Friend Had an Affair...What to Say?

Oh boy.
Well, I don't think it's for you to pass judgement on her - as some other posters are clearly doing. She was (presumably) your friend before she got married, and she will be afterward (I hope).

I would wait for her to bring it up. It's none of your business. If she wants to talk about it, she will. And then it's your job to listen to what she has to say, answer her questions or give her feeback honestly and non-confrontationally, and then listen some more.

No one knows the circumstances of her situation, and I'm sure she feels quite lonely. Be a friend, listen and if you need to, just don't discuss the situation going forward.
But please, be a friend.

If you come out and criticise her, she'll walk away from you, too. You might want to listen to her side of the story first, then tell her what a surprise this is for you and you don't know what to think about it - all of which is true. Once you've heard the story, you need to decide if this is something you can live with in a friend. For the sake of the friendship you once had, it's worth hearing her out. After that, it could be she's on a different path, she likes it there and just doesn't want to return to a place where she was unhappy. Perhaps being a distant friend might be manageable, or maybe it's just too much for you. Sometimes friendships run their course and then it's over. You just don't have enough information to make a call on it yet.

Having not grown-up in a strong church community, I tend not to know the expectations placed upon members. But, my husband grew-up in a very close-knit church community, and I am learning from him that while people put on a good show, many have several skeletons in their closets or have to deal with indiscretions of their children who may not choose to follow the same path.

If it were someone I knew, I'd probably approach it the following way, "I know you need a friend, and I'm happy to be here for you, but I have to tell you how I feel about the situation first, and then you can decide if you still want my help".

People make mistakes - a lot of mistakes. Some just happen to be bigger and more unforgivable than others. It's too bad, in this case, that she's chosen to affect her children and her family this way, but we don't know all the information. An affair is an affair and is not forgivable.

I'd let her talk, tell you the whole story and then decide if you can support her based upon the information. If you can't get past it morally, it's OK. That may be one of the consequences of her actions that she'll have to accept.

Good luck!

If you are truly her friend, you will just love her through this. I'm not saying that you excuse what she did, but she is obviously not all with it right now, as she has just made some life altering decisions, and not only betrayed her husband, but her innocent children also.

We all do things that would, I'm sure, make another person cringe...some worse than others, and no one is perfect. You probably won't be able to "talk" any sense into her. She will have to deal with the natural consequences of her choices, whatever that may be. At some point, she will realize her error, (hopefully) and take steps to fix her life. The best thing you can do is love and support her right now. Good luck. : )

K.

A good friend will listen, not judge, and give advice/opinions ONLY if asked. If you can't do that, just tell her (and her parents) you don't want to talk about it. Surely you can find something else to talk about.

Wow- that's a lot to cope with. But remember- listening is not 'condoning' a behavior- but it is NECESSARY in order to really be informed about a situation before you decide how you feel about it.

When I got divorced, it was the most difficult choice I ever made. No one was cheating in my marriage- but there were many other pressures and things going on from my husband that no one else knew about. He was determained to present a perfect happy picture to all our friends and relatives and finally I just could no longer maintain that 'fake' picture for people and his issues came crashing down around our heads anyway.

I am not saying that is the situation with your friend- but unless you listen, you will never know. The one thing I will be forever grateful for is the way my friends and family rallied around me after I told them what was going on and that I was going to leave my husband. Even my parents, who did not approve of divorce, finally realized that in this case, the situation was never going to change and that it was the best thing for me and for their grandson.

Don't cast a stone- you just NEVER know what has happened in another person's life or what they need at any particular time. Many people, when in the process of getting divorced, see someone else, feeling that they 'deserve it' etc. But also- many women going through a divorce are so upset and so starved for someone to confirm that they are still attractive, a good person, a good mom, etc. that they behave differently than they normally would. I am not 'condoning' that- but I can see how it happens.

Be supportive about the issues you can be supportive about, and be candid and honest with your friend if you think she should not be involved with another man at this time- but do it out of love and support and kindness, not accusation, or from a 'holier than thou' perspective.

Your friend is dealing with this whole thing in the best way she can. Maybe it isn't how you or her family WISHES she would deal with it, or the best possible situation- but with love and support, she can make better choices for herself and her kids. Without love and support, she is only going to be worse, not better.

Good luck- remember, kindness and honesty are the best tools you have!

There is probably more going on with your friend and her now defunct marriage than a lot of other people really know. It would be nice if our world can be nice and orderly all the time and we made all the right decisions all the time, but we are not. We are messy individuals who are very reactive at times and very confused.

It's very possible that her former marriage may not have been a good, loving marriage. Your friend may not have known how to work on her problems with the relationship within the relationship and she may have been reticent about opening up about her feelings about her former husband with friends and family members, seeking advise, for fear of being judged or she just doesn't know how to communicate that way.

I'm a firm believer in marriage and making it work but no one should be in a marriage that is making you miserable. You only have one shot at life; you shouldn't have to be forced to live a miserable life just because you are afraid of what people are going to say about you. Hopefully you will work on you relationship before calling it quits, especially when you have children, but it takes a lot of maturity and wisdom to do that sometimes. Please just be a friend and listen without judgment. Just be there for her because that's what you would want from a friend if you in a situation where you were feeling a little bit lost and feeling as if your world was topsy-turvy.

Hope this helps.

I havent read your other posts..But if she has been your friend for this long its not fair to just end your relationship, everyone makes mistakes and if shes already finalizing the divorce its not going to do much good to convince her otherwise. I would be her friend br there for her encourage her to remember her children come first! they are the most important thing in her life. Being her friend will maybe keep her close to her family.

You have to figur out what you really want from a relationship with her. I don't think it's realistic to say that you need to talk some sense into her, as her parents suggested. I'm not condoning her actions, but it doesn't sound like she's regretting her decisions or that her marriage fell apart after she confessed her transgressions...she had an affair, she chose to leave her husband, she chose to continue this relationship...to me it sounds like she's happy with her decisions. You may think she's nuts and that's fine, but who are you to tell her how to live her life. If you value her friendship and you think you can carry on in a relationship with her based on her new life, then you should. Being friends with her doesn't necessarily mean that you condone her actions. We all have friends that have different meanings and help us in differerent areas of our life. If she's important to you then keep her in your life. If you can't get past her actions and don't think you can be around someone who makes these kinds of judgements, then don't. But I do think you owe her at least some sort of explanation, don't just disappear. Simply say, I'm not comfortable with the choices you've made and I'm not sure I can be around you right now...or some such thing! Do what you feel is right and what you want to do, but please don't try and convince her she was wrong. She either knows and doesn't want to deal with it or doesn't think so and no amount of talking is going to change her mind.

I'm in agreement with the women who say you should try to be her friend and not judge her. If you absolutely can't get past the situation after you hear her side of it, then just tell her you are uncomfortable and can't figure out how to get past it. If you don't even want to hear her side of it, just leave it alone. If she calls to invite you out, say no thank you and explain it makes you uncomfortable. I would never call her up and be cruel to her, she has already figured out you don't approve.

You can be friends with someone without condoning everything they do. And without judging them. I have friends who have done things I can't fathom doing myself, but it isn't my place to judge them. We aren't in high school anymore, and bad behavior isn't contagious. My friends couldn't possibly influence me to do things I don't want to do.

I don't see how you can "talk sense into her". What is it they want her to do? Go back to her husband? Does he even want her back? You can't just erase the past. She is a big girl and will have to work out her own life. Her parents can't make her do what they want her to do anymore, and it isn't your job to take that on. So I would personally leave that burden behind. Don't feel like it is your responsibility to do that. Being a friend to her at this point is just like it always was, listening and supporting. If you can remain her friend but you can't listen and support this particular set of circumstances, ask her to not discuss those topics with you.

I bet you have at least a few friends that have done things you would never guess or approve of, and you just don't know it like you do this time.

Well this is not the type of person I would want to be friends with. It would make me nervous on so many levels. She doesn't value marriage the way you do. You might pick up some bad behavior from her.
Its a shame but I would not waste any time on her. When you said your guessing she could use a friend..what about her poor husband..did he deserve that? I would distance myself from her.
I am christian also. You can forgive her but it doesn't mean you condone her actions.

Hi,
To me the answer to your question was a no-brainer. If a married, long time friend of mine with children did that to her husband and children she would no longer be a friend of mine. I'm surprised you have waited so long to tell her your feelings about what she has done since divorcing usually takes a few months, if not longer. I'd call your friend asap and be very honest with her. I would tell her that as a result of her poor choice in having an affair while married, it appears she no longer has same morals and values that she once had and that you have and you no longer consider her a friend. Sounds like she is an immature,self-centered person who didn't take her marital vows at all seriously; she obviously has little value for family and the lives of her young children. I feel the sorriest for her children, it is so unfair that she has done this to them. Please make a point of staying close to them and her husband if you can, if you were a part of their lives. I would call her husband asap and let him know of your break in the friendship with her. Tell him you will continue to be a friend of his and his childrens and will support them in anything you can do to help.

Actions have consequences. I'm sure she wants friendship right now, but do you really want to hang out with an adultress? If she wants to hang out with you, speak the truth to her in love. And, I would very strongly limit the amount of time I would spend with her. Bad company corrupts good morals.