt, she may skin her knee and want a hug from Mom, she may feel homesick at times but she will persevere. She'll return happy, exhausted and just a little bit more mature and confident in her ability to take care of herself. Isn't that what growing up is all about?
It is one thing if she does not want to go.. I wonder if she is just "saying" she does not want to to in order to please you and your anxiety.
The sad part I pick up on here is some issues with the family regarding separation anxiety.
She is 12, she is growing up, at some point, you have to let go and let her grow up and enjoy her life. There will be a point when she does leave the nest and you need to be working toward that adjustment now if you are this anxious about her leaving your side.
Our elementary school has the 5th grade go away for a camp yearly for 3 nights. What are you going to do when she shows some independence? Pricing for the camp you mention is not that bad in my book. I've paid way more for my daughter's camps and she loved every minute of every camp she attended starting in the 3rd grade.
I would not force my child to go if she truly did not want to go but it appears that your family needs some help getting through your issues with separation so that your daughter can enjoy a normal childhood.
I would suggest if you can't handle her being away overnight, at least let her get involved in a day camp of some sort so she gets some socialization with other children her age.
Going to camp is great - BUT - your daughter should be going for her own sake, not to provide a connection to her friend.
Perhaps your daughter should go but not when the other girl is going.
Your girl should not be or feel responsible for the other girls happiness or lack thereof.
In 6 short years your 12 yr old will be 18.
When is a camp trip going to be ok? When she's 14? 16?
My tendency is to watch the teens even closer than tweens because I trust the kids but not their hormones.
I went away to camp for 1 week 3 years in a row (I was 10, 11 and 12).
We rode horses, paddled canoes, learned archery, cooked by campfire, had a prank night (which was really a good deed night - we painted the latrine a lovely shade of pink - the counselors were all in on it and provided the paint/brushes), learned all kinds of camp songs "The other day, I met a bear", etc.
It was a blast!
Will you worry - Sure you will! - but your baby is growing up.
Ready or not - here it comes!
Now go out there and have some fun!
I can't see one positive in your post about her going. Well, her friend will be happy. But that's it. Your husband is opposed. Your daughter doesn't want to go. And it's expensive. This is a no brainer.
That said, it's not a bad idea for your daughter to try being away from mommy for a few nights. Perhaps the two of you can do research together about sleep away camps she *would* like. If she has any hobbies, are there camps that correspond, like an art camp or a soccer camp? Sometimes having that connection to something she cares about might make her a bit more interested.
Not sure what the question is! You don't, in your heart of hearts, want her to go, your husband doesn't want her to go, most importantly, SHE doesn't want to go, and it's too expensive! I would never FORCE my child to do an expensive extracurricular that she didn't want to do and that my husband and I didn't believe in. My 10 year-old daughter went away for two nights this spring with her school camp -- I didn't feel good about it and she was on the fence -- no cell phones, no contact, etc. But most of her friends were going and her teacher was going, and if she didn't go, she'd have to go to school and sit in a 3rd grade class room (she's in 4th) for three days with nothing to do or have an unexcused absence. Ultimately, I left it up to her -- she decided to go and she loved it. Your daughter may love it, too. But I don't believe in forcing children to do things like this. When she's ready for that kind of thing and asks for it, then you should have the debate in your mind, but no, I would not do it. Can't see a reason why you would.
I would not make her go...
That being said, mom you and dad have got to let her have experiences without you. Your daughter needs to know what she is capable of.
So much of what you wrote is so timid and worried, do you want that to be what you daughter feels?
Your daughter is a lot stronger than you and she realize.
We must allow our children to do things on their own, to experience different situations and people without us. This is just as important as teaching her how to walk, how to read.
You need to be strong for your daughter and put your faith in her abilities to make good choices and to stand on her own and to let her know you trust her good instincts.
Also mom, let her fail at a few things. There is nothing wrong with a little failure and disappointment. It easier now while she is this age to learn this lesson, than when she leaves for college.
Being a parent is not for the faint of heart, we must put aside our needs for our children. Our job is to make them independent.. Not keep them dependent.
I haven't had to deal with your particular situation. My child was practically born thinking he didn't need parents. He begged to go to overnight camp last year (7 yo) and this year wants to go for 2 weeks.
But here is my 2 cents. It sounds like the whole family has some social anxiety and tends toward being introverted. Nothing wrong with that. But at 12 I am sure part of this is your daughter's own fears and some fears that she has picked up from you and dad. Have a big family sit down meeting. Everyone can list why they think camp is a good idea and why they find it scary. Then discuss strategies for dealing with the fears and maximizing the fun. Then make a decision after that.
My personal opinion is that sending her to camp the first time with a friend who struggled to make friends last year is probably not the best first experience. I usually went to camp by myself because camp is one of the easiest places you will ever be to make friends. It is designed to bring kids together and have fun. The couple times I went with a friend I ended up feeling responsible for that friend having a good time. I felt bad when she didn't like the food or activities and I felt obligated to hang out more with her instead of meeting new people.
Can't speak to the particulars of your child or your family, but can speak to age, cost and no contact. The sleepaway camps I attended had kids as young as 7. The cost is comparatively inexpensive, and the no contact thing is pretty par for the course. Believe me, in the event of a true emergency, you will be the first to know.
My parents and I were both pleased for the camping experience. They said that I came home much more self sufficient, responsible, and independent. Also getting out in the fresh air, learning riding, archery, swim skills, etc was a great thing for this otherwise city girl.
Good luck to you and yours, and may you find peace with whatever you decide.
F. B.
My parents "encouraged" me to go to camp every year from about age 10 till 14 or 15. I attended various camps, sometimes with friends, sometimes with my brother...
Honestly. I hated it. I never really wanted to go, I always did it just to make my parents happy.
I never made any good friends at camp. I never felt comfortable or slept or ate well.
The only time I really enjoyed a camp was when I was in High School and I attended a Language camp for a month and learned German and studied a whole bunch and got a high school credit for it...
My personality and camp did not mesh.
Trust your gut on this one.
Does she have logical reasons for not wanting to go? If you think it would be good for her and that she might actually have a great time, you probably should continue to encourage her to go.
If you think she'll make herself sick over it, it's not a big deal if she doesnt go.
12 is a good age for camp, but lots of 12 yr olds are pretty wild.... if she hasnt been exposed to "street smart" kids in the past, I can understand why you might want to keep her home.
We don't want to cripple our children by not exposing them to the world, but it is hard to let them go.
Only you and Dad really know whether or not this one be good for her, you kind of have to let your own emotions about it ride.
It's no different than sending them off to kindergarten the first day, it's a scary feeling to not be in control.
Examine her reasons for not wanting to go.... we all have to face the grizzly one in awhile to get to the next level.
Geebers,
My son is going away for camp for the first too and while I'm scared to death,I keep telling myself that it is good for him to keep busy over the summer,meet new friends,try new things but most of all,summer camps are good because its a great opportunity for children coming of age to do something on their own and have have their little life experiences...doing things like a zip-line,or something theyve never tried and finding theyre good at it.Being away from home is a really big deal for a tween,this is a very awkward age.I feel with camp counslers,whether they are bolder members or staff,will guide kids that need that extra push to do some activities that they normally wouldnt do is still doing it on their own because its not mom and dad telling them its ok,but new friends.Theyre learning to trust and a great sense of independence.I told my son not having his cell phone is good because he is going for him and checking to see whats going on at home every five minutes is distraction and takes away from what he is doing there.However,they times that children can email home and also write letters and recieve letters.I do not want him to feel like he is "missing anything"theres a reason they do that,besides damage and possibly theft.Remember the "good ol' days"when we wre younger?Kids NEED things like summer camps now a days.Its a humbling experience.Forget video games and cell phones,its a chance to be artistic,express themselves,and the best part is,the way they integrate the children by breaking them up into teams or paring them up automatically so it sparks conversation and hopefully friendships!!!!!!Good luck
Do not force her to go!!!!! She will resent it for the rest of her life!!!
My mother forced us to go to summer camp (most of the time-so she could spend time with her boyfriends.....one summer me and my brother came home from camp and SHE WAS MARRIED again! Just imagine coming home to a stranger, and him expecting you to call him dad!)
I fought with her all the time, as I did not want to go. Our camp counselors were mean, made us scared of everything (ghosts were in the woods ya know!) and it was just plain miserable.
She doesn't want to go - so why is this a question? It's too expensive - you're uncomfortable - your hubby is totally opposed - seems like the answer is right in front of you.
If none of you are in favor of it then I don't see the point . . . I would not go just to help out the friend. It's too big of a commitment for a simple friendly gesture.
I think it's great for kids to branch out and develop faith in themselves that they can handle things. But some go at a slower pace than others.
I would pray about it first and foremost.
This is easy. No, don't "make" her go! Your hubby doesn't want her to go, you don't want her to go, SHE doesn't want to go, and you said it is too expensive for your family at this juncture. It's quite simple. Even IF, and that is a big IF, your daughter is only saying that she doesn't want to go because she feels that is what you and her Dad want from her............... it won't help her for you to "force" her to go to a sleep away camp that you have not researched and picked out on your OWN. I know that you have looked into it some since the friend asked her, but what you should really focus on is finding one that fits YOUR CHILD. Honestly, if she has never stayed away from home other than with relatives, I would start with having her go on one night and then 2 night sleep overs at a couple of her good friends homes, who you know the parents and are comfortable with. (where she CAN call you if she has an issue or just needs to say goodnight) Then as she gets ok with THIS, you can work up to ppossibly finding a camp that fits HER interests next summer, and check out the cost, rules, etc. Once you start looking WITH her, you and the hubby will feel much more relaxed about it and SHE will as well. She is old enough to go to a sleep away camp, but it isn't a mandatory "rite of passage" for anyone. My almost 19 year old daughter NEVER went to any sleep away camps, and she really didn't like staying overnight at friends homes. They usually slept over here. She was a "home body", and now she just came home for the summer from her 1st year of college, and has done very well. She has nothad ANY issues with being homesick, and has a ton of friends, LOVES living n the dorm, and next year will be living in an off campus apartment for students of her college. She kept her grades up and managed to even stay on the deans list all year. Not ALL kids need to go too sleep away camps.................. they all end up just fine in the end. Good luck, and look for something that your daughter has interest in, not just having her go with a friend. Best wishes to you all! :)
My 12 yo daughter went to camp in Prescott for her science camp at school. They had a GREAT time. But she wanted to go. I think that is the difference. When I was little, I went to bible camp every single summer from the youngest age possible to the oldest age you could go! Since your daughter doesn't even want to go, I would not make her. However, I would start to encourage more time away from you and have her do other things with friends and their family. She needs to learn to interact with people who are not in her immediate circle. I would start to take steps to help her do that. Good luck!
Well, here's what happened with my daughter - her "friend" wanted her to go. They had been friends for about a year thru our 4-H club - this was a 4-H camp. I didn't have the separation issues as bad as you but I was still a little apprehensive. My daughter was not sure she wanted to go but I encouraged her because even tho I had no personal experience with camp, I THOUGHT she would have fun; my son had always had fun with the Boy Scout camps, etc, so I figured why not!
WELL.... the so-called "friend" ditched my daughter the very FIRST day because she found someone from school she didn't know was going to be there!!! Instead of blending the two friends, she left my daughter just hanging!!! My daughter sufferered thru the first two days totally alone and then the counselor FINALLY let her call me - VERY late at night!!! She was absolutely hysterical and although I was willing to drive the hour to get her, I was able to calm her down enough to stay the night and I drove down VERY early the next morning and got her. Turns out, the counselor in the cabin didn't even try to help; she was totally oblivious!!!! I was absolutely horrified by the whole experience!!!!
Needless to say, she has NEVER asked to go to camp again!!!! And as for the "friend" - never spoke to her again!!! I spoke to her mom about it and sure, she sent a little note apologizing but the damage had been done!!!
So, in my opinion, if you force her to go, I hope the camp isn't too far away and you're prepared to lose your money!!!
There will be other opportunites for her to deal with the separation issues!!
Good luck!!!
I'm just curious why your daughter's friend is going again. Poor kid. I agree with most posters that I wouldn't make her go. Sure, eventually she'll need to be able to go off on her own but she's only 12 now. I didn't go to camp at that age and am now very independent. :)
I LOVE that you aren't afraid to bot honest and say how hard it is to be apart. That's actually a really good thing! In our society we foster this idea that it's good to be "independent" and raise "independent" kids etc...but when the going gets rough, (and it always does, whether you're 13 or 30 or 60!) you need people to stand by you. friends are fickle and not always there when you need them. Family is forever. to develop a strong interdependent family is a good thing. It's a support through thick and thin and exactly what God gave us!
Trust your instincts. If you're unsure of letting her go then wait a year. They grow up so fast and are adults for so much of their lives...don't push it. church camps are usually safe, however, just because the name "church" Is attached to it doesn't mean it IS safe. If I were you I'd also trust my husband. if he is so against it, she doesn't want to go, and you make her go, God forbid anything should happen.but...it would be all your fault!
My husband is a youth pastor and is getting ready for his twelfth year of camp. His advice? Do not force her to go if she absolutely is against it. Camp is about making a connection with the students and in turn, them making a connection spiritually. If you trust the church and the counselors, allow her to attend church a few times with her friend. See if she makes some connections with the leaders and other students. If she does, then she would be able to go to camp and enjoy herself knowing that she has several people to hang out with.
As for cell phones, my husband encourages the kids to take them, but they know there are several times of the day that they need to have them silent and be respectful (ex. Not texting during the worship service or the small group sessions) He knows that they are far from home, and sometimes try want to post camp pics on facebook or just need to say goodnight to their parents once in a while.
As for the camp price, we typically attend a place in Riverside CA. The cost is $350 and they have all year to raise money and make payments. Parents that can't afford it are usually offered partial or full scholarships. We don't want money to stand in anyone's way of going. Does that church have scholarships available? Especially for a friend that's being invited so close to time to go and probably didn't attend fundraiser events.
Whatever you decide, know that she has several more summers to decide to go to camp! Good luck to you all!
Good-quality camps are great for kids - I have two older kids that went to 2 or 3 weeklong camps each summer starting at age 8 or 9. Nothing bad ever happened to them (unless you count occasional minor personality conflicts). It is so important to build their sense of independence, of the ability to explore and be away from the known environment... One of my daughters is now a camp counselor at one of the camps she went to for so many years.
However, I don't think that the camp you are looking at is necessarily the best choice though. And I don't think she should go if she doesn't want to, or if your husband is 'really against it'. Self confidence is very important for a pre-adolescent girl, so do your research, and find a good one that your daughter can get excited about.
Nope, she doesn't want to go, don't make her go. Her life, her days away, her choice.
If she doesn't want to go, and considering the price, I certainly would not make her go. I wouldn't "make" her go even if it were free. Four nights is a lot for a child who has really never been away except with extended family. Sorry for the other girl, but that's not your or your daughter's problem!
I wouldn't make her go - trust your instincts and save the money for a family vacation some other time.
Good Luck
Don't make her go. It's one thing if we as parents can't let go, but the child wants to. But in this case, you aren't comfortable with it and she's not either. What would be accomplished by making her go...?
I would spend the $420. on a local camp or class that is only for a few hours a day, but gives her something new to do or try.
Don't give it a second thought. She'll be ready to be away when she's ready and it's not now.
