Do You Expect Your Husband to Be Home When He Says He'll Be Home?

When he used to go out he would tell me he would be home around midnight and he would show up anywhere between 2-7am. Which totally pissed me off because he did it almost every single weekend for 6 years. I told him that I was done playing his game and we almost got divorced over his partying. Now he rarely goes out and when he does he comes home when he says he will. So I do expect him to be home around the time he tells me and if he is going to be later he will call. He also texts me when he leaves work so that I can start dinner so it will be ready when he gets home.

He doesn't say anything to me when I'm out later than what I say well because one time in the 12 years we've been married I've come home after 3am. I think he feels guilty for what he did to me for so many years so he doesn't say anything.

If hubby says hes going to be home at a certain time I expect him home at that time or close to it. 10 mins isnt' a big deal.
30 or more I get worried.

Good question! I am the repeat offender and I would never call. Well I did not know how it felt until the hubby started doing it to me! So now I am quick to say running behind babe! and he has always done that.

You have posited two different scenerios here. One is the everyday courtesy thing when you've said you'd be home at a certain time and the other makes plans based on your arrival time. When to have dinner? Expecting to spend time with each other. That sort of thing.

In this case it's common courtesy to either be close to on time or to call to say you're going to be late. I've ended a couple of relationships because not showing up at all or being very late without calling was a pattern and after many conversations about the way it puts me at a disadvantage. I saw this as a pattern indicating a lack of respect for me and my time. We broke up only after having spent weeks/months trying to work out a solution.

However, to go out at night for a time for one's self sort of evening, I would not expect to even be told when he was coming home. A night out is just that a night out and by it's very nature shouldn't require a strict accounting of the time. I would not expect my spouse/so to give me a time for when they'd be home. I suggest that when fights occur in this situation the real problem is not the late arrival home but the lack of trust in the relationship.

I try to not give a specific time that I'll be home, because I know that I have difficulty sticking to it.

When we go out with friends...it is goodbye honey see you when we see you...we are usually home before midnight. But we have never called to check on each other. Why, I know where he is...he knows where I am...

My husband always calls if he will be late from work because he knows I am fixing dinner and certain things do not keep...fish, stir fry, etc. If he doesn't call and is over 30 minutes late...I might just call to make sure he is okay or if he is so deep in a project he has lost track of time. But this is very very rare...maybe once a year or so...

He isn't my father and I am not his mother...this just isn't an issue for us.

I don't worry about when she comes home unless she wants dinner when she gets home. If she says she will be home by 5:30, then at about 7:30 or 8 I start wondering what went wrong and where is she. My wife feels about the same way. I hate having cooked stir fry and have the vegetables tender, when she was supposed to be home, but the vegetables are mushy OR cold by the time she actually arrives.

BUT, if she comes home late and comes and gives me a good hug and BIG kiss, I don't even care I've cooked dinner and its cold.

There are so may big things to worry about in marriage, I don't sweat the small stuff.

Good luck to you and yours.

Bwahahahaha....

R..

"Would you expect a barrage of guilt trips about it? Or does that one time get swept under the rug?"

If one person does something ALL the time, and the other person once, I'd be shocked and amazed if it WASN'T as if the world were ending.

Pot calling kettle.

It's one of life's most infuriating things that leaves the kettle just spluttering. "But you- you- you... aaaaaahhhhh!"
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Okay... as far as the substance. Like others, for myself, it's a respect thing. I do NOT want to waste my time and create plans around someone being home when they're not. I don't care if it's 7pm or 4am... say what you mean. And I do NOT want to be tied up in knots worrying about them.

Now, I can be smiling tolerantly when they say x, and I KNOW that means x+however much longer (I've dated a fisherman... "one more cast" means 2 hours and 50 casts, I've dated military folk who have no control over their schedules, and I've been married to a musician... time slips away very very easily). So I can just kiss them and know that they will NOT be home when they say. It's when I'm LIED to (I'll be home after work, and they go fishing, or to the recording studio, or wherever instead), that I get pissed.

I think it depends on your relationship.

When I go out, DH usually knows that I'll end up enjoying my girl/alone time so much that I'll be home when I get home (which isn't ever late). He might make a joke about it, but I never get the third degree or guilt trips.

Sometimes DH will go to the electronics store for one thing & he ends up walking around for an hour, or going somewhere else, so it takes longer than expected, but I just know his pattern, so I roll with it.

Why not just accept his pattern & move on? Unless there are trust issues or your relationship is strained, I guess I don't see it as something to be upset about, on either end.

To be honest, I find him giving you a guilt trip kind of odd, given that he's the one that's habitually late & full of excuses. I think it would raise a red flag for me, personally. I also find it odd that grown ups put time constraints on each other. Last time I checked we weren't kids that needed checking up on.

I'm with Rev. Ruby and Marda P.- it's a courtesy thing and a respect thing.

I think everyone has been in a position at one time or another when things just didn't go as planned and you are running late. Quick phone call is it takes and problem solved.

However, my husband and I don't really issue each other a time to be home or have rules about it. If he has a night out, I want him to just go, have fun and hang out with his guy friends. I don't give him a curfew -I'm not his mom! :) and it's never been a problem.

Same with me- I come and go as I please and if he guilt tripped me for it, then it would warrant a conversation because somewhere, communication has broken down.

If it's causing a problem in your marriage, then yes, you need to sit him down and talk about it. Tell him you feel disrespected and would like him to call you when he's going to be late. It's really not too much to ask! Good luck!

R.:

If Bob says he'll be home at 630 - I expect him then. If he is not going to make it then - HE calls. Same goes for me.

If I am late? No, I do not expect a guilt trip over it. I expect an apology or me to give one. Once I'm sorry is given then - it is accepted and we move on.

If we can't move on - we have a problem Houston. There is something else that is going on and it needs to be addressed.

Second part of question first-HECK NO I don't expect a guilt trip. I'm often later than I think I'll be and my husband never gripes. And I don't always love whipping out the cell phone to "report in" (and I often don't even bring it.). I'm a bit too sentimental for pre cell phone days for all that second by second play by play stuff.

Vice Versa. My husband LOVES to be late (Musician. I hear ya, Riley). To wherever he's going, not just home. He's that guy who thinks he has to start getting ready at about 6:30 to make it to a 6:30 movie across town. I swear the only reason musicians make it to the stage on time (late at night-and he HAS been late to midnight shows....) is that they have a crew of people transporting them everywhere.

I think I've hassled him about coming home late maybe once in ten years because it caused me to be late to pick someone up at the airport when we were sharing a car. And I hate it when WE'RE going to be late meeting people because he's not TRYING to be on time. Otherwise, why the heck do I care if he's home late? More time for me to relax undisturbed :) In other words, he doesn't need the excuses because I don't mind it.

But yeah, if he habitually technically "lied" about his target time accompanied by excuses, I'd be way annoyed. And probably retaliate.

No, that is why I never pin him down to a time and why he will do everything in his power not to be pinned down to a time. We just have a window of opportunity. :)

Thing is I say I am walking out the door at two, god knows unless I have just had it it is going to be closer to three. No way I would hold him to something I can't do myself.

I am sure if the kids were younger and I was counting on it then it would be more annoying. There have been a couple times I NEEDED him home at a specific time, then he was always home on time.

Now your one time guilt trip I would go with lecture 103.8, do you really want me to start counting? I did that with Troy over a bag of chips and god did that poor man realize how many times I pick up for him without complaint. :)

If one of us is coming home from work or from some errands or something and we are running late we call the other one on the cell phone. If one of us goes out with friends we do not have a set "come home time". In the past I have gone out for the afternoon and meant to get home just after dinner time. I had to pick my mom up at the airport and we went out to dinner. She wanted to look in shops in Santa Fe and I was 3 hrs later than I thought. I called my husband and told him and called him again when we were finally on our way home. He was not worried about it and put the kids to bed before I got home. No guilt trips. We don't do that to each other. If he were running late I would not really worry about it. But we are not constantly running late on each other - probably 99% of the time we are both on time. Neither of us tends to go out with friends very often anyway...we are boring. If one of us was giving the other one guilt trips that would be immature and annoying.

For us, it's a courtesy thing. I'm running behind but don't worry I will be there soon. I am better about it than he is because he is unrealistic in how long something will take.

I think that if one party is always late, you come to expect it so when the prompt party is late it is more of a "I'm worried because he or she is never late" but should obviously be swept under the rug.

I have learned to add an hour or two on top of whatever time he says he'll be home. "I'll be home at 7pm." (Okay honey, I'll see you around 9).

As for me, I am vague when he asks when I'll be home. "I don't know. The movie starts at 4, then I was going to go to Target after that. I'll be home after that."

So he's almost always late. I am learning not to get pissed about it. He has never gotten upset with the time I get home.... granted I don't get out and stay out late or anything without him. I am almost always home by dinnertime.

I am not a clingy person and I sure wouldn't like being clung to. My husband can come and go as he wishes.

My hubby is mostly on time. I'm usually on time too. I'd be irritated if my someone was late all the time and I'd be equally irritated if I was late once and had to endure a guilt trip. How about a little grace and forgiveness?

Hmm. At my house, my husband is always home when he says he will be. He doesn't do all that much going out without me anyway. He goes running or golfing and things, but not "night life" type stuff. I know when he goes golfing that he can't know EXACTLY what time he will be done, but he is generally home right after he finishes, and he will call me on his way often. Especially if the course is one far away from home (an hour away or so?)...

As for me, I try to never give him a specific time, but again, I don't do much "going" except for taxiing the kids to karate, confirmation, piano, etc. Most of those things do not end at an exact time either. generally they last "x" length of time, but sometimes the instructor will keep them longer or want to discuss something after class or whatever. Hubby's only real concern with that is whether I am planning to cook dinner after I get home, or am bringing carryout with us, or whether he should just grab something on his own because we will be late and he has to go to bed early.
The occasional times that I am out doing something "fun", I don't give a specific time b/c I don't know it. But he always asks me to call so he knows I am on the road headed home. Usually, if someone is running late, it is me, not him. I don't grill him if he is late, except that I might worry. No "issues" with that. He does get annoyed if I am meeting him and am running late. He expects me to call and say "I will be 5 minutes late". Doesn't always happen, because I am DRIVING. LOL

So here are the rules for us, if you go out during the day and you will be home after 7pm call. If you gave a time, honor it. If you are going out at night with your friends and you will be after 3am call or text, again if a time was given, call if you will be late.

my husband drives me crazy with this. he says "I'll be right back" which means 30-45 minutes. Or an hour usually means 2 or more. I've come to expect it, and he gets so mad if I ask when he's coming back, but he's got issues with people trying to "tell him what to do" don't get me started! But if I'm 15 minutes late from work he gets all in a tizzy. SO not fair, we fight about it all the time!

Muy husband sucks at time management. (This is why they need me so much in our company. I don't expect him to arrive at a certain time but I do expect him to call. I could go out all night and he doesn't say anything as long as I call.

When I go out or my husband goes out neither of us really gives a "time" we'll be home. We might give an estimated time, but I don't expect my husband to "rush" his time out to be home by curfew. He doesn't expect me to rush either.

I have 3 kids already ... I don't want or need another one. I'm not his mother or his babysitter. He's welcome to enjoy himself and come home when he's ready.

I am always notoriously on-time. For just about everything. However, when I am out with friends or wherever, I can be late coming home. My husband certainly understands, and doesn't give me a hard time. If I think he may worry about the time , I call him and let him know that I am running behind, and will be home at such and such. Same for him. Usually though, men estimate 30minutes more then what they give you. My husband always says a certain time, and I know it will take him 30 minutes more.

Anyways, I would certainly not expect my husband to say boo-hiss about it. If it were like two hours , I could expect him to be worried, and upset that I didn't call him.

I would certainly want my husband to respect me enough to call or let me know an absolute time that he would be home by..

Jeff calls me when he leaves work, but I know by now that when he says "I'll be home in a few" to ask him specifically where he is. I want landmarks! LOL. A few to him could be 20 minutes up the road, whereas I think he should be in the neighborhood. And I'm a worry wart, so then I'll freak out

I always call. But 9 times out of 10 I have the kids with me and he's at work or on his way home, so it really doesn't mean I have to :).

I think if I didn't, he'd worry.

So yes, I think everyone should call when they're going to be late. It's polite.

Hi, R.:
If your husband doesn't keep his word, he needs
to be held accountable.

How you come up with a way to hold him accountable is
the question. You can call a family circle dialogue and use the
Restorative Questions.
Just a thought.
D.

My husband and I don't go out without the other in the way I think you are suggesting. Now, he does have meetings, etc., that he has in the evenings a few times a month. And, occasionally I will be out doing something (baby shower, shopping, etc.). We may try to give an estimate of when we will be home, but it never really matters when the other gets home. It's really not a big deal. We are adults, we don't have curfews. We don't feel like we need to make excuses or explain ourselves. And, the other person doesn't feel like they need to have an excuse explained. We love and totally trust each other. He usually calls me on the way home if it isn't too late. If not, no worries. I guess I kinda think this whole scenario is somewhat silly. It doesn't make any sense to me for a married couple at all.