Fashion Choices of an Overweight Girl…

Are there kids picking on her? Or is this coming from Grandma who *thinks* kids will pick on her because Grandma doesn't agree with the outfit combinations that she is putting together.

I have a very creative, spirited 5y. There was a day last Nov. when she got herself dressed and wore a long sleeve shirt, shorts and princess cowgirl boots. One day she wore a tank top, jeans skort, and black velvet Christmas heels. More often then not she is a fashion statement waiting to happen. I have had to force myself at times to step back and say, if that is what she is comfortable wearing, and it is semi weather appropriate, and all the major areas are covered, then okay.

One way that you can help her is to buy her clothes that are comfortable, not too big, and not too small, that don't make her look sloppy. Help her by giving her a good base to work with.

The sock thing is in fashion. My youngest daughter started doing it 6 years ago. I love it. No more trying to find that lost sock that disappeared in the dryer.

My oldest daughter has the same issue. You can't just ignore it, but at the same time you need to be sensitive. I've taken her shopping for most of her clothes and I sensor the items that I pay for. Occassionally, I'll tell her straight out that it doesn't look good, other times I'll say something like "that's too expensive" or "you can only get one shirt today, I think we should get xx" or "why don't we shop some more and see what else we can find". On the other side, I try to focus on the positive, when something does look good, I compliement her.

Another part is just accepting that's the way she wants to look. To be honest my oldest rarely looks "put together", she's jeans and a t-shirt with a pony tail.

I am somewhat familiar with this - my daughters are both thin, but my older daughter is VERY tall for her age (she just turned 10, and is 5'2"). So, some things that her much smaller friends wear look fine on them, but would look silly on her. Every few months, we go through her closet and she tries on every single item of clothing. We do this together, and she models the items for me. In a non-judgmental way, I might say, "Oh, sweetie, I think it's time we pass this along to another girl. Do you see how the seam is pulling over here?" I'm not judging her body, I'm simply remarking upon the fit of the clothing. Or I might say, "Oh, it looks like you've grown a few inches; this skirt is shorter than they'd allow you to wear at school. Time to hand it down!"

Then, once the closet is bare, you go shopping for clothes that:
1) match each other
2) have the proper fit/sizing for the current size of the child

When we shop, I have her do the things she would typically be doing at school, such as sitting down, standing up with hands raised (such as writing on the white board during math class), that kind of thing. We talk about how some outfits are not really modest, and even though she's an adult 00, not all of those items are the right look for a girl of 10 years old.

Bottom line, it's necessary to teach girls how to choose clothing that is flattering to their body type, and age-appropriate. You can definitely do this in a matter-of-fact and non-judgmental way by discussing fit, cut, and garment structure. A plus-sized person will likely be more flattered by a more structured garment with an empire waist, than by something that is flowy and oversized, for instance. Or, if she's going to wear a tunic-style top, she should wear something more fitted on bottom to balance the proportions. I think you can do all of this without making her feel self-conscious. She will feel more empowered if she feels more pulled-together and aware of her fashion choices. Good luck!

I know where you're coming from and I agree with Catherine C.

There's a difference between dressing for self expression (mismatched socks which is a current trend) and not knowing what looks good on you.

I believe dressing to flatter your body shape is a skill! They even have a show called "What Not to Wear," and while the American version borders on mean, the British version was very informative.

I work with my daughter to help her learn what looks good on her. We shop together, and while I never criticize her body, I will help her choose clothing that looks good on her. She's getting to the point where she can see what looks good and what doesn't. For example, she wanted a long dress because that's what was in the stores. She looks terrible in long dresses! Now, if she was insisting on getting one, I wouldn't stand in her way, but I did have her try a few on and she liked the "feel" of them. Then I told her for fun we would try on some shorter dresses. She immediately saw the difference in how she looked (and I didn't have to say anything). She chose a shorter dress on her own.

There was one instance where she wanted one of those short, drapy sweater things. The one she liked was soft, but I thought it looked ridiculous on her. However, she begged for it so we got it in purple.

She wore it to cheer, and one of her friends looked at her and said "WHAT are you wearing? You look like a bunch of grapes!" Now, it was one of her good friends and her friend didn't say it in a snotty or mean way. And she DID resemble the big bunch of Fruit of the Loom grapes!

My daughter wasn't upset or crying about it, but I did notice she shoved the sweater in the back of her closet and she never wore it again. Later on I allowed her to cut it up to make American Girl bedding!

If something looks terrible on your daughter, it's worth gently saying something. It's a hard road we navigate as parents; knowing when to step in or back off. I know I would want to know if I looked terrible.

As a note, I do have my daughter help ME pick out clothing. I want her to know that all women can have trouble finding what looks good on them, that it's okay for her to say something to me if it looks bad, and that we just keep looking.

Good luck!

*Donna* I don't believe C. was asking for nurtritional advice regarding g her child's weight, she was referring to clothing and fashion. It's nice (judgemental in my opinion) that you thought to give her advice on what she should do as a parent and what integrity witholds. It's easy for those who have never experienced being heavy first hand or have a heavy child to judge and say its due to our poor choices as parents. Sometimes no matter what a parent or individual does to get fit or lower a child's weight it fails because of genetics. As to you C. I think just being honest in a loving way, never making her feel ugly and less than a thin child.Praise her when it's needed and always remind her that some people will always talk,criticize, and be mean just to be jerks or their own self insecurities but she should be proud of what she wears ( so long as she feels comfortable and she likes it).

I'm familiar with this to a certain degree but my daughter is younger, only 9 and in 3rd grade. I try to occasionally redirect her fashion choices but I've realized that my daughter has her own style sense and I would much rather she be who she is than be concerned with what I or anyone else thinks about her choice of clothing or hairstyles. The only time I may give my insight is if for instance she has to wear a different shirt because she got toothpaste on it.

This morning for instance my daughter said she didn't want to wear a certain outfit that yes I requested to wear(it's picture day for her at school)because a girl told her she looks stupid. I turned it around. I asked her what she thinks of her outfit and how she looks. She stated she looks good and her outfit looks cute on her. I told her that while yes it hurts that kids can be mean and sometimes it sucks to have kids be mean over something as silly as what you're wearing what is the most important thing is that she is comfortable with who she is. She said that she loves herself and thinks she's cute.

I told her that sometimes kids tease or are mean because they are insecure but that doesn't mean that she should take it personally. She knows how she looks in her own mind, how she feels about herself and that having self confidence is the best thing of all. She is proud to be who she is; a semi-chunky, around the middle, girl who does things and wears things she wants to because she is happy with who she is.

I say support your daughter in her choices and give her direction if things are not appropriate in your opinion. On a side note my daughter wears bright neon colored mismatched socks daily. I believe that is trendy or at least it appears to be.

She may be doing this to deflect attention from her size and toward her crazy socks. I think, if her rear end is covered and her belly is covered and not hanging out, and there's no cleavage involved (okay, I know at 4th grade there's not too much there!), you can let it go. You're right that girls get so much pressure at an early age to wear brand name items and shop at Abercombie & Fitch (or whatever the fad of the week is), you should leave it alone and not participate in it. If she gets teased, she'll have to figure out if these are kids whose opinions matter to her or not. That's part of life. If by "sloppy" you mean comfortable like sweats, leave it. If you mean ripped and falling apart, then step in - she needs to be able to move and not have things falling off her. And her clothes should be safe for running around in gym or on the playground - no pants sliding down over her butt or so low that she trips over them, that sort of thing. I don't think 4th graders need to be thinking about being "put together" - I understand that moms want to protect kids from teasing but sometimes we make it worse by getting them to buy into those "standards". Maybe you can gently say that certain things shouldn't be worn on gym days due to safety, and see if she stops wearing them to school entirely. It's annoying to walk around all day pulling up your pants, so maybe raise the issue as one of convenience rather than style. See how she reacts. If she's doing it on purpose, as I said, to deflect attention or to just be more outrageous and say "I know I'm heavier than you and I don't care to hide it" then it might be a positive thing for her, standing up to convention. If she comes home with really hurt feelings, then you can advise her to switch.

Good for you for thinking hard about her self-esteem and unnecessary peer pressure!

If she were thin would to say something?

No matter what it is your duty as a parent to discuss appropriate attire, how to dress and TEACH her what looks flattering on her body and how she should/should not dress for school.

I find it sad that what I am reading is that you would consider using her weight struggles to avoid this issue. I was/am overweight as a child and into my adult hood - but MY mother ALWAYS tought me how to dress and look appropriate for the occasion.

PS the sock thing is "in fashion" my neice does this - and she is otherwise VERY stylish - it used to make us all roll our eyes then we all began to buy her the worst socks we could for her birthday/christmas etc. It has become a family competition to find her the worst socks - yes she wears them all.

Generally speaking girls will "conform" to avoid being picked on, so I assume she is NOT being teased for her clothing choices (most 4th graders don't really notice these things yet anyway.)
My oldest daughter dressed like a slob until 8th grade and it drove me crazy! Baggy shorts, big sweatshirts, etc. I didn't want to make it into a battle so I just bit my tongue. She had lots of well dressed friends that never teased her (as far as I know) and now that she's in high school she dresses much better, though nothing fancy, just your basic jeans and tees, and vans or converse.
My younger daughter has ALWAYS been very well put together, she has a natural sense of style that I find very mature and impressive. But she is very different from her sister, in many ways that have nothing to do with clothing.
So I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. You can always guide her if she asks for help in picking out clothes, but in my experience most daughters don't appreciate unsolicited fashion advice from their mothers (or grandmothers) no matter how well intended the advice may be :)

If she is being teased, she could be trying to hide and not draw attention to herself by wearing less put together things. As a larger woman I know how hard it can be to see the trendy fashions and know for sure they would never come in my size, so why bother?

Then again not everyone is a fashionista. I know I'm not. Jeans and a top, I'm happy if they're clean.

My daughter has some challenges also when it comes to body type and clothes. She's very curvy in the hips (think Jennifer Lopez) and in the past it was sheer torture to find clothes that fit her well because she's not petite and we've had some real battles about finding clothes and what is a good fit for her body. She had to learn that what the size 0 girls wear will not look the same on her. Not that we haven't found some really cute outfits, but she's made some choices that were not flattering and I did tell her, but in a nice way. Things have gotten much better, but every so often she will "relapse" and want to buy or wear something that just looks awful on her. She's now 14 and sometimes I let it go,mad long as its not inappropriate. I figure her peers will tell her, which sometimes carries more weight (when it comes to fashion) than what mom will say. This is a sensitive topic for me as well because I'm smaller than my daughter. She takes after her dad, but has learned to embrace her curves. I just do my best to encourage better eating habits, exercise and good clothes selection choices. But every so often I let her go out looking a mess. LOL. Now that I look back, I know I had several scary outfits at her age that for sure I knew I looked good in. NOT!!!!! Sometimes you've got to just let her wear it.

Hi, C.:

You need to pla wtth her good eating habits and exercises to help me
get down to her weight for her height.
You aren't doing her any favor by ignoring her challenges.
Integrity is when you do the right thing when everyone else ignores
the issue.
Good luck
D.

I would take her shopping and encourage her to buy things that she likes and can be worn together and that fit her well.

BUT my perspective is also from seeing my "beat of a different drummer" SD off to college. My SD wore mix matched all the time - she and her goofy friends wore all kinds of things together, like mix matched knee socks with petiskirts and Chucks - no, not everybody "got" it but it didn't bother SD. If your DD has friends and she's overall happy and she doesn't care about the socks then is it really a problem? I look at it as letting them be kids vs worrying at too young an age what is "fashionable". Some kids just don't care.

I'd make sure she wears things that are clean and respectable and appropriate for the weather. But then sit back and let her choose.

You help her by building up who SHE is so that she can take the slings and arrows, whatever the subject. She will either change to be more mainstream or maybe she won't. It's only a problem if it's a problem for *her*.

you should be thankful that your daughter, overweight though she may be, has the self confidence to decide what SHE wants to wear rather then expecting you to take you loans to buy her " the latest clothes", so what if the other girls in her class "seem more put together" its their parents that are going into dept to keep up with the latest fashion trends, not you. take the money that you otherwise be spending on expensive clothes for your daughter and do something else with that money.as long as the clothes the child wears isnt too short , revealing or (egads) see through, let her wear what she wants
K. h.

Diane, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were a friend of mine I used to work with!! Her thing was always "No 3 B's!" which were "boobs, belly, and butt." As long as none of those were showing (or in danger of showing) she was okay with it!

You could try to talk to her to get some feedback on if the other kids are saying anything about her clothes? Maybe she is confident enough in her selections that even if they DID say something it wouldn't bother her.

Take her shopping! It will be a fun event for you both, and gives you an opportunity to gently talk about what kinds of clothes go well together and look especially nice on her. Maybe it will also get her to open up about how she feels about her clothes and friends at school etc.

I was slightly overweight at that age and it only got harder as I grew older. Anyone who has gone through school being overweight knows that there is a hard road in front of her socially and emotionally. True that we are all subject to our genetics and not everyone will be thin, and that is OK. But do what you can to help her get to a healthy weight now and you will be saving her a lifetime of heartache. I would not even talk to her about it as though its a diet or that you are focusing on her weight as that will just call attention and get her self consious about herself. Rather, just try to get her as active as possible (sports, daily walks or bike rides with mom or dad, etc) and make sure the whole family is eating as healthy as possible. Dont make it about her or anyone's weight, just make it about the whole family being active and healthy together. I hope you are not offended in anyway by what I am saying because I have the best of intentions and I realize I dont know all the specifics of your lives, etc. I am simply saying that I grew up as an overweight girl and it made my life so much more difficult in dozens of ways. I will do anything I can to prevent my kids from having to go through what I did and what I have seen so many other wonderful kids go through.

I agree with some of the previous posters who said that she might be wearing sloppy clothes to "hide" herself. How is her self esteem? And how is yours? I only ask this because if you are also overweight and tend to not pay attention to how you dress, your daughter might be modeling after you.

My 6 year old daughter wears some bizarre clothing combinations, but I pretty much let it go as long as it is not picture day or a special occasion.

I see that you live in Vienna, Virginia. Lots of rich kids there. (My sister and her family live there.) I'll bet the peer pressure can be pretty bad all around. Continue to be supportive of your daughter and tell her to be proud of who she is. Her clothes are a reflection of how she feels about herself. Chances are if she is feeling good about things, she will want her appearance to follow suit.

Two ideas:

1) pickup some fashion magizines and look through them with her. I know the models will all be thin but let her choose outfits that she likes.

2) do you know a stylish teen who can help her see what is stylish right now?

Then take her shopping, maybe take pictures of the styles she likes and styles you like along. Help her to see that even though she may like a certain style on the model in the picture it may not look good on her. It may showcase her wider waist or chubby thighs. Show her that if she watches her diet and is more careful with her food choices she will thin down and she will be able to wear the styles she likes.

At this point you do have total authority.....you are purchasing her clothes, washing her clothes, putting them in her room, etc....you have the ability to "lose" items and add some new ones. You can always say you don't know what happened to it.

She will use what she has and not know what you've done. If I find something my granddaughter is wearing doesn't fit with my ideals of outside the house clothing it finds it's way into one of several options. It goes in the play clothes only drawer (items that are stained, have some holes, items that have no business being worn out of the house), into the give away box, or they get put in storage for next year same season.

I go through all the clothes in the house twice per year minimum and sort out stuff to manage the amount of items the kids and I have to deal with.

For instance, right now I am sorting out tank/style tops, shorts, swim suits, flip flops, sandals, etc...out of her room and into different tubs. The clothes she might be able to still wear in the spring are in one tub, the ones she can't wear next year are in the tub to go to her younger sister. I have clothes that are too big too, they are also in tubs but not anywhere she can access them until they are ready to fit. This makes her space more manageable.

Later this month as it cools down more I will take out all the short sleeved garments, capri's, etc...anything that she won't be needing for fall and winter. Then when it starts warming up around March or April I'll start the same thing over.

Doing laundry and sorting like this keeps the clothes rotated, easier for her to manage, makes it easier for me to manipulate her clothes if she has items I find questionable, etc...I am in charge of her clothing, she just doesn't know it....

Unfortunately, peer pressure and feedback will probably be the strongest factors in her re-examining her fashion choices. And unfortunately, it'll be the most uncomfortable experience.

My daughter was notorious for poor fashion choices. Still is some days. I've had to step in a time or two, but only in dire situations (like athletic socks with black heels. yup. seriously.) She's also aspergers so she can't generally 'read' reactions in the form of facial expressions - someone has to be outright rude for her to 'get it.'

Regardless of if your child is big, small, or average size, stepping in can be a difficult thing to do. I only, only ever do it if i KNOW it's going to be a huge issue. Again, the socks.

I've been able to combat a lot of the issues by limiting her wardrobe selections. I try to steer her to only buying clothes in a limited color and style range, so the end result is pretty much everything matches. Last year her favorite colors were pink and brown - so we bought everything in those ranges. She could mix and match away without issue. We do a lot of her shopping at yard sales, and we were still able to stick with the color schemes and get nice clothing for little money.

Around here, girls don't start getting catty about the way others dress until the 6th grade usually. So you still have some time!

mismatched colors, odd socks, and all of that is in style. When you were a kid did your parents "get" your style? Leave her alone and let he be who she wants to be.