Emotional Child - Salt Lake City,UT

Over-tired and hungry= these are major triggers for a child.
Feed him snacks. Let him graze.
Have him nap and get enough sleep.

Kids, in school, often do not eat or they don't eat much. Then they come home... and they are HUNGRY or have low-blood sugar. This creates moodiness and they can't contain their temper or have ZERO patience. Meanwhile, they worked ALL day, hard, in school. They come home and are wiped out, mentally/emotionally and physically.
Let him deflate once he comes home.
Don't make demands on him, right away.
Let him just veg and unwind. Give him a snack. To keep his blood-sugar levels even keeled.

My Daughter, can be like that. Ever since she started preschool and is now in 3rd Grade. I know her rhythms now.

Triggers are triggers... you cannot negotiate it or debate it or talk them out of it, once they are already triggered by hunger or tiredness. You need to feed them or have them rest/nap.
Or it exacerbates their emotions like a Domino effect, and will ripple and get worse. And then anything you say or do, will just fatigue them MORE mentally and they are already at the end of their rope.

you might want to check out the book "Temperament Tools" by Helen Neville - she describes how to tailor discipline to suit a child's temperament because as you've seen, sometimes a tactic that works well with one child will seem to escalate behavior in another. http://www.temperamenttools.com/index.html

Also, the "What to do kids guides" books by Dawn Huebner might be good ones to read with him - they're books that use analogies to help kids come up with strategies for dealing with big feelings like big worries (http://www.amazon.com/What-When-You-Worry-Much/dp/1591473...)

Also it's not uncommon for kids who have "big" feelings to hold themselves together at school and then let it all hang out when they reach the safe environment of their own home (it's true in our household).

I have four kids and one of my sons seems to be very similar to yours. He was over the top even as a baby and over time I think I have discovered a few ways to teach him to take it down a notch.

First, with him, I learned pretty early on that he is a very scheduled, routined, black and white person. Basically if we typically eat lunch at 11:15, we cannot vary or he will start getting VERY worked up and emotional about everything. If he and his brother are playing and part of the game takes a turn that he did not have laid out in his mind, he flips out. If his shoe laces are not even he will stop until we can fix it. All silly little things but very important to him. We have learned that gray areas will trigger his emotions. So you are right in paying attention to your son's triggers. You cannot protect him from all of them as he needs to learn to work with all situations in life but then again, you can't be cruel and disrespect his needs either. There is a middle-ground that you can get to as you work with him.

Second, I am very stern with time out. Each of our kids have their own spot they are sent to when they are not behaving properly. I know you said you have tried time out before, but once I read your result, I was wondering if maybe the time out was a bit loose. We do not call it "time out" at our house, we have a special spot for each kid, e.g. my emotional guys spot is the living room couch so we just call it the couch. When our kids act inappropriately we physically take them to their spot, give a brief explanation as to why they are there and leave. If they get up, we go back and put them in the spot again and leave, no words. When my son was younger, he could sit and carry on out there forEVER! It was very hard to bear, but the whole family knew that he was to be there undisturbed until he was done. Once he was done, I would go in and talk to him about why he was there, he would say sorry, we hug, it's over. This technique, if consistent, and you don't spend time trying to talk him out of a tantrum, works amazing. The key is to do the same thing every time no matter what. I have seen my friends try to reason with their kids or just ignore them and it just doesn't teach them to correct the behavior. You tell them, sit them in time out, get them when they have calmed down. I can assure you, my son has major saying power and throw a fit for the longest time but this technique has worked and he now has learned to calm down nearly right away and ask for me to come get him, we do apologies and we are done. He very rarely throws a tantrum ever anymore (he just turned 5, his worse ages were end of three through middle of 4).

I have not found that ignoring works that well. Every time one of my kids acts in a way that I do not find acceptable, I instantly correct it and if need be send them to their spot. I do not give the opportunity to negotiate, or go into a lot of detail, it just doesn't work. The best is, get in, get out, act upon what needs to be corrected swiftly and CONSISTENTLY.

I hope this helps, it sure worked with us.

Good luck.

Another couple of book recommendations - "Raising Your Spirited Child" and "Positive Discipline."

What I really like about the PD book is that it gets into reasons behind misbehavior. Often with kids it's for attention, which is what the idea of "time out" is based on - remove the negative attention, reduce the undesired behavior. Your son sounds like my middle child though, whose misbehavior is triggered by a strong need for control. He is also very intense - he will literally be combative, punching a sibling in the head but then when he gets disciplined for fighting, will sob himself to sleep because I hurt his feelings by being angry with him and making him stop fighting.

Appealing to his need for control has been very helpful. The theme of his discipline isn't "you'll do this because I'm in charge and those are the rules and you will obey them," which does nothing but intensify and escalate the situation, but more "you are the only one who controls you. Making the right decisions about your behavior is entirely up to you. We have rules and you can choose to follow them and have privileges (like being able to play with his siblings) or break them and lose privileges (by going into his room to be by himself). You are in charge of you and as you get older, I trust that it will be easier for you to make the right decisions more often."

I also work with him on expressing emotions appropriately. If he does OK in school, then it sounds like he's just losing it at home so you have half the battle won right there. You just have to be calm (which is so hard I know!) and consistent. It's OK to...(punch a pillow, flop on your bed, say "I'm so angry," cry, laugh, run around, etc.) but it's not OK to...(say mean things, hurt anyone, hurt yourself, etc.). There's another book called The Kadzin Method for Parenting Your Defiant Child which is also excellent. It would show you how to literally set up a reward chart for the appropriate expression of behavior. You would practice how he's going to react the next time a trigger situation comes up (for example, a sibling plays with one of his toys without permission but he gets in trouble for just taking it away without asking, which he thinks is unfair) and reward him for getting the reaction "right" in practice and in real life. This way it's not all about what he's NOT supposed to do (no hitting, no taking a toy out of your brother's hand, no slamming doors, no falling on the floor and having a tantrum) but more about what you want him to do (ask a parent to intervene, walk away, say I'm angry).

At the end of the day, you can't make him feel less intensely, you can only help him process those feelings in a way that doesn't overwhelm him and behave appropriately even when his deep feelings are triggered.

I should add that my intense child is in first grade and can write. His new reaction of choice is to go to his room when he's upset and write me hate letters (dear MOM I HATE YOU you are so mean and unfair to me how could you be so mean to me I will never love you again!!!!!! Your angry son, Jacob). I think I'm going to save them and make a scrapbook to give back to him someday. Hopefully he'll see the humor someday!

My youngest is very similar to your son, and he is 7. We have slowly helped him to learn to manage his emotions over the years. A book that has helped us to understand him better is Living with Intensity. It deals with the intense emotions that many gifted children have. I teach AP classes and see this often with gifted teenagers. Anyway, the book has been very helpful; we use it as a reference book, and pull it out from time to time to revisit how to deal with different issues. I found it to be incredibly interesting, and it helped me to stop and see the world from a different perspective. You may want to check it out.

http://www.myrollercoasterkid.com/

great page!

Hi--
If you look at other answers I've given you'll see I always go down an alternative path. First, let me say that my background is working with emotionally and behaviorally challenged kids, and my two kids are both highly sensitive--so I understand where you are coming from both as a professional and as a Mom. Throughout my experiences I have learned some tricks that are unusual but work fantastically.
With that said, here's my advice. 1. You need to keep strong boundaries for your little guy. If you know his triggers do your best to avoid them (obviously). Help him keep a schedule (as well as you can while mothering two other kids). Prepare him for change by giving him five minute warnings, telling him what's coming next, etc.
2. Validate his feelings and help him name them. When he is melting down give him words like "You are feeling angry right now....or frustrated...or hurt. Google feeling faces--they are pictures of what your face looks like during different emotions. This will help him identify what he is feeling and put a name to it. Sometimes the tantrums result from an inability to communicate his feelings effectively.
3. When he gets so over-whelmed he needs help to calm down. At his age he's still a little too young to expect him to completely calm himself. Put him in a "hug" hold where you hold his arms and sit him in your lap. Let him struggle against you to get his emotions out and keep repeating to him, "I love you and I'm keeping you safe right now. Please take a deep breath. I'll help you calm down." With your assistance he will learn how to calm himself down--but first he needs to be shown how to do it. He might tell you you're hurting him--as long as your hold isn't too tight don't worry about that. Physical pressure actually helps calm the nervous system down--this is why it works.
4. Check out Bach's flower remedy called rescue remedy---give this to him anytime he's starting to melt down.
5. Be aware of what you are feeding him. If he's this sensitive emotionally he is probably sensitive physically as well. Avoid any chemicals in his food--especially things like sodium nitrate and nitrite, MSG (monosodium glutamate), anything hydrolyzed (also a form of MSG), any type of food dye (red dye #5 is one of the worst) and genetically modified foods (all soy and corn and most wheat is genetically modified unless it is labeled organic). All of these chemicals have been shown in studies to cause hyper-activity and emotional sensitivity in children. ALSO, if he has any type of food or environmental allergy/sensitivity one of the symptoms of that sensitivity is often wild emotions--especially anger. If you've never had him tested for allergies, other signs that this could be the problem include digestive disturbances like constipation (not going at least once every day), frequent diarrhea, lots of spitting up as a baby or any type of reflux, frequent ear infections, swollen tonsils with no apparent illness, any type of rash including eczema, puffy and/or dark circles under the eyes, constant post-nasal drip or sneezing. If he has these symptoms I can assist you in what your next steps need to be.

I have some other ideas as well, but I think this is enough to get you started. If you have questions about what I've written I'm happy to talk to you about it further.
Good luck!
J.

To help with the hungry part do you carry snacks/pediasure type things with you that he can consume in the car on the way home? My sister did this with her daughter on the way home from day care and it was a help. When he gets home give him 30 min of a cartoon/down time to relax see if that helps at all.

Hi BB - boy does your son sound like my oldest! One thing that you might consider is that this is a "sensory processing" issue and there are some specific techniques that you can use to help your son. One of the clues for me is when you said he does the behaviors mostly at home and when he is overly tired, hungry, etc. and that the tantrums can last a really long time.

You've probably heard about the "emotional bank account"? Think of all the input your son receives in a day or a week as deposits and withdrawals. Some of the inputs may have no effect of your sensory bank account but they might be making a big withdrawal in his. As an example - think of your son's preschool classroom. It probably has lots of pictures, art, classroom helps etc all over every wall. We could walk in and filter a lot of that out automatically - my son would notice everything and it would hit him all at once. He would be happy but it would take some work on his part to focus on tasks, the teachers, etc. By the time he got home, he had fun but he was worn out so if something as simple as his freezerpop broke in half, it might be a major melt down.

We put him on a "sensory diet" which basically means that he gets some significant deep muscle inputs all throughout the day to make deposits into his sensory bank acct. Tantrums happen when his balance is negative. Not all input is created equal - some of it is helps him to keep his emotional world in order and some disorders it. Screen time (TV/Computer) and loud chaotic environments are disordering. Exercise is definitely helpful in ordering him, especially impact exercise. Play games where he hops like a bunny from the car to the door of the store. Let him jump on a mini-tramp you have at home or ride on a jumping ball. Let him push and pull heavy things (safely of course). At the playground encourage him to climb or hang on the rings and try to pull himself up. Take him to your local bouncy house place and let him climb and squirm and slide for 30 minutes. Push him on a swing for 15 minutes a day. Teach him how to dribble a basketball. Do the wagon-walk where he walks on his hands while you hold his feet. Pull out your yoga ball and have him use that instead of a chair at the computer or give him a heavy ball (1-2lbs) to play with while he's watching tv. My son also enjoyed our homemade messy table. Basically a plastic tub with a lid that I would put rice into along with shovels and cups and little toys to search for.

Hopefully you get the idea of what I mean. It's fairly easy to do a web search on sensory diet and you'll find lots of other ideas and charts, etc. You'll see references to "sensory processing disorder" but dont get nervous about that. My son falls somewhere in the category of "hyper-sensitive". An occupational therapist could have worked with him but would have done many of the same exercises we were able to do at home. On a normal day, we had him do at least 5 "ordering" exercises. If he was going to have a big day go to a big birthday party, he would do more. So throughout the day, he might jump on the trampoline 50x3, jog 2x around the cul-de-sac. Play a game or two of hopscotch or jumprope. Swing at the playground for 10-15 minutes and do some rounds on the monkey bars.

My son just turned 9 and is doing great. He rarely has any big meltdowns any more and we deal with them like we always have - just like you are doing - encourage him to head to his room and "take some time out to work it out" He is definitely better when he is playing a sport than when he's not so I think activity is going to always be important for him.

I hope that helps you - I'd be interested in hearing back from you if you feel like any of the exercises are making a difference.

Kids are all different, but they can all follow the house rules. Including "no tantrums" My first was very emotional and weepy. My 3rd was an angry rager. My second was never a tantrummer, but a whiner. You never want to "not allow feelings" but it is perfectly OK to discipline tantrums and whining effectively enough to be effective (time outs rarely work). It actually frees your child up to be MORE expressive when they are not melting down at very little thing and wallowing in the self inflicted grief as long as they want to. To us that's just practice in wrong behavior rather than practice in handling emotions and moving forward. Mine all learned to control the tantrums and keep a brave face-even when tired and hungry. They may get weepy if they're severely tired, but they won't act out, and I rarely let that happen anyway. With the early maturity this builds, we are able to give them lots of nurturing and listening and comforting for real emotions, and they're able to shake off the "pointless fits" at a warning and not dwell in them. The book Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson has great tantrum discipline which does stop the behavior. The amount of consistency depends on the child's nature, but they will stop tantrumming and still keep their sensitive nature in tact.