Family Death and the Three Year Old

Ooh...so sorry. My cousin's 23 yo child committed suicide and I still did not tell my girls how he specifically died and they were 7 and 11 at the time. I think a 3.5 year old is way too young to understand the concept of suicide. Most likely she will not even remember what you told her, only that he died. Both my grandfather's died when my kids were young and they have never ask me how they died. I think they just assumed it was because they were old. Take care. This is such a difficult thing to deal with.

I am so sorry about the terrible loss in your family.

It sounds like you have done a good job with your daughter. She is only 3, so just telling her, granddad died is enough. You may want to get some children's books on death. There are lot of really good ones out there.

I do not think I would share the suicide part till later when she is older and maybe understands what that means.. Or hears about a suicide. I think the first time I ever heard about suicide was when I was in 4th grade.. so that was about 9 years old.

I had questions and of course asked my mom..

Again I am very sorry.

I have not been in your shoes with figuring out how to tell a child it was suicide. But I think I would wait with that. She isn't going to know what suicide is for a while, so even if she over hears, odds are she'll have no idea. I think I would wait until my child was a bit older and then tell her. But...then again, maybe I'm totally wrong. I wonder if there is anything online where psychologists suggest what to do.

I'm so sorry your family is going through this!

She's three. She probably doesn't completely understand what him being dead means. My son was three when my mother died, and he "got it" but not completely for awhile. He was just grasping that "dead" meant you never got up again and that if it was a person, you never saw them again or could talk to them again. He kept asking if she was coming back in a few weeks. Because she died of a brain tumor, I explained to him eventually (but not right away -he actually asked me why she died) that she had something kind of like a rock growing in her brain and that no one knew why, but that her brain couldn't work and her body couldn't stay alive with it there. By the time he asked, he got it, but if she had killed herself, I probably still wouldn't have shared that with him, and he's five now. Eventually, yes, but very young children have a hard enough time comprehending death without trying to figure out why someone would cause their own. Suicide is often extremely hard for adults to understand. Just stick with the fact that he died. If she requires more, tell her that he felt very very bad and his body quit working. At some point, when she's much older, you can let her know he killed himself.

In my opinion, it's a little young to establish the concepts of suicide and I don't think that she'd be upset that you didn't tell her when she was 3 that her Grandpa killed himself. I mean, when she's 6 and asks what happened, if you think she is ready, tell her. I guess it's a personal choice, but I don't think you'd do anything wrong if you didn't tell her the actual cause of death until she was old enough to understand it. I have never been in your shoes though, so it's a hard one to give too sound advice to. Whatever you choose Good Luck and I'm sorry for your loss. :-)

Wow. I'm so sorry for you all, this must be absolutely devastating, confusing and hurtful. To be honest, I don't know what I'd do. It's very normal for your daughter to be treating his death so matter of factly, that's how their mind operates right now. My husbands grandmother (whom we were very close to) died a few months ago and my daughter (4 next week) still talks about her in a loving way and it's really nice. I am just not so sure you want to tell her about him killing himself. I get that you want it out there so she doesn't find out in 10 years and get pissed that no one told her, but that's a whole other ball of wax. If you really feel like you want to tell her something you can always go very basic and say that Grandpa was really sad and unhappy here on Earth and he sent himself to Heaven (if you believe that). I doubt she'll ask a ton of questions but she might ask some and you'll have to be prepared with answers, which is not something you might want to tell a 3 y/o. I guess my advice is turning out to be sort of crappy, huh?! I'm at a loss but I hope that your family finds peace with this.

I think if you tell a small child someone killed them self that it gives that child time to ponder it for years and decide it's okay to maybe do.
I'd totally hold off on talking about suicide as long as you can and keep it as an accident. Suicide is an accident, just a final one, no different than a car accident. But little ones or even teens should NOT hear the details.... it changes them, seriously.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I think you handled it perfectly! Kudos to you. To answer your question...Grandpa died. That is all she needs to know at this point.

When things settle down, I would find a support group for survivors of suicide for all involved. In the meantime think about starting a special memory box for her. Decorate the box, include drawings, special artifacts, photos etc. Add to it as appropriate.

Also, be sure to talk with her teacher if she is in preschool.

I do have some book suggestions but they are for older children. One that MIGHT be appropriate is "Lifetimes" by Bryan Mellonie. This is a classic book used with children to explain death. I addresses it from the point of view of nature and seasons...things have a natural season of life. This isn't a perfect fit due to the manner of death. Another book that I really like is "When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death" by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown (the author/illustrator of the cartoon Arthur). This is a cartoon book. Even if you don't read it to her, it will give you a very nice direction on how to talk to her. It talks about what dead means, various customs surrounding religious ceremonies, typical emotional reactions, ways to remember someone. I recommend it highly. I used it with my children, albeit older than your dtr, when their beloved Papa died of cancer.

Hugs to you and your family.

This is definitely a circumstance where you should answer her questions. If she's not asking questions, she doesn't need more information. When she needs more, she will ask. Answer her honestly, but ONLY answer the question, don't give her more information than she asked for. For the moment, focus on the "Grandpa died and we're all very, very sad and we miss him a lot" part of the equation.

Warm thoughts to you and your family.

Sorry for your loss...as for your answer to your daughter, it was just what she needed right now. As she gets older answer her questions. When the time is right, she'll ask HOW he died and at that time you'll know that she's ready for the whole truth. Always be honest and answer just the questions that she asks...that's the information that she needs at that time.

Without reading the other answers does anyone actually tell people how someone died. I know there is some circumstances but mostly you just don't. Sometimes people ask and you tell them but otherwise they just died.

She hasn't asked, it just isn't important right now to her. My grandpa died when I was two. I didn't ask anything about it until I was ten. He died of cancer, okay, carry on.

Why does she need to know when she cannot understand the concept to begin with.

I'm very sorry for your loss. To be a family member of someone who committed suicide is very hard - there are a lot of questions, confusion and guilt for the remaining family members. My cousin committed suicide a little over a year ago and it is still very difficult. My son was 5 1/2 at the time and we told him that his cousin was sick (he battled depression for years) and he thought it would be better for the family if he was in heaven. Obviously we didn't give him specifics. While my son didn't totally understand, we wanted him to know up front as we live in a small town and we were concerned of what he would hear from others. It was also brought up at the funeral that my cousin committed suicide. Depending on your situation, you might want to be upfront when your daughter is old enough to understand better as kids pick up on situations better than what you would think. Granted, at 3 1/2 I think you are right in just telling her the basics but at some point you will need to tell her the whole story. It's better to hear it from you and have you explain it than someone else.

On a side note, be prepared for others to say things like "that is a very selfish act", etc. While I am not a super religious person, our priest described it best - when someone commits suicide they are so confused mentally that in their mind they think that the world would be a better place without them in it - what they are really doing is trying to make everything better. In their mind, they are helping, not being selfish.

I hope this helps, your family has a long journey ahead.

I am very sorry for your loss.

My daughter is the same age as yours. We had a very close family friend in his 20's (who my daughter adored) commit suicide recently. It is difficult for everyone to understand. Adults have a hard time with it... so I would never expect a child to be able to grasp it.

DO NOT tell your child grandpa committed suicide. A child does not have the tools to deal with that. They may also think somehow it was their fault that grandpa did it.

You have told her enough. If she asks questions, answer them with just enough information and focus more on how much Grandpa loves her and how much he will be missed.

I agree with the majority that I would hold off on telling her about the suicide. She is too young to grasp the concept.

I'd hold off on the details until she is old enough to handle , and comprehend it. It's too complex for a child to grasp and understand. I think she will understand why you didn't tell her when she was very young. No child should know or understand suicide at that young of an age. Children are only innocent from all of the frightening things of this world for a short time. Best not to disturb it for as long as possible.