Hi mamas,
I'm struggling with something on this, the last day of our summer break! I know soon I'll be missing my older son while he's in school (starting kindergarten! eeeek!), but I just thought I'd reach out and see how other moms handle this.
I know this is probably my own fault because of the expectations I've set, but my kids (2 and 5) cannot leave me alone for 2 seconds to get something done. Case in point, this morning I needed to take care of 2 phone calls and scanning and emailing a document. I told my older son that I needed until the long hand of the clock was on the 3 (15 minutes total) to get a couple things done and he needed to play. My younger one was engrossed in blocks (he's better at entertaining himself than big brother!) so I told older one that if at all possible, I needed him to play and let me be for just that long.
In the end it took me 40 min to complete what should have taken 10-15 min because he, and then little bro started following in big bro's footsteps, would not leave me alone. He had questions, he wanted to show me something, he was harassing little brother in a way that he knew would get my attention, etc.
I began by patiently reminding him about the clock and that mommies need to get things done. But after a while I became so frustrated! I told him 20 times, mommies need to get things done, go play, this house is full of toys, I gave him suggestions what he could do.
We call these "mommy days," when nanny isn't here and I'm home with them (I run my own business so I have work, but not on a strict schedule which I'm so thankful allows me these days with them...well, I'm USUALLY thankful for that :) ), and he kept saying "mommy days are when you're supposed to play with us! this is taking too long!" etc.
When he was a little younger I could set him up with some "work" of his own at my desk and he thought he was big stuff working with mommy and that worked well for these 10-15 min increments. But now he's kind of over that, and little one isn't there yet. So its a struggle every time I have something I need to take care of.
The thing is, I get where they're coming from, because I often am able to devote most of my attention to them on "mommy days," taking them places, doing activities, or just sitting on the floor of the playroom with them. I think of that as a positive thing that I'm blessed to be able to do. But on days like this, on those rare occasions where real grown up life spills over into "mommy days," it always ends in frustration! I'm thinking maybe I should "train" them by purposely having something to do even when I don't so they don't expect my undivided attention all the time?
What do you suggest?
Stop having 24/7 mommy time. They NEED to learn to play on their own in order to become adults that aren't stage 5 clingers.
You've made your bed, and now you'll have to lie in it while you start letting them become independent.
Unless you want to raise two co-dependent child-adults who never move out and never can be alone.
Instead of reminding them over and over as they interrupt you, put them in the playroom and tell them to stay there. Put up a gate or shut the door if you must.
Or give them another sure-fire way to stay busy. Play-doh, a snack, a movie....something that will keep their attention for at least 20 minutes.
I agree with those moms that say that you need to teach your kids to get along without you. 20 minutes isn't very long, and it sounds like they are especially needy.
You know, I think your last proposal of 'training' them is a great idea.
One thing I did as a nanny was to ensure I did the morning and lunchtime dishes and that the kitchen was clean. Not because it was part of the job, but because the kids needed an opportunity to 'go play and find something fun to do'. Even as a nanny I knew it was important for the kids to learn how to entertain themselves, and if I was busy "doing" with them all the time, they wouldn't 'get it'. So, I'd set them up with playdough or something fairly easy for the kids to do on their own and then, when they said "come and see" I would always reply "I'm washing dishes/doing X right now, and I'll come look when I get these rinsed off in a minute." Then, I'd follow through to a natural stopping point. Thus, the kids learned that A. they *could* wait for a few minutes; B. That I *could* be relied upon to go and look at their creations after that few minutes and that C. The adults have important things which need their attention and that it's okay.
I did this with my son, too, and still do from time to time. "Mom, come see."
"Well, I'm right in the middle of the chopping veggies. When I'm done with this, I'll come and see" or "You know, I need ten more minutes to finish what I'm doing, so let's put the timer on. Even if I'm not done, I'll come look in ten minutes. Listen for the ding!"
I do suggest a timer, too. It's a great, neutral way to keep track of time and if you do respond to the 'ding' with your attention for them, they'll learn to relax and go play and just rely on the timer to remind you-- instead of themselves. :) Good luck!
The way I got things done when mine where little is that I made up a schedule of "daily duties" and stuck to it. I broke it down by am and pm and put everything on it I had to do for that day. Cleaning the bathroom, living room, bedrooms, laundry, diapers, meals, naps, playtime and park, etc.
Yes, we all took a nap from 1 to 3 each day after lunch. It took about a month before it all fell into place but boy it was worth it. I could even go grocery shopping with them and have time to myself.
They are old enough to learn how to play by themselves. Your 5 year old will be in kindergarten soon and that will free up time to do things with the little one while the older one is away. Then you can have one on one time with the older one after school (30 to 40 minutes). Teach them how to do things on their own at a younger age for the future.
Start now so that when they do leave the nest you won't have to run over and clean up their messes. Their future partners will appreciate this as well. No one wants a momma's boy for a spouse or roommate.
the other S.
My two are the same age as yours, 5 & 2. I occasionally work from home, but I am in school full-time (online) so I understand where you are coming from.
I think that helping them to learn that you do not exist solely for their entertainment is a good thing, I'm sure you want some independence for your kids, but you are correct that they will need "training". It won't be an instant fix, but you could start setting aside 15 or twenty minute blocks of time several times per day when the kids need to play by themselves.
I explain to my older child (like your kids, my younger son is better at independent play) that I need to accomplish some task before I can play with him again, and that if he interrupts me it will take longer. I make a few suggestions for things my son can do while I am busy, but I leave the decision to him. Then I go do my work, reminding him firmly that I have to focus on something else at the moment, but I will be finished sooner if he gives me a chance to work without unnecessary interruption. I repeat this each time he comes to get me.
Its a process, but he is getting better. :-)
I want to be able to make a phone call, have a conversation with my husband, prepare a meal, or god forbid, have a moment to myself without my kids needing my constant attention. I want them to learn to play without an adult present, and to figure out how to entertain themselves and be a bit more self-sufficient. I think its good for everyone.
Good luck!
I have only one and I made sure that she learned to entertain herself from the start - and trust me I did feel like a bad mom when I let her play by herself even when I was available to involve myself. She is your older son's age now, starting K this fall, and will blissfully play by herself for an hour or longer....
I think for your younger child you still can get him used to just that: when he is playing by himself NEVER get involved. Ever. Let him play until he comes to you... and even then send him back to keep playing for another few minutes before you come. That way he will get used to just enjoy free play by himself.
For your older child it may be more difficult. He is used to getting your attention immediately when you are at home, that expectation is difficult to break. I have some workbooks for my DD that I can set her up with for quiet play, that you be worth a try.
And when you just really need those 15 minutes - nothing wrong with turning on the TV, a computer game or popping in a DVD while you get things done - it's not like you let them watch for hours at a time.
Good luck.
Since my kids were toddlers, I just always did the usual household routines/chores etc. And I taught my kids.... Mommy has things to do. Mommy has chores to do. Mommy has her routine. And they have their routine. And then we have our routine.
It was never a problem for me getting things done in the house.
Kids learn, the "routines" you teach them, about yourself and the household running of it.
But if you are their only constant entertainment, then they will learn that too.
My kids are now 7 and 10. When I have typical things to do in the house, all I have to say is "Mommy has to do house things now." And that's it. They know, what that means. And that they are fine being self-reliant and independent. Sure they call me etc., BUT I have taught them to ALSO do things for themselves. Hungry? go to the kitchen. Thirsty? Go to the kitchen. IF it is an immediate concern they need me for? TELL Mommy "ITS important Mommy." And I can tell by their voices.
SURE we do things together and outings and play. But ya know, when or if I need a break, I will actually tell them "Mommy is tired, I'm going over there to sit on the couch. Give me 15 minutes." And they do.
You see, I taught them typical everyday life, of a house and what we all do in it.
I cannot get anything done with them (5 little ones).
So I did preschool all day, which simply allows me time to get their clothes clean, meals made, house tidy, etc. Yes, it takes hours. I still do this with a baby and toddler @ home (too young for pre-k) but it's way easier than the 5 home.
If all you do is work and pay attention to them, when do you have time just for you? I think the timer idea as Nervy Girl explains sound very neutral and easy to use. But I had 2 girls who at those ages could play for 4 hours at the kitchen table with play doh without my help (I was nearby doing laundry or dishes or on the computer, etc.), and also play for hours with little plastic princess dolls that they set up with house they built from boxes and blocks. They loved playing in "castles" we built from sheets hanging over tables or ropes tied between chairs, with pillows inside. They also liked sitting in the double stroller side-by-side and moms would come up to me in the mall and ask how I got them to do that. Truth is, I had easy kids. I babysat some of their adhd friends during long playdates and learned quickly that not all kids can play alone. But I would redirect these friends back to play with the toys and my kids when they came over to talk to me by telling them, you are here to play not to talk to me. I think you also simply have to remove yourself with the gate on the room idea to force them to be bored and find ways to entertain themselves.
Say that to do x you need to accomplish y. I work from home and when DD is not in school, she can understand that I need to get things done. I also do things like the dishes or throw in a load of laundry when she's watching a cartoon or eating breakfast.
I've plainly told my daughter (since she was 2ish) that if she doesn't let me do what I need to do, then she can't have her time at the park or whatever. So it is in her best interest to let me have my time. I explain that I'd love to always just do what she wanted us to do, but then our house would stink, she wouldn't have clothes. etc. And I try to limit the length of time I spend on any particular block of chores or work.
If she is unwilling to let me get things done, we don't go. End of discussion. Now that she is 5, she helps feed the cats, gets dressed, helps with her own breakfast. Sometimes I set a timer or I tell her "You have til the end of Henry Hugglemonster." That seems to make it something she can understand.
