Engagement Question

Girl - if he can't handle finances now it won't magically change when you get married or the baby is born.

If you can't afford it. You can't afford it.

There are diamond rings for sale on ebay and craigslist. And he can spend what he can afford.

Sounds like you both need money management classes and learn how to save and use your money wisely. Control your finances so they don't control you.

remember this - a wedding is a party. it is NOT the marriage. Get your communication about money ironed out NOW not after you get married. This is one thing that sooooo many couples lose it over. Money.

Get Dave Ramsey. Get Suze Orman. Use Themint.com or some other budgeting tool and get your finances in order. NOW.

GOOD LUCK!

5 moms found this helpful

I think the issue is not so much the amount he wants to spend on a ring, but the fact that you two aren't on the same page about it and he refuses to do anything differently. Your post leaves out a lot of information that might be relevant to deciding to spend $3K on a ring, but if you are going to have a successful marriage you need to be able to work out these things.

Money tends to be a big issue in relationships. Have you discussed your concerns with him? Is he receptive? Willing to compromise? Have you guys talked about what happens money-wise after the baby is born but before you are married? These, to me, are more important issues than the issue of engagement rings. For the record, I would feel the exact same way you do about spending that much with a baby on the way.

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It is irresponsible for him to spend the money if he cannot afford to do so-the story will sound much better if it starts with careful planning and the ring 10 years from now when you are so happy you are pinching yourselves!I do understand his wanting to give you an outward symbol of his undying love-but a marriage certificate and an extra $3000 in the bank would make me feel much more loved!

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You're right. He's wrong.
Right now the baby is the most important priority.

I'm assuming money IS an issue or you wouldn't be posting this Q, so I'm going on that assumption.

Get simple wedding bands and get married at the courthouse. The time for him saving and planning to buy a $3000 ring has passed. He's doing it all "out of order" now which means the baby, then his marriage, is moved to the top of the list.

It's not about the engagement OR the wedding--it's about the marriage!

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I agree with you. Your first financial obligation is to take care of your child.

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You don't give enough information to say one way or the other. The only dollar amount of anything you list, is the amount he wants to spend on a ring. No income, debts, nothing. So we don't know.

But, I will say, that when you go shopping, avoid the chain jewelery stores and mall stores. Try to find a diamond broker, buy your stone and have it set in a ring setting you can purchase wherever. The markups on jewelry (especially diamonds) is at least 100% in those kinds of stores.

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I understand about having a "nice" ring. My hubby wanted me to have a "nice and big" ring and I do! However, I am all about the sales shopping! My engagement ring is over 2ct and we got it for like 75% off. My wedding band is 1ct and it was about 60% off. So hubby paid about 3k for them but in reality it would have been a lot more. So maybe you can go shopping with him and pick out something you BOTH like at a price you BOTH are happy with. One of the biggest factors for me was I didn't want to "upgrade". I hate that. I wanted the same engagement and wedding ring FOREVER. I didn't want price to factor into the size of the ring I got, which is why we shopped for the best sale we could. So I hope you find something you both will be happy with. =)

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My friends mom has an amazing wedding ring! It's big, beautiful, sparkles fantastically, and is FAKE! Seriously, Diamonique from QVC is gorgeous jewelry, and has great wedding sets, and will be waaay cheaper than a real, huge rock. And nobody needs to know its not the real thing ;)

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You should have the ring you want the same as the wedding you want.

My best advice for though is do not apply for a credit card from a jewelry store. My SIL did that and then found out the interest is 27%. It will take years to pay off the ring.

3 moms found this helpful

You need to shop within your means.
And, for me personally, I would not want to go into debt, over a ring with a "rock" on it.
ESPECIALLY since you are both going to have a baby.
Do you know, how expensive that will be?

I am a band type. I told my Husband I didn't want a "rock" wedding/engagement ring. Lucky for him and his wallet.

Tiffany & Co. has really nice bands. Of ALL price ranges. With or without stones on it.
I would go there.
http://www.tiffany.com/Shopping/CategoryBrowse.aspx?searc...+

Personally, I never even had an engagement ring.
I had a wedding ring.
I see no point in an "engagement" ring.

Does your Boyfriend actually HAVE the money.... to spend on a ring of that price???? And not go into debt over it?

The more important thing is: to prepare for the baby.

3 moms found this helpful

why not tell him to get someting more meaningful than a diamond? Other types fo rings are more unique and less expensive

3 moms found this helpful

When my husband and I got engaged, I had a beautiful promise ring. He really wanted to buy me a proper engagement ring, but I loved the promise ring and it was precious to me. When we married, we needed furniture and groceries and things like that, so I just wore a plain gold band. This September we will have our 25th wedding anniversary. I am hoping for the big rock now!!
Congratulations on your wedding and baby on the way!

3 moms found this helpful

Okay, I'm going to be in the minority here, but when my husband and I were talking about marriage, I told him I had a one carat minimum. My reasoning was that if he couldn't afford a ring that I would be proud to wear for the rest of my life, then he really couldn't afford to get married and start a family in the first place. He is a great shopper and ended up getting a great price on a beautiful ring just over 1.5 carats. I still love it 8 years later and I'm sure that I always will. When he bought me my ring, it was as much for him as me- he wanted people to look at me and see that I had a man that was willing to work his butt off and save to buy me a very beautiful ring. I say go for it now instead of putting it off, because buying a nice ring "later" may never come.
ETA: Get a nice band before you get a fake! I can spot a fake a mile away and I personally would much rather have a nice band than costume jewelry for my engagement ring!

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I don't think you're wrong. I flat-out refused to have an engagement ring because I think they're a waste of money.

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A ring he buys now won't fit in a month or two anyway, and then you'll have to wait until after baby to wear it again.

That said, I doubt you'll be able to change his mind on this.

I do have two ideas you might be able to get him to go for...

1)Rather than getting you a "cheap" ring now, would he be willing to skip the engagement ring all together and just get wedding bands. Let him get you a diamond ring at the 5 year mark or something as an anniversary band if it means a great deal to him.

2) Rather than a diamond, how about a beautiful engagement type setting with you BIRTH STONE (assuming you're not an April girl). He get get you a very nice, large stone with maybe diamond accents which will be unique and beautiful and much less costly. Not cheap but not $3000 either.

HTH

3 moms found this helpful

My husband bought my engagement and wedding ring when we were 17... He said he knew... It was onyl $600 for the set. I am very proud of my rings and would NOT trade them in for a big rock any day....

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See if someone in your family (or his) has an hierloom they would be willing to part with. My mom saved the wedding/engagement ring that my father gave her (he died when I was 2) and gave it to my then bf/now husband when we were flat broke right out of college. No - it wasn't huge - and no one stopped to proclaim about it - but it had/has a lot of sentimental value and I still have it for my daughter one day. :-)

You can always upgrade but unless he is paying cash your just getting a payment - and who wants taht when you've got a baby on the way?

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My first engagement ring was a $40 silver band with "Real Love is Forever-The Crow" engraved on it. It was movie merchandise for The Crow movie. I didn't get a diamond ring until we were shopping for our wedding bands. The big reason I got the diamond was I could not wear my wedding band and the engagement ring together and because I split the welding seam on the band. That ring was the perfect engagement ring! I did not feel jipped because he didn't spend thousands of dollars on it. I helped pick it out! Even when I got my diamond ring it was only $100 or so. We didn't spend $3000 combined for 2 wedding bands and my diamond! A couple years ago we replaced our wedding bands and my diamond. I had developed an allergy to the metal and my hands permanently went up a size after the birth of my third child. My new diamond ring didn't come near that cost either. The diamond is GIA certified, it's 18K gold, it's not tiny and everything. It is gorgeous! We went to Helzberg Diamonds. They've got decent prices and some pretty choices.
Setting an arbitrary amount on the ring is silly. Especially when you have other things you should be spending money on-your baby to be. I would do some online "wish listing" to show him what you like and he can get the clue on the dollar amount.
I'd be scared to bits wearing a $3000 ring!! I would never wear the thing for fear something happens to it. It would end up in a bank box somewhere, never to see the light of day. I'd be afraid of scratching up my baby with some massive thing. My mom stopped wearing her diamond for that very reason. After I was born she cut me up good one time and off it went, never to come out of the jewelry box again. These are things to think of and talk to him about.
Love does not have a dollar amount.

3 moms found this helpful

If you weren't expecting a baby, I'd say to go for it. You only get one engagement ring, right? However, as you said, caring for your baby is much more important than a ring. I think you have your priorities in the right place. Your baby is going to need so much. And you need to prepare for any issues that may arise (health problems at birth). Who knows what will happen, you'll want to be prepared.

You can get a beautiful ring for half of that amount. I did. And I am very happy with the ring my husband picked out for me 11 years ago. It is beautiful and I don't love it any less just because it has a small-ish diamond. One thing we did - For my wedding ring, I bought a wrap-around. It wraps around your engagement ring and has a 8 smaller diamonds. So, it creates a very pretty set when combing the wedding ring with engagement ring (they look like one ring when wrapped).

I would tell him exactly what you said her "I don't want to make you feel bad and I love that you want to buy me a beautiful ring, but..."

It's just jewelry.

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I don't know that there is a right and wrong answer to your question.

For your fiance, the price of the ring and quality of stone could mean a lot more than it would to someone else. He may feel embarrassed if you wear a "cheap" ring as, for him, it could denote a low financial status to others, or an inability to properly provide for you. Or, by buying a less expensive ring, he may feel he is insulting you. He may feel that your relationship and his love and commitment to you should be symbolized by a more extravagant purchase; something that truly represents his feelings. He may also see it as an insurance, of sorts. In case of an unexpected calamity or death, having expensive jewelry can be a true asset (when sold).

You, on the other hand, may feel uncomfortable wearing an expensive piece of jewelry when it isn't, from your perspective, practical or affordable. In your mind, an engagement ring is nice but not a necessity. Providing for your child IS and should be a priority before jewelry.

Now, I'm with you on this, but that isn't to say that I'm right because culturally, rings mean different things to different people.

My wedding ring/engagement ring cost 40 dollars. It's a cubic zirconia ring from the 1920's. We found while window shopping in an antique store and I absolutely adore it. I really wouldn't want a diamond even if we could afford it (which we can't). But would that work for everyone? Nope.

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I agree with you completely, and I also think Bridgett B. brings up a very good point. Couples argue more about money than anything else, so you two really need to get this straightened out.

My husband and I picked out our wedding rings together and spent about $1500 on my engagement/wedding band set. Now we've been married almost 18 years, and can afford to upgrade, but I never will. I love my original rings. Go shopping with your fiance and convince him that you don't have to spend a fortune to have beautiful rings. Besides that, you are creating beautiful memories together. The rings are a symbol of that. They don't need to be expensive.

Congratulations on your marriage and pregnancy! :)

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S., your bf needs to understand that the ring is just that. A ring. It is a symbol of your relationship. Even a simple wedding ring would be fine without the engagement ring. Since you are expecting, I would forego the lengthy engagement and just go get married. He can give you a nice anniversary ring later, when you've been married awhile. Whatever you do, don't go into debt for a piece of jewelry! He obviously can't afford it right now, if it truly is a choice between a ring and being prepared for the baby. Tell him that what you want is a *wedding* ring. Get married.

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Maybe he's trying to get you the "right" kind of ring because that is important to him. Talk to him about it, but be careful not to unintentionally insult his gesture - very sweet. Congratulations on both exciting life events!

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I would never spend that kind of money on a ring. Mine was $400 and I love it. Go with him to look and find one that you are comfortable with $ wise and ohhh and ahhhh over it and let him know that is the one you want.

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Well with the change in plans and your relationship, I say go with bands. Make him promise that at the x year mark he will buy you the diamond ring. This is a future goal.

Take the money and put it in the bank for the baby and its things. You two need to sit down and figure out how you are going to handle your finances, childrearing, childcare and who is or is not working. Get all that on the same page. Also set some goals you two want to accomplish together and put a time frame on it so that they come true. Don't forget date night after baby. This could be a special movie and a bottle of wine. It could be a dinner and a drive around town. Something that connects the two of you together.

But do sit down and prioritize your future life.

The other S.

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Without more info, it's hard to say. I personally don't think that $3K is an outrageous amount to spend on a ring and mine was more than that but my husband had the money to pay cash for it because he sold one of his motorcycles for it. If he has that amount to spend without having to use credit or dip into savings that is earmarked for something else, then let him buy you a ring that he will be proud to give to you.

If, however, he needs to buy that on credit...no way, no how. Never accept jewelry bought on credit - a guy can either afford to spoil you or he can't. If can't, that's OK but he needs to accept the reality of his financial situation and not try to show off what he doesn't have.

There is so much else to this question. You really need to sit down and plan things based on your income and expenses, then project the big baby expenses (childcare if you'll be working, lost income if you won't, medical bills, furniture and supplies, an increase in your health insurance premium, diapers, formula if you're not breastfeeding, maternity clothes, etc.), whether or not you're having a wedding etc. Other than the initial things like furniture and a car seat, paying your labor and delivery co-pay if you have a high deductible, and lost income on maternity leave if you don't get 100% paid leave, there isn't much to "save" for - it's all ongoing expenses that you have to be able to cover with your ongoing earnings month after month, year after year. So you don't need a huge amount of savings (it's not like college or retirement) but you do need a clear financial picture or plan.

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I do not think $3000 is a lot for a ring. However, with a baby on the way, there are more important things to spend money on right now.

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Explain to him that its your ring, and you should have a say. Its pretty awesome that he wants to get you a big ring, am I turning green? Lol, but you are right, its more important to save for the baby than a ring. You have your priorities straight. You cant put your baby to sleep on that ring, or eat off that ring etc. Tell him that after baby comes and things settle down then you two can start planning then to buy one.

Or if he is still insistent then check out prices online, they are cheaper and same quality. There are some really really nice rings out there for way cheaper than 3,000 dollars.

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It is crazy for him to spend that kind of money right now. You have a lot of expenditures coming up in the next few months with a baby and a wedding. Even a courthouse wedding costs money!

Just a thought.... small wedding with simple bands for now. Get your finances together and then "upgrade" when he has the CASH saved.

I have a big rock in a platinum setting. It's beautiful, but after saying "yes"- I immediately worried about how much he spent on it. We closed on our house the day we got engaged and the idea of the down payment, mortgage payments and a diamond made me a little sick for a few minutes.

He had saved for months and bought the ring through a family friend (jewler) so he didn't pay full retail for it, thankfully. He also had a limit based on the CASH he had saved- no financing, not "borrowing" to buy the ring.

Talk with him about it. Remember that the "ring" is as much a status symbol for him as it is symbolic of his intentions to marry you. Make it clear to him that you want to be married to him and that the ring can come later after the more immediate and pressing financial commitments are fulfilled.

Good luck and wear whatever you receive in good health and happiness!

1 mom found this helpful

You are very wise in your thinking. Sounds like he means well. What about if you picked out a few that you really like that are more affordable? It really isn't the price tag but rather the thought.

On a side note, he probably realizes if he doesn't get it for you now, the funds won't be there once there is a little one to care for. This may sound tacky but economically it is smart...what about a pawn shop?

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You are not crazy and it's a man thing. Let him know you are ok with not having the rock, but don't emphasize and confuse the baby scenario with the engagement. Keep them separate as much as you want to consider all costs. It will work out.

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I imagine it hurts him to feel he can't give you everything he wants to and that he has quite a bit of ego riding on this. Men are raised to equate their ability to provide with their worth as a man. I wonder if you could address that issue - what a wonderful man and provider he is, ring or no ring, if that might help him see what he is making the ring represent.

On a peronal note:I got my real engagement ring 10 years after the fact when we could finally afford the sort of wonderful old Victorian ring we wanted. I had a very simple one that cost 80$ up to that point and was perfectly happy. My husband, a pastry chef, had his wedding ring tatooed on his right arm since he can't wear the real one at work. Rings come in all shapes and forms, it's the commitment that counts.

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No, you are not wrong. That is alot of money and time of day, but that is money that will be needed for the baby.
Have him look at Kohl's. They have a nice, certified engagement rings, and if you get it at the right time you can save big bucks.

Also, what about pawn shops? There are a ton of nice engagement rings and wedding bands at pawn shops.

1 mom found this helpful

Why don't you look at rings you like & the price your ok with. My BF & I just started looking we've been together for 8 years (we make 9 this year) & hv a 20 month old dtr. I let him know I'd rather spend the $ on our family then the ring- But I would like a ring pls :)
Keep letting him know what you want & how you feel, But don't stress too much.

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I would sit down and talk about your thoughts and his feelings on the whole subject. A payment on a ring isn't that much when it is averaged out over a while. Saving money for possible costs with a new baby is rather ambiguous. It is a random amount that can be high or low. You guys need to look at planning a budget that will give you some piece of mind.

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Would it be possible for you guys to get a ring that is a CZ for now and have it plated with white gold while you organize your finances properly? My man and I also knew that I would be taking at least the first year off work so we made sure we were prepared for the baby with purchases, as well as things we would need like a washer/dryer (no laundry mat with baby), a decent camera and a decent computer - things we would not have access to since our roomates were moving out. We prioritized our needs and bought the things we knew we were not going to be able to buy once baby got here. We got new cellphones, updated a few appliances we wanted etc. We did not go crazy by anymeans and we had a nice savings acct for the year and his income covered our monthly costs mine was just "gravy" so if you are in that kind of position then get the ring if not then get a less expensive version of what you would like. My girlfriend got the setting she wanted with the accent diamonds, the white gold etc and they placed a cz diamond with the cut and size she wanted, then for their wedding (longish engagement) he said he was taking the ring in for cleaning but really he had the stone replaced. It was so romantic and sweet - he had been saving his own mad money the entire time so he could by it. So those are some options or suggestions for you. My ring cost about the same but I had a few issues, due to my ring size it had to be custom made and I am not a diamonds girl so it took finding a good jewler that worked with a good gemologist that knew what they were doing!

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I wish to echo what Glo T said about getting an inexpensive ring. Our circumstances were different (no deployment) but we didn't have extra money to spend. Together we chose a simple (and tiny) wedding/engagement ring set for $400. We thought we could always "upgrade" later when we could afford it. Well, 21 years later, I'm still wearing the set. We've had plenty of ability to pick a new set since we got married, but in the end I decided to keep what I have. It reminds me of where we came from, how far we've come together, and that the most important thing is our marriage and not the bling in my finger. He has bought me other jewelry or anniversaries, etc. But I insist on keeping my very modest set. Even if many others I know are covered in bling. It's what matters to me that counts.

Marriage, even under ideal circumstances, is tough enough, but if you start it off with financial anxieties (you both seem to have different priorities in this case) that REALLY Makes it a challenge. Hopefully you can explain your point of view. And maybe later on you can upgrade of that's what you want.

Best wishes to you, your fiancé and child.

I would never spend that much on a ring (Or let my boyfriend spend that much on the ring), especially when money is tight. I picked out a beautiful ring from Kay's that's around $700, and I personally think that that is still too much for a piece of jewelry (I grew up a poor farm girl... Who am I kidding? I am still a poor farm girl, Lol). However, my boyfriend assures me that it's not (Though he still hasn't gotten me the ring yet...).

Skip the ring! Or get one that isn't 3K.

When my daughter's boyfriend/fiance found out he was going to be deployed he wanted to move up the wedding date in case anything happened to him so she would be taken care of. They had originally planned to be married almost 2 years later and had barely started saving any money for the wedding or rings yet. They could not afford an expensive engagement ring either. But he insisted she had to have a ring. She picked out a very pretty ring that costs about $100. She said it was the thought that counted not the cost. They have been happily married 3 years now (thankfully nothing happened to him while he was deployed) and she still loves that "little ring". To her, it's the Hope Diamond!

Congrats! I didn't read through all the responses, but I don't think you're crazy. If you and he still want a ring though, you have a few options. First, you could get a lab created diamond, like they sell on QVC, called Diamonique. To me, it's impossible to tell the difference unless maybe you're a gemologist. I have a few of their rings just for fun, and I get compliments. On the few occasions I've told people they're not real, they're surprised. Another option is for you to get a tiny diamond. And a third option, which is what I did, is to go for an antique ring. My engagement ring is beautiful, isn't tiny and I get tons of compliments. My ring is WWII era, illusion setting, white gold. I love it. I think it cost $1200??? Around there. We checked out antique jewelry stores, and they were all so pricey. Ended up getting the ring at a coin shop that also sells antique jewelry. To get an idea of styles and settings, you could Google, or check ebay. But if you go this route, shop around, because you really shouldn't have to pay much. I LOVE antique rings! Good luck!

I am totally with you. A gorgeous ring is nice, but it's SOOOO non-essential. There are about a zillion things I'd prioritize over it (even beyond money for a baby, including a college fund for the baby, retirement fund for yourselves, etc.). I would get a moissonite ring -- it's a man-made stone that looks just like diamond (it's actually a little more brilliant) and most jewelers can't even tell that it's not diamond. It's about 1/4 the price of diamond, I believe, and you don't have to worry about it being a blood diamond.

I know that it may be a pride thing for your boyfriend to get a certain look in a ring, but if you go with a moissonite ring you can get a gorgeous one without spending too much.

Remember, ALL an engagement ring is is a symbol of your intention to get married. All a wedding ring is is a symbol of the fact that you are married. They're nice to have, but what actually matters is your MARRIAGE and your family.