74 answers

My Friend Is Putting Me in the Middle

I have a good friend that I dearly love that is putting me in a situation that I feel uncomfortable with. She is married and states that she is not happy in her marriage anymore. She is seeing someone on the side, where she knows it will go no where. I don't think what she is doing is right, but it is her decision to make not mine. She just asked me for a favor that I am not quite comfortable with. She wants to purchase a gift for her admirer and have me put it on my credit card so her husband will not see the transaction on their credit card. I am not sure I want to do this because I don't want her to think that she can do this all the time. But first of all, I know her husband and so does my husband, and I don't want to get in the middle of this. How do I deal with this? Any suggestions?

2 moms found this helpful

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thank you all for your advice & support. It truly has been very helpful and soothing. I finally called her up and told her that I have been stressed and dwelling on her request and she cannot expect me to do this for her. That I don't feel comfortable with it. What she does is her business, but I love her daughters and if this ever exploded, I don't want to be part of it. I don't agree with what she is doing but it is her business. If I did do the purchase for her, I wouldn't want to lie to my husband and tell him it is a gift for her husband which she wanted me to say if my husband asked. I told her I didn't want any problems in my marriage. She actually had the guts to tell me that she should have said it was for her husband and not her lover, then I would have done it. I actually was shocked that she said that, and I told her that I can't believe she would lie to me. I told her that I don't lie to her, and that I thought our friendship was based on honesty. So through this all, she said that she knew I didn't feel comfortable and it was fine. She will figure something out. I am not sure if she is upset with me or not, but truthfully I don't care. If she is a true friend, she will leave me out of it and stop discussing her personal problems with me. From here on, I will be trying to distance myself a bit from her. I have a baby on the way any day, and a wonderful husband I love so much to focus on. And in the future if she decides to continue bothering me, I will tell her that I am too busy to hear her drama, that I have a family to attend to and not be a shrink. FYI, she was also suppose to ask another friend of ours for the same favor she asked me for. When I spoke with her today, she still had not been able to make the purchase. I assume our other friend may have told her no as well. Maybe she will get it, but I doubt it. I think after this talk, she will leave me out of it. I feel so much better. I felt a huge relief off my chest when I spoke with her. Thank you all, you have all been very helpful!!

Featured Answers

You're right. You're friend is being no friend and putting you in the middle of something. She's clearly not thinking of anyone but herself.

I would tell her no. It's an unreasonable request and completely unfair to you.

Good luck.

-M

2 moms found this helpful

I haven't read the other responses, but simply tell her you're not comfortable with it. If she has a fit, she is not a good friend, so let her go. It's really as simple as that.

1 mom found this helpful

You should tell her exactly what you stated here: what she does is her decision, but you are not comfortable being put in the middle of it. You are under no means obligated to say yes to her. Just say no, you are not comfortable with it and then try to change the topic. Don't dwell on it and hopefully she won't either.

1 mom found this helpful

More Answers

Hi M.:
You Love your friend,sadly the feeling isn't mutual or she wouldn't attempt to involve you in her infidelities. She hasn't given a thought,of this possibly destroying your own marriage over this. How are you to explain these charges to your own husband,if he sees them on your credit card? Why should you jeopardize your relationship,so she can slide by unscathed? No friend of mine would ever consider doing such a thing.You know M.,cheating,having affairs,is probably one of the most cowardly,selfish acts there is. Not only is it dishonest,but extremely selfish. You rob the individual your cheating on of any true happiness for himself. If your friend is no longer happy in her marriage,then she needs to set him free,so he can move on,and be with someone who genuinely loves him.He deserves to be HAPPY to.Don't you think? If the four of you are good friends,eventually your husband is going to discover you knew about her sneaking around,and it will give him reason to wonder.Would your friend do you the same favor? Tell your friend, NO ....she needs to stop and think about someone other than herself.Like her husband and her best friend.I wish you the best. J. M

5 moms found this helpful

Hi M., I would not do it, it's wrong in every sense of the word. You mentioned you are expecting your first baby, this is a joyful time for you, and you don't have the time for this mess. If you do, do it the thought of your husband and this other man finding out will always haunt you. Just know what she is doing and keeping her secret could affect your marriage. If your husband does not know tell him, and tell him what she asked of you, so when the you know what hits the fan and it will, you come out as being honest. That's what I would do in this situation. In was in one simular to this, I told my husband everything because he and my best friend's husband were on the same ship together. Don't let her deception becomes yours. I have to really wonder how good of a friend she really is to ask this of you. J. L.

5 moms found this helpful

Just tell her no.
You will be an "accomplice" in this, and partly to blame, if all this information gets public and she gets caught in her affair.

Just say NO.
She can't reasonably expect you to do this. It is NOT your behavior, it is hers.

It is not complicated... just say no. She can vent to you, but that's it. And that you no longer want to hear about her affair... that it makes you uncomfortable.

You do NOT have to be in the middle of this, if you don't want to.
A friend, is one who will not "guilt" another friend into things like this. And realize it is their own "adult" responsibility to handle it, on their own, WITHOUT implicating others. What she is asking you to do, is selfish. AND you are pregnant... she should not be bothering you with these things, nor getting you tangled up in her web of deceit and her affair.
She needs counseling...
Does your Husband know about this? What would he think, if you did this? It affects TRUST of all persons... your "friend" has involved.
Just stay out of it.
Your friend, if she is responsible enough, WILL understand without making you feel guilty about it, for not helping her.

All the best,
Susan

3 moms found this helpful

You say she's a good friend? Then be straight with her, tell her no and tell her why.

3 moms found this helpful

Trust yourself and don't do it. Be honest with her and explain it in a kind and sincere way. You need to prepare yourself for her possible responses, including anger. In the end, you need to follow your own moral compass and be true to your values. This is a stressful situation and I'd recommend getting through it as quickly as possible and put the focus back on you and your soon-to-be-born baby.

Best wishes...and congratulations on your pregnancy!

P.S. My gut also tells me that your husband wouldn't be too crazy about the "help" that your friend is asking from you.

2 moms found this helpful

Congrats on the new baby!!!!

You have more important things in your life, like your hubby and new baby coming,you do not need a toxic friend like that. No dear friend would ask such a sneaky dishonest request like this. I would tell her she is on her own. You don't agree with what she is doing. I would keep a close on on her in your own home too!!!

Good luck

2 moms found this helpful

"No" is a complete sentence.

2 moms found this helpful

If she is really a true and good friend, she would NOT ask this of you. I would refuse and distance myself from her altogether until she decides what she wants to do about her marriage. You have a husband, a happy marriage and a baby on the way. Please don't jeopardize your marriage by getting more involved in this...it will only lead to fights with your husband and problems in your own marriage. Just tell her that you need to focus on your own home life, marriage and baby and that you will continue to be her friend but that you do not want to hear about her marital situation any longer as this is stressful for you and provokes anxiety. The thing to remember is that you are married. You husband and children come first, your family second and your friends after that. If she really wanted to purchase a gift for the admirer, she could always use cash to do it and not involve you. THAT is what a true friend would do.

The very best to you. Also, congratulations to you and your husband on your new little one. I know you will be a wonderful set of parents.

Best of luck,
J.

2 moms found this helpful

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