Do You Help Your Kids Figure Out What Is Right and Wrong?

When kids start breaking things it's time to intervene...

If my kids break something of someone else's - even if in accident - we replace it...it comes out of their allowance....PERIOD... YOU DO NOT DESTROY SOMEONE ELSE'S PROPERTY.

While there are times to let kids handle it between themselves...when something gets broken - it's time to intervene...

This is PART of learning how to handle things like adults. Difference is parents are meeting to discuss repayment, instead of lawyers.

It's called MENTORING.

You are responsible, first of all, to instill the moral compass into your child. Obviously, your sister hasn't done a very good job with this, and her "hands off" style of parenting is dangerous. Sounds like her son is on a very destructive path, and I'm not just speaking about his total disregard for the property of others. Just wait until he's 16, and see where he's at.

You did the right thing by confronting your sister about the situation. There are situations where children should "work it out" on their own....i.e. they are having a silly, adolescent argument. When they are breaking each others things, an adult needs to intervene or soon a court will, because that's called property damage and as far as I know, you can be arrested for it.

if adults don't guide them, the stronger/bully of the pair will dominate.
i think they are lazy parents who have other more important things to do

I agree with you. Adults need to help kids figure things out. Even if they already "know better" they still need adult guidance. They don't figure things out by accident. Those kids end up being very miserable adults because they never figure it out. They not only need guidance but they need repetition and consistency.

In this situation my husband and I would get involved.This is not a help in figuring out what is right and wrong. They both know it is wrong. Property was broken.

I don't get involved in every petty verbal disagreement that occurs with my kids...kids do need to maneuver through those situations on their own. In your home you teach how to handle situations and then discuss after the fact how things could have gone better. Ask him what he did wrong and how he could have handled it better and help come up with a game plan of what to do next time.

But...in this case with expensive property being broken then yes I believe the parents of both boys should discuss how together they will address the situation. In your situation, this is family and it sounds like the cousins see eachother alot.

I would maybe work on your approach because it may have rubbed your sister and b-i-l the wrong way because you mention that you "got into" with your sis and that you are on opposite ends of the spectrum in raising kids. They probably are humiliated that their kid did this on their clock and frustrated with the fighting that happened among the cousins. They may have felt threatened by you and your hubby going over there. You may have made them feel like their way of parenting is wrong...that would put most people on the defense.

Maybe limit what your son takes over there so as not to have any more things destroyed. Talk to your son about how to handle the situation before things escalate again. Maybe take a little breather from extended visits for abit.

Good luck!

I guess I'm left wondering what you mean by "guide?" What kids figure out from each other is generally pretty primitive, if not downright crude and thoughtless. Kids need rules, expectations, reminders, guidance, and reasonable consequences for the inevitable misbehavior, until they can demonstrate that they've "got it." Some kids able to reach that goal earlier and more consistently than others.

My version of guidance is to talk about rules and reasons for them, especially the Golden Rule, and live what I teach. If a child in my care breaks a rule or fails to cooperate, then I allow natural consequences to ensue, so the child feels the impact of what he has done. I don't see that spanking or taking away toys is ever really needed. Natural consequences, for me, pretty much replaces the need to punish, in a traditional sense. I swatted my daughter only twice, in a panic, to get her attention when she was about to do something dangerous. (I doubt those swats were necessary, but I momentarily lost my presence of mind.)

This worked very well for my daughter, who was a delightful child by everybody's account, and is now a polite, thoughtful, extremely responsible adult. This has worked very well for two generations of kids in my fairly liberal religious community (with the very small exception of a couple of autism-spectrum children, who need much more careful oversight).

And it's working well for my 5.5yo grandson, who is far more willingly obedient, cooperative, and appreciative than the average child I've seen in public. My grandson has never been spanked, and only occasionally earns a time-out, which he generally chooses for himself.

Which leads me to the best parenting tool I have ever used, a kind and practical little book called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. Among other things, it teaches how to make children part of the problem-solving process. And they can be remarkably good at it when brought into the process with respect for their native intelligence. And THAT is sorting out right from wrong!

In short - yes, it's called parenting.

Well, when the kids were left to "figure it out on their own," they ended up breaking each others things. Obviously they need some guidance!

If I were in your sister's shoes, I would have gone running to you with my kid, my checkbook in hand and so many "I'm sorry"'s you would have wanted to slap me. But I would have been mortified, so I would have wanted to make sure you weren't mad at me.

If I were you, however, I would talk to my own kid about his part in this, make sure he has thought about it and what he could have done differently, how he could have handled everything better, etc, and hope that my sister took it upon herself to do the right thing. I'm a pretty big wuss, so I would not have approached her about it at all.

Keep in mind that it is your job to guide your son (and not hers) and that the relationship you have with your sister and her family is so much more important than who's right or wrong.

It really sucks that you've been put in this position. Wishing you all the best!

The kids should work out the argument to an extent, BUT their parents need to get out their ATM card and pay for it. It would be ridiculous not to reimburse you for something their child broke. I wouldn't drop it if it was expensive, but I am big on personal responsibility and as a parent the child's actions are their responsibility. If it's an argument, okay the kids can work it out, however when it gets physical or escalates to yelling and breaking things the parents need to step in. Someone could have gotten really hurt and honestly they sound like they want to take the irresponsible way out and try to talk you into them working it off instead of paying for it or not wanting to parent.

Your sister and her husband are responsible for replacing the things their child broke. And then what they do with their child because he made them spend a lot of money is their business.

Good luck getting money out of your sister. It doesn't sound like it will be forthcoming.

And obviously, parents are responsible for guiding their kids.

my thought is that when it becomes physical that the parents can guide their children OR the court system can

We start to help when it's more than just quarreling. We stepped in when it's become physical. We stepped in when something is broken.
And we teach them responsibility of taking a good care and being responsible for stuffs, expecially something that is not yours. When we talk to the adult, we give them example about how things should get resolved in a good manner and responsible way.
They are children, it's our responsibility to teach them right from wrong since they are lacking of experience. There are things that they can figure out themselves, some other need to be taught and given example.

I'm a Free Range parent, but I most certainly guide my kids. That's why they're confident and competent.

I have observed several families that use an extremely hands-off style of parenting, and leave the kids to figure it out on their own. It does not appear to work well. The kids are insecure and anxious, and often badly behaved as well.

We are humans, not sea turtles. Our children require parental guidance.

I agree with Rachel H.--they were left to figure it out on their own and broke each other's things. I say your nephew and/or sister need to fork over some money to pay for the broken items. If your son broke his cousin's DVD--then I'd pay for that. Sure they can figure things out on their own at that age, but as parents, you're responsible for your children. When our children break things that aren't theirs, they should pay for them or we gotta cover it and have them make up the money in other ways (chores).

If their son broke a store's electronic device, or crumpled a car he took on a test drive - you'd bet the parents would be held financially responsible. This is no different when their child breaks a friend or family member's belongings.

Either the parents need to act like parents and pay for damages... or they have to make their son pay damages.

Kids can handle it until things start getting broken... then the parents NEED to be involved. The first thing that gets broken is a small then and it escalates...
If you are angry, you can be angry, but it doesn't give you the right to break things unless they are things that belong to you. You don't break other people's things -- no matter what.
The nephew needs to replace the broken items.
LBC

First, I'm sure that if the situation were reversed, your sister would want you to step in and pay for the broken items. BUT, try to play her game - guide your son by giving advice and talking about the situation, but then let him take over. Have him go to his cousin, tell him that he needs to pay for the items he broke or get him new ones. If the cousin refuses, have your son go to your sister and ask to be compensated. The worst that could happen is they both say no and refuse to pay. He can then decide if he wants to continue that friendship and relationship. It could be a great lesson for him in choosing friends, confronting others when he's been wronged, and seeking compensation.

If your sister gets upset, you can tell her that you were just following your advice and letting your son take care of the situation and make things right.

To me it sounds like they don't want take financial responsibility for what their son did. When the kids are arguing and angry at each other, then I can understand that they need to figure it out on their own (like if they don't want to speak to each other anymore because of a fight). But when personal property gets destroyed, that is crossing a line and the parents need to intervene with consequences. Otherwise their son will believe that he can get away with behavior like that.

Fighting is one thing. Breaking or destroying someone else's property is another.

If this happened when they are no longer minors, they would be breaking the law.

The parents need to step in on this one. That's why we are called parents.

Guiding kids is part of a parent's job description. There is a difference between guiding and driving. Children need to know what is right. Then they need to learn how to recognize right and wrong in a given situation. Then they might be prepared to begin learning to figure it out on their own.

Children are not born knowing how to add or how to spell. They're not born knowing how to figure things out on their own, either.

Perhaps your sister is thinking of situations in which the parent steps in every time something goes wrong and solves it for the children, without teaching them how to do it themselves.

Yes. If they have an allowance, they need to pay for the items they broke. That is unacceptable. Yeah, cousins fight. Damaged property isn't ok though. It's a parent's job to TEACH that breaking property is not ok.
Kids need to figure things out, WITH guidance from parents. We set basic guidelines and let them explore within those guidelines. There are certain "no no's" though that require intervening and saying "Ok, here, you crossed the line. The reason this is not ok is ___ (or Why do you think this is not ok?). You need to make good on this. How will you guys fix this?" If they don't know, the parent needs to help them come up with answers, and explain why. Otherwise, it's like giving the kid a test without ever taking the class. They have to be taught before they can figure things out. Anything else, in my opinion, is lazy and irresponsible.