Does the Cry It Out Method Make for a Less Confident Child?

wow, thats an unruly, wild little can of worms there.

In my opinion, yes, that outcome is a definite possibility. Crying is a babies way of communicating, thirst , hunger,pain, sadness, loneliness, fright....etc... Ignoring these messages could do any number of things if it happened every time they tried to communicate it.

I dont like CIO, i never will. Im not scared to say so. I didnt have a baby to make it fit my life, we changed our life to accommodate them.

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Well, I guess I'm the minority (as usual), but, yes, I believe a child's self confidence is born of the idea that they can depend on their mom to get their backs, even when they can't express WHY they need comfort.

Of course every baby is born with the ability to get itself to sleep, but I feel babies are just an extension of Mom's body way beyond 8 months.

If you use my three kids as an example, this seems to hold true. They are independent, well adjusted, confident successful teenagers. But I suspect this is from a THOUSAND different reasons, not letting them cry is only one.

Enjoy her!

:)

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I think If i read one more CIO issue I may scream. I may be old school because my kids were born in the 80's, I never once put my baby's to bed awake and expected them to just fall asleep, baby's need to be nurtured I rocked all 3 of my baby's to sleep and no it was not a bad habit, it was mother child quality time and i loved the feeling of singing my baby's to sleep everynight and it also helped them sleep through the night because they went to bed feeling safe, secure and very much loved. I have a 17 month old in my daycare who is living with me while his mom is deployed and i rock him to sleep everynight I also had fish tanks in my baby's room and used the blue light as a night light very soothing and very calming. I personally can;t see laying a wide awake baby so they could cry themselves to sleep. As a mom of 27 years i have the most beautiful memories of when my kids were little, but some of my most precious ones were my baby's falling asleep in my arms every night while i rocked and sang to them. We they were between 15 and 18 months old we rocked and sang then we tucked them in prayed with them and daddy read them a story, so even then they went to sleep feeling loved and safe. And they stayed in their own beds too, J.

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I did it with some of my kids and not with others. I can't say I've noticed any long-term differences. I do know that *I've* felt better when I've tended to my babies' needs, even when it's "just" been rocking and soothing, and *those* babies have generally slept better, overall.

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HOw old were YOU when you loved going to bed alone? DO you love going to bed alone now? I doubt it... and why doin't you? It's loving, safe feeling and comforting to have your spouse/partner sleeping next to you isn't it? Well how do you expect your infant to feel after being with you NINE MONTHS of constantly hearing Mommy's voice, breathing, heartbeat? Or after being born, feeling Mommy's snuggling arms and great smell?

Why do parents question why their children do not like to be isolated and alone to go to sleep. You are vulnerable when you sleep, you hear weird things when you sleep and eyes of ANY age can see things in the dimness or darkness.

YES, I feel the CIO method as well as others that do not allow the child to depend on Mommy or Daddy to help them when they feel fear, loneliness or the need to be close to their parents - does create a sense of self esteem issues and trust issues.

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It is interesting to read the comments and the frequent postings about the CIO method and self-esteem in children. Although the impact on the self esteem of a child may vary, it seems that in many cases it impacts the self esteem/self worth of the mother. In this case, if it makes you feel better to soothe your baby, then do it. It certainly won't harm the baby.

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J., I know it's frustrating when a child won't sleep for I have 3 small children However, there's a reason why I feel compelled to comfort each one rather than let them cry until exhaustion over takes them. I tried the CIO method with my oldest daughter and she would cry so hard that she would throw up. The next day she stuck to me like velcro. Both my husband and I didn't feel right about it and stopped putting all of us through it. Please read the research regarding high cortisol levels in babies allowed to cry for prolonged periods of time: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.asp Nurse midwife mom of 3 of God's greatest blessings

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In extreme cases.... a baby crying and crying on end... such as in orphanages, can or may lead to "reactive attachment disorders' in babies/children.

This is a link about it:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reactive_attachment_disorder

Again, I am not saying this is you. Just an example, of how not consoling/bonding/comforting a baby/child, can affect a child. Long term.

I have seen a child like this.
The parents were just not bonded with their baby.
And it is really pathetic.

A baby wakes, cries, feeds. Wakes, cries, feeds. Yes the parents do not get sleep. This is a baby. What they do.
You cannot force them to sleep/feed/wake according to a schedule.. .and they go through normal developmental stages. Which crying it out, does NOT address.

Get the Book "What To Expect The First Year" and "What To Expect The Toddler Years."

A baby/child... does not just fall asleep on their own or forever. And many times, a child does not just sleep on their own and perfectly, until they are much much older.
This is babyhood and childhood.

They need to bond with their parent and have comfort. THIS also affects their development/cognition too.

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she's a bit on the young side for CIO. do you do a ferber-type method or balls-out CIO? when you think about it, it's not really logical to put 'em to bed with a method that upsets them and expect them to start enjoying it. she will get used to it eventually, though.
khairete
S.

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I have used CIO for both of my girls, and they are both quite confident because they know how to control themselves. They can self-soothe, ask for help when needed, and calm down quickly.

We didn't just ignore our children's cries. When they would cry, we would check to make sure they were ok (diaper ok, had pacifier, not feverish, not stuck), then lay them back down, pat them on the back, say good night, and leave. If they continued to cry, we'd wait 5 minutes and then do it again. We would not pick them up, though. Then we'd wait 10 minutes, and do it again. Then 15, and so on. We never had to do it more than 15 min, and never more than 3 nights.

CIO gets bad press because it seems like ignoring your child, but it isn't. Check to make sure they aren't in "need" and then let them learn how to calm themselves down on their own. If they never learn this, they will always need mommy and daddy to solve their problems and help. We don't want our kids to turn into "tween-agers" (the 20's aged kids that have to move back in with mom and dad), so we're teaching them the skills to succeed on their own.

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By waiting until the child is at least six months old before you try, you have helped ensure that they have confidence, self-esteem, and trust. A baby needs to know that you are there for her to meet her basic needs. Once this relationship is established, letting them cry and learn to self-soothe can be a good thing. We started this method when my twins were eight months old. They're only 2.5 now, but they seem confident other than usual shyness around new people. They are willing to try new things and take risks.

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I have done CIO (Teach To Sleep method) with all three of my boys. They are now 6, 4 and 3. They all have very different personalities, and I don't think CIO affected their self-confidence. My oldest is quite reserved, my middle boy is a crazy wild boy who's right out there, and my youngest is an independent soul who does everything with confidence, alone or with others. In fact, they all became much more independent as far as sleeping and bedtime is concerned, and it did wonders for us all. I started at 6 months old which was the youngest recommended age for the method I used. It took my oldest 20 minutes and he has never had a problem sleeping since.

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I personally do not agree with this method at any age.

I just wanted to say that I have a little princess that is 6 months old. And 3 others. TOTAL ( 4 ).
And I wanted to say congrat's on your little one.

God bless your baby girl.

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I never used this method, although I see mention of it here a lot. Where did you read to start using it so young though? 8 mos. just seems too young for this lonely method to be beneficial.

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It depends what you mean by "cry it out." Are you using the Ferber method? Or are you leaving the room and letting her cry until she falls asleep? Because one is appropriate and the other is not.

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My kids did CIO and after a couple of weeks they went to sleep after stories and cuddle time- awake and happy. Teaching a kid to self soothe and go to sleep on their own is important for their sleep needs. We can't always do what makes our kids happy, but more important what is best for them. Both of my girls (2 and 4)- are confident, happy, loved, smart and 100% bonded with my husband and I. They also sleep 11-12 hours everynight without waking up, so they are happy and rested everyday.

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I think it's the opposite. I think that once they can do things on their own, like fall asleep they are more confident. I only think this with young children.

We did a modified version of cry it out with our now 2.5 year old when she was about 4 months. We would do our routine, lay her down, and if she cried let it go on about 5 minutes, go in and soothe her (without picking up) and then leave again, next time she cried it was 10 minutes, 15, 20, ect. We never had to go past 20 and even then it was only once. Until she was 22 months old she was the best sleeper. It took about a week or 2 to "train" her that it was bedtime and she would go right to sleep. At 22 months she started having nightmares and would get terrified of going to bed. So we were kind of back to square one. We did co-sleep for a little while at this point, so that she could have the security and learn that there was nothing to be afraid of. She would always go down to sleep in her own bed, then we would come get here when we went ot bed. At first it was hard, but once she learned that we were going to come get her, she would go to sleep easier. Then last week (she's 27 months now) she said she wanted to stay in her Dora bed all night, and she did. Last night she woke up about 4am and was crying and asked to come in bed with us, which we allowed.
Sorry this was long winded and not entirely about your question. I guess I just wanted to talk about the fact that we have done both CIO and co-sleep and we have a beautiful, intelligent, confident, articulate daughter. Good luck, I think it's harder on the parents to make these decisions and stick iwth them.

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no, it does not. But I know for me personally I never let they cry longer than 5 minutes, I went in every 5 to help them settle. I also started this younger than some will recommend, but my boys both were going to sleep on their own without trouble and sleeping through the night by 2 months using this 5 minute method, and they are now very happy and independent young boys of 5 and 7.

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I gotta agree with Theresa N :)

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NO! It does not.

There are lots of studies out there that provide evidence one way or another.

My best friend and her husband are behvaioral child psychologists with 20 yrs of experience between them. They would both tell you that it has no impact one way or another - it does NOT cause emotional damage - NOR does it promote independence.
They both support CIO with their kids.

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Nope! Its hard but she needs to learn to self soothe, a valuable skill in life, so she won't need wine, tv etc or something else to help her at night.

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A question: do you think she's overtired when you leave her to sleep?

I ask this first because overtired children can become more upset than 'just' tired kids. My first recommendation to you would be to try putting her down a half-hour earlier, before she seems tired. Usually, when we are seeing they are tired, they are overtired and thus, it makes it harder to put them down to bed.

I'm not a big fan of cry it out myself. As a nanny, it was by far one of the worst parts of the job, and I could not do cry-it-out with my son. Cry-it-out was intended for families whose need for it was of highest necessary, and I know that in our family, we didn't have that level of need to regulate our son's sleep, so we did not use it. Every family is different, and a lot of parents I respect have used this method when they were desperate for sleep.

I'd also say that as an observer to the families that did use cry it out, ALL of their children returned to the bedroom as older kids, who were not contained by a crib. As for if their confidence was affected, it's really difficult to say. Each child has their own challenges, and it's not like we have a control group to use. From my experience, the families that didn't use CIO still had older kids in their bed from time to time, but as to confidence, there seems to me to be no black and white "one group (CIO or non) had more confidence than the other".

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I don't think letting her cry for 10-15 minutes is going to hurt her self confidence. I think we assume crying always means they are very upset, but some babies need to cry in order to blow off some steam before they can fall asleep. If all of her needs are being met, you know she's not hungry or wet or sick and you are only letting her cry for 10 minutes then I think she'll be alright. Just make sure she is getting lots of love and attention the rest of the day and that you spend enough time helping her get calm before you put her down (reading, singing, whatever you do).

We did it with my son because he was just overstimulated when we were in the room and it was so hard to get him to fall asleep unless he was by himself. He is now a happy, very confident, smart 2 year old. And he still won't fall asleep with us in the room at bedtime (but he no longer cries, he just rolls over and goes to sleep after we leave).

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NO! Co sleeping was never an option for anyone in my massive extended family, with many kids who are now adults, and I never co slept and most people my age never co slept and we are all FINE! If people want to co sleep, great. But don't let them scare you into believing that letting your child sooth themselves to sleep rather than helping the sleep all night will make your child have low self esteem WHAT? None of my 3 kids have low self esteem and we never co slept.

My oldest cried only a little a few times then never again.

My middle child LOVED crying himself to sleep and would give you the stink eye if you came in to check on him and "interrupted" his pre-sleep crying. This lasted for several months when he was around your daughter's age. He's now 3 and has always loved bed time.

And my 3rd and most difficult child -now almost 2-STILL CRIES before pretty much any nap or bedtime. That's just her personality. She's very confident and sleeps like a stone once she sleeps, but she still cries. It's her way of showing disappointment to be removed from the 'awake people' for a while. It varies from 30 seconds to about 10 minutes. She wouldn't be any happier if she was kicking me all night long and afraid to sleep on her own.

5 days is no time and 10 -15 minutes is not very long. You're not hurting your child at all. REMEMBER TO FEED HER A LOT ALL DAY LONG THOUGH. Sometimes increasing calories alone makes them fall asleep much faster.

ps, 8 months is not too young. My aunt has ten kids and they all learned to self sooth (if well fed enough) at 3 months.

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If you don't feel comfortable doing it, then don't. I personally don't agree with CIO and wouldn't do it - but it sounds like you don't feel right doing it anyway.
I couldn't listen to my child cry for 15 minutes straight knowing she probably feels abandoned and just wants to be held.

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I don't like it. But I've done it when I have to. There have been many times over the years where I had 2-3 children under the age of 2 on my night shift. Sometimes I also had my own children and then my grandchild in the same age range. My day starts at 5am if not before. It never really ends and I care for children 7 days per week. If I tried to rock every child to sleep and be all Mary Poppins, I'd lose my temper and hurt someone.

I really don't believe it hurts their self-esteem. I've had a great many kids that are happy as clams during the day and then hate going to sleep. Usually the kids that hate going to sleep just hate missing anything and often they are the ones that seem more happy and out-going. But some kids on the other hands are just screamers, have bad attitudes and I am sorry to say, some of these kids will be Debbie Downers all their lives. There is very little you can do about a person with that kind of personality. PRAY your little one doesn't end up that way and don't blame yourself if it happens. I've had hundreds of children through the years and am certain that in the end our personalities are LARGELY in our genetics. :)

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I believe it creates confidence by allowing the child to understand they can affect their own destiny, & that self-soothing can be achieved......& an achievement it is.

I believe that a lack of self-confidence is created when others are continually rescuing you.

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I don't think so - I did it with all of my kids - it won't be much longer and you will put her in her bed and she will just lay down and go to sleep - hang in there.

Also - she is not going to remember anything from when she is 8 months old, so get it over with now instead of when she is 3 and will remember it. I will never forget a salesman that came into my work one day talking about his 3 or 4 year old who he actually put in bed, and had to hold the bedroom door shut while she was screaming because she didn't want to go to bed. I DO NOT want to go through that!!

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my son was much more confident AFTER we used CIO, it's like he realized that he wasn't going to die if he wasn't in complete physical contact with me. He was much happier, healthier and better adjusted after he started getting good sleep--and we had tried everything beforehand and CIO was the only thing that truly worked for him. It's 2 years later and he's still a wonderful sleeper and only goes through "phases" where he gets mad at bedtime. Like every 3 months or so he likes to test the waters for a week and see if we'll give in to letting him run wild til he crashes, but it never works :) And he was very seldom want to sleep in our bed--he only asks to about once every 3 months also, and we let him. It honestly wasn't until he was over a year old that we had no tears at bedtime though

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There is no quick way or trick to get a baby or child to do anything...a great lesson in becoming a patient and wise parent.

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Hmm. We didn't do CIO to keep them asleep throughout the night-- our kids were already doing that before 4 months old (through the night being minimum of 5 hours at a stretch). I didn't KNOW about CIO (Ferber Method) until our 2nd child, so we did not use it to teach our eldest to fall asleep at bedtime. I heard about it when our daughter was a baby, and used it with her to get her to fall asleep at bedtime around 6 months old (she was already sleeping a minimum of 7 hours straight each and every night). It took 3 nights for her to just go to sleep without all the crying drama. For our son, it was an agonizing almost year, that I spent 2 hours every night trying to get him to fall asleep and trying to sneak out, only for him to wake during the sneak out process. (I DON'T recommend that).
Neither of our kids every co-slept with us. They did both have a phase around 3 yrs when they would come to the side of my bed in the middle of the night and I walked them back to their room. But that was it.
Out of the two, I would say that the youngest (the one we did CIO with) is by FAR the most self-confident of the two.

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No.
My sister needed to cry herself to sleep.
She is the most confident individual I've ever met.
LBC

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If your letting your child just cry and cry then yes it will create an irrational fear of abandonment and thus their self-worth. My best friend is a psychologist knowing the new research and is very into personality disorders because he is a recovering alcoholic and I pester him about child related stuff lol. He is not biased about CIO or no CIO so he doesn't pick and choose what he studies based on his beliefs, which I see a lot of psychologists do.

If you check on them every 5-15 minutes and comfort then it shouldn't. Look at her environment, do you shut the door? does she have a sippy/bottle? is her bed time too early? She could be afraid of the dark, afraid of being alone. I personally co-sleep wit my little one and am never going to be ashamed to say it. Not saying other people should do it, but in regards to children (in general) I don't get people who try to make kids fit their life. And adults now that did CIO and didn't have ill feelings to their parents or no low self-esteem, that's not what it does. It a general fear of abandonment, of being alone. lol, interesting the way people skew things so they don't have to believe CIO can be damaging if used the wrong way or ignore their little ones.

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No. We did it with my son - nothing else worked. It took 4 days, which were awful, but absolutely worth it. He is a confident, independent, funny, creative kid with great leadership skills. He is more mature than many of his friends. He's in college and is regularly chosen to be team captain because of his ability to model mature behavior and motivate others.

No, I do not think this will hurt your child's self-esteem. Your child needs to learn how to self soothe and put herself to sleep. However, there are lots of ways of doing this without making her feel abandoned. You should already have a flexible schedule developed by this point, where you know when she will be taking her naps. Do not wait until she is fussy to put her down for her nap (or bedtime). With my 1 year old, she takes her morning nap around 9:30 am and then her afternoon nap is around 1:00. She goes to bed about 8:00pm each night and sleeps until about 7 to 7:30 am. When it is nap time, I carry to her room, snuggle her for about 30 seconds, put her in her crib, rub her belly, and leave the room. She goes right to sleep on her own.

What I'm doing is the BABYWISE method, and there's a lot more to it than just the few things mentioned above. It's a book (technically called "On Becoming Babywise"), and it's not very long. You can get it at Amazon.com, Wal-Mart, or probably any bookstore. This is not the CIO method, but is similar to some of the other comments that I've read on this post. I have done Babywise with both of my kiddos. My son started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks old and has slept through the night (10-11 hrs) since. He is now a very confident 4 year old, and sleeping is still not an issue for him. My daughter started sleeping through the night at 7 weeks old and has slept through the night (11 hrs) since. She is 1 year old. Babywise is actually something that you start right away at birth, but you can start it later. Think about this....if you are rocking or nursing your baby to sleep every day since birth, how traumatic do you think it will be for your baby when you start the CIO method at 8 months old? You've trained your baby to expect rocking/milk/whatever in order to fall asleep, and then BOOM you take it away... What if you started out when your child was small and put her in her bed BEFORE she fell asleep each night? I'm NOT talking about allowing a small infant to cry it out. I'm talking about rocking/nursing/cuddling your baby before bed, then before she falls asleep, you put her in her bed so that the last few minutes before sleep are spent with her awake in her bed.

If you're interested in learning more, get the book. There is SO much more to it than the few things I've mentioned, and I probably haven't done it justice. Also, I think I should mention that both of my children were exclusively breastfed children until they were at least a year old. I did NOT have to supplement with rice cereal or anything to get them to sleep.

We did CIO with our first child starting when he was 11 months. We felt like we had to do CIO bc he was waking up 6-8 times a night every night. It was so hard and I was so sleep deprived. Anyway, he NEVER went to bed happily. It was a constant battle and cry fest every night. It did teach him to sleep longer - about 3 hrs at a time. He is now 7 and is an extremely confident child, so I don't think it affected his confidence. But every child is different. I truly think for some kids it does not work and it depends on their personality. He has a VERY strong personality and has since he was a baby...he is extra difficult and extra sensitive and extra strong willed!

I'm another person who did CIO with my kids and they are both happy, confident, wonderful children who love going to sleep. My 1 year old loves getting into her crib and talking and singing to herself (sometimes for up to an hour) before going to sleep on her own. 10-15 minutes may seem like a long time when you are listening to your child cry but it is not at all. She will be FINE and will not remember this at all. My mom made me cry it out at 4 months old and I have no self-esteem issues and have a great relationship with my mom (I don't remember crying it out and hold no harsh feelings toward her for making me:). You just have to do what's best for you and if you can handle a few more days of crying I think you will be happy in the long run- and giving advice to the next mom who questions it:) Good luck, let us know how it goes.

Nope. My almost 5 year old is confident, brave, and outgoing. And, he had had no problems going to bed,staying in bed, and sleeping through the night.

We did it with both of our boys when they were 9 months. My oldest is almost 4 and my youngest is 16 months. They are both very confident and happy children.
My oldest is playing teeball this year and didn't know anyone on his team when he started. He had no problem joining right in and becoming part of the team. He is sometimes a little too confident, if anything...
My 16 month old is a little shy with new people, but warms up pretty quickly.
Honestly, I never really thought about CIO having anything to do with it. In my experience with my own and with my nieces and nephews is that it is a combination of nature and nurture during daily activities. Some kids are born confident and some need a little coaching.

i let my daughter cry it out. she is 4 now and mentally and emotionally healthy. she is very confident.

the cio method is teaching a child to self soothe for sleep. i would always pat my daughters chest so thats what she would do. it also helps to have a good bed time routine. be happy that she only cries 10-15 mins. some kids cry for an hour. it will decrease over time. she will go to sleep easier soon.

I have never been a far of the cry it out method. BUT, that being said, I did it. My first daughter slept through the night at 9 weeks and never stopped sleeping through. My second daughter, however, was completely different story. She didn't sleep through the night consistently until she was 8 months, and that was after letting her cry it out. I tried everything to help her go to sleep but inevitably she would just cry and cry sometimes up to an hour (especially at nap time, night time she would usually nurse to sleep). She would cry even when I held her and it got so overwhelming to not be able to calm her I just started leaving her. At first she would cry 30 minutes or more and I felt like she was never going to go down easily and she would always cry for what seemed like forever. But all of a sudden one day when she was about 9 1/2 months I put her down and she didn't cry and from that point she hasn't cried more than 5-10 minutes and that's usually when she's over tired and thinks she should nurse even if she just did.

It's a hard thing to bear, but just know that eventually it will work and she will go without crying. And as far as I can tell her self-esteem is just fine.

I don't think there's any research on the subject, so at this point it's just anecdotal (personal) accounts.

But I would say that as long as mom and dad (or other caregivers) are around to give love and support and take care of all her needs, building the necessary sense of safety and security, that CIO won't undermine all of that. I'm not a big fan of CIO, but I don't think that it will counter all the good stuff you do during the day to build the security. (Self esteem is a slightly different topic, though it builds on security, and doesn't really develop until early preschool years).

It will take her up to a few weeks to soothe herself to sleep quickly. She's also entering the realm of separation anxiety (well, maybe not for a few months, but some kids are hitting it at 8 months) so that can add to her distress, but it's not going to make her insecure or fearful.

Yes, no, yes, no. I think its interesting how adamant the answers are. My mom did CIO w/ me and I don't/didn't w/ my daughter. But my daughter and I are vastly different individuals. My daughter is extremely senstive, bright, oddly aware, blah, blah, blah. Me: normal sensitivity, loved to sleep, pretty average intelligence. My mom agrees w/ my desicion to raise her this way because of who she is. I think you'll know if it will work for your child and be a positive way to teach self soothing. If I had a different child, I'd have a different answer.

Considering self-esteem comes from one's confidence in one's self I don't see how crying it out could possibly effect self-esteem.

I can't really remember my kids crying when I put them to sleep, it was more like bed time, okay then. If they did cry then I would have ignored it because it would be a habit I would not have fostered in my children.

All my kids have excellent self-esteem so take this for what you think it is worth.

I didn't read all the answers (as you have a lot of them!) And, you will get a lot of different opinions as well!!! We have four children, ALL of them are now grown. Two girls, two boys, (one of them are a set of boy/girl twins). I did CIO with all of them around the same time as you are trying, as I was so tired and really needed my own sleep as well as my husband needed his sleep. YES, it was the best thing ever! They were happier, we were happier! I always, always checked to make sure that they were fed, didn't need changed, had what they needed, etc., etc., weren't in any danger in their crib, etc when I began the CIO, but within a week, all four of them were sleeping wonderfully...all on their own, for at least 10 to 12 hours at a time. Now, as adults, to answer your question, it has not affected their self-esteem in any way whatsoever!!! If anyone says it does, I don't believe it at all. Our youngest two (the twins) just graduated a week ago Wednesday, and our son was Valedictorian. He gave a great speech in front of the school. Some told him it was the best speech they'd ever heard! You should of heard the cheers!!!