Ex Husbands Soon to Be Wife

My ex got remarried when my son was about 6. As a divorced mom about to get remarried in May to a great guy and stepdad, I agree with Deanna- you don't have to LIKE her- you just have to be polite to her in front of your daughter. I can see where the age difference would be a particular annoyance, lol. I am also sure that the Victoria's Secret and makeup, etc. are her attempts to be the 'fun' stepmom.

When my ex first got married to his current wife, every time she saw our son she would hug him and swing him around in the air and just generally 'overdo' it to such an extent that my then-boyfriend-now-finace and I would get back to our car and then burst out laughing because it was so ridiculous!

But I did realize that she was anxious for my son to like her and be comfortable with her and to 'establish' herself in front of other people as having a legitimate place in his life. She does- stepmom- but I am absolutely the final authority and have primary physical custody. So she sees him about 2 weekends out of the month. We do not always agree by any means ( mostly, I suspect because my ex pulls the wool over her eyes about things like he used to do to me, but cest la vie) but here is how I handle things:

1) Call her up and ask to meet her for coffee. A Starbucks or neutral territory, but someplace you can sit and talk uninterrupted. Meet with her on her own- no ex husband there. This is something honestly that you and she have to work out and he will only muddy the waters.

2)You don't have to like her, but try to see from her perspective to help you. She is younger, new baby, probably a little more insecure than you are. However, she also married a man who already had a child and committed to being a stepmom, so that says something good about her, even if she didn't really know at the time what that would entail.

Try to find things that you can agree on or feel good about talking to her about. For example, your daughter's school, or any other 'common ground' with your daughter, ballet lessons, soccer, etc. Chat about these things a little before you get into the big stuff.

2)Remember that she probably also has your daughter's best interests at heart. That said, I would just be honest and say " I wanted to talk to you because you are an important part of Susie's life, but I feel like we don't really get to communicate very often. I'd really like to feel like we are both on the same page about some things because the most important thing for both of us is that Susie is happy and safe and comfortable." She can't really disagree to that, right?

Start with things you know you both 'agree' about - like your daughter's bedtime, activities, etc. Then work up to things you don't agree with, but be careful how you bring them up- polite is the key thing here.

I would say something like " I know you meant for those Victoria's Secret underwear to be a fun gift, but I just don't really feel comfortable with her wearing them at her age. I wanted to talk to you about it because I didn't want you to feel like I was ignoring the situation, but I'm just not ready for her to be wearing things like that or playing with makeup for a few more years. I hope you can understand that."

Now- this is where a lot depends on her meeting you halfway. If she is reasonable, even if she disagrees with you, she will back down and agree with you and say that they were just playing, but she sees where you are coming from. If she goes on the warpath and gets defensive, all you can do is say " I am not trying to be critical of you at all. Parenting is really hard and sometimes we all make different choices, but this is really how I feel about my daughter and I'm just asking you to respect and understand that."

If she continues to be belligerent, well at least you tried. But remember- start with common ground, try to find things you can agree on, things that you both love about your little girl and go from there. When my ex moved in with his now-wife into her condo, I asked her to meet me for coffee. I was slightly acquainted with her, but didn't really know her. I told her I just wanted to know what my son should expect at her house- what rules she had, would he have his own room, things like that, so that the transition would go as smoothly as possible for HIM, when he was staying there.

Turned out she was the child of a very bad divorce,. she said that she thought my son was a really happy, well-adjusted kid and just wanted to help make sure things stayed that way. We are not friends- but even when we disagree, we have never yelled or fought in front of my son- not my ex, her, me or my fiance. We are all at least polite and can do school events, soccer matches, etc. together and present a united front of support for our son. Keep stressing to yourself - and to your ex and his wife- that THAT is your main motivation- your daughter's happiness and emotional security.

When we separated our mediator told me something that has ALWAYS stayed with me. She said:

"Your marriage has failed. There is no way around that. But- that does NOT mean that you have to fail as PARENTS. It is a totally separate issue and you need to look at it as such."

That advice has been so helpful over the years when my ex has been a jerk, lol. I still know he is my son's dad- and even though he isn't always the best or perfect dad, I try to remember that our son loves him. Same with his wife- it is sort of like she is an aunt that my son really likes and hangs out with. But I am always 'mom'.

Best of luck to you- please feel free to message me if I can help you out at all!!

Hi L.,

Well I thought I may give you some thought from the "other side" :).. Your story seemed very similar to my life .. I'm a Step Mother to awesome 7 year old boy- Anthony. I've been with my husband for 4 years now so I met Anthony when he was about 3. Anthony was a hand full when I first met him, he didn't have rules or any manners at all! I didn't have kids then (now we have a 7 month old).. so it was hard to deal with. Anthony's Mom is a year older then I am. I was 22 when I met Anthony and my husband. My husband is 8 1/2 years older then I am, so there is an age difference there as well.

Anthony's Mom and I are complete opposite. In everything we do, parenting, clothes we wear, religion, everything.. we have the most important thing in common- Anthony. We don't agree on much except that we want Anthony happy and to know he is SOOO loved. We have never had an argument, we have never bad talked each other or put Anthony in the middle of our disagreements. I stay out of it. Anthony has 2 parents- my husband and Anthony's Mom. I am the extra/bonus! :) My husband knows how to talk to Anthony’s Mom in a way that she doesn't get pushed out of shape or think he is questioning her parenting he has patience I don't think I could. She makes choices for Anthony that we don't like, (like piercing his ears at 4), By 3 months later the earring were out, because neither of them were responsible enough to clean them regularly. I understand now as a Mom more then I did back then when I met Anthony besides 4 years ago seems like a long time.

I know she wants things her way, and with another parent there is sharing. She has made it clear she doesn't want him to call me Mom, and I’m really ok with that. I have such a good relationship with my Mom I know there is only ONE Mom, and I understand where she is coming from. I can't say we are friends or we hang out with each other because we aren't that close. We don't do joint Birthdays or Holidays. We each have our own, but for school plays we do things together. When Anthony was 5 he wanted his Mom and Dad to do something together, my husband said he would be more then happy to but asked Anthony if Anthony's Moms boyfriend and I might feel left out. Anthony said he wanted us to come as well. We did something together, I cant say it was my most favorite Saturday but Anthony was happy. Anthony talks to me, tells me things he thinks his parents wont understand or advice. I am strict, and I have rules and he knows he can't mess around but he doesn’t mind. He makes 2 mothers day gifts (which his Mom is ok with). We do nice things for each other like print out double pictures of Anthony and buy each other cards from Anthony on Mothers day, birthdays etc.

Its not easy, and I don't think we'd be "bffs' after Anthony is grown up, but I figure why argue over the things we cannot control about the other its not forever that we have to deal with the other parent so just put on your smiley face and remember you’re the Mom and she is the youngster! I know what you mean about the panties and make up (in my case it would be the other way around- Anthony's Mom would be the one to do this kind of stuff not me!) I'd talk to your ex about it. No reason to get her involved and start a feud because at the end of the day you guys are the parents! We sort of have a rule, what happens at Moms doesn't mean its ok to happen here at Dads. He has different rules because we cannot change what she allows him to do but every weekend when he comes to our house and holidays/school breaks he has different rules here. Anthony’s Mom & Anthony have asked to have my baby stay the night with them one weekend when he is much older. My first reaction is HELL NO! but I thought a little more, she trust me with the most important thing in her life I should do the same. Even though her parenting is different I know we both make sure Anthony is taken care of and is never in harms way. SO, with that being said remember to chose your battles and your daughter will respect you for it. Anthony’s Mom and us have a pretty good relationship, with my husbands other Sons Mom it’s a complete different story! Anthony see’s the difference at 7 years old, so im sure your daughter would see it as well :D

Good luck Mommy!

As a stepmom myself, I commend you for trying to get along with your exhusband and his soon to be wife. I think first you need to try to repair your the relationship with your exhusband, in order for you both to be better parents to your child. Then you can work on creating a relationship with his wife. My husband and his exwife decided from the beginning that they were going to get along for the sake of their daughter. And as the other women in his had a little bit of a hard time as to how close they were. But I understand why and I support that relationship. She has since remarried and we all get together and spend time with each other for the child. Anyway that you can find to have this type of relationship with your exhusband and his wife can only benefit your child.

I do not agree with the other post about "endangerment"... the court is not going to say that this is "endangerment". They would have to be physically harming the child in order for them to do anything. And you have to have some good evidence.

Whatever you do, go with attitude of making this the best situation for your child and not about your feelings. You are on the right track, good luck.

Hi L.,

I am sorry that you are going through this - I kind of know the feeling. My ex is married to my EX-Best Friend. So uncomfortable it is!!

In your case - I know it's tough but she is soooo Young - that it's possible she just doesn't know better.

I would encourage you to arrange a sit down with both of them. Make a list of the points that you need to make.

Let them know that you are attempting to find common ground for the benefit of your daughter.

A 22 yr old doesn't even know who she is - personally I question how long that marriage will last. She will soon want to "live" and he is going to be too tired.

Be firm yet friendly - this is your daughter - while she will be step-mom but make-up, skimpy panties and discussing you with your daughter are off limits.

If your ex has a brain he will encourage her to comply.

I am here for ya - even to vent.

A.
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Well the only thing I can say is that she is a young women and I bet in a few years she will also be an EX. So in the mean time in front of your daughter I would be nice. Maybe you can start talking to her again little by little asking her about her their child. Dont sweat it to much.......something tells me you will not have to deal with her that long. Good luck!

!!

I think you expressed yourself beautifully in this post. Would you be able to call this woman and congratulate her on her upcoming marriage? Can you re-assure her that you are happy for her happiness with your ex, then invite her for a cup of coffee at Starbucks. Thank her for the kindness she has shown your daughter. Let her know you appreciate it and honestly tell her you want to have an open parenting relationship with her for the best of your daughter. Take it from there.........

i am going to point out two things for you, and maybe by pointing those out you'll do some soul searching, and find a way to make it work for your daughter's sake.
two things you said stroke a cord with me (i will copy paste from your post)
Also, I am 31 my ex is 36 and she is only 22. And yes they've been together for 3-4 years. My response to this: why did you add this part (and yes they've been together for 3-4 years). we can do our own math and figure how she old was when they got together.
your second thing was she got my daughter VS panties (and your daughter is five). ok i am 35 years old, and wear the smallest size in VS (XS), and even those wouldn't fit my 5 year old daughters. so where did the soon to be stepmom get those panties for your daughter? so no, she didn't get skimpy VS panties, you're just trying to paint a bad picture of her.

if you want your daughter to be able to have a relationship with her father, you make sure you're polite, accepting and no snotty remarks about her stepmom ever (even if you feel it. find a girlfriend to talk to her about the girlfriend/wife but not in front of your daughter). if you PO the soon to be wife to your ex, chances are she will work against your daughter being in their lives.
this is not a battle i would choose to fight if i were you.

Here's the best thing my therapist told me...You don't have to like her, you just have to love your child and be civilized in front of the little person. She's a young woman and her efforts to outshine you as a Mommy are most likely as a result of not knowing and trying too hard. Overtime she'll see how foolish those choices were and make different one's for her kiddo. But the only person you have to worry about it your child and how she feels about what's happening. My son's father is constantly dating women who buy my son stuff and spoil him to win his affection. There's nothing I can do about the choice of women but I can make sure my son knows that it's great people buy him stuff, and that's he's very lucky to be loved. I do my best to keep positive and not every let my son see me react to these things.

As for the married stuff, I think maybe you should ask your Ex the best way the 3 of you can work together so that everyone is on the same page in the future. You don't have to have a relationship with his new almost-wife. However making an effort to create a parenting plan will hep everyone in the future, especially if she stick around long enough to be a part of puberty and dating and stuff that gets very sticky.

Good Luck!!

L. - Hey there, I commend your courage number 1, Children SHOULD come first. Bravo. All you can do is stick to your morals and just explain to your daughter that everybody is different and that you just know that what she is projecting on your daughter (make-up, undies etc.) is inappropriate for a little girl of 7.
Try re-gifting the underwear back to her at Christmas! That's what I would do.
Obviously it is completely inappropriate and stupid to act that way towards a child of 7. Any loving Mother with a brain would not do that to ANY child.

My husband left us over 5 years ago for the village ho. We are older than you guys and "my" children are now 10,11 & 13. My husband is still living with her and we live on opposite sides of the U.S. That said I am so grateful that I do not have to deal with your situation. I totally agree with Daisey and Alison - she won't be around for long. Try and hang in there until her turn is over with. Eventually he might wise up and act his age.

I don't speak negatively about my husband to my children - his actions show him for who he is. Kids are smart they learn for themselves really quickly, my 13 year old blows me away sometimes with how much she has figured out!

Good luck and ignore rude people like Nola, they don't matter.

M. F

I am the "new wife" in the situation with our family. And I feel for both of you... this is SUCH a difficult situation. In my situation though, I am the one constantly reaching out and my husband's ex-wife constantly finds reasons to have problems with me. I think maybe the "new wife" has to be ready for you to reach out, but I know for me if my husband's ex-wife called me and maybe asked me to lunch and was just very real and honest with me it would go an immensely long way to helping the situation. I want it to be ok, as hopefully the "new wife" in your situation does, because it would make EVERYONE's life better and easier. I feel like I bend over backwards and border on butt kiss just to make things ok with my husband's ex, and I wish just once she would sit me down and say, "Look... "blank" has been my problem, and I'm sure you've had some problems too, but I can see that it would benefit everyone if we could get along, and I know you are a human being who most likely wants the same thing, let's try to get past our differences and be friends." That would mean the world to me. As the "new wife" I would simply appreciate some realness and some kindness.
My mother and stepmother were actually best friends! I wish it didn't have to be a competition and we could move on....

It's all about your child. Your responsibility is to foster the relationship between your child and her father/step mother. It's exhausting to try to be the bigger person and be ahead of the game but your daughter will be more secure and confident because of it. Continue to instill values in her and show her what is important in life and what she needs to do to keep herself safe, etc.
I always teach my son that he has a responsibility to follow the rules whether we are together or separate. He needs to ask himself if it's something that is allowed and if he's not sure, to ask me or his father. When things happen at his father's that he has questions about, I direct him back to his father. When I have questions, I ask his father. I do not want my son to be in the middle of things or feel like he has to answer to me for what his father does. When his father and I don't get along and my son is aware of it, I remind him that we both have different opinions of how things should be and sometimes that makes us upset but that it's good for us to talk about it so that we can come to a resolution.
As far as the stepmom goes-- try to use your age and experiences to your advantage and in some circumstances, give her the benefit of the doubt. Who knows what her background was like and perhaps she didn't realize that Victoria Secret skimpy panties aren't appropriate for a 7yr old girl. Perhaps? Maybe she thought she was getting cool points for her gift (and maybe even your daughter has mentioned that she thinks Victoria Secret is cool because it's feminine and pretty--not even thinking risque).
You don't have to be her friend but you do have to be respectful if that's why you expect in return. Speak with your daughter's father and share your concerns in a non confrontational way.

Tell her you want to meet up, go for a walk, and try to go some place quiet so there are no distractions. Then, tell her you want to work with her as a team, so that your little girl always has someone to love her and spend time with her. Trade cellphone numbers and try your best to make an effort to have a girls' day out every now and then where you, the new wife and your daughter do something together, united as a family, and that will show her that you all get along, such as a day at the beach, a girls' shopping spree or a concert. You should make it a daily habit to discuss what activities you have planned for your daughter every day and that as the new stepmom, you will take her ideas into consideration, and she should do the same if you have any ideas whenever your husband has custody of your girl. If anything upsets you, tell her delicately that you do not find these activities age appropriate and offer other suggestions instead. Honestly, the dad should intervene if anything too mature is going on if the stepmom ignores your feelings about the situation because he is the father and you cannot expect such a young girl to know much or care about parenting. Tell her you were not sure about the seriousness of her relationship with her husband, which is why you did not reach out to her before, and that you both must agree to not trash talk each other to your daughter and get along. Have you watched the movie Stepmom with Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon? It may help with what to do and what not to do in this situation and how you can become close, even though the women in the movie are a bit older than you both. Good luck, I'm sure it's not easy.

There is a book called, "Parenting: The Pro Child Way". The woman has been through two marriages and had a child with each man. Her advice to other divorced parents is amazing and having met her daughters, I will tell you that they are some of the most well-adjusted children I have ever met (that includes kids from "normal" family homes)! You can buy it off of amazon.com, and I highly recommend it. It will give you ways to deal with an ex's spouse, and I know tons of divorce lawyers who force their clients to read it prior to the divorce being finalized because it is such a wonderful resource. Hope this helps!

First of all, you don't have to like her. You can be civil, but you need her to know you do not like your daughter treated as a young adult. She is 7 and there are lots of appropriate gifts out there. Maybe she doesn't know any better, she's still young and maybe that's the way she was brought up. (That's the way she ended up with a man 14 years older)
Try calling her between your daughter's visit and get to know her a bit. Once you establish a line of communication, it'll be easier to deal with any objections you find along the way. Remember to thank her when she does good, too.