I hope this doesn't sound awful, but I have been struggling with this for awhile...
My middle is 5. He's the same birth sign as me (Gemini) and I absolutely adore him. He's bright, funny, sweet, loving. But a good portion of the time, we are butting heads. Big time.
He absolutely takes pure satisfaction and joy trying to tick me off. My husband sees it, my mom and sister, my best friends. There are so many examples I could go for days but I'll try to hit as much as I can.
If I tell the youngest, "No you can't play in the water (outside) right now because it's lunch time, bath, whatever my reason, the next thing I know he'll (middle son) will come downstairs in his swim trunks and try to head out the door.
If I'm trying to talk on the phone briefly, or to my husband about something and he is being extra noisy, I will stop and ask "Could you please keep your voice down? I am trying to talk w/ so and so..." He'll immediately start blurting out a fake high pitched laugh while staring at me. And when I say "Since you're choosing not to listen you can go to your room for a T.O" and he'll tell us I was laughing at the dog mom.....
He'll ask the SAME question, five times just worded slightly different each time.
Anytime I talk to anyone in the house, including the dogs he wants to know who was I talking to, what did they do, why this, why that. If I get on the phone, same deal. He'll make as much as noise as possible. We have gone over and over not interrupting and he gets consequences but it doesn't matter. I am consistent too.
He DOES get attention. He DOES get a lot of positive reinforcement, even though sometimes Im screaming inside thinking of all the button pushing he does! And when I am making a really sincere effort to get him alone and spend one on one with him, he complains or again picks at me to see how long it will take to get me mad.
Last night, I won't get in to detail, but I was trying to have fun with the little ones and let them do some fun things we don't always do. Popped popcorn, let them in our big soaker jetted tub and was playing the radio having fun. They started splashing a LOT and the floors and walls were getting soaked. I nicely asked, could we try to not splash so much? Water was everywhere soaking the whole floor. He looks me dead in the eye, and jumps as high as he can, and makes the biggest splash he could in the water. I pulled him and had a talk with him about it where he said that Yes, he does do things like that to try and get me mad. When I asked him why he said he didn't know. I did explain that his actions make me feel pretty sad sometimes because I really want to have fun with him and laugh, not get upset. And this is just the TIP TIP TIP of the iceburg. I understand they test their boundaries, but this is like the defiant 2 yr old phase all over again. He is sooooo STUBBORN.
Ideas here? I do adore him, I truly do. But it is so hard feeling like he'd rather get me angry, then enjoy having a good time and experiences. He and my husband get along pretty well, until they are together for a few days w/ no break.....
He is in KG this year. And I do not have this problem NEARLY as much w/ my other two. Not even close.
Not sure how giving him choices would help in this specific situation. He DOES get choices. You interrupt me, you go to your room. We explained that a long time ago, now there's no discussion. But he continues to do it.Then throws a major meltdown fit in his room. Taking away everything under the sun from him doesn't work either..He chooses not to eat dinner, fine. He gets nothing for the rest of the evening. And there's no second chances on that either. I don't hold his plate for hours waiting for him to change his mind, because that became the SAME battle hours later when he still didn't want what I had made.
I have three boys, and my middle one who is seven is just like this. We have exactly the same problem. We have a consistent discipline technique. Smacking doesn't work. It just doesn't. It can be a very frustrating situation. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.
To answer your question, my oldest son and I have nothing in common except a sense of humor. Thank God for laughter. There are no similarities in how we look, act, think, approach the world, maintain relationships, etc. I often don't understand him and he can drive me insane. The bulk of my growth as a parent has come from trying to understand him - how he ticks, what motivates and de-motivates him, what his idea of a reward is, etc. I have more in common with my step-daughter, and we're not even related. One of my other sons is like a carbon copy of me and that's no picnic either (we're too similar) but at least with him, I understand what he's thinking when he's pushing my buttons.
I think that in a situation like yours, a few sessions with a family therapist can help tease out some of the family dynamics and give you some tools to better address this problem. You could be (and it sounds like you are) applying textbook parenting techniques that *should* work, but aren't. You sound loving, attentive, and intelligent. Rather than chalk it up to personality differences and resign yourself to living with this dynamic that is ultimately draining and unrewarding to all of you, I think that having a third party take a look at things with a fresh perspective might yield helpful information that can help you achieve the peace and harmony you desire.
A friend and I were discussion personality clashes yesterday! We each have one super easy kid we just get along with, and one kid that we are always seemingly at war with. We love them both the same, but something is just so different with the relationship that it is hard...and always filled with conflict.
I do agree, though, with the others. Your son is being disobedient. It does come with his age (my fighting child is 5.5 going on 15). I've found that she is more agreeable the tighter I tighten the rope. Any sassing or backtalk or second questioning? She immediately loses electronics. Hubby didn't think it would work, but last night, she started pestering me about something, and I reminded her that if she asked again, she'd lose computer time, and she immediately walked away. If my daughter would have jumped into the tub like your son, i'd immediately pull her out of it and make her go to her room while letting everyone else have fun. Antisocial behavior gets you put into your room alone. I'd also maybe tell her she couldn't join in the next time. In our house, if you do not cooperate while doing X, there is no X for a set period of time.
When your child is deliberately disobedient as your son is obviously being, it sounds to me like he needs a spanking. Some kids push limits further than others will and require a firmer hand.
My kid and I are totally opposite. I'm quiet and introverted. She's loud, extroverted and treats everyone she meets like family. If my daughter ever looked me right in the face and did the exact opposite of what I JUST asked her to do or not do... oh heaven help her. The earth would stop. The moment would be frozen in time for a brief second, just long enough for her to realize she just messed up pretty bad before I dropped the mom bomb on her.
She's had this happen a couple of times and now all I need to do if she throws attitude is give her a look of disapproval and she knows she's about to cross a line.
For some kids, time outs work great. For other kids, they need their butts handed to them on a platter. I wouldn't put up with what you're putting up with. It's unacceptable.
I have one of those, but he's my eldest. Oh man he is the funniest, brightest kid ever, but WOW, some days....... In our case we are very similar, and he is just a really strong willed hyper kid. I talked to the pediatrician and since he has calmed down so much in the last couple yrs she feels confident that he will grow out of the massive hyperness :). I always try to remember that he is the way he is for a reason and it's my job to shepherd him to the fulfillment of that reason. I was hyper as a kid too, but not as an adult. But now I am very friendly, I'll talk to anybody, and I am pretty fearless about whatever I want to do. So I am just hangin' in there to see what ALL this stored energy produces! Good luck, you are not alone! I too have sopped up drenched bathrooms :)
A friend of mine, has a son like that.
And she is a wicked smart outside the box thinker, and Mom. And she loves all her kids the same. And she did not treat that son any different than her other kids. But that son was a totally different being.
And he drove her nuts and he would do things to her on purpose etc.
Just like your son.
Well, so they took him to a Therapist. She and her Husband.
And it seems to have helped.
He called it his "thinking Doctor." He would tell me "I'm went to my thinking Doctor today..." and he had no hang ups about it. He knew EXACTLY why, he was going.
To help him think... and act better.
My friend's son, was about 5-6 years old, when the parents got a Therapist to help their son.
Anyway, at a certain point... it is no longer cute nor funny nor acceptable.
And there is NO excuse for it.
At all.
At it is reckless. Of the kid.
I had to laugh reading your post because I can just picture your situation. I think you are doing just fine with him. Some kids are just extremely stubborn and drive you crazy. Keep being consistent with him. I see my daughter dealing with her middle son, also five and doing much the same thing, and I can say that sometimes she tries to hard to let him not be in trouble (if that makes sense). I sometimes think he is asking for her to draw a firmer line with him and she sees it as she is being the big, bad witch with him all the time. I hate to say but it probably is not going to change anytime soon. The good thing is that those super stubborn kids turn out to be really strong adults.
How about seeing if he'll be your helper. When my kids use to drive me nuts I'd make the offender my personal buddy. Anything I did he/she did. Cooking, cleaning, folding laundry, etc they did it right along with me.
That being said, he's 5. He's acting like a baby because he's not the cute little one any more. Maybe it's time to have a 'your not a baby any more so you can't skate by on being cute and silly any longer. What do you want other children to think of when they think of you? Do you want them to think you are smart? Kind? Helpful? Now is the time to think about if."
Oh my gosh, can I relate! My daughter and I have the same sign (Virgo) and we're butting heads all the time! I can say the exact same thing to her and my son but yet she hears something totally different and gets mad at me. I could go on and on!!! My son and I, on the other hand, get along great!!
Sounds like your little guy has a double whammy working against him - being the middle child AND being the same sign as you!! I've read a little bit about birth order, etc., and I totally agree with some of it!! My older sister, middle child, has ALWAYS been the black sheep of the family and a pain in the butt!!! She is text-book "middle child"!! While me, being the baby and then my oldest sister, being the oldest child are also "text-book"!! We've always gotten along fine with each other AND our mother!!
While I unfortunately have no solution for you, I can tell you you're not alone!!! Is he possibly acting out because he has to go to school? Is he jealous of the other two children? There are many possibilities. The only thing I can offer is to not back down on discipline with him.
Good luck!!
I only have two and both are pretty easy but my oldest is tougher. Only thing I can add to what people have said is to ask him once if he's jealous of his siblings. My oldest is so jealous of her younger sister for some reason. And that drives most of her bad behaviour. Fortunately there's not a lot of it but she's also older than your son. But when I've asked her if she's jealous, it seems to be a bit of a relief for her to tell me that she is and then we can talk about it. Reading your post, it seems a bit like he's just dying for even more attention. And is that bc he's the middle and wants to stand out?? I don't know. Just a thought. He's still young but conversations about jealousy and bad attention vs good might help.
Yup.... I know it all too well. Try having four daughters. That will bring perspective to the whole personality issue! What I can tell you is that I AMA aware as a mother that I am closest to my two oldest daughters who are twins. I know we are viewers as the Three Musketeers. Same kind of likes and dislikes and same type of personalities. We are the humor hounds and the outgoing party starters. My husband is a mix. He is typically quiet and non confrontational most of the time and is a classic youngest child. I am the oldest in my family. My middle daughter is much like my husband....quieter and pretty stoic. Our youngest is Dudley Do-Right. Very peaceful, hates confrontation, can be picky and fussy at times but mostly very peaceful. If I butt heads with any one of them, it's the two younger ones. I have to draw everything out of them and these two are very stubborn. They have gotten better with age and also maturity, which helps. The toughest ages in my home were between 12-15. Those three year spans with my girls were the pits! I actually removed myself from any major discipline and handed the reigns to the husband for awhile just to give myself a little breathing room from them. He sees how it can be with all the girls and was effective in his modes of discipline in that the younger two responded better to his personality more than mine. The older girls responded better to my personality so we would take that into consideration on the parenting home front. We are always a united front but sometimes it's not worth it to battle hard when the other parent is more effective at getting the same points across. Have u tried that?
I have found that each of my kids will have a "hot button" or a pension for something that irks me....and I'm sure I have that with them as well. Some of these behaviors disappear with age and maturity while others are more deep-seated and need work. I'm happy to say that once my girls got past age 15, things settled in quite nicely and they are quite lovely most of the time these days. No one is perfect so I never expect that from them or myself either. I feel I will always be closer to my twins for reasons that just fit our personalities but I admire and enjoy my two younger daughters abilities to be so peaceful, carefree, and relaxed. It's also what I love about my husband and I see these traits in them. My husband would tell you that he loves the outgoing nature, fun- loving and spirited nature of me and out older girls. It's a nice balance right now. I am sure that as your son grows and matures, the things that are rough around the edges will become more polished and more enjoyable. You'll see. I am sure of it.
Sounds just like my oldest. I love my children equally but my oldest has Aspergers which makes it very difficult....he pushes my buttons all the time...he can't help it, he just does. My youngest has a similar personality to my own so we tend to get along better. I don't have much advice other than to keep on keeping on...my oldest is in school full time so it makes it easier since I don't deal with him all day. The summer is more difficult since we are around each other more often. I think you just have to resign to the fact that your personalities are different and do your best. Good luck!
Yes. Sometimes I butt heads with the personality that is JUST LIKE ME.
When my DD asks things over and over or interrupts, I tell her it's not her turn and if she keeps asking, I won't answer. I did hear her. She needs to wait.
And yesterday she decided that screaming would be more fun than spending a day with her aunt. When I picked her up due to this behavior she screamed that she was not going home. So I put her in the car and stood next to it. I said she could sit in there all day but she wasn't going to play in the park. Her opportunity was over. After a few minutes she sat down in her seat and allowed me to buckle her in.
I think my DD is a wonderful kid. I love her dearly. But when she digs in her heels it takes a lot from me not to scream back. I need to teach her how to route her behavior.
In the water case, I'd make him fix his mess and clean it up, while other kids ate popcorn.
And totally unrelated, I would find time to spend time with just him. Yesterday, after my DD came home, ate a snack and was told no TV, she played for 3 hours in our backyard. I think she just needed something different. Maybe being in school is so hard she needed the down time. I don't know. Is there something he is good at that you can share with him?
You are not alone! I butt heads with my oldest, my only girl. We are very similar, and I think that is why we butt heads. We both have to have the last word. I have been working on *trying to not let her get to me. She loves nothing more than to get a rise out of me. If I can manage to bite my tongue and not provide interaction (when she's being negative) things go better. I tell her "I don't have anything nice to say right now, so I won't say anything at all".
My middle child is a breeze. My youngest boy seems to have a personality much like his sister. He likes to antagonize. Lord help me!
