Even while asking this, I suspect that this is a sign that my husband is beginning a low phase of his mild bipolar depression and is somewhat irrational, but this comes up often enough that it's worth seeking your collective input. Does anyone else have a spouse who frequently sees your children in a negative light? My husband will frequently go on a rant about how our kids are "out of control" and we "need to crack down" and "their behavior is awful" and they "violate rules with impunity" and "have no regard for authority" or will say things like "do you really think that what you do to them qualifies as discipline? They have no consequence and nothing we do works for any of them" or "we're raising liars and thieves and you don't even care and won't do anything about it."
In the meantime, what I see is kids who push age-appropriate boundaries and test things (and suffer consequences as a result when warranted) and who are h*** o* each other the way siblings usually are when they are at home. Outside of the house, we really do get nice, unsolicited, positive feedback on our kids all the time, as I'm sure that many of you do too. I hear from other adults that they are polite, funny, personable, helpful, and always welcome in their home/class/volunteer group/team. They frequently get invited for play dates and overnights, and have no discipline issues at school or anywhere else. They're not perfect, but outside of the house, I am generally proud of the way that they carry themselves and to me, character is how kids behave when they're out of the sight of their parents.
At home, they are less angelic. The 6 and 8 year old bicker and fight and compete and tattle all day, but will curl up and sleep in the same bed at night. My 14-year-old SD keeps to herself and gives us an occasional huffy sigh and eye roll but does what she's asked to do (baby-sit, mow the lawn, cook, clean the bathroom etc.) without complaint. My 14-year-old son needs lots of reminders to do chores, homework, not fight with his brothers, call home when he's out etc. and he's definiely immature and has to work on impulse control but at the end of day, he also does what he's asked and does what he needs to do for school.
I don't think I'm being defensive or unrealistic when bristling at what my husband says (and he says this to me, not them) - I really think we're doing a decent job of raising good kids. The job is far from over, and there is always room for improvement and new challenges come up all the time, but isn't that what parenting is all about?
So...do you and your spouse have widely differing views on how good a job you are doing as parents and what kind of people your children are? If your kids are grown, was one of you more right than the other? How do you find middle ground with this?
Add some violence and insults in there and ya have my bipolar husband. Swears he loves the kids... but never has anything nice to say about them. He doesnt care if they hear him either. Mine are almost grown in the physical sense at least LOL. I never got/get anywhere with my spouse.
I know I am not much help =(
well my boy friend expects all 3 of my kids to be 'perfect' or in other words 'not to be kids'. However idc what he thinks, I know in my heart they are great kids , with awesome kid problems, and kids that were a lot like I was when I was a kid!!!! I never let him get to me. Its like his way of making me feel bad for something im actually doing right and my best at. Your husband is wrong. hold your head hella high lady. Do not let him down grade the kids when you know its not true. Maybe your husband is miserable and trying to take the attention off himself. miserable and depressed people do that. When he says they act horrible. Say nope sorry they dont ! At least thats my view. i got my man trained now. he doesnt say a peep anymore.
The whole question is colored by the opening line that your husband is bipolar. Does he just take medication or does he also get therapy regularly? Have you and he ever been to couples therapy or counseling together? Your kids sound perfectly normal and not like kids who need a crackdown, but is there a chance that in a bipolar low, your husband could decide on his own to do some cracking down? That could have nasty results that the kids won't forget and won't excuse just because dad has a mental illness. I have seen a friend who is bipolar do some very seriously out-of-control and irrational things when she wasn't properly medicated, and it would be bad if your husband decided he needed to act and somehow tried to discipline your kids when he is not totally rational about it. (I'm not indicating anything physical here, just noting that he could really alienate them if he screams at them etc.) I would consider talking to his therapist or talking to one together. He does not have any realistic perspective on his own kids right now.
LOTS of kids, are "angelic" and perfect outside the home and at school. But at home, they let their hair down. And vent. And have moods. And fight. And may bicker. And they are "human" at home... not robots and not perfect.
It is not only your kids, that are this way.
No human, can be PERFECT 24/7, much less kids.
Imagine yourself... what if, you ALWAYS had to be perfect and there was ALWAYS someone looking over your shoulder and judging you and lecturing you and basically telling you all the time, that you are not doing things good enough nor perfect enough nor well enough? And that, you were always punished or scolded for every little thing, that was wrong... even if you were not necessarily wrong or terrible at???
Would YOU be happy????
But this is a kids' life, everyday.
They go to school... and are spot on or have to be. Then they come home, and have to be spot-on there, too. They can never vent or unravel or deflate or be anything, at home. They have to be perfect everywhere all the time. Even at home.
So sometimes, kids just act out, or they cease to even try anymore. Because, they get no "respite" for their efforts.
And NO kid, is perfect at home.
Children are not robots.
Your kids are NOT unusual.
They sound very normal and typical.
Your Husband, seems not aware of what a child is.
If your Husband wants something to control and do whatever he wants, then he should get a pet dog.
Kids are humans.
And kids need a parent, not just to order them around.
They need, to bond with their parents and have a relationship with them.
NO matter what age.
Ugh. Sounds like my ex.
Yes, my husband has had a different view of the kids than I do, although it is much less extreme than your husband at this time. In the past, he has made a few of the comments your husband has made. That was a very trying time for our family!
Here is what I see, with my family: My husband works 9-5ish, so he is around the kids in the evenings, when we are all typically worn out. During the day, my 4 year old will be good as gold. Especially if it is just me and her, during the school year when the older kids are at school all day. We would go all day without a single problem, and I would tell him all about the wonderful day we had, and he would look at me like I was making it all up, because when HE is around (and the other kids as well), she is a lot crankier, has more fits, and can be difficult. Suddenly she has to share Mom with 3 other people!
Also, younger children can be so attached at Mom's hip. All my kids went through a stage from maybe 1-4 where they did not want anything to do with Dad. They just want Mom. Dad's requests for hugs are met with crying and refusal...that kind of thing. I have heard other families describe the same thing. I think this is really hard for Dads and discolors their view.
What kind of quality time is your husband getting with your kids? I ask this because in my personal experience, my husband's view of our kids was a lot more negative when he was not getting very much bonding time with them. I think he heard all the praise from me but he was not experiencing it firsthand. He was not getting the hugs and love from the kids. He was not spending fun time with them. He was basically coming home from work and dealing with cranky fighting kids at night but dealing with them from the couch. He was not getting any of the "good stuff" that makes parenting enjoyable. (And he was being a big baby! Because I truly think he was waiting for the kids to make the first move, instead of going out there and being a Dad and showing them he loved rather than asking for a hug and then being a butt all night when he didn't get one!)
Anyway, I kicked his butt about this. We had a very serious discussion and things have really turned around. He has gone on a few "dates" one on one with the kids. He has joined us at the park. We have had a few family movie nights. Just has been more involved. It is amazing how fast the kids have glommed on to this. During the day, they will talk about how much they miss Dad. They want to hug and kiss him and snuggle. They request activities with him. I think they had thought he just was not interested in them and so they just kindof ignored him...which is very sad. He has positive things to say about them. Since he is joining us in public, and can see how other children behave in public, it is easier for him to agree that, yes, the kids are pretty well behaved in comparison ;).
Sorry this is so long. If any of the above resonates, I would suggest having a talk with him. Couples counseling may help. I would also suggest a joint parenting class. It sounds like he wants to have more of a parenting plan in place, which is great. You two should be a team. And beside that, if he attends a parenting class, perhaps he will learn more about what makes kids tick and what is normal behavior for them.
I do believe my spouse and I have different views on how are children act. My kids are 4 and 6 plus I have my 14 year old sister and 17 year old brother living with us. My 4 and 6 year old fight all the time but there are times that they like you said at the end of the night cuddle up in bed and watch a movie! They do act out sometimes (which I do get frustrated) but I just try to remind my self that they are kids. Their dad (the 4 and 6 year olds) which he doesnt spend nearly as much time as I do with them because of his work schedule but when he does its like all he does is fuss and yell at them. I try to tell him that if maybe he gave them some more positive feedback when they do something good or helpful he wouldnt be fussing at them all the time. I mean in a day I hear him fuss, yell, or threat a punishment more than I ever hear him compliment them or praise them for good behavior. I try to talk to him about it but then thats starts a fuss between us and he thinks I'm calling him a bad dad but thats not it at all. If he would just relax and let them be kids as long as their not hurting themselves or other people him and the kids would be a lot happier. Because it seems nothing positive comes oout of his mouth I notice my kids come to me for everything and don't have much to do with him and then he gets upset but like I said I think that has to do with him not saying or showing them when they do good things. With my brother and sister that live with us their pretty good kids. They are at the age that they know living with me is a lot better than where they use to be so they do pretty good by following the ground rules we set. There has been times that when they do get in trouble that I am the one that takes care of it because my boyfriend thinks I should since I'm their sister. I don't really think this is true, it is his house to and then makes me out to be the bad guy in every situation and him the one they go talk to when they have problems instead of it being both of us.
My husband and I are the opposite - in my husbands mind our kids can do no wrong and he rarely disciplines, let them stay up till 'they' decide to fall asleep, etc. My kids are 2.5 and 5.5. When I discipline or tell the kids to speak inside voices etc. I can see him out of the corner of my eye rolling his eyes at me as if 'hey they are just kids'. We were at a restaurant last week with about 13 other family members - my son was being very loud and bouncy (he's my 5 year old) - I have to say also that my son was once diagnosed PDD-NOS and later ADHD (both are still 'on the fence' diagnosis but still - he has some self control issues we deal with)........so, I told him sternly to calm down and sit nicely or we'd have to leave. My husband did his eye roll and 'hhmmpphh' due to this.
I am not a highly strict person but I do believe children must be taught manners, etc. while my husband thinks somehow they will learn it on their own. Interesting as before we had kids he'd always talk about 'kids these days' not being respectful and he'd raise kids with respect so I ask him a lot - 'how exactly are you teaching them respect by letting them run the show?'
When our son was a toddler was the hardest time for my husband.
He just wasn't familiar with what typical toddler development is like.
Since I was the drop off / pick up person for day care - I saw a lot more of how other toddlers were acting and it just made me all the more grateful for the minimal meltdown situations our son had from time to time.
My husband remembers being raised with a different style than what we are using with our son - he was on his own for a lot of things starting in kindergarten.
It's like they had him and then forgot him.
I tell him how I think his parents really rather neglected him and I'm really kind of mad at them for what they put him through.
Now that our son's in middle school and a teen (13) - he and Dad are really relating much better than when our son was younger.
My kids are so young... but my husband is easily frustrated. He gets mad if our toddler makes a mess while eating. And if she's the slightest bit fussy he acts like all hell has broken loose. I just tell him to hush. He only sees our girls a few hours a day except for the weekend.
lol, not funny actually, but we got in the car for a 3 hr drive last weekend, and dd whined that she couldn't buckle the kids sleeping bags were packed in around them, instead of him getting out of the drivers seat and helping her, he is huffing and sort of yelling at her, so i wiggle myself out from under all the stuff on my lap and around my feet and go help her, we actually pull out of the drive way and DS pipes up with hey sis that's my magazine and Dh goes crazy why are you fighting blah blah blah.
Try getting off your butt and parenting, and try being a little understanding that kids are going to whine sometimes. I"m not saying you need to listen to it for twenty minutes, but you also don't teach them not to whine by screaming at them.
So to answer your question, My hubby thrives on the compliments we get from others, so he knows I have done a good job, but he also has zero tolerance for any less than perfect behavior while modeling very poor behavior himself.
tahnks for the vent.
my dh and i were generally pretty much on board with each other.
in a situation like yours, can you meet in the middle? maybe allow that he is seeing some things that you DON'T see when you're with them more, and he can concede that you have a different perspective as the more hands-on parent?
it's only a problem if the kids are getting different messages and discipline tactics from each parent. my BIL and SIL have very different parenting techniques, and always fight about it. the result is a disaster, a brilliant child who is a nightmare to be around.
it doesn't sound as if that's the case with your guys.
do you have widely different views when his bipolar disorder isn't flaring up?
khairete
S.
J B,
I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that YOU are the O. that is with the kids the most, disciplines the most and interacts with them the most. (Not a slam to your husband, just guessing about your daily routines.)
It's always easier to criticize what someone else DOES than to do it yourself, so I think what you're describing is fairly common among the less frequent parent!
My ex and I were always at odd with this. He ignored the "small stuff," but would flip the heck out if the kids got out of control, not understanding that stopping the small stuff is what will keep the kids from GETTING out of control.
I snuff out any little disrespect/backtalk/eyerolling. It leads to bigger, worse things. Always.
These days, my fiancee are on the same sheet all the way. But, I do find that, generally, dads are less patient with kids than moms. Not in MY case, but in watching other parenting dynamics, that seems to be the way of things.
