Ex-Husband's Wife

Next time it comes up just politely tell her this is not the time to discuss this and I am proud of my son (loudly so your son hears your praise). If he is having issues in school then that is a separate issue from his game time. One has nothing to do with the other. Unless he's inappropriate at the games, then nothing should be said except praise on his grace after winning an award and doing well in the game. As a previous bad conduct for talking student...big deal! He is a kid and learning to control his impulses will continue to be an issue for years to come. I know plenty of adults, myself included, that let our emotions and mouth get ahead of us. So if an adult has a problem, how can we expect a kid to be perfect!

I have been divorced for 6 years and have played this game with my ex, his most recent ex-wife and several girlfriends. Jealously, in security, pecking order, animosity....there are several motivating factors and possibly a combination of several as it pertains to the interaction of all the blended family members. Yes - confrontation and the mere thought of pulling the offender's hair out a great THOUGHTS...in the long run it truly serves no positive purpose and could backfire on YOU because then you are seen as the attacker. Stay out of the relationship between your kids and the step-parent. Do not call the step anything nor make up a code name like Pyscho Wench. Do not talk bad about the step or the dad. Just listen when the kids talk and keep your opinions to your self. If they ask for guidance on how to deal with step, tell them to do the best they can and maube the kids need to address it with their dad. On your end, re-assure your children that you love, support, respect, etc. them and let them know that you have your best interest at heart. If needed, there are several good child therapists on the north side. Bottom line is step-monster is currently digging her own grave regarding her relationship with her step-children and this will come to fruition as they mature. On a side note - not knowing the relaionship between you and your ex.....My ex remarried and then launched a full-custody petition against me. Keep a personal journal of actions / events that happen (like my ex husband's new wife verbally assaulted and then tried to physically attack me without provocation on my part in a public place - not one of her brighter moments...). Record attendance to games, school functions. Keep track of grades. Make yourself known to teachers, coaches, scout leaders. Try to include ex and step as much as possible and record what happens. I realize it is tedious; however, it can show a clear pattern of behaviour. Good luck!

As a son in the same position your son is in, I can say, positive reinforcement on the good from you, do not cut or rip the step mom or his dad. However I agree that in a relaxed atmosphere and in love approach the step mom and tell her that cutting someone in public is not only humiliating but also degrading and cause damage for a very long time. The saying we learn as kids "sticks and stone may break my bone but words will never hurt me..." is probably the worst thing that could ever be said, words cut deeper than a two edged knife especially when they come from a parent.

I will pray that this situation gets solved.

If she is not his mother, then she should keep her mouth shut and your ex needs a lesson in appropriate conduct of his new wife. I am a "second wife" and when my stepsons are in trouble, it is not my place to take any part in the discipline that follows. I do talk with the boys about school and going to college, but the negative and punitive stuff is left to their father and mother, as it is none of my business!

Toooooo Close for Comfort. Distance yourself from this situation and things will get better. Maybe another baseball team might also be a good idea because if her son isn't playing then maybe she would be so gracious and let her husband support his son alone.

We are a blended family and it's tough. Instead of bringing this up to you ex you should talk to her directly and let her know how you feel and how you think her comment affected your son. When we would have disagreement with our children my son once said "it seems like you all are trying to argue about who is the better kid". That coming from a then 9 year old (he is 18 now).

Issues will always arise in defending our kids. Lots of luck to you V.. Oh yeah and even though your ex sided with his new wife doesn't mean they didn't have an arguement about it after you got off the phone with him!!!!

Why would anyone in their right mind critize a child in front of a group of people. That was extremely inappropriate and your husband should stick up for his child not his new wife. Tell your son this is unfortunately a part of life and his step mother made a terrible mistake. Let him know she may do it again because that is who she is and he needs to accept her but realize her words have nothing to do with his mistakes. Also, she has no rights to your child. Your ex-husband is the only one who has the right to say anything and even then that was not the time. Good luck to you and the wicked step mom!!!
PS. You should print out these comments and show your EX how inappropriate his wife was.

Well first of all she was in the wrong. 2nd of all you should be confident and you should be the person who knows what he conduct grades are. If you did, then I would of said something like to your son in front of her, like "your conduct grades have improved so let's continue to celebrate the joy of your reward". Then I would of taken little Ms. StepMom off tot he side and asked her to not humiliate and degrade your son in public as this will create problems with his conduct and damage his self-esteem.

As a divorced Mom of a 6 yr old I have learned that you have to be directly to the point with X-husbands and Step moms. Don't ask and do not tell on , you tell them what is right and wrong and stand firmly by it. It took me a lot of practice.

Do the kids live with you? If so, this is between you and their father and it is not her job to raise your and his children. She needs to worry about her own child's conduct. She is no more then an occasional baby sitter. Your children already have a mother and I would make that very clear. I am not big on conflict, but if someone steps on my toes I would say something; in a mature manner of course.

I totally agree with you.. there is a time and a place for everything & that was certainly NOT the time nor the place. Sadly, if it is not your child.. you don't really have any place to say anything. You DO however have the right to voice your opinion.. maybe if you do tell her what you think (especially when others are around) she will eventually STOP... Good luck!

I think it's okay to say something to her. I would approach it as Mom to Mom. Like..."I accept that you are in my life and will be a part of my sons so I want us to be on the same page.

I appriciate that you take an interset and are concerned in his work but think it might be better if those sort of topics are tabled for a more appropriate time. "

Who knows why she said it. Maybe they had a conversation and she was brining it up becasue of that conversation.

It's very hard to balance this sort of situation.

Just talk to her. Face to face would be better BUT if you think you would want a cheat sheet...write one up and call her.

Good luck

I just wne back and read the otehr advice.

They are wrong to say this women doesn't have a postion in your sons life. The minute she married your ex-husband she had a role. If you are lukcy you can work together to raise fantastic children. But she has influence over your ex-husband and your sons life.

The best thing you can do is try to work with her. I have had two step mothers. The last one my dayd has been married to for 20 years. Both women have effected my life. Some of it positive some of it I can cast as "evil" stepmom but in reality both women just wanted what's best.

Will she put her kid first. Yes. That's okay. Your boys are first in your world!

Oh hun, I totally agree with you on this one-TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE. She could have waited until much later to bring this up to him instead of ruining the moment. Besides, is it really up to her if YOUR son stays in baseball or not? I would think if his behavior warranted some discipline that severe that it would be a decision between you and your ex, not her.

Other people that responded here said if you approach her, start with "I know we are a part of each other's lives, and we do both have influence over the boys, but..." I think that is a good approach that way she doesn't think you are attacking her.

Good Luck.

The wicked stepmother has no right to approach any child much less her stepchild w/any reprimand in public. Especially if the biological mother of that child is also present and worse when the child is at the height of elation for doing great in someting! She (the wicked stepmother) should have had the decency and respect to mention it to the biological mother if it was such a concern for her,(the stepmother). But watch what you say and the intention you say it with, it just may come back and bite you! I would definitely inform the father (after his approving of such an irresponsible action) that if he has any care or love for his child, to make sure not even a green frog, hurts one hair on his head. Insult to injury (a child dealing with the divorce) is enough for any kid to go through, much less knowing the father backs up the wicked stepmother! Been there done that! No one hurts my kids! RV

WOW...I can not believe she would do this and for your son's father to agree with her...I wonder how she would like to be embarrassed in front of other people in public.. You were right in what you said to your son...I also agree with your brother...sounds to me like she was very jealous that your son did so good and hers did not... I would encourage your son to do his best on not getting any more marks, and to continue the awesome job he did... so that he can get more awards...let him know that you don't want him to get any more marks but that getting awards can and could happen every game.... by doing this it should keep the jealous step mother quiet.... good luck and tell your son CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!! T. H. from La Grange Texas

I don't normally reply to most questions, but the stepmother was wrong. She was completely out of line. She should not have made any comments regarding your son. His father should have stated that to her at that moment.
What kind of father let's a stepmother make negative comments about his son in public. True you should talk to him about his conduct, but that was not the venue for it. YES, she was jealous because it was NOT her son.

I have a son who gets into a lot of trouble. And I mean a lot. He's ADHD and has had to deal with severe speech and learning difficulties. He's now 7, and no matter how horrible he might have behaved prior to receiving an award like this, I would have NEVER brought up his prior bad behavior at that moment! NEVER! I would have gone home and thrown him a party! And if someone else had, be it his father, grandmother, or anyone else (especially a step-mom) I would have been very upset. I probably would have handled it just like you, but when I got home and really thought about it, I would have called the entire world and vented for hours! Wow, I feel for you. And hopefully, although your ex didn't act upset about it to you, hopefully he went home and told her something for doing that to his son. Maybe he just didn't want to let you see him mad at his new wife. You never know. Just hang in there. There are a lot of self-important, opinionated, mouthy people out there in the world, and unfortunately your son is going to have to deal with them his entire life. And there are definitly a lot of mothers out there who take a lot of pleasure in pointing out other children's faults just so they don't have to look at their own children's faults. Its a shame, really. Good luck.

I'm so sorry your son had to feel the humiliation his step mother put on him. I was a step mother for 15 years and truly enjoyed the experience. I never tried to be their mother and take matters into my own hands. Only one of the kids lived with us so yes there was a certain amount of dicipline and rules, however it was not my place to do that. I simply informed my husband and it was his place to deal with the children or talk to their mom. We went to almost all of the activities as possible and I always cheered on the kids and never shot them down. Today my husband and I are divorced, however I still have all of his kids calling me and still very close. I always made it very clear to the kids I was not their mother and their real mother was the one person who would always know what was best for them.

Your sons step mother was very out of line and your son will eventually resent her for her actions if she doesn't stop. Definately talk to your ex some more and hopefully he will see the light. I'm now a single mother of a beautiful 3.5 yr old and I don't think I would have been able to compose myself as well as you did. Good luck

I agree that the game was absolutely not the time to bring up the conduct issues. What happened didn't give him incentive to improve his behavior, it stole away something that was extremely positive at that moment. However, I don't agree with what you said to him either. After the step-mom comment, you can let him know that you (all three of you) will definitely deal with the marks later, but right now he should be very proud of his accomplishment and let him know that his hard work, listening to the coaches and being a team player is what enabled him to deserve the MVP award. That can then be used later when dealing with his conduct. Compare the two, how does he feel when he's being awarded compared to being in trouble? The positive needs to always be emphasizes (praised) more than the negative. Plus showing him that you are at odds with the step-mom and his dad is not going to help his situation. Right now it's so important (and so hard) to put HIS best interest first than to feel justified in your own actions or anger. I know it's hard, but don't give in to her game. If you can be a rock of reason for him now (kids are much smarter than we think), he will find you to be his most trusted confidant when he is older. I hope this helps!

I agree with you that his conduct should not have been brought up at his baseball game. There is a time and place for talks but she had no right to ruin his moment. I am in a similar situation. My 8 year old plays baseball this year and did in the past. His step mother ruined it for him and caused me to have to take hi out of baseball for a year. She is a very jealous person. She has 4 kids which are 3 girls and 1 handicap boy. I firmly believe that she is jealous that her boy cannot do the things that a normal one can. I hate to throw that in her face, but she always caused problems for us and that is the only reason I can come up with. My ex husband is 30 and his new wife is 40. I am only 27, maybe thats another thing she hates about the situation. Not to mention, my ex was my highschool sweetheart and we have quite a past. I am remarried with 2 more children, but my ex still comes to me when he is having relationship problems. His wife caused a huge scene at Colby's baseball pictures the year before last and it ended in a court session. After keeping him out of baseball for a year, I decided that Colby shouldn't have to suffer so I put him back in this year. I guess she got uninterested because I haven't seen his step mom at any of his games or practice. Problem solved! For now!. I don't have any advice for you, but I do know how this all feels since I am in a similar situation. It sounds like you actually get along with her on try to at least so maybe talking directly to her will help. I didn't have that option since we can't talk without it turning very ugly. Good luck in the future, maybe she will find a new hobby and disappear as my problem did. lol

I'm sorry but if you mess with my child, you mess with me big time. I don't know what would be the best thing but if that had happened in public I you've defend him on the spot! I realize you you caught by surprise. If she did this over a game, prepare for battle as these kids grows or make sure she's not going to feel like she can treat your kids with any less respect than anyone else's anywhere, really.

Make this an opportunity to teach your children that people are not always nice and how to handle themselves. It seams she's going to be around their lives for a while,preparing them for other jealous fit will be wise.

A.

If his conduct is a problem at school, it should be brought up and handled that day, not at his game. It sounds like the new wife is jealous. If his conduct keeps being a problem take away a privelege for once week. that's what I had to do. But I never bring it up at something that has nothing to do with school and conduct. My daughter is a great talker also, that is her only conduct problem. We handle it with a series of punshiments, but after schoold, not at dance class or anywhere else unless it was a problem at that event. I would have been furious. I have 3 step sons and I never tried to bring them down. What ever they did, I was there rooting for them like they were my own. When school issues would come up, the ex and I would work together and come up with a course of action that was in agreement. When the boys were living with us I would let here know and what I was doing about it. When the boys were with the ex and needed punishment she would let me know so that I wouldn't undermine her. It wasn't always easy but we made it work.

My son is in 1st garde and we are having the conduct card issue too.. I agree with both of you.
No, it shouldn't have bben bought up AT THE GAME.
but, yes it should be discussed thta he would lose stuff he loves like thta if the check marks continue.
As a 37 yr. old mom of 2 I am still dealing with the step-mom issues I had as a child. I hope everything works out well.

Your husband new wife is going to do that from now to the day she dies. I am the husband's new wife (we have custody) we have 3 all together but all are treated the same. We never use fun time to try to punish anyone. As for the comment she said I would have told her to butt out and take care of her child. That's what I have to do with my ex' new wife.

It is crucial for your son that you continue to tell him your views and the truth of things. Your ex will agree with his wife, clearly and that is that. You have no control over this. What you do have control over is to give your son a clear, honest view and he is not too young for this. If you do not, he will be subject to your ex's wife's way of thinking. Your son needs you to step in and clarify, otherwise your son will really be confused, and worse accept those ideas, which are inappropriate.

I went through this and took my son to an excellent therapist - this was the advice she gave me and I feel it was the only thing completely best for my son's wellbeing. Some may argue and tell you that your son is too young to hear that but believe me, he will hear the other side - it is your job as his mother to clarify that for him and also to ask him questions about what he thinks and feels when treated like this - this last part is to aid him in dealing with them when you are not around - to teach him to ask himself how that kind of treatment feels and notice --- if it does not feel good to his mind, heart, body, then he need not take it in and can talk with you about it later to clarify.

The sad part is trying to help your son make sense as to why his father is not protecting him on these issues. I would keep that as simple as possible and make sure your son knows that sometimes we cannot all see things the same way.

Good luck V. - and stick to your guns - you are right on with this!

Alli

Don't respond to it and just be happy & proud with your son. Go celebrate. If she wants to be tacky & ugly, that will be between her, your ex, & unfortunately your son. He will handle it and figure it out. It will be their loss, but don't get in the middle.
I am a stepmom and had to bit my tongue for years but never said anything or played the game. The kids figured it out and it backfired on her. They are grown now and we get along great!! I'm even called Grandma at their suggestion.

Poor David! I'll gladly give him my smile. I think that's great he got most valuable player award!!!!! Way to go David!!!!!

Blended families are soooo tough. Don't let the "steps" dictate David's life. Rise above it and keep that smile wrapped around your head!!!

Maybe its me but the way I look at it is that you both have issues and you should keep the children out of it.If you have opionions and we all do then its best to keep them between the grown-ups.When grown ups behave like this in front of children and talk about each other behind each others back they are only encourging the children to act like this.When I see other people behaving in such a manner I think it to be uncouth.If the two of you have differences then settle it between yourselves and leave the chidren out of it.

Ignore the current wife. She is looking for attention. There's a time and place. Do not even compare the two "brothers". It does nothing for their self esteem and makes the ones making the comparisons braggers.

I totally agree with you that wasnt the time or the place. that was his moment to shine and she shouldnt have shot that baby down. Seems to me like her son does have a problem and not yours. My son is almost 8 and he likes to talk alot like his mom and still makes A's and B's, so all I can say is let it go in one ear and out the other and tell her to keep you sons conduct out of her mouth!

It may be too late this year, but perhaps your sons can be on different teams in the future.

Well V. D,

It is natural for you ex to side with his wife, I would want my husband to have my back even when I make mistakes. But you are the mom and have your son's back at all times I think he will appreciate that you were there to put her back in her place ... now you will have to monitor her behavior with him until he is older .... and maybe you should let her know how dumb and ignorant she came across by doing that.

I have an E-h's w, too. He and his family pull stunts like this often and it does nothing but hurt the children. You want to be cautious in pointing out the wrongs in him and his wife to your son. The kids will find that out on their own eventually anyway. ...and the only thing it shows the boys is that you disagree and they can play one parent against the other. What you can do instead after a letdown like that is: a)over-highlight his success, b)remind him that yes, he has some work to do on his conduct, but that c)he's already doing better on that score as it is, so there are no worries (just like you said to her). I would personally have a conversation with him/her to remind them that YOU are his mother and SHE should not over-step the boundaries like she did - especially in the WAY she did. And that SHE doesn't have the decision-making rights regarding YOUR son nor his activities. She only accomplished hurting a child she should instead be embracing and celebrating with. Mend his heart and point him toward his future excitements - like the next game, next season, next awards and won games! You will always be his mother and he needs to know that he can turn to you when he is hurt for comfort, not opinion. My heart goes out to you - I'm living it, too!

I totally agree with you and think you did the right thing. Some people think that self esteem is arrogance. Or they just like to suck the fun out of life. I am sure your son already knows that if he is good in school he can play t-ball. Nothing like kicking a child when they are "up" and the center of attention. You can't control what your X and his wife say or think. Just be loving and supportive. I am sure your son has already figured out what his stepmother is like. Listen to him when he wants to talk about living in blended family and stand up for him when needed.

No, you were not wrong for saying that. Just know that your ex-husband is going to always take his new wifes side no matter what she says. I going through the same thing.

I think you were right in confronting her. She should have never said a word in front of his team mates. Evil step mom!!!!! If she wanted to bring up the marks she should have waited, I guess she has never learned about respecting other people. Just because hes only 9 doesnt give her the right in embressing(however) him. And your ex should have sided with you on this one because what she just did could have a bearing on his self esteem.

I am a mother to 3 kids and a step mom. I would never try to embress(however) any of my kids like that.

Tell your son he did great and go out for ice cream to celebrate. In the morning before school remind him he needs to behave so he doesnt get any marks for that day.

Next time she trys to bring your son down by saying that kind of remark when its not important at the time
Ask her if she feels the need to try to embress your child. She'll say no then you can add then it can wait. That will make her feel small and hopefully put her in her place for the time being. But it will also show your son that you care about both his happiness and his marks of behavior.

I have a step mom that did that to me when I was younger and to this day she still trys. Im 29 and now I know she is just trying to hurt me using words.

I am a step mom, and a real mom so I can see both sides to your issue. Yes, the step mom should not have said that, however, I have learned that everyone makes mistakes, maybe bring it up to her in a polite way later, like I agree he should not get marks, however, maybe that can be discussed at a later time. I do not think telling your son that that should not have been brought up will do anything positive, it will only make him feel validated and maybe his marks increase, and pit him against his step mom, children are too young to understand adult issues, and rationalize them in ways grown ups do not understand, take it up with the step mom in private and dont discuss it with the child, children forget these things quickly while the grown ups hang onto them forever.

Um...yeah I think you did very well on how you handled it. I cant say that I would have been that calm about it. Quick thinking I like your comment, if I would have been her I would have turned and walked away, in my opinion it made her look very childish and a dumba**. I think your right about his conduct, it should be brought up but my gosh not at his freaking baseball game. Although if talking is all he is doing then kudos to him. I have a daughter who is now 16, she has always liked to socialize during school and yes she got in trouble for it but come on do we go to work and not say a word all day and act like little soldiers. No we don't, but going to school and kicking someone in the throat seems a little extreme at the age of 5 WOW I hate to hear what he will do at an older age. And really you have to wander is it his fault for acting out it seems his parents may have the problem here. Anyway I could go on and on about this, but I do think its a shame that his own father did not correct the ridiculous comment that his wife made. Im' kind of like one of the other comments, you mess with my kids you will have to go thru me first. I really think you did a very good job at keeping your composure and handling it the way you did. Good luck in the future!

Mixed up families are very difficult at best. The only way you can ever have peace being thrown together is to bury the past....forget all of the things about the past that make you angry. Most of the time the new wife can't be held responsible for all of the baggage. Unless of course she stole your husband from you........then I do not have any help to offer. But try to get along and be nice to each other is the only way that it will make every thing better for every one.

Hi V.,

These dynamics are difficult to manage. It sounds like the stepmom relationship may be a new one for the two of you. It does seem like she is the person to talk to. It's her behaviour that you don't like. Is she available to talk? It would be so much easier than going through your ex. And, congratulations to your son for the great game and good grades!

Also, I thought I'd pass along a great website about Mother/Stepmother relationships http://www.noonesthebitch.com/

Warmly,
R.

i have learned that you need to always stand up for your kids it was not the time to mention his conduct and you had every right to say what you did your ex sounds like he is afraid of his wife they will both regret that remark one day you keep the compliments coming for your son good luck i am the mom of three and the memaw of six

You are correct, that your son's conduct should not have been brought up during his game. If your son needs reprimanding, it should be in private and talk about things that he could do differently next time. Neither child's conduct should have been brought up at the game.

Yes of course she's jealous!! You're ex probably does not agree w/ what she did, BUT he will act like he does because he is going to back her no matter what. I would definitely bring it to her attention but in a mature manner. Let her know that her timing & place was totally off, and that yes his conduct is important, but there are ways of addressing it, and it's not in front of his team-mates and especially on a day he's getting awarded!!! That's one good way of bringing his self esteem down...that was very immature on her part!! Just continue to praise your son so that atleast he's hearing lots of positives when he's with you.

I think you handled this perfectly. You surely handled it better than I would have, but, of course, hind sight is 20/30 in my case. My kids are grown. But I would have never tolerated this. I am very outspoken. Not only was your son belittled, in a way you were too. I agree that you should speak to this person. She needs to know that "tact" is an issue if you want to call it that. And that her "conduct" just got a huge mark itself. Yous ex should let her know that HIS son deserved this exciting, positive moment in his life and this was NOT the time for her to be hateful or rude like she was. After all, this young man is his blood and he should treat him as such. Good Luck. If you ever need to chat, give me a hollor.

I totally agree with you and your brother. She has no right saying anything anyway. Does your child live with her does she support him? Did she pay for his registration? Probally not and even if she did she had no right to belittle him, I was just being sarcastic. Scary to know that your child has to be with them at least every other weekend or whatever agreement you guys have, without your presence because she has no real love for your child to be acting like that. You were definately right to tell your son what was wrong with that picture, that way he knows what appropriate behavior is,and that her ignorant behavior doesn't ruin his way of thinking. Amazing isn't it, how our ex husbands become brain dead and washed over a new woman. I don't get it. With mine I have the same problem with mine. It hurts my daughters to see how he'll do what ever for his new wife and nothing they have going on is important enough for him to slow down for, if they get into a disagreement with her he pretty much takes his wife's side and treats my kids like they're totally in the wrong. It really hurts too when you can't even be treated with respect because your the mother of their children. Sorry for you having to go thru with this, I know how you feel.

I can sympathize with you. I am a 40 year old mom with 2 kids and I strongly feel, #1, that the step mom needs to stay out of things concerning your children. If they live full time with you and you are the one basically raising them, she needs to know her place, which in my opinion, is your ex's wife, that is all. #2, She is a mom. She already know that you NEVER criticize a child like that in front of his peers and especially when he/she is feeling good about their self. Her comment is not needed. Not her child. This hits too close to home. Wish you the best and hang in there. I agree 100% with you.