Fighting for Attention

This is a common problem for us - you're not alone. I've read the other responses so won't repeat much of the same info but will add that we always have a date night at least once a week that my husband can count on. Also, once a month, we take the whole day and early evening, leave the kids with school and nanny, and go to Malibu, get a room at the pretty Malibu Beach Inn, have a great lunch, shopping, etc., etc. We're home by 9pm and it's a real treat for us both.
You really have to make him feel like he's no. 1 at least part of the time - even if it's not true any of the time!!
Good luck.
P

My Husband took me out to lunch one day and said "You are an incredible mom but a lousy wife" I was pissed! but when I thought about it...he was right. I really stopped giving him attention and only focused on the kids. I got the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr Laura. I read the first chapter and got it. I made him a nice dinner and had great sex and he really started doing all kinds of things for me. He was even changing light bulbs...seriously he was so happy I was giving him attention! He said a few days later..."Thank you for taking me off the shelf" It is a very hard balance! It is so much easier to give him some attention and enjoy the way he treats me and the kids then to not and see him withdrawal and not want to be with us. Now he really would rather stay home with us. When you are together enjoy it don't just do it to get it over with. You deserve to have fun too.

I would encourage your husband to participate in a sport like golf or adult league baseball or soccer, for example. He has a lot of energy and pent up frustration. A man, like a boy, needs plenty of exercise. Sex is just one part of the equation. Channeling his energy toward sports is a more structured use of his time then an extra marital affair! He is in a household of women. He may need male bonding for companionship and self esteem. As he wife, he is looking to you to provide both. So, help him. Do a web search. Find what adult league sports are available where you live. Help him find a sport that he is interested in and then allow him the time to participate. It will make a world of difference. I know because I live in a male household! I am the only female among a husband and three sons. Highly energetic males need athletic outlets for both their mental and physical health. Plus, getting him out of the house will give you time alone with your girls and mother!

PS: Try 'Team in Training.' It is a marathon running training program that raises money for the leukemia society.

Yes, it's very common for husbands to feel left out and jealous of other family members. He wants to know that he'll always be the most important one in the world for you. Many men worry that once a woman becomes a mom, she's all about the kids, and there's no time or energy left for him. He may miss the way it was before the kids, and then feel guilty for thinking that, because he loves his daughters. He may end up blaming you for the times he feels frustrated.

Schedule at least one date every week, and try not to talk about the kids and household the whole time! :) You need couple time to reconnect. Try very hard not to treat him as if he's taking you away from the kids, and don't get upset when he wants to talk about something else. Ask him about his job and the parts of his life he spends away from home, so you'll know what his day is like.

He's probably stressed out about your mom because he feels that your first loyalty will always be to her. Any time there's a guest in the house, it's normal to ask them their opinion on everything - what do you want for dinner tonight? where do you want to go tomorrow? what TV show do you want to watch - and your husband may be thinking, "Why don't I ever get that kind of treatment?" After your mom leaves, let him pick the menu or set the agenda for a while, and tell him how much it means to you that he's patient when your mom is there.

Yes, your instinct is to be angry and push him away, but if you're going to continue to be a pair, a unit, a working marriage, you have to love him a little bit more just because he needs it. It's like loving an unruly toddler - it's so hard to do, but makes everything so much better! You'll feel better and, odds are, the behavior you don't like will show up less and less.

Good luck and God bless.

I'm amazed at all the responses telling you that your husband just needs to "get over it." Unless you chose a jerk of a guy to marry (and I'm trusting that you didn't do that), then thank goodness that at least he is telling you what is bothering him rather than suffering in silence and serving you with divorce papers when he can't take it anymore. If you want to remain married, then please read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. This is such a simple problem to fix -- and all the power to make the change is in your hands. Good luck to you!

I truly think that the best thing you could do would be to read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I know the title usually causes some knee-jerk reactions, but really, honestly...it's the best book I've ever read to help me handle my marriage. It's a really fast read, and what could it hurt? You could always decide it's stupid after you've finished the last chapter. :)

Anyway I think you'll be really glad you read it. Really.

Hi K.,
I have glanced over everyone's responses so far and they all sound pretty good.
I would like to add one thing:
Your husband is not allowed to rage at you like that. That's it.
He needs to be reminded of the rules of fighting. In a quiet moment maybe you can tell him how it hurts your feelings when he rages at you. Let him know you want him to share his feelings with you, he just has to do it in a way that you can listen to him. When he yells, all you hear is rage, not hurt feelings. Know what I mean?
It's never ok to "go off" on your spouse.

E.

I so understand where you are coming from!! I just had my 3rd child, (1st is 16yrs with someone else), my 2nd son just turned 2 years, and my 3rd just turned 4 months, so time is what we dont have alot of!! My BF was not like this with out 1st son, but this one, OH MAN!! Sometimes I question how long our relationship is going to last under these circumstances. He feels like he doesnt have the attention he needs or wants. Me, I dont see there being a shortage considering we have 2 kids that are pretty much back to back! LOL...Guys just have pitty parties and need to feel loved or else they feel rejected. They will never ever admit, but they have moments like us women!! Dont let things bother you, just brush it off and do the best you can to make him smile. Sometimes no matter how much you do, its not going to be enough. Dont worry, he will get past it!!

K., the bottom line is that your husband feels neglected..........whether or not you perceive that he "should or should not" feel this way. I would suggest an indepth conversation regarding what would work for him in regard to his need for attention and then work out a compromise..........I have been married 47 yrs and ignoring this will not work..............

Your husband needs to get over himself. The moment you had children, it stopped being all about you guys and it became a life all about the kids. He's very selfish! The fact that he is yelling at you is a bad sign. Hopefully he does not also take his frustration out on the kids. Tell him to knock it off, or he will not get sex AT ALL! Tell him also that it's very hard to have sex with a grumpy, unappreciative person and you are not obligated to do so. I do not know how often you have sex, but 1-4 times a week should be enough and if he gets more than that and is still complaining, he needs to take care of himself in between. You have children to tend to, and I'm sure you are very tired. Again, he is very selfish!

You are not alone my husband feels the same way sometimes. I have to remind him that we are at the house together alot and during the daytime my focus is the kids and the house. the evenings are ours. If he wants more attention during the day he is welcome to join in our activities rather than sitting and surfing the internet or watching tv. I suggest just giving him small reminders that you recognize he is there. A peck on the check a squeeze to the butt. I even resort to punching him in the arm occationally just to let him know that i know he is there.

K., when I read your description I had a couple of reactions - one is NO YELLING! I know that a lot of people resort to yelling when they are frustrated but it is really not OK- and it speaks volumes about your husbands problem solving methods - does he yell at other adults? Or just you? Does he generally expect to demand what he wants out of life - or negotiate? And does he recognize/acknowledge that this parenting thing is something you are BOTH responsible for?

But, then I also wondered - what kind of regular attention is your husband getting? Do you greet him attentively when you or he see each other at the end of the day - or does he walk in to a tired and distracted mom preoccupied with the demands of two little ones? Is he really yelling about today - or about all the accumulated incidents when he felt ignored?

The yelling is really not ok - and could be a sign that you need some outside help - especially if it's frequent or escalating. A lot of churches offer some counseling services for free/donation - Do you have a church where you can get some counseling - a lot of Catholic churches will do this - and/or refer you for some help. Get it now before the tension gets worse - counseling works!

i dunno if i were you i'd be glad that my husband wanted my attention. i feel very neglected :( and sex is how men emotionally connect. its not all physical.

Sounds like your husband is having trouble telling you that his needs aren't beeing met in a way that you hear. It also sounds like he has been trying to tell you that he wants to have a more intimate relationship with you and you haven't been hearing him. Communication can be difficult. I'm going to guess that he wants more from you than a room mate, house keeper, child care worker and bed partner. It seems he wants a life partner and a friend. This will take a lot from you but he needs you to find out what you can do to "speak his love languages". You are probably both working so hard to show your love to each other (and everyone else in your lives) but you might not be feeling loved. I applaud you for taking care of your husband's need for sex. It sounds like he needs more. Maybe going out on dates will help you reconnect to each other. You could even try to some of the things that attracted him to you back before you got married.

I wish you the best of luck. I also invite you to let him know what you need from him. I assume that you aren't feeling especially loved either. You could start that list with your need for him to stop yelling. I trust that you will both make the changes necessary.

hmm, is he asking for attention? or asking for sex. but I guess sometimes men interpret lack of sex as lack of attention. :)

on one side, you should be grateful that he is letting you know that he needs more of you. my husband and i feel that it is very important for our relationship with each other and with our children if spend adequate time together. unfortunately, busy schedules and 3 kids with one on the way doesn't always allow for that.

we try to schedule at minimum 1 special night a month. that way we have something to look forward to. we also make sure to have something special for the family to do together at least once a month.

but alone adult time is very important to a marriage. and a happy mom and dad is necessary to have for happy, healthy children.

K.,

It sounds as though you are talking about me, but my husband didn't have as much trouble with the kids. His problem has always been my family. If my sister comes down from Oregon (once every two years) he is very jealous. He's always been jealous of my time with my parents (2-3 times a year). It's not like I'm spending every day with them! Yeh, the sex thing...it seemed it was never enough. (not so much now that he's older).

I was running a business also, and yes, he felt the customer's were getting more attention than him.

My parents moved down from the mountains to Seal Beach, which is only about 15 minutes away, so I see them more during the day when he's at work. We go to lunch every Friday.

What I understand, he didn't get enough attention when he was young (youngest boy of 7 with a younger sister), so he's transferring all of that over to me. Maybe that's your husband's situation also.

Does your husband have hobbies? Maybe he needs to do something with his time so that he's not so demanding of you.

I wish I could give you good advice, but with this type of person, no matter what you do for him, he will always complain that you don't do enough. They are insatiable. As long as you are putting him first (without losing yourself) and truly loving him, there's nothing more that you can do. It's up to him.

If he's going to act like a child, then treat him like one. Give him positive reinforcement and attention for good behavior and when he's acting up, give him time to cool off and then discuss it like adults when he's done throwing his tantrum. :D

Seriously, this can work for adults too. Think about it, when he's acting the way he has been, it just garners attention from you enough to pacify him but it's really not the attention he's desiring so it's not fulfilling for him and you begin to resent him. On the other hand, if he were to give you what you desire, which for most women I know is compliments and help with the kids and the house, then aren't you more likely give in return? Just remind him that givers are given.

Wow, this has got to be super stressful for you! For sure you guys would benefit from good couples therapy. He also sounds like a big baby and would needs to go to personal therapy himself.

Hello K.,

First of all, I want to say how sorry I am for your situation. It must be very difficult for you. Husbands can feel jealous of the kids sometimes, but he also needs to understand how difficult it is for YOU trying to be a good mother AND wife. He needs to understand that you are doing your best and that life will get better as the girls get older. It is definitely not good for the kids to be hearing the yelling. If the yelling does not stop, you may consider getting some marital counseling to help. He should be able to talk calmly with you about the way he feels. You also should be able to spend a lot of time with your mom while she is here for such a short time. He needs to have some respect for you and the yelling has to stop. Hang in there and think about counseling if it continues. I am sure you are doing the best job you can and he needs to put himself in your position.

Hope this helps!
K.

Maybe there is something else that is bothering him?
Have you both sat down and talked about it... in a diplomatic way? Just see what he says...

Often, once kids come into the picture... some Men have a hard time adjusting to that... although yes, your children are 3 & 5 years old by now. Is he an involved Dad? Does he seem to "resent" the children? Is he able to go and do his "own" things to... or hang out with friends, or have his own "hobbies" and activities? Maybe... does he have his own life... or expect "you" to fulfill any lack in himself?

Men have to "release" too... from daily things. Sex, and relations with their wife is the primary way. But it seems you just went out together and you do have sex and YET he still complains about how you don't give him attention. So.. maybe he is not getting something that he needs.. and just does not know how to explain it???

Maybe in a house full of "girls" he feels lonely? He's the "only guy" on the house. Plus, you say in your profile, that you both have no family in the States... .but your Mother comes to visit. Maybe he resents that... that HE doesn't have any close ties??? My Hubby does not have any family in this country either.. just my family. And in the beginning, it made him feel "cut off" from his own family... and he would get frustrated at that. But, he knew that it was not "our" problem... he just had to adjust to the fact that his family does not visit him... and it's sad. But he did not vent about it in the way your husband does.

Or, maybe does he feel "hen pecked?" Is he ever the "head" of the household? Men are sensitive to this as well. If they feel they do NOT have a grip over their own home or family... they don't feel like a "man." Sometimes, men always are brushed aside...or in the outskirts of the "family" and not in the center of the activities and the attentions are always on the kids and what the "wife" is doing. Thus, they feel like a second-fiddle to everything. PERHAPS your husband feels this way. Men are basically "alpha dogs"... they like to feel they are the "head" of the pack. Men like to be "leaders." Nothing wrong with that either. Women are so capable of multi-tasking and handling and controlling everything nowadays in the families... that it causes some men to feel "invisible." MAYBE this is a factor with your Hubby. -Once, a guy friend of mine observed..."I don't know why some girls get married... they do everything...the woman things, the Man things, the children, the house, everything in the family...they control everything and don't let a man be a man...." (I'm not saying this is you... but some MEN actually feel this way....). Maybe your husband has some issues to work out...?

I don't think it's just about sex, sex, sex... there must be another problem that is irking him. But he, as you say, has "outrages".... so this is an "anger" problem too.

It's best to talk about it together.. or go to counseling. But I certainly hope this does not affect him in how he is as a Dad....

All the best,
~Susan

Sounds like my first husband. Something else is going on with your man. He is not acting reasonably. And that makes family life difficult, doesn't it? You didn't say how old he is, or if this behavior is truly a surprise to you. You were together for several years before the kids came along. Did he get mad about things easily before the kids came along? Did he always have a quick temper? Yelling at you and raging at you is 100% unacceptable, and you cannot put up with it or it will only get worse. You cannot allow him to treat you that way, ever. Does he spend a good deal of time with the kids? Is he a good dad? Has your sexual activity drastically declined since the kids were born? Regardless, you are a family now and things change. Your husband is not acting in a mature manner. If this is uncharacteristic, you need to find out why. If it is characteristic behavior, you need to ask yourself if you are willing to put up with it. I put up with it WAY too long, to the detriment of everyone in the household, especially my kids. Even if your husband does not have his "fits" around the kids, they will definitely pick up on the tension in the household and think it is their fault. I wish I had some tips for you, but I can only tell you what I wish I had done. I wish I had not put up with it for so long, because it only got worse over time. I wish I had called him on it, told him it was unacceptable behavior. Because it absolutely was, and it just escalated. The sex thing, too, escalated right out of our marriage. I minimized his bad behavior for way too long. I was in my 20s... stupid... thinking that the family needed to be preserved for the good of the kids. So untrue! I wish I had left sooner for the sake of my kids, instead of staying and thinking I was staying for the good of my kids. I truly believe that if I had cracked the whip way back when and let my husband know that he needed to snap out of selfish mode, and I'd made sure he knew I meant it, he would have straightened up. Instead I let it go, exposed my kids (and me!) to his bad behavior, and we ended up getting divorced at the worst possible time for my kids, the middle school years. Good luck, K.. I hope it works out for you.

Dear K.,

Um hum well there you are in this delimma. I hope I spelled that right. For one thing, my husband is 82 and cannot get an erection and still he keeps trying. I guess they are hard wired to the sex, sex, sex so that the world can have lots of babies for us to take care of. I think that he really would like to have some quiet moments with you, not sexual, but just a touch, like I take my husband his coffee and give him a kiss or tell him he looks handsome this a.m., stuff like that. They just need lots of reassurances that they are Number One. Some men are more demanding than others. You can tell when he may be in a yelling mood, and then you can short circuit it by giving a bit more tiny moments. Of course there is counseling, but you know that would be like pulling hen's teeth. Talking to him about your being tired of it will do no good at all, so forget that. Cook him a special cake or supper that he likes a lot often. I struggled with this problem all of my life and still do not have the answer. Tell people in his presence that he can do something very well. You get the drift. If my husband is 82, then you know that I am no spring chicken either. It goes on and on.
C. N.

Tell your husband to grow up, or get out, maybe you are spending less time with him, its a chore now to sleep with him. He has two hands men long ago learned how to use them... if your not availble, remind him to let his hands do the walking...

Anytime someone has to have a temper tantrum to express themselves, there is a problem. Yes, he may be acting rather immaturely to want all of your attention, but not being able to express it without losing control is a bigger problem. Of course you feel pushed away from him as that type of behavior causes division. I would ask him to go to marriage counseling with me, and if he refuses, go alone. You will need to learn how to cope with this behavior even if he isnt interested in improving your relationship.

I agree that "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger would be helpful to you and help your relationship. Some men need more attention and react when they don't get it. Sorry you had to have him get so upset when your Mom was visiting. Do get Dr. Laura's book.
H.

Tell him to quit being such a baby, time to put on "big boy," pants and behave like a grown up. I have little to no patience with whiny men, so perhaps I am not the best person to respond. My ex was the same way and after 13 years I told him I was done being his mama, attending to his needs and so fourth. He would complain about the attention he was getting, and if I heard him say "what about me," one more time..........Anyway, I hope things work out for you, good luck.

Get a book called "Love and Respect"

Apply it to your life. Men need respect and women need love. This is a truth and if you can perservere and respect him he will love you.

In many ways I think it is 'normal'. I know my husband sees me interacting with my son or others and wants that same 'me'. Some times he does get the low energy/tired me. Well, I know it used to be like that. Our son is 4 and I am becoming more aware of my energy towards my husband and our relationship. Men it seems feel loved and emotionally supported through making love. My husnad has ahuge sex drive and its challenging to meet those needs. Does your husband have hobbies or close friends? Also sometimes if you are your husbands main support/friend/wife, it gets overwhelming trying to meet all his emotional and physical needs. Anyways, hope this helped.

Aloha and blessings, J.

I see you have a lot of responses but instead of lectures your situation may just be a spoiled husband. I know I have one. Inseprable from dating to marriage. Then had our 1st son and there I saw that he showed his "you are paying attention to the baby more than to me". And when there was down time I wanted time for me not to pamper him so it was a constant battle. We had no problems just him wanting me all to himself. Insecurity is what I call it. I don't think it' s a major problem- just a weakness where they (men) feel we should pamper them and feel that we need them 100%. I'm sure once your mom leaves he'll be back to his old self. Mine gets like that everytime my friends come to visit from out of state. SPOILED HUBBY. My fault from being 15, 16, 17 and 18 wanting to be with him 24/7.

K.,

You are getting a lot of "make nice" suggestions from people (men have their needs, don't put him on the back burner etc.) but the situation you are describing is not a normal situation for which there is a normal solution.

The clearest evidence for that, in your message, is your description of his impatience with you for spending time with your mother during her once-a-year visit.

Attention, affection, sex -- all of those are privileges, not rights, even within a marriage. You cannot treat your mate poorly and expect her to show you affection.

The key messages I see from you -- "tired of these outrages" -- "frustrated and fed up" -- tell me it's time, not just for your sake but for your daughters', who cannot help but feel the side effects of this environment, to get to a marriage counselor. An outside advisor who will observe the dynamics firsthand.

To get his needs met, your husband must focus on what he can GIVE in the home environment, not just what he can GET, and appreciate that the time you spend on your kids is in itself an expression of your love for him. When you're exhausted, he must help out with the kids and household enough that you have some energy left for yourself.

You'll then want to, if he's treating you lovingly, choose to share that energy with him.

Hi K.:
What i've learned in my many years of being married,is that when a man gets agitated,and begins ranting,and raving, What hes yelling about usually isn't what has truely upset him.For instance,My husband may begin yelling about how disorderly things are."NOTHING IS WHERE I LEFT IT" When what hes REALLY agitated about, is that he couldn't remember (WHERE HE PUT IT LAST!! After a two hour search of grumbing and cursing under his breath,he finds it,and remembers leaving it there.: ) Your husband,wasn't lacking for attention,as you both had spent two nice evenings together,your attentions only on him.Besides being nurturing mothers and wives,as women, we are also required to use our keen perception,to figure out,what the REAL root of the problem is.And we thought esp (Extrasensory perception) was rare! haa. We have to learn to read our kids,and its no different with our men.They don't feel comfortable with (change) They get into a daily routine,and feel comfy with that.Your husband,gets along well with your mother, and thats great,however, in his eyes, her very presence,changes his routine. It doesn't matter,if he does nothing but watch tv all day,to him,it changes things. It may be,that he normally would be more relaxed,walking around in his skivies,but of course with your mother present,he can't do that. He may want to watch sports, but he feels he can't because it would be rude to do that with your mom there.Women,aren't bothered so much by these trivial things,but men are a whole different story. If i were you,I'd get him alone, and very sweetly say "I know having company,changes your routine and it takes adapting to, but try to understand that I need this time with my mother and she has a need to see her Grandchildren.Please Try to be more patient,and make our time together with her a pleasant one. "She will be leaving for home soon,and everything will be back to normal" When she goes back home,try to plan something special with your husband.The next time your husband begins ranting about something as simple as feeling neglected,sit him down,and ask him " now....tell me what REALLY is troubling you? I wish you the very best K.. J.

Hi K., most husbands go through what you are describing, and it is normal, as moms we get so busy with the needs of our children, that sometimes we don't notice that our husbands have taken a back seat, I don't know what your religeous beliefs are, but in my world it's God first then husband, then children, now I didn't always do that, but for me I felt like my husband had his fishing and his marshal arts, and I had the kids, and you think everything is fine tell like you said they blow up out of no where feeling neglected. Since you have been married for 9 years and your girls are still young i'm going to asume you are young, so some nights after you put thegirls to bed, go to where he is and just start giving hime a shoulder message, just give himthe attention that he needs, about sex, most men are like that as well, my j=husband is 52 and I;m 51 and he is still like that about sex. As far as your mom goes, just try and give him a little more attention while she is there, in this area sweetie menare so much like children, takr it from someone who has been married for 27 years. J.

Wow I wish I had this advise a year ago, but I had to make things work myself. I had finally had enough of my hubby being a brute to me. I told him over and over that he was mean to me and all he could hear was (people thought he was mean), and his comeback was I'm not mean everyone loves me. I'm a good dad I work hard for this family. So one day I sat down and said, look I'm not happy I'm tiered of being the one who is blamed for everything, you yell at me for everything, even when your nice to me on the phone all day I think great tonight is going to be great, then you walk in the door and start yelling and blaming me for things I have no idea what your talking about, but it is all my fault that I have a bad attitude. I would look at the kids and say, We are all fine and having a great time until you came in the door. So It's not me it's you. Of course that only made things worse, he told me that if he couldn't take his day out on me then what good am I. I said, No, you can tell me about your day and I will listen, but you can not blame me for your bad day. It's not my fault. This helped a little but as I was saying It toke my son to walk in the room as I was talking to him, he turned to my son and said am I mean to you, my son said, no dad we are best buds, I said, when did I ever tell you you were mean to the kids or a bad father, I said you were mean to me. He asked my son, am I mean to your mom and my son said, yes all the time, you yell at her everyday and tell her she's mean when she wasn't. This really opened his eyes.

I think truth and talking is the best way to understand each other. Many of your responses talk about the book (proper care and feeding of husbands)by Laura S. I read this book, My hubby thinks she is great and gave me this book for christmas. So I read it. I toke this book serioulsy and tried doing the things it says but I never got back the ten fold part. Also this book told me my hubby didn't want to hear my problems unless I expected him to fix them. So I kept everything bottled up, because it also states that you shouldn't talk to your family about your marrage problems or your friends. The reason for this is your family will hold a grudge against him longer then you will. This is true and I have always know this. So I have never shared with them. But as for friends I started not telling them either, which is bad because if you can't tell your hubby and your family and your friends then who do you tell. No-one and it bottles up till you explode, this is not good either. So find a friend and let it out.

But remember your best friend is your spouse this is why you married him. Talk to him make him priority number one when he walks in the door, (look who's home it's daddy and run give him a hug and kiss) Ask him about his day, make the kids watch a movie or tv show for half an hour so you can hear about his day and be one on one. Really talk to him say, look hunny I'm trying to figure out how to give you the time you need and it would really help me if I knew what exactly you need from me. When you yell at me this is a turn off, so tell me you need time to be heard, time to cuddle, sex only, what is it that will help you feel better about us. You might be surprized, maybe he only want's to talk to you, then make sure you try to fit this in, then you can tell him your needs. Be honest about sex but do this either after you have had sex or when you are simply just talking. Say Look I understand you need sex all the time and I'm trying to give that to you but I don't always need to be taken care of. If I say peaches, then you know to take care of yourself, and not try to take care of me so much (meaning be fast please)and if I say roses, it means I'm into this and want to be taken care of too. My hubby said that saying hurry up hurt his feelings or saying I'm not in the mood was a turn off. So we use code words then he knows how I'm feeling with out being rude. Date nights are very important and be glad that he want's to spend time with you not someone else. Remember that your kids will grow up and move on with someone else and when that happens, you want to be with your best friend. So don't forget him now. Kids can play by themselfs or watch a tv show, just explain that you have been their for them all day and now it's daddies turn. After a couple of days they will be use to this and leave you alone. Best wishes to you. Please talk to him without the kids around and repeat things several times and make him repeat what he heard, because we all hear what we want to sometimes. Like (Hunny if you help me do the dishes we can go to bed yearlier and have a great time together) but he'll hear ( Hunny go to bed I'll hurry and do the dishes then take care of you all night). Most likely the 2 of you are just not hearing each other correctly so make sure you are understanding what the other is saying. Once you get past this issue you both put down your guards and talking becomes easier for both of you. Remember your not alone but you are wonderwoman, therefore rearange the schedule until you make it work. J. P.

Hi K., it's normal for men to feel a little left out. However, it's not ok for him to take it out on you that way. It also sounds like there might be something else bothering him. You probably need to have a long heart to heart. Having a family is so demanding and exhausting trying to give everyone love and attention. Many times we do forget about our husbands because we think they're grown up, our children need us more. Actually, they need us just as much. Sometimes we need to put our husbands and marriage first, otherwise there won't be one. It's not easy, but gotta try. Yes, all men think about is sex,sex, sex. And sometimes they also need something else. There is a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It is a Christian book, but it's awesome and helpful even if you're not a Christian. Everyone feels loved and needs to be loved differently. My husband, as for all men, wants it all the time and yes one of his love languages is physical touch (not just sexual), his other one is words of affirmation. His numbers were high for both. Mine too were high for physical touch and quality time. Your husband's Language of Love may be something other than just physical.
Just remember we all go through similar situations in our marriages. What's important is that you keep communicating and loving each other. Putting each other first makes family life better. Hopefully, anyway. Good luck. ;-)