Foster Care to Adoption

Hi K.,
We just went through a failed adoption experience so I can speak from the other point of view. We had a 3 year old biological child when I was told I wouldn't be able to have any more. We chose to adopt an older child through a private adoption agency. We had a darling 4 year old girl placed with us but she was Deaf & had been neglected. She stayed with us for 13 months & in that time we should have finalized the adoption but we were waiting for approval from Medicaid. While she was with us, she made tremendous improvements. She started school & was doing a fabulous job. Then, something happened. To this day, I don't know what it was but after living with us for 1 year she regressed back to the child she was when we first got her.

To make a long story short, we decided to have her placed with another family. Some days I still regret the decision & other days my life seems so much easier. I can honestly say I loved this child but I don't think it's the same kind of love I have for my biological child. Maybe more time would have changed this. I'll never know. You are welcome to email me if you think I can help you in any way. Good luck to you!!!
T.

I really don't have advice for you. I would just like to say, fostering a child as well as adoption takes a wonderful person. You are a wonderful person for bringing this child into your lives.

I have never adopted, I have 2 step children and in the beginning I had the same thoughts, and the first year year and a half I really struggled with it, But I can assure you, 7 years later I love them as much as my biological children and couldn't imagine my life without them! I think your feeling are normal, but let me pose this question to you.....isn't the fact that you want to adopt him a symbol of the love you already feel for him? And your frustrations have more to do with the fact that he is 3 1/2 with some issues, an already trying time in the life of a child?

I can also say that I love my children very diffrently, not because I birthed them but becuase they are very different individuals, so my love for them isn't the "same", it is as unique as they are. My only advice is to love him, with no expectations, just becuase he is who he is, and because he is an amazing little boy who only wants to know a mom and dad.

K., I have a sister who has done the foster care to adoption thing with SEVEN children outside her own 3 biological children. Some of these were infants placed with her, (2 of which were siblings a year apart), and the other 4 children were all siblings ranging from about 3-10. While I can't say how she feels from her point of view...(I've never noticed any difference with hers and the others)...What I can say is what she shared with me. Apparently, the family of 4 adopted sibblings were quite a handful at times before the adoption. But, as SOON as they KNEW they were staying for good, they settled right down, and they just love love love being part of the family. Once your little one knows they are to stay, it does impact how that shows up on the outside. I would say this even though your little guy is 2 and a half. There is just something they know is different, and when they can give all their heart, it changes things. So, I agree with everyone else about when you know for sure he is yours, but also, think about how he is feeling. What a blessing all around. :)
J.

It comes with time and once the adoption is finalized it'll be easier. I'm the mother of two adopted foster children (ages 5 and 6) and two biological children (ages 7 and 9) and you'll be shocked to know that eventually you'll almost forget that he's not your biological child. It's hard when they're still foster children and not completely "yours" because your brain and heart put up little blockers because there's always the chance they'll go back to their biological parents. Trust me, once the adoption is finalized you'll feel such relief and love you'll be bursting with joy!

Feel free to message me directly if there's ever anything you'd like to talk about.

K., until you know that you have him and he will be yours for sure, you mind can't let you love him unconditionally because you might lose him and it would be too hard.

Love him as much as you can now, and when they say OK, he is yours, you will see the difference.

M. B. Mother of 2 adopted children who are now 41 and 38

My husband and I have often considered fostering children and I've always been afraid to go forward because I'm afraid of becoming too attached, just to have the child taken away from me. I'm assuming, then,that to be involved in foster care, you have to keep yourself from becoming too attached somehow. Providing a safe, kind, nurturing experience is what is important and real bonding wouldn't be advisable. As I was reading your question, I thought perhaps you are doing the right thing by your heart and just not allowing real bonding to happen while this child was in your foster care. It's probably a defense mechanism you're not even all that cognisant of. True bonding might not happen until this child was really yours. Plus, I wouldn't be surprised if it took time. I don't really know the answers...this is just a guess.

Dear K. -
I have never fostered or adopted a child. However, I do know that this child needs love, as every child does. Think of the child as a gift. Children are at their parents' and caregivers' mercy. You are so wonderful for taking this child into your home. Share that wonderful side with this child and the child will be sure to grow up knowing he is loved.

I'm not sure I have a great answer, but these are my feelings. I am adopted and have always known it. I never felt unwanted or thought that was even a possibility. We have a 41/2 year old and can't have another. We have considered fostering or even private adoption, but some financial changes have kept us from pursuing it. My first thought is to search your soul as to why you want to have a second child in your life. Have you enjoyed your first round of parenting and felt you had more love to share? If yes, then put yourself in your foster child's shoes. I'm guessing this child didn't have a bond with an adult from birth (the kind you and your three 1/2 year old have and am guessing, knowing how the foster system can be, this child maybe has been moved around a bit or had no consistency in home life before being removed. YOur love for this child doesn't have to be the same as that for your birth child, it should just come in equal amounts and with understanding. I'm sure parents with several birth children have different ways of loving each child. As long as it is unconditional, you can do it.

My other thought is, if you feel that these feelings are going to keep you from giving this child unconditional love, then you need to rethink if what you are doing is in his best interest. Not knowing what the issues are your working through are, there isn't a best answer. Keep an open mind and always reflect on why you wanted to do this in the first place. It isn't about you anymore, this child can't keep going through transitions. Who knows that with time, your fears may subside and the love will blossom.

Hi K.,
I am the mother of 2 biological sons and we have adopted 1 girl and 1 boy. He was 16 months and she was 7months when they were placed in our care. After 2 years of fostering them, we were able to adopt them. The love for them will come with time and after the adoption is final, you will let your guard down and love that little boy with all your heart. Thats how it was with us. We were always looking over our shoulders wondering if they were going to take them from us.
They are now 6 &7 years old and doing great.
Any thing else I can try to help you out with, just email me.
R.