Hello ladies,
I need some advice on this situation. My husband works for a union and was called back to work 3 hours away. He's gone M-Thurs. I also work full time and now I'm alone raising the kids (2 kids under 4 years old) at least 4 nights a week. We don't have the type of extended family that likes to babysit so I get very little support. Please understand that I am grateful that my husband has a job. However, he spends the evenings out acting like a bachelor with his coworkers. They are constantly going to bars/casinos/restaurants and he calls to tell me what a great time he's having. I feel like he's rubbing it in my face. The past few weeks I've asked him to cut back on going out, he gets extremely defensive and refuses, saying I need to trust him. I've even gone so far as to ask him to quit and come home, as we are very close to divorcing. He refuses. He could get another job here, but it won't pay as much and he doesn't want to do that. Am I being unreasonable? I am aware there are many strong women out there that are married to military that do this all the time. Yet I am not one of them. I always made it a point to not date a military man because I knew I was not the type that could handle it well. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks again for the replies - He does give me some time on the weekends. But after a couple of hours he starts asking where I'm at. He always tells me to get a babysitter during the week and go out and enjoy myself. I don't know if this makes sense but that kind of freaks me out. Does he not care if I spend all night at a bar? Or maybe it's one of those things I need to do and then he'll realize that maybe he's not so comfortable with it. BTW, I LOVE the suggestion of girls night out.
You are not being unreasonable at all. You need to sit down and talk to him when he is there. He needs to cut back on going out, he is spending the money he is earning for the family. If you feel that close to leaving him maybe hearing that will straighten him out. Good luck.
I say Friday night sounds like ladies night to me!
How incredibly immature on his part. I would suggest having a conversation with him this weekend about how his "nightly reports" make you feel... isolated, lonely, devalued... whatever the feelings are. More importantly, I would take a look at your finances. It's wonderful that he's working and making money, not so wonderful that he's spending it just as quickly! If you depersonalize it a little you may make more of an impact. Pull up your online accounts and take a look at where the $$ is going. Is he depositing the entire paycheck? If not, where is it?
It's not about trust- it's about respect. On a side note, I second the "ladies night" suggestion. Call some friends and a sitter. Go out, have fun and let him know that you'll call him sometime the next day and not to worry.
I would talk to him and focus more on how his behavior makes you feel and less on what he is actually doing - remind him that it's hard for you to hear about all the fun he's having when you don't get to get out at all. Then decide that one of the nights he is home is your night to go out - even if it just to have a coffee at Starbucks or browse at a bookstore.
On the other hand, from a economics standpoint, if he has the money to spend on a hotel room for 4 nights a week, gas driving back and forth, casino gambling and strip clubs, then maybe he can think about taking a lower-paying job closer to home that will have him at home every night.
Just remember - if you divorce, he will not be home at all. You will still be left on your own without him except for when he has visitation on weekends, most likely. He will still be free to do as he pleases when he does not have the kids. Do you want him to then get involved with someone else that then would be another influence on your kids? Do you want to deal with having to divide up birthdays and holidays and all that? Do you want to have to spend days and weekends apart from your kids while they are with their dad?
I understand it is frustrating, but I just don't see where divorce is the answer. He won't be with you and the kids at home anymore at all and it's the kids that will end up suffering. Better to try to work out your problems with a marriage counselor instead if you are having issues communicating.
Hmm, I went on travel for a week earlier this month and it killed me to be away from my husband (who drives me nuts sometimes) and my kids (who drive me nuts sometimes) for those 5 nights. I can't imagine setting up a new life 3 hours away. My husband works 2 hours away and drives daily. i work with people who work 3 hours away and drive daily. Why for 3 hours are you paying for a whole second household? And no, i do not think he should be telling you how amazing his single life is when you are being a single parent. I wouldn't deal with it for very long. A job is good, but only if it support your family. My husband was out of work for 5 months and it was terrible, i did not think we would survive it. But it was a blessing. He was miserable at work and it came home sometimes, now he loves his work, but dislikes the drive, but even then, he is home ealrier than when he worked 5 minutes away. He just has to leave at 430-445 versus getting up at 6 :). But no, your husband is wrong here.
My SO also works away. He leaves Sunday night back Tues morning, sleeps till about 2 gets up and does stuff with the kids till he has to leave again at 8pm, gone till thurs am then leaves at 345pm then home friday night at 9pm and 3rd weekend of every month he works a different job saterdays. He sleeps when he is home on tuesday and thursdays bc he dosn't when he is gone as he has 3 jobs. Anyway when he is home he is a devoted father and very good with the kids. He does the outside housework which is a lot as we have a lot of land, tractors, cars ect... But he dosn't go out without me even though I don't have a problem with it once in a while. If I were you I would hire a sitter and go out once or twice a week. You need to let him see what the shoe feels like on the other foot. Thats what I did. It wasn't always like this. When I was prego he was going out all of the time and partying it up w his friends, Well guess what I did after I had the baby, Started going out with friends a few times a week. He didn't like that to much. I didn't even have to say anything to him, I just started going out and he figured it out for himself. He has come far, is an awsome dad and very helpful. Like I said he dosn't go out either.
I think what your feeling is understandable, and that you should not feel shame for feeling this way. I think you need to have a chat with your husband at the very least, that you need some way for him to show some appreciation. Does he at least give you a big break on the weekends when he is home, I hope so?
My husband was working across the country for almost a year when our kids were those ages so was only home every other weekend. Your husband sitting in his hotel room would be nice from your standpoint yet doesn't really help you either. I'd let him go out but hire yourself a babysitter for some evenings. We had a nanny who stayed until about 7 or 8:00 to help me. And then when your husband gets home, you get to go out. If he's earning more money like this, then spend some of it on helping yourself so you're not so resentful. It may mean he has to skip one night out or something to save money. If he protests that, then I'd threaten to leave bc then it's just too selfish. But if he can compromise etc, then it should be workable.
